Am I a Good Driver?

I’m sensitive when it comes to my driving.

Driving is basically a skill.

I’ve been practicing this skill for 2 and a half? years now.

I would say I’m pretty good and I have DEFINITELY improved.

No one really taught me how to parallel park or reverse park into a specific driveway (like the one I have) I learned that on my own (with the help of my non-driving cousin) so I would say that’s an achievement.

And as you become a driver, a lot of new anxieties come to play.

And there are so many different ranges of anxieties that I’m just gonna focus on one today…

Driving other people/friends.

So as I started out this post: “I’m sensitive when it comes to driving.”

I mean, think about it, you don’t wanna be that driver that NO ONE wants to drive with, in the car.

If it were that way, it’s like they’re doubting your ability or taking away shreds of your achievements.

So storytime…

I have this friend who I drive with sometimes.

She’s actually the only person, apart from my cousin, I’ve driven alone with (my parents recently let me drive alone).

Whenever I drive and she’s in the passenger seat, it’s chill. There was actually one time I was getting out of the parking lot and I noticed I got better at driving and I said it out loud and she was like “You did!”

But then the next day or a couple days later if we’re with other people or something and she tells them that I drove she’ll say “We almost crashed.” And she’ll say it in a way that our other friends will believe her.

I didn’t take it in a bad way… until she said it every time we drove together.

And then today, I was talking to her on the phone. I was saying how she needs to get her license soon and that I’ve actually never seen her drive. And then she says: At least I know I’m better than you. (Or something along those lines I don’t remember word for word whoopsss, trust me, I’m credible)

That, of course, hurt.

But I let it go.

But of course, now those words want to haunt me as I’m trying to go to bed. These overwhelming thoughts sure do love to come at the perfect time!!!

And now it’s the only words I can replay over and over in my brain.

Now you see why I’m sensitive about my driving?

Because it’s something I’ve worked hard on.

My driving instructors all fell asleep while teaching me to drive because they had nothing more to teach me at the time and the only thing keeping me away from a license was the 1 and a half year time limit.

I had to be taught driving by my Indian father who tends to scream and get anxious… A LOT. So the fact that he only maybe screams three times whenever I drive nowadays, is an accomplishment.

I once drove 2 hours on the highway going from state to state because my parents needed me too.

All this hard work makes me a good driver.

So why am I doubting myself because of one friend’s opinion? (Or they may be jokes, I don’t know my sensitive side is speaking)

Maybe it’s because not only my opinion matters. The opinion of others matter too.

It’s like when you make food.

You’re biased to your own concoction. But when you ask others to taste it, that’s when your credibility comes in.

That’s when you can say “I make great egg fried rice!” (And yes my egg fried rice is the bomb, but notttt the pointtt)

I’m trying to figure out something hopeful to say to wrap this whole post up (you know, the Rebecca trademark) but I honestly don’t know how to end without sounding biased or something.

I don’t know. I mean it was only a couple of months ago before my parents let me drive where, whenever I drove, I would pinpoint certain things I did that I had to improve. I still sort of do that, but since I drive longer than 10 minutes now it’s not something I dwell on like I did so much back then.

Driving is just really… complex.

Some of us drive, some of us don’t.

Some of us are skilled, some of us need more practice (which isn’t a bad thing).

And some of us get offended of other people’s critiques, and some of us don’t (which I really envy).

But that’s just life.

I’m not gonna ultimately stop driving just because my friend says this stuff. Maybe they are just jokes and I’m taking them lightly because I worked hard to be at a good level.

Whatever it is, the great thing about life is that none of us are masters of anything. Not even anything we love or study. We learn something new every day. There’s new information that comes up and is discovered every day. We’re constantly learning and growing.

And as long as we allow ourselves to learn and grow, that’s something no one can ever make us feel bad about.

So don’t.

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I’m Too Scared to Talk About This

So… sorry.

I really have been busy.

I’m still trying to figure out my life schedule.

Honestly, my sleeping is a big question mark.

Today, I didn’t have class but I took a nap for 2 hours even though I wasn’t really planning to or even really tired?

So bear with me as I try to figure out how blogging fits into my weird schedule.

So after two weeks, why not dive into the deep?

And by deep, I mean deep. So stay cautious.

I just thought about this a couple of minutes ago but what if one of my friends were to give up?

What if it was the last text, word, I love you… etc?

And I know this is unnecessarily dark but it’s the reality of life at the same time.

It’s the stigmatization that scares us so we never really talk about it.

But I don’t know one of these days, what if that friend who needs our help isn’t just going through a bad page in their book?

I mean I know one of my friends who lost one of her friends to suicide and I never really grasped the subject until now.

So context?

One of my friends, I gave her the name Aikra in the past, on my blog.

Aikra called me yesterday at 2 A.M.

So I asked why she called and she told me she was going through some stuff so I told her to call me after school.

She never called but we texted some.

Then she was supposed to call today and I saw that she posted somewhere that someone needed to drive to her so she doesn’t do something risky.

At this point, I got scared.

I texted her “Are you okay?”

At this point, I wasn’t scared.

Then she said “Yeah I”m fine thanks bby”

But after that text, she sends “Ily”

It’s not weird for her not to spell out I love you, she rarely does. It kinda scared me that she said I love you.

Because isn’t it a pattern for people who are about to do something bad they randomly declare statements of affection to those they love?

So that “Ily” scared me.

Because for the first time I realized, it could happen.

And it literally made my heart sink at just the thought of losing anybody I loved and not being able to be there or they felt like I wasn’t there.

I remember in middle school, maybe. One of my best friends showed a lot of signs of depression. She doesn’t talk about her feelings much or really anything until I or someone else pushes. She’s the type of person to use a safety pin or something to make marks on her wrist (Which she did do once).

She scares me a lot.

Because she gets in her head a lot. Like me, but to a deeper extent. A scarier extent.

So one day I just sat on my floor and prayed to God that she won’t make the decision to take her life. I still need her.

And that moments was years ago.

She’s still here, thank God.

But life is just so precious.

It only takes a second, a millisecond, for things to happen.

Things happen without your control.

Things happen without your say.

And as someone who’s thought about “How would other people feel if I wasn’t here?” numerous times it scares me.

Because what/who scars us, hurts us, throws us, deletes us, bruises us so much we believe the only way out is to ultimately… to be gone?

This is a subject I’m still learning every day about, so I’m going to tread lightly.

But I’m glad I didn’t listen to those wavering thoughts. I’m glad I just cried myself to sleep. I’m glad I just prayed to God.

Some moments, I’m not so glad. I’m not happy about where my path leads. I’m scared of SO MUCH.

But in the end, I’m happy I made it this far.

I am.

And I would feel so broken if someone I love wasn’t happy.

If they thought the only way out was to give up.

I never want to have that feeling again, but I know sometimes I have to drop everything I’m doing to listen to someone who needs me.

And I have no complaints about that.

»Music Friday«

Since I’m slowly starting to revert back to my blog, why not start doing Music Friday’s again. So Music Friday is just when I would share what music I’ve been obsessed with this week.

  • Let Me Down Slowly – Alec Benjamin ft. Alessia Cara

  • All of the Love in the World – Lily Kershaw

 

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2019: step by step

Maybe I should lecture people on how to make extravagant “I’m back” posts. Since I seem to make them a lot.

Hi, if you don’t remember me, I’m Rebecca aka hopelesslystrong.

Let’s see the last time I wrote a post was… October. 4 months ago.

Well, since then… Yes, I’m still in college.

Haven’t let yet. (I’m just kidding about the yet)

I’m in my second semester.

It’s 2019, guys.

I turned 19 in December.

And both of those are still hard to believe.

You know, when I started this year, I didn’t start “anew.”

Honestly, it felt kinda dumb to me to start “anew” because it didn’t really feel like anything was really changing for me. It was just another day as the new year came along.

I was done trying to be that person who had all these resolutions and this “New year, new me” mantra. Maybe it works for you. But I didn’t want to fool myself.

Last year, at this time, I definitely HAD to start new because a certain situation in my life forced me to. And that situation definitely helped me grow into a beautiful me.

But what about this year?

What’s going to happen?

Honestly, I’m not in a great place.

Maybe that’s why I came back.

Usually, I call my bad place my “hole of darkness.”

And I’ve been here for about 6 days, which is a long time for me.

It’s like, every day this past week there was something to bring me down. Nothing was really helping, not like I was looking for things to help me. I just sort of “expected” life to be like “Hey, let’s give her a break.”

But of course, that didn’t happen.

I was lost. I am lost.

I’ve been shaky with my faith for the past week.

And it did make me feel very alone. Because I blamed someone I believed in and I didn’t believe in them for a second. And it’s hard to un-believe for a second when your belief is all around your life.

I’ve been reckless this week.

Because I disregarded my belief in the hope that life would throw me a curveball.

What was I thinking?

I’m still unsure about a lot.

Still anxious.

Still sad.

But I’m hoping that I’ll continue to use my blog as a way to channel these feelings because I really do miss writing. Without making blog posts every week, it’s like I don’t have the inspiration to write anything unless it’s an essay or for a scholarship. And I hate that. Because at that point, I’m forcing it out of me, and that’s probably why I get B’s and don’t get accepted into said scholarships. Because it’s missing the passion I used to have for this. And I want to try again.

I want to take that step to feel better about myself and my life.

Because when I started this blog during my sophomore year of high school, I used it as a way to finally have a voice and to be seen. I did and I was. But most importantly, I used it because I was lost and broken.

I don’t want to be that anymore.

So, be patient with me.

Hopefully, this isn’t like every infamous “I’m back” post I make and I actually am back.

But as of right now…

2019 is the year I take everything step by step.

I can’t see the future right now.

But I’m not skipping steps cause it’s not who I am. (I don’t understand people who can take 2 steps at a time like how)

Hopefully, you’ll join me on my journey and I’ll be there for yours too!

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lost.

I’ve kinda been tired all week long.

Or as my friend would say, I was dead all week long.

And she’s right, cause I was.

College is really getting to me.

And if college is getting to me, then my anxiety is grabbing me full force.

I haven’t told anyone about why I’m so “tired” because I feel like it’s just a wave I have to ride over.

Like high school.

High school, at first, was a question. Then it became this pit of darkness and through time and heartbreak it got gradually better and I found some amazing people.

I got over that wave.

And back then, I didn’t really have anybody or it didn’t really feel like I had anyone since I was so lost.

Now, I have people… but I’m still not used to letting them in during phases like this.

Phases where one minute it feels like the monster inside is pulling me down full-force and the next, it’s sunshine.

I’m so used to doing this on my own. Or telling some people about it a little bit and pretending I’m ok at the end when it’s still not okay.

Plus, all the friends I’m okay with opening up to about this seem to be having a good time at college… and I don’t want to introduce my pain when they’re happy.

I’m still lost.

And it doesn’t help that the friends I thought were real and down for me aren’t anymore.

You would think after dealing with so many fake people you get immune to the feeling… but you never do. It never goes away.

The hurt sticks.

And of course, whenever I’m in my hole of darkness I just add on everything I’m sad and stressed about.

And I’m so stressed.

It feels like I can’t do anything right.

Like I’m not meant to be here.

Like this is all a mistake.

To top it all off,

my faith is unsteady.

And my faith is something that has carried me through the bad moments.

I don’t have a perfect relationship with my faith but, right now, outside influences and my mind are attacking it full force.

And I can’t do anything because even if I’m strong and tell my mind to back off it doesn’t seem genuine.

I’m just so tired.

My plan didn’t even consist of going to community college.

I wanted to be far away from a place I’m so accustomed to.

But maybe I’m just meant to be in chains.

At least, that’s what it feels like.

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No, Not Even Friendships Are Safe

As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”

Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.

It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.

(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)

You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.

I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).

It’s hell.

But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?

Wrong.

It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.

I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.

So that’s normal.

But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.

I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.

I’m anxious about all my friendships.

I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.

I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…

Storytime.

I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.

Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.

Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.

It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.

And I didn’t know what was happening.

So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could  I tell her? My mind is being stupid?

This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.

What happened?

My mind, that’s what happened.

And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.

Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.

But thank goodness for Lyra.

She didn’t give up on me.

I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.

AND she won’t walk away.

I still question why she hasn’t walked away.

But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.

She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.

I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.

And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.

And if they don’t,

then our minds were right. 

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Poem: The Light Who Radiated My Life

So I always wanted to put this poem on my blog but I… forgot.

But it’s all good since I remembered!

So this poem is the one I read at my grandma’s funeral and it just so happens that it’s an adaptation of a blog post I wrote.

So a little backstory…

During emotional moments or any special moments like birthdays, celebrations, I kinda forget my emotions and how people have made me feel. So when my aunt, the person who organized my grandma’s funeral, asked me to read a poem… all my family thought I was gonna just get a random one from the internet. They were gladly mistaken cause I mean it’s me. But my extended family don’t really know this side of me.

Anyway, when my aunt asked me to write a poem I wasn’t sure if I would put everything I wanted to say in it because my mind was sorta elsewhere that week. So I looked here cause I knew I wrote a post about her in the past and I wanted to build off of that.

So I found the post I was looking for: my Grandma

And I worked on it to make it present tense and yeah I read it at her funeral. I wanted to put that poem here because this is where all my memorable poems are so here it is…

One day while I was sitting with my grandma, I chose to see things I didn’t notice before.

Her eyes. The wrinkles. The eye bags. I wonder how much she has seen. How much pain, how much strife she experienced. How many tears probably streamed onto her cheeks. I thought of her sister, my great-aunt, how much I saw her cry. How much she probably still cries, not just for her but for all the loses she has experienced. How many people she has seen. How many she has met. I wonder how much her eyes have seen. The journeys, the adventure, even a little chaos.

Her hair. How black blends with gray, and over the years gray has taken over. You could notice that strands have already fallen out. Yet, she still takes care of her hair. Putting oil, combing through it, and putting it into two braids. Right and left. Nothing complicated, just two braids. Her curls that she combs through. The curls that are the by-product of my waves. Whenever I would do a certain hairstyle, she always tells me she did that same hairstyle when she was younger. She would always tell me how she thinks my hair is pretty.

Her arms. Her fingers. How they’ve grown wrinkly and somewhat weak. Her fingers are always shaking. Although her fingers seem weak, her arms seem to be strong to me. She does carry a lot. She’s always bringing food for us while carrying two bags. I wonder how many times she’s had to lift herself up. Or has had to lift someone else up. How many times her hands have lifted, praying to the Lord, her best friend.

Her clothes. Her sari. Come to think of it, I can barely think of a time she doesn’t wear a sari. Other than, when she’s cooking or on vacation with us. No matter how old she gets, she can always wrap a sari gracefully without anything falling or looking out of place.

Her smile. I will always admire her for this. No matter what, she always has a smile on her face. Her laugh is so contagious. She never looks mad at me, even when I yell at her. In fact, one day, when I was feeling down, she told me that I should just smile. That happiness is what you need in life for it to be fulfilled. Her words. She really knows what she’s saying. Even though some people might not see it that way. How much passion she has for the things that she loves. When she teaches others about the Bible, her eyes lit up. Her words flowed. She could literally talk about it for hours, and not get bored. That’s what amazes me. She’s so passionate about the things she loves and uses that passion to teach others.

Today this is how I see my grandmother…

Her faith. 33 times. She read the Bible 33 times. She led her life with faith. She made sure to bring God with her into every room, into every step, into every crack of her life. I never saw her question God once. No matter what, in happiness or strife, she would always call out to God. She had so much faith that if she saw us today she wouldn’t understand why our eyes are full of tears because she knew God has something better planned for us and I know she’s ready. She always said “Don’t worry. Just pray to God. Everything will be alright”

Her bravery. She read the verse “Do not fear, for I am with you” 33 times and you could tell she applied it to her life. Fear never even touched her once. Her soul. Her mindset. Her personality. It all showed the image of a courageous human being. She didn’t get anxiety. She could talk to anyone and everyone. She wasn’t afraid of not knowing what life has in store for us. Because she knew, no matter what happened God would be there in the beginning and end.

Her compassion. My grandma never had any hate for anybody. Her heart was full of love and love only. Even if one of us were angry or yelled at her, she wouldn’t hold a grudge. Forgiveness was an ordinary quality for her. She believed we could forgive anyone, no matter what they did. Forgiveness is tricky… But she made it seem so easy.

Herself. What do I say that I haven’t said above? She was the living version of a good soul that God depicts in the Bible. She made me feel safe, worthy of her love, and she made me feel like, even through my darkest moments, I could live a happy life. Because happiness isn’t about what’s happening to you or how life rewards you. Even in her lowest days, my grandma chose to smile and pray. She taught me that happiness is a state of mind. It doesn’t have to come to you one day, you can just have it. She always told me to just smile when I was having a bad day or didn’t want to talk because my smile is beautiful. Now, whenever I smile I can think of her.  

I thought of how much she’s been through and although she only made it to 8th grade, she’s so wise. She has seen things. She has experienced a lot. She has met a lot of people. She has been through a whirlwind of change. She has fought. She has cried. She has questioned. She has just lived.

I love my grandma. And although she might not know it, she is a big role model for me. I just wish that someday my eyes will hold as much experience that I saw in her eyes that day… and as I grow, I hope to have the same faith I saw radiate in her every day.

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friends?

I’m not sure about anyone in my life. 

This phase of my life is so weird.

Slowly transitioning into college but still fresh out of high school.

And I find myself feeling lost.

I mean there are a lot of reasons I feel lost but the one I want to focus more on is friends.

If I think about last year and compare it to now… a lot of people have left.

Or I’m not as close to people as I thought I would be.

And it’s affecting me.

You know, today, I was in one of my school buildings where the library is. I was downstairs. So I climbed up the stairs and as I was climbing up I saw one of my old friends. But her back was turned towards me and she was walking away.

I was walking behind her (like 8 feet away) but in a completely different direction. I could’ve yelled her name or something but I didn’t.

Why?

Because we’re not who we used to be.

I’ve never heard from her since the summer and the one time I saw her at school was the first week of school. And she basically insulted me… but that’s who she is. That part didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she didn’t seem interested to talk to me or see how I was doing. She talked to me for maybe 30 seconds and then left.

And I don’t know.

This is basically a summary of how I feel about anyone and everyone: I don’t know.

I don’t know about my relationships.

Everyone has their own life to live.

But I used to be able to hang out with so many different people sometimes and now…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

Because there are people I have that are there for me.

But I’m scared.

Because I’m just thinking about how one day they might leave like everyone else. Or I’m depending on them so much that the moment they let me down or something, I’ll lose it.

And I know I shouldn’t base my happiness or anyone but myself, but my friends really do make me happy.

I cherish my friends so much.

But… my anxiety and overthinking is getting out of control.

This is the spectrum:

The true friends: I’m scared they’ll leave, I’m burdening them, or they’ll let me down

The half-friends: There are friends in my life where it feels we’re only meeting each other halfway and I’m trying to put my trust in them but they’ve let me down before and I’m still scared.

The I don’t even know if we still are friends: The ones I don’t meet up with or talk to often. And I feel bad for wanting more because I know they might be busy. or might not want to socialize as much… but I need more.

And it’s such a weird place I’m in than I was a few months ago… I felt like less of a burden to ask others for advice and to tell someone a story. Now, those same people I used to ask, I’m scared of asking or telling. Things are so different.

So many of my relationships feel like they’re burning out or close to a fire and I want to save them but how can I save them when the other person has no interest?

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