What do you think of when you hear that word?
Friends, family, a significant other?
For me, whenever I hear the word relationships, I just think of two people and their connection.
Relationships are such a captivating and integral part of life. If you think about it, relationships are this special thing that you have with someone, that you’ve built with someone else. It’s yours and theirs. No one else’s. It’s so beautiful…
But with beauty, comes pain.
You can’t tell me that every relationship you’ve been in has worked out.
Every friendship, every connection you made, every relationship worked out… because it didn’t.
Maybe you have one or two people on your mind who have left or maybe you have a whole list.
And don’t worry, you’re not the only one.
For me, it’s a lot of people.
And it is… really hard to think about all of them and not make connections about the person I am,
it’s hard to not doubt me. it’s hard sometimes when that voice in my head is telling me that I’m someone not everyone wants to be around.
so it has been hard trying to find a silver lining to everyone who’s left, to every broken relationship, to the ones where it didn’t work out.
But after all this going back and forth with my mind for countless years,
I’ve come to a different conclusion.
After asking myself “Where did I go wrong?” hundreds of thousands of times…
I started questioning what if nothing I did made it go wrong?
What if nothing you did made it go wrong?
maybe it isn’t you sometimes…
maybe it’s just the timing and all the contributing factors.
Maybe it wasn’t the right moment for either of you two.
Maybe neither one of you are in the right capacity to be in this relationship, at this moment, with each other.
Maybe life is telling you that it’s not a good time to get to know someone right now.
Maybe you’re going through something and it’s best not to put hope into something else or it’s best not to commit yourself to this relationship when you need to be working on yourself right now.
Sometimes two people just aren’t good for each other.
Sometimes it’s not because of you, or even the other person, it’s just because it’s destined not to work out.
That isn’t to say you’re not a good person,
you could be the best person in the world
and still not be “right” for someone else.
You both could be two, compatible, good-hearted people… and it doesn’t work out,
just because it doesn’t work out.
Maybe you two aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives, and that’s just the way it is.
You’re not always meant to be with someone else and you may not know it, but it may be better not to have them in your life.
And I think these conclusions are something you have to learn as you go through life.
Because if someone told me all of this without personally going through it, I wouldn’t believe them.
I learned this after a toxic friend came back into my life.
And we were both equally toxic to each other.
But when she texted me after nearly 2 years of radio silence with each other, and we sort of resolved our differences and apologized for everything that happened…
I realized… that even though there is no bad blood between us,
it is better not to have her in my life.
not because I’m mad at her or have spite towards her or anything like that,
I just think we’re not meant for each other,
we were toxic to each other and I think that was enough to show that it wouldn’t work out.
and I may be wrong, we may craft this new, amazing relationship together.
but I think we’ve just grown so far from each other and grown as women that we’re at different points in our lives, and those points don’t match each other’s anymore.
our lives are drastically different from when we last talked.
we were drastically different,
and I really appreciate that she came to me and apologized but I really don’t think there’s a future in there for us because we are vastly different from the people we were 2 years ago,
and I do appreciate and love the time we spent together,
she grew to be a good friend of mine
but I realized that doesn’t always last.
and it’s okay.
and that’s the decision I’m making.
and I’m really happy that it can end on a good note instead of a dramatic and painful one.
I mean I could try to mold this new relationship with her, maybe force it with her, but… I don’t think that’s the route that life wants me to take and that’s my viewpoint.
you could see this as like “Rebecca what are you doing? Why aren’t you just going back to that relationship?”
And I really don’t know how to explain it well, I just know that the chapter with her is closed.
because maybe we aren’t the best people when we’re with each other.
maybe the first time around showed us that we aren’t good for each other, we just hurt each other.
and that only happens when it’s this specific person and me.
so it’s better off not going back to that place and trying to make something work that just maybe won’t…
And that’s what I’ve discovered.
Then in a different scenario, when someone else left my life,
it made me realize that maybe I was looking for something good after many bad things.
I just came out of a bad situation and I needed something good,
I needed hope.
And that person was there.
They were the “good” after the bad.
So I wanted to hope. I wanted to believe. I really thought life was rewarding me…
but life owes me nothing.
And after a good year and a half,
things started to fall apart.
maybe it was something they did,
maybe it was something I did.
but thinking about it,
maybe I wasn’t in the right space to be in this good relationship at this point.
I mean I had just come out of a bad situation with certain people and here I was running to other, new people to fix my grievances.
maybe I was telling myself that it was good. so I only saw the good and disregarded the bad until it was too late.
maybe it was on me because I wanted it to be good but it just wasn’t there.
I saw what I needed to see…
and maybe the other person is good and I just took the wrong time to get to know them when I knew I was in a bad place where I needed to heal for myself.
If you read my post a couple weeks ago,
I wrote that when somebody does me wrong or something,
I always get the urge to run to someone else.
That’s just something I’m conditioned to do.
And I don’t know why I do it, I guess if someone puts me down, I need reassurance that someone else won’t put me down.
Which is very toxic and isn’t good healing.
So maybe you could be doing something like this in one of your relationships?
Maybe you’re looking for something good during the bad.
And that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.
Of course, you want to socialize with new people once someone has done you wrong.
But I think it’s always important to remember to heal.
Don’t expect someone else to heal you for your grievances, for your past…
I think a lot of the time we forget to heal ourselves, we forget to show ourselves love, and instead, we give someone else that love because we think they need to love us in order to love ourselves,
which is further from the truth.
but in the process of redistributing that love,
we hurt ourselves
or we hurt others.
or we hurt this relationship we built
because we wanted ulterior motives.
we wanted their love instead of ours.
and the relationship crashed and burn because we were too late to realize that the love that we’re looking for comes from us.
but again that’s just a guess of what might be happening,
but it was something that I was doing.
I wanted them to heal me and it wasn’t fair to them.
It wasn’t fair that I didn’t take the time to heal me or love me.
And trust me, I know I have a lot of growing to do,
I’m not perfect,
there are many things I have to learn and lessons to grow from,
I’m not always the best person to someone.
I’m not using the fact that the timing isn’t right or you’re not meant for someone else as an excuse for my actions.
Because there have been times where I’ve realized I may have been toxic or hurtful to someone and it is on me to understand and accept when I’m doing that.
But there have been other times when someone left and I racked my brain back and forth trying to find the reason.
Trying to find what I did wrong…
Trying to find my faults.
And I found these conclusions.
That maybe sometimes it isn’t me,
and sometimes it’s not even the other person.
after all the doubting, the denial, the tears…
You have to understand that maybe it was your fault,
maybe it was their fault,
maybe it was just in the universe.
But you understand, that after so many trials and tribulations,
that these things happen simply because they happen.
Not everyone is good for someone else or it’s not always the right time.
Because ultimately, not everything will work out good in the end.
And it isn’t your fault, it’s not on you.
It’s just the way it is.
That’s just the way life is.
And who knows…
maybe the time will finally be right after a while and you’ll be brought back to the person.
maybe the second time around will prove to be amazing…
and maybe you guys will grow stronger.
But all I know is that spending so much time trying to figure out what happened, where you went wrong, what might be wrong with you, etc. is just going to make you feel worse.
It’s not going to help you grow and move on, it’s going to freeze you in place, freeze you in your self-doubt.
You have to learn that some things are out of your control. And you just need to let life be.
And that’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
That’s the best revenge you could give to someone who did you wrong.
It isn’t getting back at them,
it’s getting over them and learning from these experiences to grow into an even better version of yourself.
I know it’s not easy a lot of the time.
Trust me, it’s hard not thinking about everyone who didn’t stay.
But it’s easier once you realize that not everything is on you, not everything is your fault and not everything is the other person’s fault.
It’s just the way of life and you have to learn to live with the highs and lows this life has to offer.