Yes, Really

I just need a little room to vent after a certain interaction, and the feelings afterwards. The feelings concerning him, the guy I always talk about. I’m going to start talking about him in 2nd person.

We were both volunteering at our church for hours this entire week. I thought you wouldn’t come because you weren’t there the first day. But you were the second day and so on. One of the days you walked up to me and you were in my presence since how many months? I’m actually surprised that you decided to joke around me like old times. But this time, I couldn’t look at your face or respond to the fact that you literally cut me in front of line instead of starting a casual conversation. But I guess that’s just us? You annoy me. I’m supposed to sass you. But this time, it was different.

I didn’t sass you for cutting in front of me. I couldn’t even look you in the eye. Then, you asked me something. You asked me “Really Rebecca?” You said my name. I hate the fact that in that moment I missed the way that you would say my name like that. But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even have to look up at your face to know that you had that infamous smirk painted on your face. But if I could go back in time and redo that moment. I would still ignore you and not look into those eyes. Because I really don’t have the strength to respond to you like you’ve done nothing to hurt me in the past year. But I’m such an idiot for hoping that you would come up to me and wonder why I ignored you. It’s funny you would always give me stupid hope that would always come crashing down. But in all honesty. You don’t care. And the sad realization is you never really cared.

But what I’m really wondering is why you asked me really. Yes, really. What do you mean really? Really, why are you ignoring me? Really, why aren’t you sassing me? What? You think I would go back to normal after everything you’ve done to me? The last time I looked at your face, your eyes and expression were just saying “I don’t know you.” Like we didn’t have 4 years of history. That look hurt me so much, I never thought you would give me a look like that. So yes, really. And these past few months, it was like your relationship was being served to me on a silver platter, thanks to social media. I get that you have a girlfriend, but it’s like you were THROWING it in my face. So yes, really. And literally the day after you hugged me you tweet “I’m sorry if I sent signals to other girls. But I only have one girl (which was/is his girlfriend).” I was just about to get over you and you hug me and get me thinking again. And I built some courage and hope to tell you that I like you all over again. And I figure out you have a girlfriend. And you were just “sending preposterous signals.” So yes, really.

Because you deserve this. You deserve to be ignored by me. You deserve to get hurt by me. You deserve to not see my eyes and have my face turned down to the ground. Why? Because it’s the exact same thing you did to me this past year. But why does my heart still want you? Why can’t I convince it to to stop beating when you’re around? Why did I want you there, yet not want you there at the same time? Why do I want you to come up to me and talk to me? To confront me. Why do I keep looking for you? Why do I keep trying to catch your eye or impress you? Why do I keep getting jealous because of you? Why do I keep thinking of you. All these feelings after two words that you’ve said to me throughout the entire week.

Oh. Look. Your profile picture is a picture of you hugging a girl. That’s great. I feel great. Sometimes, I wish this was just a romantic novel that has the ending where the boy and girl end up together. But it’s not. It’s my life. And it sucks.

So this is my long vent up message to you. And you will never read it.

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