I’m Weak, I’m Hoplessly Strong

I don’t know… I really don’t know. I don’t know how I’ve been able to stay strong for so long. I just can’t anymore. I can’t put a smile on my face anymore. There’s too much pain. Pain in my heart. I’m pretty sure if you look at my heart it just has the word BROKEN on it. I really don’t know how I’ve stayed strong this long.

I went to South Carolina this week, which is about 7 hours away from where I live. My family and I drove there on Wednesday, stayed the whole day Thursday, and drove all the way back home on Friday. On our last day while I was packing up everything to leave the hotel I thought about the word homesick. If I missed home at all, and not like the home, where I live, but the people that I see almost everyday or every week, the church that I go to every week, the general feeling of “home.” And I concluded that I wasn’t homesick at all. I actually didn’t want to leave South Carolina. Not because of the fact that it’s beautiful there and it’s probably the last vacation before school starts. But, because I didn’t want to go back to the life. The life that I don’t enjoy. The life where I am so broken. The life where people break me beyond compare.

Just today I’ve been broken so much. Today someone called me Ruth. And I mean I wasn’t really offended by the person who called me Ruth but I was more offended by the fact that I’ve been in this place for 15 years and hardly anyone knows who I am. If you exclude relatives and old classmates, nobody knows who I am. None of my youth leaders, none of them know who I literally am. They don’t know my name. They don’t know anything and I’ve known them for like 2 years. And the people who do know me never say anything to me. They don’t say hello. They don’t smile at me. I know if I want to talk to them I could just start the conversation. But, I just can’t. Because I know they might not reciprocate my hello. Example? Today, the same day, while all of this other crap is happening I see one of my friends. So he passes me by and I just thought he didn’t see me so I bumped his shoulder and said hello to him. And you guys can not even comprehend the pain I was feeling in this moment. He looked so pissed off at me. He didn’t even say hi or anything. You know what I got in return? One of those pity waves. A pity wave. He looked so annoyed at me. Which doesn’t make sense because just last week he was hugging me and smiling at me. And I haven’t even seen him since then, and I didn’t even begin anything to make him so pissed off at me. This is why I don’t start conversations.

People who have been pivotal characters in my life don’t even say hello to me. Strangers act nicer than these people. This is why I didn’t want to leave South Carolina. Because I didn’t know anyone there. And that was so glorious. I didn’t have people giving me judgmental looks, because they didn’t know me. Nobody judged me over there. Nobody knew who I was. They couldn’t label me. They couldn’t talk about me. Because they didn’t know me. Not at all. I could just live for a while. And I want to go back to that feeling. I hate having to fake a smile just to try to convince myself that I’m strong. But I’m not. I’m tired. I’m getting weaker. Have you ever heard something like “Too much happiness causes unhappiness?” I didn’t really believe it earlier. But now whenever I cry I just remember that. I’m so afraid of being too happy because there’s gonna be some pain at the end of the road. And it’s so frustrating. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be left alone anymore. I want to be happy. I’m pretty sure you’ve heard this quote.

“My only goal in life right now is to be happy. Genuinely, intensely and consistently happy.”

This is the only thing I want. To be genuinely happy. To be intensely happy. To be consistently happy. I just want to stay happy. I’m so tired of the pain that I feel. So tired. And so weak. But I have to put on a brave face, even if it always hurts. I have to stay strong. Hopelessly strong. Now you know.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “I’m Weak, I’m Hoplessly Strong

  1. This was honestly beautiful and I relate in so many ways it’s ridiculous. I know it’s hard to stay strong, and even worse when you have to fake it, but it’s okay to not be okay. That’s literally what I have to live by most of the time. “It’s okay not to be okay.” If you ever need someone to talk to, I’d love to just sit down and talk with you, obviously over like email or something. but you’re not alone. Don’t ever think that you’re alone

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. It took some time to get all the words out there. And I wrote it the day that it happened so it was hard. Thank you so much for the advice, it’s really hard to smile some days. But I’m gonna start repeating that whenever I feel like this. That would be really great! To talk to someone who understands and thank you so much. I literally just made an email for this hopelesslystrong27@gmail.com, please feel free to contact me anytime. And the feeling is always mutual 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s