Personal

Am I ok? Am I ok? No, I’m not ok. I hate having to go through these stupid tears and having to sit in my room waiting until it’s over.

This is a really personal subject for me. My mom she has this mental disorder. She has schizophrenia. I’ve read like 100 google definitions. And I still don’t understand. She has her good days and she has her bad days. It was one of her bad days. On her bad days she sometimes has this aggression and starts fighting people for no reason. There were more fights when I was younger. The last fight I could remember was at a wedding. Yep, a wedding. But that was back in 2014? Then there was this one time I was video chatting with my friend and I was laughing a lot. And apparently, I woke up my mom and she heard me laughing and she thought that I was doing drugs. I didn’t understand why she thought that because I was never like that, and I still am never like that. And I was like 14 at the time. But I guess her mind misinterprets things. And she didn’t hit me or anything because I called my brother. She has medicine but I don’t even think it’s helping her.

Then today she got into this fit. I don’t even know what happened she just started yelling at my grandma, which is her mom. And she started calling her a bitch and stuff. And I heard her yelling from my room and I didn’t understand what was happening. She started hitting her. My brother heard the yelling too. I started crying then my brother tried comforting me telling me that we couldn’t do anything. We couldn’t do anything. Nothing. We just had to stand there until her anger dissipated. Then my brother told me to go to my room and I eventually did. I had to sit in my room and I couldn’t do anything. I hated it. I wanted to do something. I wanted to do something. But I couldn’t do anything. I hated it. I hate that I can’t help. I can’t stop it. I can’t even say anything.

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep being my mom’s bodyguard hoping she doesn’t get into a meaningless fight. I can’t keep pretending everything is ok. I can’t keep wondering and hoping that this is one of her good days. I can’t keep doing this. I’m not saying she has to go to a home. But she needs help. This has been going on for far too long. What am I supposed to do? What if she has a tantrum at my wedding? What if she yells at one of my friends if I bring them to my house? I can’t keep hoping that nothing is going to happen. I can’t keep standing on the sidelines doing nothing. I just can’t. I just have this urge to do something. But I can’t keep living like this. What if she hurts my brother, or my dad, or even me in the night? Is this normal? Thinking these thoughts? If it isn’t, I don’t want to keep living like this. Something has to change, before it’s too late. Before instead of her hand she’s going to use a knife.

Do you have a relative who’s like this? How do you deal with it? I always wonder what my life would be like if  my mom wasn’t like this. If I didn’t have to live so worried in my own home. I’m just so tired of not being able to do anything.

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8 thoughts on “Personal

  1. taliasykes says:

    You definitely have to do something. I have been there for my little sister, through a lot of tough times. Honestly, not as tough as this. But you write well and sound smart, so shout out if you need a friend to talk to.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. First of all I’m sorry you and your family have to deal with that kind of turmoil, I can understand how much it can take out of a person. It’s just as hard living with someone with a serious mental illness as it is being the person with the illness and a lot of people forget that. I don’t know your mom, but I know a bit about schizophrenia and it’s a pretty severe disorder. With that, I’ll say my father is an alcoholic and prone to anger outbursts (we’ve had to call the police on him multiple times for physically and verbally abusing me and my mother) and he’s prone to paranoia (if someone outside our apartment complex slams a door, he’ll start shouting at them “What you want to do that for? You have a problem with me come say it to my face mf!”). It’s ridiculous. And when someone is in a state like that there really is nothing you can do in the short term. Don’t step in between it (like me lol) and if she’s spouting something delusional or paranoid don’t try and defy it with logic, that’ll never work. It’s also not your job to be in charge of her health. I know it hurts not to be able to help all the time but the fact is you’re not in charge of whether she’s healthy or not. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care, by all means she needs all the love she can get, it just means don’t allow yourself to feel guilty. It sounds as if she needs better psychiatric care, perhaps a medication adjustment and even some therapy. Those are expensive services. There may be better options. But you are right in that you can’t live like that anymore, it’s not healthy for YOU, or the other members of your family. Have you been able to talk to your father about it? Have you as a family considered her being hospitalized? It’s not ideal but if she is violent often it may need to be done. It’s unfortunate that she DOES get physically violent and that’s not alright. I must add for the sake of getting rid of a stereotype and stigma that most people suffering schizophrenia aren’t violent and if they are it’s because they’re feeling threatened, not because they’re hateful or spiteful. That’s worth noting as well. I hope the best for you and your family. Things can get better but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your comment. It really helped me look on this whole situation in a whole new light. And you’re right that I shouldn’t try coughing up sense in her because I’ve tried that once and it doesn’t work because her mind’s not in the best state when she goes through this. I know she’s really sick and there’s probably a darkness deep in her soul. I’m even a hypocrite sometimes. I get mad at her, even though it’s not her fault. Then I get mad at the people who judge her because they can’t even comprehend the pain our family, and her well being is going through. It hurts sometimes that people don’t really understand why she’s like this. All they do is judge her. I’ve never been able to voice my opinions because nobody seems to want to talk about it. And it’s kind of a confusing situation because her parents don’t want her hospitalized especially her mom. We tried hospitalizing her once but somehow it was convinced that she was better. I just don’t want something really horrible happening for her parents to realize that she actually does need better help. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to type this message. I think it’s time that we actually help her have this treated.

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      • You’re certainly welcome. There’s so much stigma around mental illness that people who don’t live it don’t know what to believe so they just judge blindly. I agree, it’s time she gets good treatment and it’s time you all can sit down as a family and come together on the matter. It’ll be the best help for her in the long run, I think that would be a good selling point for a family conversation :P. If you ever just need an ear you can always hit me up as well.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, that’s exactly it. They judge blindly, but they don’t really understand because they don’t live it or live with it. I really, truly believe that she’ll get better, she’ll get better treatment and the demons she has will hopefully slightly diminish. Lol, yes it will. Thank you so much, you don’t know how much that means so much to me. I’ve tried telling my friends about what’s happening with my mom and they never really understand because they’ve never been through it. And you know what it feels like to feel like this. I don’t think I can thank you enough for these messages. I always felt like no one outside of my family ever understood. Just thank you (have I said that to much? lol) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • You can never say thank you enough!:) yeah, I know what you mean about friends not understanding. But you’re definitely not alone out here:) I’m sure your mom will have great success and she’s lucky to have you all.

        Liked by 1 person

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