Am I ok? Am I ok? No, I’m not ok. I hate having to go through these stupid tears and having to sit in my room waiting until it’s over.
This is a really personal subject for me. My mom she has this mental disorder. She has schizophrenia. I’ve read like 100 google definitions. And I still don’t understand. She has her good days and she has her bad days. It was one of her bad days. On her bad days she sometimes has this aggression and starts fighting people for no reason. There were more fights when I was younger. The last fight I could remember was at a wedding. Yep, a wedding. But that was back in 2014? Then there was this one time I was video chatting with my friend and I was laughing a lot. And apparently, I woke up my mom and she heard me laughing and she thought that I was doing drugs. I didn’t understand why she thought that because I was never like that, and I still am never like that. And I was like 14 at the time. But I guess her mind misinterprets things. And she didn’t hit me or anything because I called my brother. She has medicine but I don’t even think it’s helping her.
Then today she got into this fit. I don’t even know what happened she just started yelling at my grandma, which is her mom. And she started calling her a bitch and stuff. And I heard her yelling from my room and I didn’t understand what was happening. She started hitting her. My brother heard the yelling too. I started crying then my brother tried comforting me telling me that we couldn’t do anything. We couldn’t do anything. Nothing. We just had to stand there until her anger dissipated. Then my brother told me to go to my room and I eventually did. I had to sit in my room and I couldn’t do anything. I hated it. I wanted to do something. I wanted to do something. But I couldn’t do anything. I hated it. I hate that I can’t help. I can’t stop it. I can’t even say anything.
I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep being my mom’s bodyguard hoping she doesn’t get into a meaningless fight. I can’t keep pretending everything is ok. I can’t keep wondering and hoping that this is one of her good days. I can’t keep doing this. I’m not saying she has to go to a home. But she needs help. This has been going on for far too long. What am I supposed to do? What if she has a tantrum at my wedding? What if she yells at one of my friends if I bring them to my house? I can’t keep hoping that nothing is going to happen. I can’t keep standing on the sidelines doing nothing. I just can’t. I just have this urge to do something. But I can’t keep living like this. What if she hurts my brother, or my dad, or even me in the night? Is this normal? Thinking these thoughts? If it isn’t, I don’t want to keep living like this. Something has to change, before it’s too late. Before instead of her hand she’s going to use a knife.
Do you have a relative who’s like this? How do you deal with it? I always wonder what my life would be like if my mom wasn’t like this. If I didn’t have to live so worried in my own home. I’m just so tired of not being able to do anything.