Don’t You Understand?

Don’t you understand?

I can’t.

I can’t talk to you. I can’t look you in the eye. In those eyes. I can’t do this again. I can’t keep feeling like this. Why? Why do I feel like you have a hold on me.

Why does only your presence fuck me up? You didn’t even say anything to me and I’m already falling. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’m trying to pass these tests but you’re always there. It’s the same every time. I don’t see you for a few weeks and I think I’m over you. Then you suddenly pop up again and I’m drowning.

Don’t you understand? I can’t talk to you. I can’t say hey. I can’t look at you. Even though you’re trying to look at me. I can’t. Even though you think I might be your friend, I’m not. I can’t be. I can’t just think of you as my friend. Because I have these feelings for you. You made me have these feelings for you. And I thought you had them for me, but I was very wrong.

Don’t you understand? Whenever I see you I’m tempted to talk to you. You were holding the door and you were right there and I was so tempted to look at you. In your eyes. But I know it’s not good for my well- being.

Please.

Be a jerk to me. Kiss a girl in front of me. Something. Tell me something to make me let go of you. Please. I can’t continuously do this every time.

Stop trying to get to me, like when we were kids. It just ruins me. You have a girlfriend. You have a bunch of friends that are girls. Why do I think I’m so special?

And why do I always feel bad whenever I don’t talk to you? I just can’t I’m sorry. Suddenly in those moments I can’t seem to recall every heart-breaking thing you’ve done to me. Why am I like this? Why do I feel like such a jerk when I ignore you? It’s what I have to do.

I thought I was actually achieving something this time. I thought I passed the  test last week. But of course I never pass it. Because you’re always there in my heart, without an invitation.

Thanks to you I have no idea what to do with my heart. I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to keep playing your game.

Why can’t you see that I’m ignoring you and do the same? Why do you have to be so nice and smug. With that stupid smirk on your face. With that smirk it’s like you know what you’re doing to me. I can’t talk to you again. I can’t look at you. I have to be a jerk to you. And I feel like such a jerk. But I have to. If I’m going to get over you.

And honestly I don’t know why I’m apologizing to you. You’re the one who made me feel special when really you had like 20 other girls as backup. you were the one who hugged me, and I though it was special, but really you had a girlfriend at the time. You’re the one who let your friend steal my seat. You’re the one who gave me that “I don’t know you” look, and suddenly you only know me when you want to.

I thought the first time that I was given the chance to make you “jealous” I would feel overpowering. But it just feels weird. You make me jealous all the time. And the one time I get to do it, I feel bad. But you can only make the people who like you jealous. And when I was hugging my friend who happened to be a guy, you just walked behind us and it made me feel so bad. But why do I feel bad? I shouldn’t because you’ve made me jealous numerous times.

This is all so frustrating. Why can’t I get over you?

This is why I never wanted to fall for you in the first place. Because I knew that we could never be a thing. But I always gave myself hope.

Why do I want you somewhere but other times I never wanna see you again?

I have a board on Pinterest concerning you. I have a playlist of songs of getting over a guy on YouTube and Spotify. I have a notebook full of your flaws to remind myself, because sometimes I forget. I send myself song lyrics to get over you. I have friends that are so proud of my progress. I can’t tell them this.

You don’t even use your middle name anymore. You let people call you by your first name. You’ve changed. The person I knew would never use his first name to be called upon. But we all changed. I got glasses if you noticed. I don’t know if I changed. You started growing your hair out. Your voice is deeper. You changed. And look at me I’m still falling for you. I haven’t changed at all. I feel like singing this song over and over again.

I feel like singing numerous songs that talk about “You don’t need him.” Reading and re-reading my board on Pinterest. But none of it is helping. Because look where I am today.

All this progress… for nothing. I’m back to the beginning. What am I even doing?

I always question myself. Whether I wasn’t pretty or good enough for you. If I just wasn’t your type.

One of my friends tells me that the only way I can get over you is filling that void with someone else. But I don’t know if I can ever replace you.

Why can’t you just be the guy who was nice to me? And the other jerky stuff can be another person.

What are you doing to me? Don’t you understand?

I have to let you go. But I can’t.