I’m Not Going Back to the Start

I know it’s been only like a day since I uploaded Don’t You Understand?

And this might sound weird and you’ll probably be thinking “Can’t she make up her mind?”

So I’ve just been thinking that it’s time to not let him affect me anymore. I’ve come all this way from Yes, Really to Strong. and I can’t just give up. I can’t let him do this to me.

This might sound all weird since a few hours ago I was so heartbroken because I couldn’t get over him. But I’ve been thinking. I’m not going back to the beginning. The thing before was like a speed bump and I was feeling really urgh. And there was no one I could talk to so I typed everything out. And I felt better. But I’m not going to go back to the start. I’m not going back to the days where I would glance at his Twitter page. I’m not.

I came all this way for a reason. And I’m not one to just give up. I fight til the end. And it isn’t the end nor is it the beginning. It’s a road block. I’ve been letting the tests affect and end me. But this time the tests are going to make me stronger.

What are the tests?

So there are maybe a few weeks I never see the “guy I always talk about.” And I get a bunch of “getting over him” power. I think I’m doing pretty good. Then one week I see him. And he either looks at me or says something and the test is whether it affects me or not.

The first test was the time we first really talked after we entered high school. My friend bumped me into him, because she pushed me and he was mistakenly right there. Well he said some things to me and I thought I had a chance back then.

The other test I can remember was maybe several months later. Around the time he gave me a hug. I was doing really good getting over him. Then he hugged me, I thought I was special to him because it was the first time we had physical contact except the times he would pat my head or something (don’t ask). And I fell ALL over again. Literally all over again. I contemplated telling him I liked him then something happened and I realized I fell again and it all turned to crap.

The next test was probably Yes, Really. Which was when he said something to me over the summer. I didn’t say anything to him. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking about him that whole week. I didn’t completely have to start all over again but I had to contemplate what exactly I was doing to help myself get over him. And I had to find new methods to help me.

And then there was this test. Where he said something to me last week. And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him. Then something happened yesterday where he was just always there and out of my peripheral vision it was like he was looking at me to see if I would look at him or say something. Then I wrote that post about him. Because I just felt so helpless. Because he was right there and I was so tempted to do something, but I couldn’t because ya know.

And these tests are so hard. Because they give me so many feelings. But I don’t want to completely start from the beginning like in the hug test. I do not want to go back there. I might never find a way to completely get over him. But I’m not going back to the start.

And I might like defy this post someday, because next week he might do something and I might feel heartbroken again. But I know that I’m never gonna give up, even though my strength goes down a little bit sometimes.

I didn’t come all this way for nothing.

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