I never said much as a little girl. Can you blame me? I had nothing to say. This would be the label that haunted me for the rest of my life.
All my cousins, aunts, and uncles said I was shy and “quiet.”
This was the first time I wanted to really prove someone wrong. I opened my mouth and nothing came out.
For the rest of my life I was labelled as “Quiet”
I grew up. I was in middle school. I wouldn’t interrupt the teachers. I would only talk when called upon. I would make conversation with my friends. We had our own group. In our small class of 20-25. It was always the 4 of us. Everyone always labelled us as quiet. Only because we wouldn’t interrupt, or cause havoc. But we would talk. We would talk with the other classmates casually. They would still call us quiet.
I never saw myself as “shy.” I just kept myself together in class.
I got offended when people would call me quiet. I didn’t want to be some label. I just never know what to say.
Here I am in high school.
Sometimes I have trouble making friends. Because I’m, as some would say, “anti-social.” I see everyone in the hallway talking to their friends as I walk to my next class alone.
I get nervous when the teacher says to compare your answers with a partner and none of my friends are in that class.
I could never tell anyone about this because they would tell me “Speak up more” “Talk more, talk loudly” “Just be more social”
But it’s not that easy for me.
I have my friends. I talk when talked to. I can get in front of the class and make a presentation, loudly, without much fear.
But it’s really hard for me to be social.
I’m at church and it’s even worse.
I’m at Sabbath school and I’m so afraid that they’re going to put us in groups or in partners. Because none of my friends are there. And I don’t have any friends in Sabbath school. Whenever I’m in a group I’m the one standing on the sidelines.
I even show up a little late so I won’t be there when everyone greets each other. Because hardly anyone ever comes up to greet me.
Sometimes I’m the only person sitting in a row full of chairs. I’m almost always all alone.
Social media is worse.
Twitter with all it’s retweets and likes. You see all those other people with a whole bunch of retweets on their picture while yours only has like one.
That’s why I never wanted to get an Instagram. But one day my friend thought it would be funny to make one for me. I just used it because my other friend used it and she said we could be “Instagram buddies.” I mean I wasn’t going to delete it after she said that. She said my followers would grow. And when one of my friends said that he would follow me, he saw the number of followers on my page he said “I thought you had more friends than that.”
There’s those times I try to speak up and no one hears me.
It’s difficult for me.
Sometimes I don’t feel socially acceptable because I’m reserved.
I’m comfortable with my friends and best friends. I talk loud with them. I laugh. I always have a great time talking to them.
I’m just uncomfortable with society.
I always feel like it’s my fault that I’m almost always alone.
I always hold back tears sometimes.
And the only thing I can tell myself is it’s my own fault.
And the scariest thing is that the only person who can save me is myself.