b.r.o.k.e.n.

Broken.

My name is Rebecca and I’m broken. What are you?

I’ve probably talked about this subject numerous times in different ways.

I don’t know what to say.

I tried not letting everything overcome me this week. But today it was just like  everything piled up on top of each other and I couldn’t hold onto my sanity anymore.

It overtook me again.

And again I feel so lonely. I feel broken.

I feel like everything is my fault.

I could explain what happened. But, that would take too much time. Plus it’s the same old story again.

So why bother?

My life feels incomplete.

I just have this feeling that there’s so much more to my life than this. But I’m not even sure if I can stick around longer to see. To see if my life becomes more than this.

Because I’m tired guys.

I’m so damn tired.

I’m tired of everyone ignoring me.

I’m tired of everyone passing me by.

I’m tired of being lonely.

I like being lonely sometimes. I like having time to myself. But when there are a lot of people around in my loneliness I get really anxious.

I love my mind. But I hate the overwhelming thoughts. I hate when I demean myself, when I tell myself it’s my own fault. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop remembering. Everything keeps refreshing in my mind, I try to forget, I try to be happy but I can’t. Sometimes I laugh but I’m not happy. Sometimes I put on a smile so no one will ask me if anything’s wrong or why I’m not smiling. Because people have asked me why I’m not smiling and why I’m so “moody.” I especially hate when people ask me how I am. I know they’re just being polite, but I never know what to say. Because every time I say “Good” it’s a complete lie. And every time I say “Fine” it doesn’t seem enough.

I’m tired of people looking right through me.

Some from people I used to know. Some from strangers. Some from people I still know.

I know I shouldn’t take it to the heart concerning strangers. Because they don’t even know me. But I do take it. I take it so deep in the heart.

And then him. He started looking at me like everyone else looks at me. Once upon a time he used to make me feel happy and special. I guess I should’ve seen it coming since I started ignoring him in the first place. But I had to. For my heart.

But, I guess either way my heart was going to get bruised.

Do you know that even my grandpa gives me that look? Especially today. And a cousin that used to be like a brother to me. He saw me and passed me by.

But then, there’s this nice old man. Who always greets me every week and calls me “Special.” I wish I could feel like that.

This man makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me forget everything. This one man compared to everyone else? The ratio is a little uneven.

The only reason I’m here is because of hopes, dreams, and some people.

I’m here because of my 3 best friends. I’m here because of my dad, my mom, my grandma, and my brother. I’m here because of God. I’m here because of hope. I’m here because I have dreams. I have dreams for a bigger future. One bigger than this life.

I don’t know if I shared my dream before. But it’s my only hope to a happier future.

I dream to be a singer one day. I love music so much. But this dream is a little far-fetched because of so many reasons. One of them is that some people don’t even get there. I’m not even sure if I want to be stopped on the street while I’m buying groceries. I don’t want that part. I just want to be happy making music. I just want to be happy. Completely happy. But I don’t even know if I can get there right now.

Sometimes I can barely look at myself in the mirror.

Sometimes I feel like Mulan, when she sang “Reflection.” But I mean Mulan had motivation and she believed her life could get better than being an ordinary wife. Mulan saved China at the end of the movie.

I know that most people say that life will get better someday. But how do you know for sure. How do you not worry that your future will be crap like it is now? Aren’t you worried? Aren’t you anxious?

I don’t even know if I can hold on long enough to see if life gets better.

Wait I forgot something, I think there’s another reason that I’m here. This website. I’m able to vent out my feelings without being judged. I really don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have an outlet where I could speak what I was feeling and express all of my emotions. And there are people who give really good advice sometimes.

But advice is so hard to follow sometimes. Because there are multiple factors clashing with that advice.

And I don’t know.

I wish I could hold on. I wish I could just get a break from life. Like a slight pause in my life. Just a little break. I wish. But it’s not possible.

I really don’t know how much more I can take of this.

Hopelessly Strong.