My life is a raging thunderstorm.
Full of chaotic wind, blinding light, and distressed water.
With every second the storm keeps building up, less gentle and more severe.
Loud… Quiet… Loud
This post was intended to be just me ranting about my crappy life. But there was a thunderstorm and I was like hey, a metaphor.
School… no wait let me be specific.. High School. High school has been kind of like a kid asking for a piggyback ride. It’s fine at first. Then it feels like they’re slowly taking you down.
I thought that after I made up all the work for being absent everything would become calm again.
But I was wrong.
Everything suddenly became worse.
It became a thunderstorm.
I think the worry of making up quizzes and talking to teachers actually helped. It distracted me. Now that that worry is gone, my anxiety about school is back.
The worry was like a light rain storm.
The anxiety is like a thunderstorm.
I’m lonely again, this isn’t my regular loneliness it’s different.
Loneliness isn’t bad at all. There’s just too much of it sometimes.. Have you ever heard people say too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I mean I like being with myself. But too much time with myself is haunting.
I just feel like a pity case sometimes. People come up to me, seeing my expression and solitude, they ask “Are you ok?” When I know damn well that they don’t care at all. I don’t want to be a pity case. I don’t want to be a backup friend.
I roam the halls of my school, that are filled with arrogant teenagers and I wonder if this is all there is to life. If this is what I have to succumb to for 2.5 more years.
I’m so pissed off at people.
Seeing old friends in the hallway. And I’m not even sure why old became an adjective for our friendship, I never got a memo?
Then those that label me and give me the look.
The one where they look right through me.
Ugh I hate that one so much.
Don’t even get me started on the fake ones.
The ones who act genuine but actually intend to crush you inside.
I don’t know if I can do it anymore.
I don’t know if I can pretend that everything’s ok, that everything’s going to be ok for a day when I know it’s not.
Imagine how scared a 5 year old girl would feel roaming the world without her parents.
That’s how I feel everyday.
I always hope for the weekend, for it to come faster.
But what is that going to do?
It’s not ultimately going to change anything.
It’s not going to ultimately relieve me from this pain.
You know what the funny thing is? I was actually looking forward to second semester, that it would be better than first semester.
But it’s worse.
It’s like I’m stuck.
I’m moving but I’m going nowhere.
Like a mouse in a mousetrap, who’s barely alive.
(I think I’ve overused metaphors for now)
I’m stuck in this reality for 4 months.
Maybe for my entire life.
Maybe it might always be like this.
I can’t get out.
I’m held back.
My life is a thunderstorm
and I can’t make the thunder go away…