Just a notice. This is a long post so if you feel like reading 1400+ words I can’t even begin to explain my gratitude for you. If you don’t want to read it, I completely understand.
Moments. Things can change in moments. Everything can change in a matter of seconds. And suddenly your brain feels over capacitated and it feels like you’re going to explode. Something happened literally 40 minutes ago and I have no one to tell. So I thought maybe someone out there would listen to my longggg story and idk hate it or relate to it. It’s pretty long I don’t even know who would have the umph to read this.
But if you do read this thank you, just thank you.
So on to the interesting stuff (at least I hope it’s interesting)….
So I saw him today.
Maybe most of you don’t know who him is.
I don’t even know how to explain him anymore.
I’ve been trying to get over this guy since 8th grade.
I mean it seems pretty ridiculous, but anyway I don’t want to go through my whole past concerning him. Typing this causes enough confusion for me.
There is a tag for “Him” on my blog in case any of you are confused. (Like me)
So there was this alumni game at my old school.
And my friend was going so I went with her.
And there’s always a “What if he’s gonna be there?” question that always pops into my head. It used to be ridiculous. I would literally go to the supermarket and that question would pop up, which doesn’t even make sense. Over the past few months that question only pops up in realistic situations, like what if he’s at one of our old school’s events or seeing him at church. Cursedly we go to the same church.
And the first 15 minutes when we arrived to the school it was all good. My friend and I were talking to an old teacher and some old classmates and then it happened.
My old teacher pointed to someone behind me and there he was.
I remember I was eating a laffy taffy and not laughing at all. The old teacher was like “look who it is” with a smile and I thought it was another old classmate I could say hi to. So I turned backwards smiling at whoever it was, and it was him.
It happened so fast I didn’t even know what was happening.
He hugged the old teacher and I tried not to look. But there were these old classmates there also who pointed out his hair. And he looked so different.
And I didn’t know what to feel. I do know that my smile faded away when he came up and my friend who was with me knows that I was getting over him and I don’t even know what she was thinking.
I don’t even know what I was thinking.
As we were walking away from the teacher I commented about how his hair looks so ugly to my friend and she agreed. I mean I guess that’s how I deal with it in front of my friends. I bash on him.
He just looked so… Different.
This time it wasn’t mentally or emotionally. It was physically different.
If I looked at the back of his head I wouldn’t have even known it was him.
The rest of the night was okay…
Ok that’s a total lie.
But most of it was ok.
I haven’t seen the friend that I was with for a few months. I even used the New Years joke on her and said that I haven’t seen her since last year.
I saw some other people and it felt so good seeing them and I don’t know hearing them say “Hi Rebecca” just lifted my spirits. There are people who actually have a smile on their face when they see me.
I thought everything was going to be ok.
I didn’t see him after that.
I thought he left.
But I also didn’t want to think he left.
And apparently he didn’t.
He was playing in the alumni game against middle schoolers.
I had to watch a basketball game and I literally could not focus.
Can you imagine watching something and the one person you’re trying to get over and forget is constantly in front of your eyes?
I wasn’t even paying attention to the game. Well I was but.. I didn’t even understand how the guests scored like 27 points. I wasn’t even keeping track of the points. I was watching everyone score shots. But I actually wasn’t paying attention at all.
Because how can my mind be on the game, when he’s there playing it?
I saw him play.
I realized that when I was watching him play that was the first time in months that I actually looked him in the eyes.
I saw his passion.
I saw as he did this zig-zagging thing across the court dribbling the ball. I tried to convince myself that he was being lame. But it was actually impressive. No one could get the ball from him.
It felt like middle school. It really did. Watching him play I just saw just his face and it felt like middle school.
It felt like everything was back to where it was, when it was. When it felt easy.
But it’s not the same.
I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand how back then I thought that I might actually have a chance with him.
I mean we’re polar opposites. He’s dominating one world where I’m deciding 100 different paths on another world.
He’s a basketball player, I’m an idk.
He had millions of friends that were cheering him on while some days I sit alone at lunch.
Seeing him on that court smiling, while I was sitting down in my thoughts made me realize this.
I look at life differently than him. I’m thinking in most life situations. While others are living it.
Can we discuss my brain for a second?
I don’t know what happens to it. But suddenly it forgets all its’ morals, its’ accomplishments, its’ sense.
The gears start rewinding and start going on “overdrive.”
I mean, hey, it’s scientifically proven that when you see someone who gives you butterflies they make you go hay-wire.
I just wish I could prove science wrong.
I don’t even know what I felt.
I know what it feels like to feel butterflies and to fall for someone. But I didn’t feel butterflies today. I just felt confused. It’s like when I see him my brain just switches this button and my whole day changes.
I went through so much progress. I know that I’m not falling for him again. What I was feeling today was not happiness in seeing him. I just feel so confused. Confused isn’t even the right word. I feel sdfjeciomeic. That’s how I feel.
And my grandma was at the game and she didn’t know she was sitting in the guests’ section and he was like 3 seats away from her. And I had to get my grandma to leave. And I had to avoid looking into those eyes. I had to suffice it. Maybe I was imagining this. Maybe it was my heart fooling me. Probably. But when I was talking to my grandma out of my peripheral vision it’s like he looked at me for a second, but even I had to turn my peripheral vision off and focus on leaving.
I hate when that when I leave your presence I suddenly feel incomplete.
Now here I am taking exactly 2 hours to write this and currently 1142 words.
And I have no idea what’s going on. I’ve gone through so much with him. I know what it’s like to think I’m over him and then be proven wrong. But this time, this feeling is unknown. Before today, I knew that I wasn’t over him. I would never be over him unless someone replaced him or he did something drastic to make me unlike him.
Which is kind of impossible considering I don’t even like him. I mean I do. But it’s just that there’s a past him and a present him. He’s changed so much. I know people have to change to grow. But I really don’t know this him. I don’t think I want to know this him. I had a crush on the past him and that’s sort of what’s holding my heart back. You’d think liking the past him would help me get over him, but it’s not helping me. At. All.
You know when I went to that game I thought “Yeah I’d come home and study for my Spanish test and watch my show.”
Well here I am.
Not being able to focus on Spanish.
Not even paying attention to my show.
I’m barely hungry.
I’m so confused.
I need to talk to someone about this.
But I also don’t want to.
Because if I tell my friends they might think I still like him but it’s not like that. It’s different. I don’t. I’m just confused. This is all a part of the “Getting over him” process. But it’s just so hard.
I know I don’t like him. When I saw him today I didn’t feel grateful, I felt anxious. I felt the feeling that everyone else makes me feel. And this him is just like everyone else.
And I’m not even sure if anyone took the time to read this, so I might as well be talking to myself.
But if anyone is reading this.
If anyone is there.
Thank you for listening.
3 hours. 1612 words.