Heart & Mind #2: The Pain

I’m feeling kind of down today, so sorry if this is kind of depressing to read. I just couldn’t hold everything inside.

  • Bold- Heart
  • Italic- Rebecca
  • Underline- Mind

“What’s wrong guys?”

“Life just seems overbearing right now. There’s so much pain and sadness.”

I’m sorry Rebecca. I just can’t stop replaying every painful moment. I can’t stop remembering all the sadness in our life. I know it’s affecting you severely. I’m just really sad.

“It’s just that life used to be so happy. I was just a little kid carefree and never worrying what was going to happen. I want to go back to that. I’m just so tired.”

“I feel really sad. I look around and every painful thing just makes me feel sad all over again and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

….

“I hope my dad is happy today I mean turning older isn’t very fun at first.”

Maybe we should buy him a birthday cake!

“That’s a great idea! We should buy one and it’ll be a surprise. We’ll buy it after church.”

“I’m so excited! I hope he’s going to be happy!”

“My dad just told me we’re going to go out for lunch on his birthday with the rest of the family, after church. He’s not going to be sad!”

…..

“Are you serious? Today of all days?”

Oh no…

“Why am I beating twice as fast? Is that? …He’s here isn’t he?”

Yeah he is, he’s over there.

“I have to think about my dad, it’s his birthday. It’s not another day where I think about ‘him’ for the rest of the day and question myself. I have to think about my progress and getting over him.”

Just a few minutes ago I was thinking about how everything he said to us was pretty much deceitful.

“Oh, yeah. Just because he’s there doesn’t mean he has to be the center of attention. I need to focus on myself and my happiness.”

“Thanks guys, I’m feeling much better. It was different I didn’t feel like I had to impress him or do something to make him notice us. I passed him by and I didn’t feel like I had to do anything. I feel so much better.”

“Hopefully this lasts. This is only the beginning of the day.”

….

I feel anxious because of all these people.

“I can’t believe that I used to rarely care about what people thought. I used to be so confident. Now I’m extremely self-conscious and I don’t know why.”

“I just want this feeling to stop, it scares me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“Why do I keep looking down? Why do I keep feeling sadness? I’m sitting with  my best friend, shouldn’t I be happy?”

Every bad thing just keeps refreshing and refreshing and refreshing…

“Nothing makes me forget about my pain. I just want the pain to end. I want to be happy again.”

….

“There he is, again and again and again.”

“Why does he keep showing up in our life?”

Well it’s not just our life. He still lives in the area and goes to church here. It’s just a part of life. It is what it is.

“It’s just too much.”

I know.

“I passed a corner and I didn’t see him coming I was looking forward and I looked him in the eye. He was already looking forward and it was brief eye contact.”

How do you feel?

“He’s happy and I’m kind of jealous. I want to be happy. I don’t want these clouds of sadness around you Mind. I’m trying to stay happy but it isn’t working.”

….

“I just want my dad to be happy on his birthday today. But nothing is working out. Something came up and now we can’t celebrate his birthday. I just want him to be happy. I want my mom to be happy too. It’s like no one understands her because of her mental illness and I just want her to be happy and stay happy.”

“All I feel is emptiness. I’m not happy.”

Is there something wrong with me? I keep thinking deeply and intensely and all these feelings are too much for you guys. I’m sorry. It’s like 100 thoughts are proceeding at once.

“It’s not your fault. It’s all just a part of life. I just hope the pain was over.”

….

“I’m staying strong today. Even though it seems ridiculous not to break right now. I’m not giving up. 3 week old me didn’t give up with underdeveloped lungs. I wasn’t created to give up at 16. I’m not going to be selfish. I’m going to live for my family, my friends, and for God. Because they love me. Even though sometimes it feels like they don’t, because they do. It’s a trick. Thinking of all their flaws and everything they’ve done to me and all the pain they’ve caused, that’s only a little bit of it, that’s the trick. To only think of the pain to let it break me down. But the pain people have caused me is only half of it. I’m not even thinking of the love they’ve given me. I’m only dwelling on the pain. I don’t know why but I just am. But think of why they’re still in your life, it’s because they love me. They don’t want to see me give up. I don’t know where my life is headed but I know that it’s not headed towards a cliff.  I’ve gotten up so many times and learned so much and I still have hope for a future. So let the clouds of sadness rain for a while, I’m getting a rainbow immediately after.”


That last part wasn’t even intended. I still feel sad but I know that I still have a little hope left. Even in your worst moments, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In this my, mind, my heart, and myself were all feeling sadness. And how can you fix that? You can fix it. Whatever you’re thinking or whatever you’re feeling there is a reason why you’ve held on so long. So hold on to that reason with all you’ve got. To me that reason was hope. What’s your reason?

Update: A couple of hours after writing this, we got Chinese food for my dad’s birthday. Things are looking up!

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