worried+nervous

Anxiety is a funny thing.

It’s actually not funny at all.

It’s scary and it feels death-gripping.

It’s unnecessary worry, I know that, yet I still have it.

Once I told my teacher about my anxiety and how I had a big presentation that I was worried about.

He told me that it’s not the end of the world.

But it feels like it.

I’m not criticizing what my teacher said or anything.

But he doesn’t really understand.

I worry about things that I don’t even have to worry about.

Like the presentation I was talking about. I didn’t even have to talk. My friend and I just had  a video that we made for a project and all we had to do was show the video to the class. We didn’t have to say anything. Yet I still got nervous.

Or like today my youth leaders put the kids in partners to read something, then we would discuss it with everyone else.

There were like 20 different groups of people and each group went by kind of slowly. I was with this girl and we were like the second to last group.

I think maybe the 8th group was discussing their answer when my partner said that she’ll be back and she left the room to go somewhere.

It was the 8th group,

It wasn’t even close to our turn,

Yet I panicked.

I hate when all the attention is on me. I’m not a public person. Even though I hate being called this, I’m shy. I mean I’ll talk when talked to. But in an open discussion with 20+ people, I’ll get nervous.

So when this girl left I got nervous.

Even though there was no reason to be.

She was the one who was going to read the answer. Not me. NOT me.

I watched as every group slowly finished their answers and it got closer to me.

I don’t know why I started panicking because she said she’ll be back.

Then I looked down, we were all reading passages from the Bible. And the first two words that I saw on the page we were reading were the words “Don’t Worry.”

I don’t know, call it a coincidence. Call it anything other than a coincidence.

I would like to say that my anxiety eased after reading that, but it didn’t. My anxiety was still there.

Then my partner came back and I was so relieved, like finding out school closed because of snow relieved.

She said she was coming back and she did.

I really didn’t have anything to worry about.

But I can’t stop worrying.

And guess what?

The other groups took so long that our side didn’t even have the time to discuss our answers. When one of the youth leaders came to us and said “Sorry guys we won’t be able to get to you,” I silently laughed to myself.

I think my anxiety is weird.

Sometimes I worry for no reason.

Today was an example of that.

But it’s who I am.

I’m scared when teachers say “Get in partners. Pick your group,” when none of my friends are in the class.

I have a nervous voice during a presentation and no matter how many times I rehearse something in my head it never comes out right.

My heart beats really fast in social situations and it’s overwhelming.

I worry about the future everyday, I’m scared.

And honestly the only thing that calms me from my anxiety is God.

But I guess it’ll always be a part of me.

It’s who I am.

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6 thoughts on “worried+nervous

  1. I struggle with anxiety (I haven’t been diagnosed with it though) and it’s literally the worst feeling in the world. Feeling like I don’t have control over what I fear…

    But hey, you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay to worry about things. Even if you think it’s about something small and silly. To god, it’s not silly or small. And he’s going to be there for you every time you’re afraid. He loves you. And he’s not going to abandon you. ever.

    Liked by 1 person

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