Am I not worth it?
Have I treated the world badly to receive this treatment?
Do I not deserve a reply?
I don’t just mean just from one person, I mean from multiple people.
Doesn’t anyone want to talk to me?
To start a conversation with someone and immediately know the conversation is going to end with them not replying, is that an ordinary feeling?
All my friends do it to me, except for one. My best friend. She doesn’t do it to me.
But try comparing one person to ten people.
The seesaw is uneven.
I’m human, I try to get over it.
But I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot get over it.
Because it hurts.
It hurts like hell.
Am I not worth continuing the conversation for?
Do I deserve pain?
Do I deserve this treatment?
I put my trust and heart in friendships, but most of the time they only let me down.
I’ve lost so many friends, I’ve tried to only let healthy people in my life.
But how do I do that when literally everyone I text, all of my close friends, seem to not care about me?
Most of the time I’m the one sending the first message and checking up on them, but where does that lead?
And I don’t want to question my existence in this world, because I’ve come such a long way to hold the mental well-being that I hold today, but I can’t stop questioning: What’s the point of living if my friends can’t even talk to me?
Can’t even respond to a measly text message?
I can’t even voice my opinion to said friends because that would make everything painful and awkward.
“Hey by the way when you don’t answer my text it hurts like hell and I start questioning our friendship and if I really am important to you.” You wouldn’t want a text like that from anyone. You wouldn’t even know how to respond to a text like that.
I can’t be realistically mad at them either because these are friends I don’t even see that much. Because we go to different schools or we have different classes.
When I do see them occasionally, I pretend that they didn’t cause me so much pain.
Who would I be I to ruin a reunion with hurt feelings?
Maybe I don’t deserve a reply.
Maybe I’m not worth it.