jealous. (but not in that way)

Yes I’m jealous of you.

Guys, I’m jealous of Him.

How could I not be?

No I’m not jealous because he has a girlfriend, I don’t even know if he has one.

I’m not jealous because I saw him with a girl, I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks

I’m jealous because he’s literally living his dream.

He gets to do what he loves.

And I’m not even close to my dream, I’m not even sure I can reach it.

Don’t even get me started on the amount of friends that he has.

It’ll be like comparing a walnut to a watermelon.

My metaphors don’t even make sense anymore, because I’m so mad?

I just… I don’t even know.

I’m angry because I literally could not get him out of my head these past few days.

It’s literally driving me insane.

And what have I been thinking about the past few days?

Him and how I want his life.

No, I don’t necessarily want to be him.

But I kind of do.

Have you ever despised someone at school because they hate you, but they’re so popular and so happy. And you want that.

But that’s the difference with him. He’s not mean. He’s kind and considerate and ugh, he’s social. Numerous people love him.

Whenever I see him, he’s with a friend.

He’s just so ufliskdnf;asdklcasmdf.

He doesn’t even have to try. In a snap of fingers he has a group of friends.

And he’s always smirking or smug or smiling.

I want that. I want that happiness.

And I know that there’s probably more behind him. He might be going through hell. You never know a person until you’ve stepped into their shoes.

But right now, in my perspective, life is just good for him.

He’s somewhere where he gets to do something he loves for continuous days.

Where as I have been…. I’ve been.. Ok don’t ask me what I’ve been doing. My bed has been my date for the past 2 weeks.

I mean I love that I get a summer break, but he’s living the summer I wanted.

He’s doing something productive.

He gets to play basketball. The thing he loves.

What am I doing? Getting jealous over him.

I can’t even get in front of a crowd and do what I love, sing.

I have so many opportunities but I just can’t because I don’t even know why. I’m not ready?

While he, he gets the chance to do what he loves any time he wants.

That’s why I’m ultimately jealous.

Will I ever get my chance to do what I love?

Or do I have to constantly think about him having the chance to do what he loves, all. the. time?

banner-1176676_960_720

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “jealous. (but not in that way)

  1. You WILL get the chance. Go out there and do what you love – when you’re ready. It’s natural to be jealous of him; I think anyone would. It’s about forming that jealousy into action – action for yourself that helps you – that’s important. I know you can do it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey, I had to go through your HIM category to understand what exactly the story is. From what I could see, you’ve been trying to get over this guy for the past two years.
    I cannot even begin to comprehend that sort of… commitment, I guess.
    And coupled with the fact that you have anxiety, well it probably isn’t the best combination.
    I don’t know what to tell you that you wouldn’t have heard in the past two years so I’ll just point out the obvious; it gets better. This is basically my most generic advice to anyone because it applies in every situation. No matter how much stress he makes you feel right now, it gets better. Maybe you’ll need two more years or five or even ten (hopefully not) but you will get past this
    It’s great that your mom is so understanding and your friends seem to be pretty cool as well. It’s really important to have some sort of support system (try saying that five times fast)
    I’d tell you to confront him but it seems like that’s what this blog is about. Maybe you could try slightly more direct methods. Like write a letter and burn it, along with whatever memories you guys shared. Or stalk his social media and write subliminal messages but don’t send them or anything. Not very healthy, but it just might work.
    Also (I was going to comment this on the actual post but I didn’t want to break my reading stride), maybe Guy#4 (or is it #3? The one you seat next to in class anyway) isn’t as standoffish as you think. He might just be shy or something. Don’t write him off completely.
    And being jealous is a natural reaction at this point. This Stressor guy makes you feel all types of unpleasant ways and then he has the nerve to be happy?! No. That wouldn’t make anyone feel good no matter how much of a saint they may be.
    If you want to do what you love, you need to ask yourself “What’s stopping me?” I’m guessing your anxiety would be a good starting point but the good news is you can overcome it. No really. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from Tumblr, it’s that you can make yourself feel better about anything.
    You want to sing in front of a crowd? Start small. Sing in front of your mom. Or while you’re doing chores. Or in front of your friends. Just in any area where you’re comfortable.
    I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Wow I can’t believe you actually went through my Him category, and tried to understand my situation. Thank you. I don’t think anyone’s actually gone through my Him category. So thank you again, it means so much to me.
      Lol the advice was generic, but it did mean a lot. I hope that it won’t take 10 years either, but I know that that it will take me a long time to get over him since it’s already been 2 years.
      I have actually wrote him a letter an burned it, and it did make me feel a bit better. But I think I would want to write another letter or send him the non-sent messages, I think that might help me.
      Well, actually guy #4 and I sadly don’t talk anymore. He got a girlfriend and forgot about me. But it’s ok, I have really good friends right now.
      Thank you for the advice. I really do want to start singing in front of a crowd, and just singing in general. But I never thought of starting small. That’s a really good idea, and hopefully day by day, I can get through it. 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment it really meant so much to me. Maybe I can do it, I can get over him and do what I dream of doing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • There’s no maybe about it; you CAN do it!
        You will move on from this guy and meet nicer guys who’ll treat you like you deserve and desire to be treated.
        You do whatever you need to so you can move on. If it takes confronting him personally and you can handle that, then do it.
        You can’t waste your life on someone who’s moving on. Life is too short to not be happy.
        I wish you all the best.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s