7.18.16. two years

Wow.

It’s been 2 years.

2 years since I’ve wanted to get over him.

I never intended to know the specific date. But I just happened to stumble upon an old tweet the day that it happened. The day that my heart was broken in a way that it has never been broken before.

Anyone interested in what happened that day?

I guess it’s time to finally explain why I had to get over this guy.

It was after I graduated 8th grade. Everyone was going to a new school, we would be high schoolers.

Everything began to change that summer.

It was by this time, in 2014, that I was volunteering for the same thing that I mentioned in my last post. That year, he was there volunteering too.

I liked him, with no intention of wanting to get over him.

After that summer, he was going to go to one school, I was going to a different school. He knew that. I knew that.

I don’t really remember much from that week. But I remember him coming up to my best friend and I. He used his usual charm and flashed that stupid smirk. He asked me if I missed him. I didn’t reply, I hid behind my hair. How could I reply? I whispered a small “No.” But I don’t think he heard me because he instantly said something along the lines of “Don’t worry. I miss you too.” Is it funny how he said too? I didn’t even tell him yes, I would miss him, yet he said too.

I was so ignorant to actually believe that he missed me.

I texted my other best friend about this and she gave me courage to be more “upfront” with him. I didn’t actually believe that I had a chance with him, even when I liked him whole-heartedly. Because the girls he dated were our classmates. I knew them. None of them were like me. None of them, I could compare to. They were way more prettier and outgoing. I knew I wasn’t really his type. Yet I believed that I was. I believed in the little things that he did for me and said to me. That was my mistake.

Anyway, back to the story. I come to volunteer the next day actually believing that he missed me. Then I see it.

He’s sitting next to a girl. Talking with her. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. Maybe him talking with a girl is nothing. Maybe you think that that’s a stupid reason. But there was just something that jump started in my heart. Like a realization. A pure realization.

He has always been a player type of guy. He dated so many girls in our old school, he even broke up with a girl to go out with another girl. Who even does that? I even called him out on being a player, he denied it, but I knew it was true. I knew it was true but I was blinded by my heart for some reason. But this time seeing him, with that girl, everything clicked. I didn’t see him as this “hero” guy anymore.

Back to the story, seeing him with that girl… I just broke. Maybe it’s because I knew the girl. I don’t know. They were sitting with a group of “cool” people, but he was sitting next to her. They were sitting near the bathroom and I made up this stupid excuse to my friend that I needed to go to the bathroom for a paper towel. I walked right in front of him and nothing. Did I expect something to happen?

Now here I am 2 years later.

Trying.

Trying to get over him.

And sure, I’ve made some progress, I won’t pretend like I haven’t grown after 2 years.

But he still has this affect on me.

And I don’t know why.

I was reading some old posts on my blog and I came across my “You Don’t NEED a Boyfriend/Girlfriend” post.

I re-read the part about Him stating:

“…Lately I’ve been thinking what if he actually told me that he liked me, you know in the past. I mean I would’ve been happy but then what would happen? Would I even be prepared for what would happen? I don’t think so. In a way, I’m kind of glad that this guy didn’t reciprocate my feelings, because I would’ve been in a whole bigger mess if he did, if I’m being honest.”

A question haunted haunts me.

Am I not over him because he never reciprocated my feelings? Or that he did but never told me? Is that why I’m not over him? No.

Like I said before, if, back then, he told me that he liked me; I would have been happy. But. Then. What? I didn’t know anything about a relationship when I was 13/14 years old.

So why am I not over him yet? If I already realized that I wasn’t even ready for him to reciprocate my feelings shouldn’t that mean that I should be over him, in a sense. I should forget the past. I should forget him. Since I wasn’t even ready in the past, I wasn’t even ready for reciprocation. Bam. Realization. I should forget about my feelings for him. It’s the past. I realized my mistake. I realized I wasn’t ready. That’s why I should be over it. I should be over him.

But I’m not.

Why?

Because I’m angry at him.

I’m disappointed at him, in myself.

That’s why I can’t get over him.

I can’t get over the fact that he hurt me.

I can’t get over the fact that he played me.

He made me feel all these feelings. He was the first person I liked based on personality and not on looks. He made me feel special.

Then he found other special people.

I can’t get over the fact that I did this to myself.

I was young. I was vulnerable. I didn’t have walls.

Maybe it’s not my fault. Maybe that’s what you’ll tell me.

But it was my fault that I opened my heart up so easily. I was oblivious. I was vulnerable, like I said before.

I was stupid.

The “I miss you too,” wasn’t the only action I was ignorant to. I also thought a simple hug was him telling me that he liked me. I talked to one of my best friends about it and she convinced me to tell him that I liked him. I don’t know how I would, but I got this sense of courage. I was hopeful. Then the next day, I found out he had a girl friend, while he hugged me for the first time.

When he hugged me, I was getting over him. I was ignoring him. But I let him in for a simple second, and it completely ruined me. Don’t tell me that it’s not my fault. Because it is. I submitted. I let my beliefs crumble when I wrapped my arms around him.

(The hug was about a year ago)

That hug was just like the I miss you too. This was, is, how I am. I believe in actions, but even they can be lies. He always mislead me with his actions. That’s how I got so fooled, how my heart got broken.

No matter what. No matter where I am in my getting over him status bar, I. Will. Always. Submit.

That makes me angry.

He makes me angry.

He has this huge power over me.

He runs around in my mind e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

I can pretend that I don’t care. But I do.

I care how he’s doing. I care.

I miss him. I don’t want to, but I do.

And as long as I like him, he will only give me pain.

He gives me pain… yet I still like him.

Now do you see why I can’t get over him?

I’m angry that he gives me pain.

Shouldn’t that mean that I hate him?

I should hate him. I am angry with him. But I like him too.

What the hell is wrong with me?

731 days is far too many.

Do I sound crazy? I probably do.

Ultimately I can’t get over him because I can’t let go of the past.

I can’t help believing that he’s the same person I fell for.

That’s what makes me angry… and heartbroken.

2 years is a lot, huh?

I just need some closure. I just want that. I want to prove that I can live without thinking about him everyday, not only for me, but for my heart. I just want him to do something. Something that will give me closure.

I kind of had doubts posting this, since it was very, very personal for me. But writing it out, I just can’t let it rot in my drafts. One of the reasons as to why I started this blog was because I thought writing about him would help me get over him, and it has helped me. Writing this post, it came from deep cracks and I’m still having doubts posting this, but talking about it out loud helps me so… Thank you for anyone who listened. 

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3 thoughts on “7.18.16. two years

  1. Firstly, don’t blame yourself. Your feelings are never your fault, nor are your reactions. You can be anhry at him, and that’s natural. You’re human, with human emotions, and getting over someone can’t happen with the click of a button. You’re doing so well as it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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