Rant: Here’s What’s “Wrong”

“What’s wrong with you?”

I’ve been asked this maybe 5 times or less, not that much, not countless.

Not countless, but that doesn’t mean each time it didn’t hurt to have this question asked of me.

It would always be a social setting/situation that a person asked me this. When everyone would be doing something with each other, talking, socializing, and I would be content in my own bubble, in solitude.

So I’m here to tell “Them” what’s wrong with me…

“I can’t order my own food.

I can’t answer my cell phone if it’s an unknown number.

I can’t voluntarily raise my hand in class.

I can’t greet a person.

I can’t say hello to someone that isn’t one of my three best friends, or my close family.

I can’t participate in a group with people I don’t know.

I can’t say anything to the person in front of me who just cut me standing in line.

I can’t forget the bad things that a person has said or done to me.

I can’t stand up for myself, or anyone I love without crying.

I have a few problems with confidence.

I have trust issues.

I have trouble breathing properly with a lot pf people around.

I have problems opening up, because I’m memorizing the last time someone acted this nice towards me and how it ended.

I have thoughts running around in my head every millisecond.

I have to go to the bathroom just to compose myself.

I have to hide in the bathroom sometimes just to be able to breathe.

I don’t like standing alone in big crowds.

I don’t like attention, I don’t like when everyone stares at me.

I don’t like my teacher calling on me.

I don’t like when people call me “Quiet,” when they don’t even know the half of it.

I don’t like when people look at me weird, which I constantly remember.

I worry about my future.

I worry about scenarios that only exist in my head.

I worry about being brave.

I worry about never being enough.

I worry about things I thought I forgot about.

I worry that one failure will set up my whole future.

I worry about waking up and not being able to fall back asleep.

I worry about worry.

I worry that I’ll embarrass myself in front of a whole bunch of people, but it’s not the embarrassment that scares me, it’s the fact that I’ll probably replay that scene over and over again in my head.

I remember things I shouldn’t.

I remember one good thing and multiple bad things.

I remember an interaction perfectly, and think of the alternative outcomes.

I remember brokenness like a song I’ve written.

I remember things I would rather forget.

I’m afraid that something might happen to me.

I’m afraid that someone is looking at me and judging me.

I’m afraid that the horrible scenario in my head will actually happen.

I’m afraid that the person I am here will never be the person out in the world, I won’t hold all these beliefs and I won’t be able to defend myself.

I hate being in the public eye, I feel vulnerable.

I hate when you belittle me, but I can’t say anything back.

I hate holding my tongue when I really want to say something but can’t.

I hate when someone uses me, but I can’t do anything about it.

I’m nervous about going to places I’ve been to before.

I’m nervous about doing things I’ve done before.

I’m nervous of my future.

I’m nervous about falling in love someday, and the expectations.

I’m nervous to grow up.

I’m nervous that I won’t say the right thing.

I think too much.

Anxiety.

I have anxiety.

I suffer from it.

I’ve told you, now go ahead put a label on my head.

Now you have a bunch of reasons to your stupid question.

But my reasons don’t give you any justification for asking a 16 year old girl ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Like there was or ever will be an answer.”

Now only if I could say this to their face.

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