I agreed to something that, at the time, I should’ve thought twice about.
But in the moment I was excited to agree to it and maybe actually do something more.
But now my anxiety is knocking at my front door and is just like, “Really?”
So a couple of days ago, one of the pastors at my church is like, “Hey how are you?”
We talked for a little bit and then he asks me if I want to help and volunteer at this program.
I didn’t really think of an excuse, because I actually wanted to do it.
So the pastor gave me his phone number to contact him.
And when I walked away I kind of felt jittery. Like yes, I’m actually going to be helping out and it won’t be for community service hours or anything. It’ll be because I want to, I want to help, I want to be something.
But I never considered my anxiety.
Sending him the text telling him my contact information and confirmation that I’ll do it was enough anxiety as it was.
I mean yes, I volunteered in my church a couple of weeks ago. But I was only comfortable with that because:
- I was with my best friend.
- I’ve volunteered for this before, so I was used to it.
- I WAS WITH SOMEONE.
I’m not going with anyone. Because it was like an upfront decision. I was just asked upfront and I said yes. It wasn’t planned or anything.
Today, I got a group message text from an unknown number and I thought it was a mistake, but it was the leader of the whole thing texting me (assuming she got my number from my pastor). The text said something along the lines of there’s a meeting this day and another day, choose the day and come.
But how am I supposed to come to something with nobody? Not knowing who’s going to be there?!? I’m kind of freaking out. Is it obvious I’m scared?
Can I just not show up? What am I thinking? I can’t do that.
I want to do this. I want to… I do.
But my anxiety is just making it hard for me.
And I don’t know what to do.
Can I really go to the meeting… by myself?
Me, the person who always clings to my mother during family events and socials that have none of my friends around…
I don’t really expect that many people to come, because I didn’t even know about it until I was confronted about it, and the teenagers at my church are too… how do I say this nicely? They’re kind of self-conceited…. and intimidating… I wouldn’t have even survived the other volunteering opportunity if it wasn’t for my best friend.
But I’ve never volunteered for this event, I don’t know what to expect.
This is just volunteering… why am I making such a big deal out of it?
But my pastor seemed so relieved and happy that I agreed to volunteer, and who am I to take away someone else’s happiness? I mean I’m sure he could’ve found someone else. But was it a coincidence I just happened to see him at the right time? Is this just another opportunity I let die in the wind?
I want to do this… but how can I walk into a meeting not having any knowledge to who might be there? I just… I don’t know.
(Just in case anyone’s wondering the meetings are on August 12 and 19)