Boy Rant: I Think I Might Be Falling Again… help

Is this what it was like?

To fall?

I’ve forgotten how it feels.

I mean, yeah I’ve liked Him since 8th grade, and I didn’t know how to stop.

I saw him maybe once or twice a month? We’ve never really talked in a long, long time. I still liked him… because I was too caught up in the past and those moments.

But I wasn’t falling.

It was just like I was sanding still, but unable to move on.

I never really found a reason, in the past year, to fall.

I haven’t fell in a year, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Of course, I don’t mean fall on the floor. I mean fall, as in fall for a boy.

I think I might like another guy.

A Him #2. Maybe I should give him a pseudonym? I don’t know, but that would make everything less confusing for me. Phoenix? (It’s a star name, this is my first time creating a pseudonym urgh)

Ok, the name doesn’t matter that much, back to the story.

He’s a really, really sweet guy. Like not sweet as in “I want something from you” like genuinely sweet. Actually, truly genuine. He was nice even before I actually knew him. He’s the most genuine guy I know out there.

I think I’ve liked him since freshman year, but I’m not sure. I don’t really think I did, because I was just starting to get over Him.

He was in my English and tech class freshman year.

Sophomore year I saw him in this one hallway all the time.

Junior year: He’s in four of my classes. Four.

Yeah, that really helps.

I’ve been questioning my feelings since the first day of junior year, I never really wanted to talk about it because I didn’t want it to be true.

Do I only like Phoenix because I wanted to get over Him?

Do I only like Phoenix because I see him almost everyday?

Do I only like Phoenix because of the past?

I don’t think so. Last Friday, he talked to me, like really talked to me. I was overthinking and doubting whether he remembered me, and when he talked to me I knew that he actually did remember me.

We’re in the same Spanish class and we had a presentation and he asked me in Chemistry class if I was ready for it, and I asked him the same. Then, in Spanish when my name was called out, he turned to look back at me and he gave me a comforting smile.

But, of course something always has to interfere, because this is life.

He has a girlfriend.

And do I only like him because he’s unavailable?

Ever since the first day of school, when I saw that he was in my first class, I was fine. I was ok with the fact that he was in my first class. Then I saw him hold hands with his girlfriend and I thought “Ok that’s cute, I guess, they’re still going out.” I could handle that. But then he was in 2 of my classes, then 3. Then the next day he was in the first one of the day, that makes 4 classes.

I can’t handle that.

Ever since those first few days, I’ve been thinking of Phoenix.

It’s kind of like I’ve forgotten all about Him.

And I remember how it was like the first time I started thinking about Him a lot, and He consumed my thoughts so much that I thought that it would drive me crazy.

But this? This is pure madness.

Do I even really like Phoenix?

I don’t know.

The first week of school, I was lying to myself. To my heart.

I kept telling myself that I was jealous of what he had with his girlfriend, but that’s so far from the truth.

I talked to one of my best friends about it, and she helped me.

I told her I was having trouble with the two, Phoenix and Him.

I knew that I only liked one of them, but I wasn’t sure which one.

And she helped me make a pro and con list.

It really helped me.

For example, my friend asked me who I feel more comfortable talking to with.

I said both, but then I realized that my conversations with Him were so short, they were barely conversations. Whenever I was talking to him I knew it wouldn’t be a long talk. I’m not even sure if I was given the chance to have a conversation with him, I would know what to say. But with Phoenix, back in freshman year he used to talk to me for a whole class period. He actually wanted to keep talking to me. And I could see myself talking to him for a long time, and holding a conversation with him.

But can I really like a guy with a girlfriend?

Can I really do that to myself?

I don’t want to, because I know that I’ll only get hurt in the end, just like I was repeatedly hurt in the Him situation.

I’m so scared to fall again.

I don’t want to .

I don’t want to like anyone.

But I can’t ever remember a time I didn’t like someone.

When I was younger it was nothing, it was like a crush.

But I think a crush is different from liking someone.

Liking someone means you like them for their personality and by the way they are towards you. I don’t like liking anyone who’s personality I don’t like.

A crush is someone you like for their looks. You don’t really know them, you only know the perception of them, you only know them like everyone else knows them.

I only knew what it was like to like someone for their personality when I started liking Him.

That’s when the consuming thoughts came in.

The thoughts are pretty much the things that are haunting me the most. I try so hard not to think about Phoenix, and it’s just not possible.

I think of his smile and his personality and his kindness and I get this feeling.

I barely think of Him anymore, and when I do I just feel bland or I feel like throwing up.

But when I think of Phoenix, I don’t know, I feel like I can’t breathe, but in a good way? Is there a good way, especially for an asthmatic? I don’t know.

I’m doomed aren’t I?

Please, send help.

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5 thoughts on “Boy Rant: I Think I Might Be Falling Again… help

  1. If you’re falling, it’s okay. Let yourself love who you want to love, because only you have the power to truly understand what you’re feeling. Best of luck to you! XX

    Liked by 3 people

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