Is this what it was like?
I’ve forgotten how it feels.
I mean, yeah I’ve liked Him since 8th grade, and I didn’t know how to stop.
I saw him maybe once or twice a month? We’ve never really talked in a long, long time. I still liked him… because I was too caught up in the past and those moments.
But I wasn’t falling.
It was just like I was sanding still, but unable to move on.
I never really found a reason, in the past year, to fall.
I haven’t fell in a year, and I’ve forgotten what it’s like.
Of course, I don’t mean fall on the floor. I mean fall, as in fall for a boy.
I think I might like another guy.
A Him #2. Maybe I should give him a pseudonym? I don’t know, but that would make everything less confusing for me. Phoenix? (It’s a star name, this is my first time creating a pseudonym urgh)
Ok, the name doesn’t matter that much, back to the story.
He’s a really, really sweet guy. Like not sweet as in “I want something from you” like genuinely sweet. Actually, truly genuine. He was nice even before I actually knew him. He’s the most genuine guy I know out there.
I think I’ve liked him since freshman year, but I’m not sure. I don’t really think I did, because I was just starting to get over Him.
He was in my English and tech class freshman year.
Sophomore year I saw him in this one hallway all the time.
Junior year: He’s in four of my classes. Four.
Yeah, that really helps.
I’ve been questioning my feelings since the first day of junior year, I never really wanted to talk about it because I didn’t want it to be true.
Do I only like Phoenix because I wanted to get over Him?
Do I only like Phoenix because I see him almost everyday?
Do I only like Phoenix because of the past?
I don’t think so. Last Friday, he talked to me, like really talked to me. I was overthinking and doubting whether he remembered me, and when he talked to me I knew that he actually did remember me.
We’re in the same Spanish class and we had a presentation and he asked me in Chemistry class if I was ready for it, and I asked him the same. Then, in Spanish when my name was called out, he turned to look back at me and he gave me a comforting smile.
But, of course something always has to interfere, because this is life.
He has a girlfriend.
And do I only like him because he’s unavailable?
Ever since the first day of school, when I saw that he was in my first class, I was fine. I was ok with the fact that he was in my first class. Then I saw him hold hands with his girlfriend and I thought “Ok that’s cute, I guess, they’re still going out.” I could handle that. But then he was in 2 of my classes, then 3. Then the next day he was in the first one of the day, that makes 4 classes.
I can’t handle that.
Ever since those first few days, I’ve been thinking of Phoenix.
It’s kind of like I’ve forgotten all about Him.
And I remember how it was like the first time I started thinking about Him a lot, and He consumed my thoughts so much that I thought that it would drive me crazy.
But this? This is pure madness.
Do I even really like Phoenix?
I don’t know.
The first week of school, I was lying to myself. To my heart.
I kept telling myself that I was jealous of what he had with his girlfriend, but that’s so far from the truth.
I talked to one of my best friends about it, and she helped me.
I told her I was having trouble with the two, Phoenix and Him.
I knew that I only liked one of them, but I wasn’t sure which one.
And she helped me make a pro and con list.
It really helped me.
For example, my friend asked me who I feel more comfortable talking to with.
I said both, but then I realized that my conversations with Him were so short, they were barely conversations. Whenever I was talking to him I knew it wouldn’t be a long talk. I’m not even sure if I was given the chance to have a conversation with him, I would know what to say. But with Phoenix, back in freshman year he used to talk to me for a whole class period. He actually wanted to keep talking to me. And I could see myself talking to him for a long time, and holding a conversation with him.
But can I really like a guy with a girlfriend?
Can I really do that to myself?
I don’t want to, because I know that I’ll only get hurt in the end, just like I was repeatedly hurt in the Him situation.
I’m so scared to fall again.
I don’t want to .
I don’t want to like anyone.
But I can’t ever remember a time I didn’t like someone.
When I was younger it was nothing, it was like a crush.
But I think a crush is different from liking someone.
Liking someone means you like them for their personality and by the way they are towards you. I don’t like liking anyone who’s personality I don’t like.
A crush is someone you like for their looks. You don’t really know them, you only know the perception of them, you only know them like everyone else knows them.
I only knew what it was like to like someone for their personality when I started liking Him.
That’s when the consuming thoughts came in.
The thoughts are pretty much the things that are haunting me the most. I try so hard not to think about Phoenix, and it’s just not possible.
I think of his smile and his personality and his kindness and I get this feeling.
I barely think of Him anymore, and when I do I just feel bland or I feel like throwing up.
But when I think of Phoenix, I don’t know, I feel like I can’t breathe, but in a good way? Is there a good way, especially for an asthmatic? I don’t know.
I’m doomed aren’t I?
Please, send help.