Am I overwhelming myself?
Am I building too many expectations?
Am I creating high expectations that I can’t follow?
Maybe you’re wondering how I can build high expectations of myself, and not be able to follow them…
I love this blog more than anything, it’s the majority of the reason that I’m the person that I am today.
But am I being someone I’m not?
Am I being someone I can never be in the outside world?
Can I live up to…myself?
Are you confused yet?
I just feel like, there’s a blog Rebecca aka hopelesslystrong, then there’s Rebecca aka the girl with anxiety and anxiety, and you guessed it, anxiety.
I just feel like sometimes the girl who is hopelesslystrong (me, referring to myself in 3rd person, don’t wanna confuse ya) isn’t someone I can be in the outside world.
I am open with my feelings and emotions on here without having to worry what anyone else says. While on the outside, I’m so scared to utter a word to anyone about my feeling without getting a nagging feeling that I’m annoying them.
I’m more outgoing here, I talk to people, I socialize more, I’m someone I want to be.
I want to be the person I am on here out there, but I can’t be.
I’m not as headstrong and open opinionated in the world as I am on here.
In arguments or discussions, I’m the mute person because I’m scared that I might say the wrong thing and piss somebody off, and let’s not forget 100 eyeballs will be looking at me (Ok maybe not 100, but you get the picture)
Is the person I am on here fake?
I sure hope not.
It’s just that I feel safe here, I definitely do not feel safe in the outside world.
Maybe I can never be the person that I am on here, out there… Is that understandable?
Have you ever felt like you live 50000 different lives?
For example, there’s a you that you are around your friends. There’s a you that you are around your family. There’s a you that you are around society (the world), there’s a you that you are in school. There’s a you that you are on your blog. There’s a you that you are… and so on.
It’s just, why can’t I be the same me in all circumstances?
Maybe it’s because the environment is different.
The people you’re around are different.
Like I said before, I feel safe here and that’s because the people here are unbelievably nice and I’m not scared to speak my mind.
Sometimes I feel like such a different person when, the night before school I write a blog post as one person. Then, the next day I walk into school feeling like a different person.
But it’s me. I’m the same. Yet, I don’t feel like it.
Not to be egotistical or anything but, I’m my own role model when I”m on this blog, I’m strong, and passionate, and I’m me.
But out there?
I’m scared. I feel like the complete opposite.
Can I live up to myself?
Maybe this is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever read, “How can she act like her blog self isn’t her real self?”
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
I just wish that someday blog me will one day not be a separate category of my “different lives.” It will just be me.
I hope that one day I won’t be scared to be me in that big, scary world out there.
- I’m Yours by Alessia Cara
I’m in an Alessia Cara phase. This song very much resonates with what I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks.