Jealously is an Ugly Shade

I remember, as a kid, coloring with one of those 64 set crayola crayons, which had an array of so many different colors.

I remember this one shade of green that was just kind of disgusting to me. I referred to it as “Garbage Green,” instead of the actual crayon name. Because I really thought it was  a really disgusting color and it reminded me of Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street (no hate to Oscar the Grouch lol)

I think that jealousy is that shade of green.

Jealousy is one of the worst things on the planet.

To actually feel it and not be able to stop it, is horrible.

Have you ever had a friend who, I feel horrible writing this… But have you ever had a friend who wasn’t as smart as you?

It’s not that they’re dumb, it’s just that you’re supposed to be labeled as “the smart one” compared to them.

Well I feel like Oscar the Grouch talking about this.

I’ve been jealous because my best friend did better on this qualification exam in which the grade of it doesn’t count towards anything, it was just a test to see where you are in reading and writing.

When I saw that she did a whole level better than me, I grew jealous.

I hated feeling like that.

Was I really capable of feeling what I felt?

I felt pure hatred, towards the stupid exam, towards the school board. I even felt hate towards myself, because I convinvced myself that I could’ve done better.

But I didn’t even care about the exam because it didn’t even count as a grade or anything, it was just like a status update to how I’m doing.

So, I barely tried on the exam. And I actually did pretty good for a loose try. But, when I saw that my friend who also barely tried got a better score… I don’t know what happened to myself.

Am I a horrible person?

That was yesterday, I kind of toned down the jealousy until today.

In Modern World, we did this World Map Geography thing, where we had to fill in some stuff. I suck at Geography, I never really learned it or contained any of its information.

Well, our teacher said a few of us did bad and we had to redo it, and I knew that I was one of those people. He also said the people who did good had a score on theirs. I got my paper back and it said redo, I wasn’t surprised. My friend said she would probably get that too. But, when she got hers back, it had a score on it.

I have no idea what happened to me in that moment.

My whole demeanor changed.

I was happy and cheery one moment and then the next I was reclusive and quiet.

I suddenly became angry, just like yesterday.

I wanted the feeling to stop, but I couldn’t make it stop. I emotionally and mentally could not.

This feeling is horrible. Imagine if my brother and I competed with each other in school, thank goodness we weren’t those kids.

I don’t think I could’ve handled this as a kid, I can’t even handle it now.

This jealousy made me think about my current status in school.

I remember it was such a drastic change from 8th grade to high school.

I went from getting straight A’s to…

I was so scared Freshman Year that I just created a fake identity for myself. I prayed, I hoped, I cried.

Thankfully, I did better in Sophomore Year and I only got only one B and the rest A’s majority of the time.

But what about now?

My college credit class makes me want to cry and hit a wall.

I’m going to take the PSAT next month.

I’m too scared to check any of my grades because A. anxiety and B. I’m scared.

This jealousy has just brought down my self-esteem. I feel like I’ve let myself down, I haven’t opened my brain to its full capacity.

You grow envious to someone else and their achievement, and that’s the worst part about it. Because we should be proud of ourselves and other’s achievements.

But jealousy exists, and that’s the deal-breaker.

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