Looking for Love, When It Was Already There

They told me,

“Darling, love is all you need,

it can change rain into sun,

gloomy into a clear sky,

it can carry you through,

it can make everything painful seem bearable.

All you gotta do is find it.

But, sometimes, it will find you.”

So I started looking for it.

I didn’t want to be lonely in life so I started young.

In kindergarten I had my first crush.

But it wasn’t love.

It was looks, and love isn’t looks.

Then at the end of the grade, he left.

In first grade, I stumbled upon another crush.

But the situation was the same.

He also left.

In 3rd grade, the same thing happened.

It was the exact same thing as the first two.

But the problem was that he didn’t leave.

Which meant my crush didn’t leave either.

It lasted until 7th grade when he left as well.

And I got heartbroken over a crush.

Then comes 8th grade, where a new crush comes in.

But this time, it’s different.

Looks are just a factor.

I figure out that personality is what I fell for this time, and it should’ve been what I fell for all those other times.

This time, we both left.

The school only went from kindergarten to 8th grade.

And once 8th grade ended, we both left, but I still liked him, which is different from the above three.

And I wasted my years headstrong about the depiction of love on a wrong guy.

I finally understood how the heart can manipulate the mind, by thinking that a jerk who only plays with a girl’s heart is my hero.

Because that’s the only thing he wanted to do. He only wanted to play the game.

My heart was broken and my heart never felt like moving on.

Until, this year.

Junior year.

I’m falling for a guy that I’ve known since freshman year.

Why does my heart constantly need to like someone?

Is it looking for love.

You know, in movies and shows and people and just life itself,

they teach you that love is found in someone else.

By some guy who’s gonna “save my life.”

But how come they never told me to love myself?

How come it was such a late idea?

When I was a little girl, all I saw were Disney princess movies.

How come there were only movies around where the perfect prince would come and save the princess?

How come I was never taught to love myself?

Why isn’t that a bigger deal?

How come on Valentine’s day we aren’t taught to love ourselves.

If we do and we admit that, then why are we seen as loners?

I wasted so many years, looking for love or for the depiction of it,

when it was just the girl staring back at me. All this time.

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2 thoughts on “Looking for Love, When It Was Already There

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