If any of you don’t know who that is, here you go: Click me
Because things have happened. Things as in feelings and thoughts things
So in short summary, he’s the guy I like and in the past 14 weeks of school, we’ve become friends. He’s in four of my classes. (His real name isn’t Phoenix just in case you might not know)
The more we’ve become friends, the more I fall for him. He’s just so genuine and he cares. He actually cares. And his smile, it just brightens my whole day.
But of course life gets in the way and he had a girlfriend so I couldn’t do anything about my feelings. Because every nice and genuine thing that he did was just platonic… (did anyone happen to catch that past tense? …We’re not there yet in the story)
So on Tuesday, he talked to me a lot and smiled and things happened. I realized that I couldn’t do anything about my feelings, whether he has a girlfriend or not. Because I
didn’t want to don’t want to ruin what we have. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I don’t want to lose someone else that I care about. Even if I got the chance, I realized I would still want to disregard my feelings.
Once I came to this conclusion I went to school the next day, Wednesday, keeping what I felt and my realizations in mind. So Wednesday was a half day because it was the day before Thanksgiving. I really did not feel like doing anything Wednesday, I was grumpy because I got sick that morning and it just happened to be the day my school begins Thanksgiving break. Plus, I was having a bad day, I left my phone charging in the car, I left my binder with my homework at home, and my best friend couldn’t make it to lunch. So yeah, I really wasn’t feeling Wednesday.
Well, Phoenix came late to school on Wednesday. Some girl in my class, who’s one of those girls who are friends with everyone and is really loud during class and sociable, asked him as soon as he walked in, “Hey Phoenix, why did you break up with ____?” (I don’t really want to say the girl’s name) What she asked was just awkward and rude. I mean she said it as soon as he walked in and in front of the whole class. Of course, he didn’t reply and he had a solemn face walking toward his seat.
But me? My reaction? As soon as she said those words my heart started palpitating and I couldn’t turn around and look at him (from where I sat the classroom door was behind me) I just stared at the girl who asked the question, questioning whether I heard what she said right or not. He broke up with her? When? He seemed fine yesterday? I always thought that if he were to break up with her he would seem closed off and depressed but he seemed fine? Even later that day he smiled at me as we were passing each other in the hallway.
I’ve done this thing, in the past, where my mind and heart convinces me that Phoenix broke up with her because maybe he wasn’t walking with her in the hallway and I didn’t really see them together (I saw them together a lot in the hallway) but, of course, my assumptions were always wrong and they didn’t break up.
But this time? It actually happened. And after those false alarms, I had to tell myself that the only way I would know for sure if they broke up was if I heard it somewhere, and I heard it. It happened.
But it happened the day after my realization. It happened after the fact that I realized I didn’t want to talk about my feelings in regards to the consideration of our friendship. But that was before I knew that he broke up with her.
But I don’t want to be that person. I mean, he just broke up with her. As much as I didn’t like the girl he was dating, she doesn’t deserve this. I already feel horrible about thinking these thoughts. But I have to get it all out because I’m afraid I might explode.
There are so many reasons as to why, even in this circumstance, my feelings are still blocked:
He doesn’t like me in the same way that I like him. Every conversation we’ve had was platonic and just friend-wise conversations. I don’t know this for a fact, but every conversation that we’ve had this year has been conversations where, no matter what, he still had a girlfriend and I couldn’t do or say anything to change that.
I’m not his type. The girl he dated was the complete opposite of me. She was sociable and dressed confidently and is outgoing.
I might not like him the way that I think I like him. I’ve been really conflicted with this reason. But there was a reason as to why I stopped talking to him in freshman year and why he started freaking me out, I just don’t remember what it was. What if that feeling comes back? What if I just have platonic feelings for him and this is just my way of getting over “Him?”
I don’t have time for a boyfriend. I want to focus on school because things are just starting to look up school-related and to be knocked off track of that would just give me anxiety.
I’m not sure I’m ready for a boyfriend. I mean I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t really want one right now. I mean yes I like the guy, but to be committed and all that, I don’t think I’m ready. I still want to figure out who I am and who I want to be. Plus, I don’t think I’m even “girlfriend material.” I really wish I had a better word for that phrase. And I’m nothing like him, I’m not sociable or outgoing. How would we hang out?
He could get back together with her. He could realize he made a mistake and he misses her and all that stuff, which is the reason I’m most scared of.
I never actually thought that he would actually break up with her, I mean it was surprising to me. Maybe him having a girlfriend was safe for me, it put a fence around my feelings. And now? My feelings are just all over the place. All I can think about is the moment where that girl in my class says “You broke up with her?” And his expression. And my reaction. I’m thinking about the times I’ve seen him this week and where it was evident on his face that he broke up with her. But I can’t find it. This is all I think about. This is all I feel. And I can’t stop it. I’m going to be a mess on Monday.
I think that I’m scared. I’m scared that I might actually have a chance now. Or I might ruin something incredible. I’m scared of my feelings and I don’t know what to do.
Maybe this is all a hallucination and he didn’t break up with her. I’ll see them holding hands on Monday and it’ll break my heart again like it has for the past few weeks.
That’s another reason I want to disregard my feelings. Because of the hurt. The hurt that I experienced while I saw them together. I mean, I can’t just forget about that. It was hell every time I saw them together. It was like my heart was crashing and breaking but I couldn’t do anything or say anything to make it better. I mean it’s not like I could go up to them and be like “Could you please stop holding hands, it’s breaking my heart.” That would just make me look crazy. It was so bad that I literally prayed that I wouldn’t see them together because it hurt so much. What do I do about that hurt and those memories? It’s like they’re burned in my brain, even more so than the good memories of him and I talking about things.
And it’s not like I can ignore him and just pass him by. We’re still friends and he’ll know that something is up. He’s been asking me “Are you ok?” whenever I seem off. There right there, that’s how I fall for him. He cares. I couldn’t even ignore him if I tried, it would break me and he would talk to me or smile at me or do something that makes me fall for him even harder.
Even now, thinking about him, the good memories and moments just make me fall. Right now, I’m pretty sure I’ve passed the concrete now, I’m literally falling through dirt, I’m underground. That’s how deep I am in my feelings for him.
I just, I have no idea what to think or feel. Whenever we’ve had a moment, I’ve had to disregard it and remind myself that he has a girlfriend, but now? My heart is going to be a mess. Don’t even get me started on my mind, my mind is going to overthink e.v.e.r.y. interaction.
I just needed to get all of this off of my chest, I don’t really have a concluding sentence or a resolution. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through any of this. But like I always say, thank you for listening to my rant and caring. It means so much to me, I can’t even begin to explain. Thank you.
I hope you all had a great week, and if you celebrate Thanksgiving this week, had a great Thanksgiving.
- Hold Up by Demi Lovato