Friendship over Feelings

12.08. 16:

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

And it sucks because I feel like I can’t talk to anyone one on one with this because no one cares.

I am so friendzoned that it’s not even funny.

And it’s so frustrating.

Because Phoenix is such a great and genuine friend and guy.

But that’s what he’ll always be… A friend.

Ever since he broke up with his girlfriend we’ve been talking more. I guess it’s because I don’t feel bad for my feelings anymore.

But since we’ve been talking more, I’ve just been getting more comfortable and falling in deeper.

It hurts so so so so so much. Because he’ll never think of me in that way. Why would he?

This is so pathetic and stupid, I never wanted my life to revolve around a guy,  but it’s so hard. It’s so frustrating and complicated whenever I fall for someone. Why can’t it just be a small crush? Why does he have to notice me? Why couldn’t I just have admired him from afar like any normal crush?

It’s stupid to say this, but it was easier when he had a girlfriend because then my feelings couldn’t be acted upon.

But now, it’s hard knowing that he’s not taken but also knowing you never have a chance. And you never will because he only likes you platonically.

It’s especially hard considering I see him every day and I can’t avoid him because we’re friends and he’s so caring ugh.

The other day I tried not to give into a conversation that I knew was coming so I just acted kind of detached in a sense. But that didn’t make him stop talking to me. Noooo it made him full on turn towards me and flash a perfect smile and talk in his charming voice and ugh.

I can’t think of him as a friend. I’ve tried so hard. I tried and tried and tried, but I can’t think of him in that way.  I just can’t.

And it hurts. It hurts so much.

I sound so stupid, heartbreak is stupid. This is why during those first few weeks I didn’t want to admit that I like him and was falling for him because I didn’t want to get hurt again.

But here I am. I have this great guy as a friend. That should be enough for me, shouldn’t it? Why does my heart have to have a say?

12.09.16:

So I typed that all out yesterday and I didn’t get the chance to upload it because of different uninteresting complications. But it’s a day later and I’ve thought more of some things.

I can’t believe that I actually thought all of the above.

I mean, yes it does hurt. But, I don’t deserve anything out of him.

I ignored him the first day of school, but he wanted to be friends.

I want to start ignore him, but he keeps being kind.

I don’t deserve anything out of him, if anything, he deserves things out of me.

I shouldn’t just ignore him just because his heart doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Why would he in any case deserve that?

I think that I’ve just been taking this situation the same way I’ve ben talking the “Him” situation. If you don’t know, “Him” is a guy who I’ve had feelings for, for a while and before Phoenix, have been trying to get over for the past 2 years, which I have done. But, while I liked him, to be honest, he was a jerk. He played with my heart on purpose, it was a part of his charming game. I was nothing special to him. It didn’t bother him whether I talked to him or not. He was and is the exact opposite of Phoenix. So, why do I want to treat Phoenix like I treated “Him?”

Phoenix is an amazing friend. When I’m having crappy days, he smiles at me and asks me if I’m ok when I seem off. He does little things that helps so much, like helping me study for our Spanish quiz. He’s proud of me when I don’t give up on something stressful, and he always comforts me. He doesn’t deserve any hate that my heart wants to give him for liking me platonically.

It just so happens that I like him as well. If he doesn’t  like me too and thinks of me in a platonic way, it’ll be hard for my heart. But realistically, he’s a friend I never want to lose due to my heart.

I am in no way disregarding my feelings or blaming my heart for anything, I just don’t want to let my heart be the only one that has a say. I want my head to be in there too, and my head is saying it doesn’t want to lose another friend. My heart will most definitely hurt, but this hurt is better than the hurt of losing him altogether.

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