So there could be a lot of conversations that I refer to as “THAT.”
THAT just means something I’ve really wanted to talk about but have held back because once I talk about it on here, it’s real. It becomes something.
The THAT is capitalized because it’s big and you notice it, and it’s emphasized.
Enough of talking about the presence of the word THAT. Let me tell you what THAT actually is. Ready?…..
There I even made the font a little bigger.
I’m a high school junior so I still have 2 more years until college, but now is the time where the question of “Where are you going to college?” actually has to be considered now.
I don’t know. I still don’t know.
But right now I don’t have much anxiety over where I’m going compared to what my major is going to be.
I know what I want to be, but there is also someone other people want me to be.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been told, yes told, what I’m going to do with my life.
Of course, when I was little I wanted to be everything. I remember I wanted to be a firefighter because I liked the color red and I thought their suits were red. But of course, I didn’t pursue that dream. I was told so much that I was going to be a future doctor that I actually considered it. It middle school, when people would ask me what I want to be I would actually answer Pediatrician, because that’s what I thought I wanted to be, I mean it’s what everyone told me I would be.
And by everyone I mean everyone, my dad, my uncles, aunts, just ever family member you can think of I guess. This might not seem normal to you, but it is sadly very normal for me.
I’m Indian, my dad is an MRI Technologist, my mom was a nurse before my brother and I were born. I’m stating that I’m Indian because we have standards. My best friend is Indian too, and even her mom wants her to be a doctor. My uncle has 3 kids, they’re all nurses now, even the uncle is a nurse. I’m surrounded by doctors, I think that my brother is even going to be a doctor (I’m a horrible sister I don’t even know what his major is lol) I didn’t really wanna ask my brother, because if he succumbed to something he doesn’t want to be would I have to?
Over the years, I’ve happily learned to have my own opinions and dreams. I’ve realized that I don’t have to be what they already expect me to be. But that doesn’t take away the pressure AND anxiety.
The anxiety is very high.
How do you just become someone your family didn’t expect you to be?
I don’t really care about my extended family’s opinion and perspective to be honest. My mom has nothing but support for me in whatever I do. My brother legit already knows what I want to do with my life, and I didn’t even know. He’s the MVP for real though. He knows I’m going to have to tell the person I’m most scared to tell sometime soon.
My dad. I love my dad more than anything, he’s given me more than I possibly need and no matter where, he’s always there for me in my sick times. But it’s hard for him to understand certain things. He’s the person who always tells me I’m going to be a doctor. I even tried telling him once that I didn’t want to be a doctor, but he shut it down and we never went into a conversation about it because I said that to him while he was leaving for work. I’ve never told him what I want to actually be. That’s what I’m scared of.
I want to major in music. I love singing. I love playing the guitar. I love learning to play the piano. I love writing songs. Music is my life. It’s more than a hobby, it is my life.
The other day, colleges have been starting to send me mail to be interested in their college and I’m like yes finally I can decide. But the information on the letter is already filled out, like your address, your name, your email… stuff like that because that information comes from your school. Well, on the second college letter that I got, it had my academic interest, and I didn’t know it would have that, because the first college letter didn’t have that.
Academic Interest: Music
Lol, they can’t read my mind, that would be cool but very creepy. I filled out my academic interest in school too. But in that moment everything kind of became real. This is actually what I want to do. What I want to pursue. What I want to fill out for. What I
want need to tell my dad.
But I don’t even know how. Ever since I was a little girl he’s been telling me I’m going to be a doctor. Once I literally bandaged a cut for him and he told me I’m going to be a good doctor. I just don’t want to be pressured anymore. But you can’t stop pressure that has lasted all your life. My aunt literally told me she’ll talk to someone to get me into a medical school and my brother looked at me weird knowing that I didn’t want that. My uncle has been on the phone with me after my driving lesson telling me I need a good car once I’m a doctor.
I remember all these little moments because it’s been my headache ever since I shared my songwriting with my 8th grade class and my teacher told me, “You can actually make this a real thing. This could be your career.” (Story time & Rant: Songwriting) That’s the exact moment I knew I didn’t want to be what my family were pressuring me to be. I never wanted to be it.
Ever since that moment I’ve been praying to God, hoping that what he has planned for me will not turn me into someone I’m not.
Whenever I hear a song I just lose myself and imagine that I’m singing it in front of an audience. Whenever I write a new song I think of recording it. Whenever I feel depressed about life I somehow make myself feel better knowing that I might someday be doing something I love. This dream is the only reason I’ve pushed myself this far in life.
I want to do this. I want to succeed. I want to share my voice out there, I want to stop sitting in an old theater seat and want to be the one up on that stage. I want to stop worrying if I can be who I want to be. I just want to worry about which college I want to go to.
I want to have enough courage to tell my dad, and not be scared of what he’ll say.
Music is a very risky thing. You could either make it… or do the complete opposite. But I at least want to have the chance to see how it’ll go. I want to have the chance to express myself.
Because I really cannot see myself becoming a doctor. I can’t even if I try really hard to see it.
There is nothing more in the world I would ever want more than happiness. It’s my aspiration. But I can’t see myself happy being someone I’m completely not.
So I can either muster all the things that I’ve wanted to say for the past few years to come out, or I can stay silent forever. And the second option scares me to no end because it’s not who I’ve matured to be. I didn’t become the person I am today to follow someone else’s perception of how I should be. I want to write my own book. I want to start my own journey. I want to be me.
Back to Me by Marian Hill x Lauren Jauregui