Worse.

I need someone to talk to.

Because I did it again.

I can’t believe I did it again.

And it hurts just like the first time, but worse.

Because this time I actually convinced myself that I had a chance, that maybe he could actually like me. How could I possible think that? Who would ever like me?

I can’t believe I gave my heart to someone again, only to have it treated worse than the previous time I’ve done it.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I like? Well since he broke up with his girlfriend we’ve become better friends. I’ve been able to talk to him more. I’ve learned to put my feelings aside for our friendship. I was ok with that.

But I was not prepared for today.

I’ve never been in a relationship but I’m pretty sure than an ex boyfriend doesn’t take an ex girlfriend’s jacket to wear it. I actually walked outside at the exact moment when his girlfriend got asked/yelled at by her friend as to why she’s not wearing a jacket. And she said he had it.

He had it.

Why would he have her jacket if they broke up?

Of course, I’m not dumb and I connected the pieces. The other day, I saw them walking next to each other in the hallway but they weren’t holding hands and she came up to him, not the other way around so I thought that it was nothing. It apparently wasn’t nothing.

I didn’t ask for this.

I don’t want this.

I want my stupid feelings to go away.

I didn’t want to walk right down on the lane of heartbreak. Again.

I want the opposite.

Whatever this love thing may be or may not be, I don’t want it.

I don’t want to get hurt again.

I want to stop feeling, I just want everything to stop.

The worst thing out of all of this is that I was learning to be carefree and happy, he gave me a happiness that I can’t even begin to describe. Whenever I talked about him to my friends I realized that I didn’t want to stop talking about him. I wasn’t afraid to look at his face and smile anymore because there was no catch he didn’t have a girlfriend and I didn’t feel guilty… now what?

Do I just go back to how I felt at the beginning of the school year?

Those feelings were the worst.

There’s another coincidence. I finally confessed to myself that when I first saw him with his girlfriend I wasn’t jealous of what they had, it hurt. It hurt because I had feelings for him, but back then I tried to hide it, but it hurt. I finally opened my feelings up to that fact.

I can’t be mad at him. I can’t hate him. I can’t do any of it. Am I going to hate him for not liking me? That’s utterly stupid. But, why does he have to be this way? Why does he have to be so him? If he wasn’t so nice and genuine maybe I could find some flaws to convince my heart stop feeling these feelings for him, but I can’t.

I can’t turn off my feelings, I can’t pretend anymore that seeing him with his girlfriend doesn’t hurt anymore. All I can do is feel. Ugh, why do I have to make liking someone this whole serious thing, why can’t I just have carefree crushes? Why did he have to be so different?

I thought I was safe. I was safe. I didn’t have to see them together anymore and that helped my heart, it’s barely been a month. I have to see them together again, I have to see him happy again.

Out of everything I’ve said, I don’t know which part of it is worse.

I wasn’t prepared for any of this, and my anxiety had an inkling that this was going to happen. That he was going to get back together with her. I just hoped that my anxiety would be wrong for once.

Please. If someone is there. I really need a hand to pull me out of this hole that I’m drowning it.

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