I never even imagined that something like this would happen to me. That someone would actually care so much to confront me about what I’m going through.
So Phoenix is the guy that I like. Over the semester we’ve become really good friends. I’m not like one of those people who can barely talk to their crush whenever they’re around. Well… that was the beginning lol. But now, we crack jokes at each other and talk about real things and rant to each other and we’re just really good friends. He started showing his real self to me and I’ve been doing the same. He jokes around a lot (like me) but he still makes sure to ask me if I’m ok and I ask him the same.
We have the same Spanish class and he sits right in front of me but he always turns toward me and puts his arm on my desk. This is the class where we mostly talk because I mean he’s right there lol. No matter what he always tries to make me laugh or smile, that’s why I really value his friendship. Over the past few weeks, I guess I haven’t really been discrete about my anxiety and my constant worrying.
A week ago he asked me “Are you worried about something?” because… I really don’t know maybe I have this look or something, I tend to touch my forehead a lot when I’m stressed. And I just said “Stuff. A lot of stuff.” He laughed and said “Wow that’s really specific. What stuff?” I just told him the only answer I could give him at the time “Life.” He always notices me being worried about things and looking stressed, but I never thought that he would figure something out about me.
Even with my anxiety, I tend to laugh a lot. I’m a very laugh-prone (is that a word?) person. I laugh at almost anything, of course, if it’s funny. I laugh even when I feel pain and there’s something funny that someone said. I just love laughing, it just frees me up from pain in a sense. It makes me feel happy and my heart feels happy, it’s just a great feeling.
Well, Phoenix asked me “You laugh a lot but you’re always worried. Why?” As a joke, I said, (and laughed) “To laugh away the pain.” Of course, he took this seriously and didn’t see the joke side of me. Then he said, “Can I ask you a question?” And this is where our whole friendship changed.
He asked me if I have depression.
I didn’t lie to him. I didn’t really feel like lying. I didn’t want to lie. So I told him the honest truth. I’m not sure. Maybe. I told him that my mom has depression and it’s genetic.
I’m really serious about issues when I’m writing, but I hate being too serious when I’m having conversations because it just feels really weird like I’m on a dramatic television show. So when he kept looking at me really worried and tried to figure out if I was ok I tried to comfort him by saying I’m fine.
But I mean. He. Actually. Cares.
The other day I got his snapchat and we started texting each other. And after school, when I got home, I see that he texted me. Of course, I began overthinking a lot and couldn’t open the message until 2 hours later when I was ready and you know what he said?
“Hey if the sadness thing is something you’d like to share, know that I am here.”
I melted into a puddle. I thought that he would just forget the whole conversation we had in class. But he wanted to make sure I felt safe talking to him.
I then went into this mini rant where I told him I’m not sure if I have depression but what I’m sure of having is anxiety. Yep. I actually told him about my anxiety. Imagine how much back and forth I went with my mind admitting that. But maybe it was obvious that I have anxiety considering he noticed I worry a lot. I told him how I overthink and I have my good and bad days but I’ve been having good days recently and there’s nothing to worry about I’m ok right now.
He said he noticed my anxiety and that’s why he was worried about me. He said even though he might play around he’s a really good listener.
And I mean the fact that he cares is one thing. But the fact that he noticed this about me and wanted to know what was going on with me is such a great feeling.
I mean the first day of Junior year he literally sat right next to me and I didn’t talk to him at all (I knew him from freshman year) because I thought he could be one of those fake friends and I really didn’t want to try if the friendship was just going to waste like every other friendship I’ve had.
But here I am, in the present, talking to him about my anxiety. I never thought that I would ever talk to him about this. I even told him if he didn’t notice there was 100% no way I would’ve told him. But he did notice.
I’m really happy. I’m happy that I have someone who’s there for me. I’m just… I don’t even know what to feel. This has nothing to do with the fact that I like him, it has everything to do with the fact that he cares.
Care is something I was scared he didn’t have for me. But I was completely wrong.