One thing I’ll never understand? Life.
I don’t understand what it’s doing. I don’t understand where it’s taking me. I don’t understand why I have to feel things.
I don’t understand why life has to coincidentally put the same guy in four of my classes… We start talking, we become friends, we tell each other secrets because we’ve become good friends, I start getting these feelings for him… then life just takes that away.
Context? Phoenix who was in 4 of my classes this semester, the person I saw every day is in none of my classes next semester.
I won’t see him anymore.
How can life just give and take? How can it just make me feel these things and expect me to be okay with the changes of it? I didn’t even want these feelings. I didn’t want to fall for one of my friends. I don’t want this to be a situation where I pine for him, because that would just be ridiculous.
I’m scared. There I said it. I’m scared that he’ll forget about me or he’ll stop talking to me.
I’m not prepared for that. I literally gave him a deep piece of myself (my anxiety) and I opened up to him. I like telling him things, I like talking to him, I like joking around with him. I like being friends with him. I’m happy.
Do you know how many friends I talk to regularly who I don’t see every day?
One. And it’s one of my best friends who goes to a boarding school.
This is one reason I didn’t want to be friends with him. I didn’t want to experience the fearful reality of losing his friendship. I couldn’t be able to take it if that reality did happen.
I mean there are still friends that I have who I’ve had classes with who I talk to here and there… but I don’t feel like our friendship is going anywhere or they’re not genuine in our conversations… It’s just so fake to text.
Trust me, I like texting, but I like face-to-face real talk better. Without face to face conversations here and there, it’s like you don’t know the person at all. People have the power to be whoever they want to be when texting because there are no repercussions.
Plus I don’t just want to just text him, I want to see him.
I guess I kind of got what I wanted.
I’ve said so many times that I want him not to be in any of my classes next semester. But only because I couldn’t take my feelings anymore. I couldn’t take seeing him with his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend or whatever they are. I couldn’t take the overthinking. I just couldn’t take my feelings overwhelming me and on numerous occasions, I wanted this.
But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually the things you want, they’re just the things you think you want. I know that sentence didn’t really make any sense, my brain isn’t really functioning right now.
I just. I don’t want to lose another friend in my life. I don’t want to throw another friendship in the trash. I literally don’t have the mental, emotional, and physical capability of accepting another forgotten friendship. My heart can’t take it. Especially if it’s him.
It took me 3 months to open up to him. Do you know how much effort that took out of me? I had to break down my walls and choose to be happy. I had to disregard the pain. And now what?
Of course, my anxiety is like, “He’ll forget about you,” while I’m trying to be optimistic and remind myself of how much he cares. But fighting the anxiety in this sort of situation will pull the life out of me; because hope… hasn’t been my best friend lately. I can’t hope that I won’t lose him. I can’t hope for something that my mind contradicts. My mind is an eternal presence while hope is something I struggle to hold onto. Which one will win this battle?