I hate this feeling. It’s one of the worst things in the world if you’ve ever felt this feeling.
I felt it when I had to transition from middle school into high school.
I felt it when my great aunt died.
I felt it when a member of my favorite band left.
I felt it when “friends” stopped talking to me.
Have you ever felt that feeling?
It just feels like your heart keeps dropping and you might be okay for a second then all the memories come back and your heart starts dropping again. You feel this pain that you can’t erase or ignore or relieve. You have to just feel… and it’s the worst because all you feel is sadness. That feeling that things will never return to the way that they were.
That feeling is the feeling of change.
And I feel it right now.
I’ve talked about my feelings about the changes of my school’s second semester on my blog recently and today was the day that 2nd semester actually started.
The feelings aren’t really real until you’re “in the moment.” It never truly hits you until it’s real.
All my classes are the same, same rooms, same seats, some of the same teachers… but none of the same people.
And it sucks. It doesn’t just suck. It hurts.
I built relationships with people in my classes. I used to see them every day or every other day and now I won’t see them at all anymore.
Spanish class sucked today. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. It’s the one class that truly 100% got to me. Because I was in the same classroom with the same exact teacher during the same period and it felt just like 1st semester… except when she said, “You can work with a partner,” my friends weren’t there. I had no one.
That’s when it hit me.
It was like I was in a distorted mirror. Everything looked the same but it was, in fact, not the same. Even doing my Spanish homework made me feel broken and I have no idea why.
I even miss the friends I knew were only temporary friends. It doesn’t matter how long our friendships were destined to last, it’s not like I won’t miss them. I felt okay to be myself. I didn’t have to pretend that I was someone else being their friend. Their presence alone made me feel less stressed about projects, quizzes, tests, etc. They helped me in a way, and the fact that we could laugh over our stress made things happier.
I miss Phoenix. Of course, I miss him. I used to see him every day and now? I know I already made a post about this feeling but it hurts 100x more. We’re currently texting but he’s the worst replier (time wise) on the planet. It’s hard for my anxiety not to have my doubts when my messages are 8 hours old. I’ll never see him. He used to make my bad days turn good, and maybe that’s why being in Spanish class hurts so much. That was the class where we got to know each other more, where we would talk, laugh, and work together. Maybe that’s why being in the same room looking over to where we used to sit hurts so so so much.
I can’t look over to him and expect a smile. I can’t look forward to him bringing a smile to my face or giving me a fist bump. I can’t laugh at his silly faces or be annoyed at him mimicking me or feel a little bit better that he notices what I’m really feeling. I can’t expect anything because I don’t see him anymore.
He was a huge piece of my happiness. With him, I didn’t have to put a fake mask on and he actually cared about my feelings.
I can’t just get over that and suffice with only texting him.
I’ve never had this feeling transitioning into a new semester. Because my semesters in school were never “that” good to miss. My school has even days and odd days and they alternate, so we don’t have the same classes every day. In the past, even days and odd days were either categorized as bad days or good days to me. Example? My even days were good days because my friends were in the classes that I had for that specific day, but my odd days were bad days because I always had work. Well, this is the only semester where my odd and even days were both good. I mean, I won’t sugarcoat it; my odd days were bad sometimes, but my friends were always there with me which made things a bit easier.
That’s the thing I’ll miss the most, in case it wasn’t evident: The people.
The people I won’t see anymore.
This feeling of change is breaking my heart. The worst part is I can’t do anything about this pain… but feel it. I can’t fix it I can’t change it I can’t do anything but live it.
And I know, the first few weeks of the first semester weren’t exactly sunshine. It took a lot of time to build the friendships that I had. Lots and lots and lots of time. The first few weeks of a school year always suck. But it sucks because I have standards now. First semester was good so I’ll always be comparing it with second semester and I’m pretty sure it’ll never match up.
Of course, as a Christian I have to believe that God has bigger plan for me. That this pain will shape me into the person I will become. I have to be strong I have to keep my faith.
It might take some time to adjust to the change. Just a little more pain… if it means it’ll shape me into the person I’ll be in the future, it’s worth it.