my heart is breaking and I can’t do anything.

People always warn you about life.

How it won’t always be what you expect it to be.

How your grades might be suckish but you have to keep trying.

How the friends that you have right now won’t always be the friends that you have forever.

How you might not even know what you want to do with your life when you’re on the cusp of college.

I understood all of that. I got that.

But how come no one ever told me about a broken heart?

Why don’t we get taught about a broken heart?

Because I have no idea what to do but feel.

And feeling things are just placing me slowly into my hole of sadness…but I don’t want to go to my hole of sadness.

I want to be happy. I want to not care. I don’t want to feel.

But my heart. My heart has other plans. It wants to make me suffer. It wants to do this.

I’m not blaming my heart but why does it have to do this?

You’ve never known heartbreak until you see or hear something and you can physically feel your heart dropping and breaking into a million pieces. If you’ve ever had that feeling then we’re in the same boat: hop on.

It’s literally the worst thing in the world. It especially sucks when you’re in a room full of people and you can’t tell anyone… your friends no one that your heart is breaking. Because it’s your problem, and you don’t want to bother them.

They wouldn’t understand. They’d think this is a trivial matter. “Get over it.”

How can I?

How do you expect me to get over something that’s been building up? Something that I didn’t even intend to build up? Something I didn’t even want to build up?

I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t let my heart keep breaking. But I don’t want to ruin something good. What’ll hurt more?

The present: Which is what’s happening right now. My heart continually breaking whenever I see him with her.

Or the future: What might happen if I tell him the truth. I’ll lose him as a friend and everything will turn to crap.

I’m sorry you don’t have any context and I’m being really vague. I’m just getting so tired of my mind reliving every small detail. I can’t keep recounting anymore because it just gets exhausting. But if you keep up with my posts you might know who I’m talking about, considering I never shut up about him. My content has really hit a low considering I only talk about him and I have so many other blogging ideas.

But every day is just another struggle. Another heartbreak. Another broken road. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It hurts so much.

Ever since he’s entered my life, I can’t see me handling all this stuff without him. I mean, he made me feel safe about talking about my anxiety. You know what he told me? I once told him that I don’t want to bother him with details about my life and he said the reason that we talk is because he wants to know more about me. He cares and makes it seem like my life is of interest. Like my life is worth talking about.

I’ve been happier since I’ve been talking to him, I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat that. I’ve been happier because of him.

I can’t do this. Did I say that phrase a lot? I don’t know.

How can you just stop having feelings for the guy who has everything you’ve dreamed of in a guy when you watched those Disney princess movies? In middle school, I had a crush on someone and I always pictured them as caring and genuine. But I was just picturing my crush as that when they were in fact not at all “that.” All those traits that I dreamed were in my crush are in him. The him who is unknowingly breaking my heart. The him who is my friend. The him who has a girlfriend or whatever they are.

You know what the funny thing is? The only reason I didn’t want him in any of my classes were to make this whole thing easier on me. On my heart. I thought not having him in my classes would prevent me from seeing him with her. But guess what? The only time I see him is when he’s with her. Is life just trying to spit on me and kick me where it hurts? I mean really? Is that even necessary?

I. Do. Not. Want. This.

I didn’t want these feelings. Why couldn’t I just like a random guy in one of my classes? Why did it have to become a thing? Why did a friendship have to come out of it?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

I don’t want to move on. He literally makes me so happy.

I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I can talk to him about anything.

I don’t want to tell him that I like him. I can’t. Everyone in our school knows that him and his girlfriend are a thing. They’re an “item” or whatever it is. I would be like that weird girl in the movies who’s in the way of the main couple of being together. and I can’t ruin our friendship, not when it’s just starting.

I can’t do anything.

I can’t do anything. 

I can only pretend. Whenever I see him, I have to seem happy considering I never see him. But how can I be happy when he’s with her? Or when I know he’s just waiting to meet her somewhere? How can I pretend to be happy?

This is why I can’t ever say hi to him. This is why I can only fake smile at him. This is why I immediately turn away when I see him. This is why when I saw him at the end of first period I immediately looked for my friend who I was going to walk with to our next class and pretend that I didn’t see him. (My friend and him supposedly have the same class) This is why when he jokingly hit me on the head with his folder I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t even smile. This is why I just watched him walk out the door.

Because there she was waiting for him to walk beside him.

I can’t do this. I can’t keep ruining myself and tearing myself down wondering what I don’t have that she does. What does she have that won’t make him walk away from me and say goodbye? What does she have that makes him want to always be with her?

Wow, I sound like the worst person on the planet. This girl hasn’t even done anything to me yet whenever I see her…. I hate hating people. I always promote love and nothing but that.

What is wrong with me? What happened to me? What are all these stupid feelings?

Why can’t life be good?? I should be happy to see him because I never see him nowadays. I should smile and say hi and joke around for a few seconds. I shouldn’t feel intimidated I shouldn’t feel the need to hide and walk faster to class. I should be happy. Yet, I’m not.

All I’m doing is feeling things and letting my heart break repeatedly.

I can’t take it. My anxiety can’t take it. My heart can’t take it. My well-being can’t take it.

Piece of advice: Never fall for one of your friends. It’s hell.

«Music Friday»

She’s So Gone by Naomi Scott

Yes you are correct. This is a song from a Disney Channel movie lol. Don’t judge me. It’s a really good movie extra 10 points considering I really love music and the movie is focused on a band creating their music and figuring themselves out. It’s just a really good song that I like. I love the message in the song that… you can look for the girl that I was but she’s (so) gone because I’m not her anymore and will never be her again. This song just really makes me think of how much I’ve changed to become the person I am today.

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