Yes, I think that that’s exactly what is happening.
If you’ve been around my blog you know who Phoenix is. I really can’t shut up about him. Well, this post really isn’t about my feelings but more about my anxiety.
So I like Phoenix but he’s also become a good friend of mine and it’s really complicated to explain. My feelings are really weird. Whenever I’m talking face to face with him my feelings aren’t really present I just think of him as a friend.
Over the last 3 months, we’ve become good friends. He cares about me, he found out about my anxiety. We talk about real stuff and we crack jokes. He called our friendship a superfriendship and when I told him what he would do if our superfriendship ended he said he would be sad, real sad.
So 2nd semester began and we have no classes with each other. But I have his snapchat and we always text each other on that. But of course, me, with my anxiety, had doubts and fears that I would lose him as a friend (Will I Lose Another Friendship?).
I actually told him that I was upset that we wouldn’t have classes together and he would forget me, but he reassured me that he wouldn’t forget me and we would text all the time.
Of course, my feelings had to get in the way for the past few weeks. And I will never blame my feelings for anything. So, the first few days of the semester I saw him in the hallway… with his girlfriend. And I couldn’t do anything. I just had to watch them while it broke my heart and walk really fast. It was really heartbreaking for me because whenever he saw me he smiled and said “Hi” but how could I have acted like things were normal? I fake smiled and walked away. I don’t really think he noticed.
So I had to keep my distance to fix my heart. I was doing ok. It was weird because he was texting me and I was trying to keep distance but still be his friend. Plus, he’s the worst replier (time-wise), so it wasn’t hard to keep a little time away to think about my heart.
But, it was hard to reply to him one morning and then get a response the next day. My anxiety definitely did not catch a break in any of this.
Then one day, I check my snapchat and see that he opened my message 9 hours prior to when I checked it and he… didn’t reply.
A bunch of my friends on snapchat always leave me on read but he never did, ever since we started texting he never did.
At this point, I’m overthinking to a point where I’m literally questioning whether he’s a real friend or not. Which doesn’t make sense because he hates fake friends as much as I do. He always wanted me to be real with him. So it wouldn’t make sense that he would open my message and not reply.
I knew that I would see him the next day because I always pick up my friend after first period finishes and he just so happens to be in the same first period as my friend.
But during first period through all my overthinking and trying to focus on my work, I see that he texted me. My anxiety makes me believe that he texted me just because I would see him next period and I convinced myself that my thinking was right.
So the petty side of me didn’t open the message, I thought I would wait it out considering he opened my message and didn’t reply… I mean it’s only fair right? Lol.
So I pick up my friend and I see him. But of course, I couldn’t look at him in the face because the anxiety was too much for me. So I leave to walk with my friend to my next class but I always see him afterward after dropping her off and I couldn’t really hide or run or look at my phone or anything because there were a few people in the hallway and I didn’t have my phone in my hand.
And he says “Check snap please.” That’s all he says. My mind is going 30 different directions. I wanted to wait to reply to him but he asked me to look at it. He said please. But also, my anxiety is like “That’s all he says to you? He literally doesn’t see you anymore and that’s it?” I mean it was 2 minutes until the bell rang and he had a class to get to but again I believed my mind.
Of course, I looked at his text and he asked me if I got his reply which I never got considering that on my phone he said he opened my messages and didn’t reply. So I reply literally an hour after he asks me to check snapchat because of course I have to be a nice person.
And he doesn’t read that message until first period again. Our school periods interchange everyday (we don’t have first period every day, we have it every other day)… so that means: He didn’t read the message (that he asked of me) until 2 days later.
Yep, I waited 2 days for another reply. I would be mad right now and overthinking but… The night before, he posted on his snapchat story. He posted a black screen with the caption “My private messaging for snapchat isn’t working so if you’re messaging me and I’m not replying that’s why and I’m trying to fix it.” Of course, my anxiety is like “If he’s able to post on his story why isn’t he able to send you a snap or message you?” (Sorry to anyone who doesn’t know how snapchat works) Of course, I believe my mind again!
So my mind just doesn’t choose to believe that his messaging isn’t working. And the next day when I see that he opened another one of my messages without replying I kind of understood… but my mind is choosing not too. And this time when I pick up my friend from after first period he’s not there. Which is weird because back when I had 4 classes with him he always took the longest time to get his stuff together. And my anxiety somehow convinced me that he left early because he knew that I would be picking my friend up and he was avoiding me.
I know it’s ridiculous, it gets worse.
Over this past weekend, I actually believed that he was a fake friend and that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I believed that I did something wrong or that I’m bothering him and it’s always my fault and why can’t I manage to let people stay?
Fast forward to: Today, when I went to go pick my friend up from first period I saw him as we were leaving but he didn’t see me see him so it was kind of easy. And I saw him afterward too, after dropping my friend off. I thought that I would feel some sense of strength because this is me not being phased by him and the fact that I tore myself up trying to figure out a reason to what I did wrong.
But I realized that it’s my fault.
He didn’t do anything wrong.
Please don’t tell me it’s not my fault, because it is.
He literally had a reason for not replying to me and all I’ve been doing is ignoring him and choosing to believe my toxic mind/anxiety. I believed its’ lies. I thought that every single thing that he did was to hurt me.
How did I manage to forget our 3 months of friendship in one week? One measly week? How did my mind manage to do that?
Now, I feel so so so bad. I just blatantly ignored him because my mind convinced me that I’m bothering him.
I try to put my trust in him, knowing that he doesn’t want our friendship to end. Which is really hard considering my anxiety and overthinking and I literally told you the mental state of my mind… it’s not even creating realistic evidence it’s just making things up. It’s so hard to think of the good things when all these bad things are piling up.
I just want things to go back to the way they were with him. I didn’t have to care about his replying speed because I would see him in class and everything would be ok because he was always a great friend.
He would always know whenever I was worried about things, and try to fix it. He would always mimic me just to annoy me. He would find a way to make me laugh and smile. We would fist bump each other whenever one of us did something fist bump worthy. He would do all these things… yet I forgot about all of them… because I was scared?
I was scared.
Do you know how many friendships I’ve lost since entering high school?
I was scared that I would lose him, that he would forget about me. I was scared that he would leave.
But I let my anxiety take over my mind and those fears became a reality. Does that even make sense? That the anxieties I feared only happened because of my anxiety…? Well, that sentence didn’t make any sense but…
My anxiety hasn’t been better the past few days… as you can see. But I never thought that it would mentally rip away a friendship.
How can I fix this?
I know he knows something’s wrong because after I dropped off my friend and saw him for the second time today (before my realization that he’s done nothing wrong) he didn’t say anything to me in the hallway. I mean I was looking at my phone and he was with a friend but he always used to say hi to me whenever he saw me in the hallway, but he just let me pass.
I’ve managed life without his friendship… I can live life without him in it, but I don’t want to. He’s the first person to have ever realized that there was something wrong with me and that I had anxiety and he’s the first person to care about my mental health.
What did I do.
Can I fix this…?