the nightmare.

Anxiety sucks.

I wonder how many times I’ve said that phrase in my lifetime.

Having anxiety is one thing, but suffering from it…

It’s like that little voice that scares you about little things… the voice some of you might be able to shut down.

Well, anxiety is when you can’t shut out that voice. The voice is incessant, continuous, and hard to convince.  It’s a nightmare.

There’s a huge difference in having a little anxiety and having an anxiety disorder.

Personally, when people tell me they have anxiety over something trivial I get a little bit pissed off. Because they don’t even know the half of it.

Having anxiety is hell.

For example, I was out sick on Friday so I didn’t go to school. So I had to give an attendance note to the school attendance office. And I did, yesterday. No worries right?

So so wrong.

Here I am, at home (it’s a snow day) literally burnt out of my brain. Because I’m stressing and worrying that that note somehow got burned or thrown away… which doesn’t make any sense. Because I literally personally handed that note to the office and watched them mark it as sick. But it’s been more than 24 hours and it’s still not in my grade book report on the computer. Nope, it’s still absent.

So what else do I do but worry?

I’m literally stressed out to the brink of an iceberg when I should be enjoying my day off. But, instead, I’m waiting for an email that says the grade book has been updated with my excused absence.

And the grade book usually updates every night. But the night has passed and it’s morning.

You might not think that this is that bad. But it’s bad for me. The worrying doesn’t stop. The thoughts don’t stop. It might go away for a few second but then it comes back even stronger.

This is the hell that anxiety is.

It’s like your worst nightmare come to life.

No matter how hard you try, it doesn’t go away.

Not in sleep, not when you’re doing activities, not when you’re talking to someone.

It just stays on your back or on your shoulders, slowly bringing you down with its’ weight. You can’t even try prying it off.

No matter what you do you can’t convince your mind that you’re in a safe zone.

No matter how hard you try.

I tried convincing my mind that maybe the grade book is taking a while to update. Or they just didn’t get to enter my note in the computer, but that doesn’t make sense because as soon as they got the note they would enter it so that idea is off the table. Maybe the note got lost underneath all the other notes. So, I guess whenever I go back to school I have to talk to the attendance office lady about it. That’s great just more anxiety to add to the table. Or maybe I could just forget the note and having an absent on my records isn’t such a bad thing, I mean I personally knew it was excused and that’s all that matters… right?

See how convincing my mind that “everything’s ok” turned out?

Yeah… it doesn’t work.

And little by little my mind just gets more tired and weaker. It sucks. The only thing I can do is pray to God and hope that everything will be okay and no matter what happens I’ll be able to handle it.

But, of course, with anxiety, I might not be able to handle it.

Or at least convince myself that I won’t be able to handle it.



3 thoughts on “the nightmare.

  1. L says:

    This sounds awful. I somewhat relate; although it’s never been medically identified, I all-too-often feel similarly to you, based on this post. I know it’s not the most useful of things, but if you need someone to talk to, I am always here, and ready to listen 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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