I’m not having a good day, sadly. My mind has been feeding me dark thoughts throughout this whole day, but those thoughts are nothing but the truth. Or at least I believe it’s nothing but the truth.
This isn’t intentionally because of people or any recent situation.
I was doing okay in the morning then things started to just… go downhill.
I thought about the winter season and I saw this Christmas tree in my mind and how the holidays used to be so happy. I didn’t even realize that the holidays went by so fast I didn’t even have the time to appreciate them. No that’s wrong. My holiday season was so crappy it wasn’t worth remembering. But that wasn’t the only crappy thing. My birthday was crappy. Last summer was crappy. My life is….?
It’s like I force myself to forget how my life actually is to forget the (I wish I could find a better word) crappiness.
My life is just being wasted and there’s nothing I can or am doing about it.
I’m missing all these opportunities because of who I am. My life is just meant to be or at least feel useless. And the only reason I’ve made it through those “crappy” instances was because I kept my hope for a happier future. But now that future just seems hopeless. Will it ever happen?
The only reason I’m still here is hope but what if the hope that I have just turns out to be useless.
Will my life always be like this?
Is there a certain reason as to why I’m here?
Will I be able to live a life worth remembering? Or will doors and opportunities keep shutting on me?
Will I ever be happy?
I just want to be happy but that can never happen.