I don’t know what I should be more excited about: The fact that I’m done with the 30 hours of classroom education of driving school (which is why I’ve kind of been inactive for the past 2 weeks) or the fact that it’s finally spring break!!!
I think I’m more excited about the second one, as you might be able to tell from the bold.
So this is kind of a life update, not just a week update. Because of driving school AND school, I haven’t been able to catch up with you guys or myself. How’s everyone been?
So driving school was a lot of work. I had to come home from school, do homework for the 3 hours I have, before going to driving school and coming home at 9. The first week (which was last week) was really tiring because it was the second to last week before spring break so of course, teachers were cramming in tests, quizzes, and essays. Not only because of the nearing spring break but also because the end of the third quarter was coming too.
As of this morning, my grades are actually pretty good, but I’m glad the grade book is closing up. Because, I kid you not, all of my grades are either B’s close to A’s (which frustrates me) or A’s close to B’s (which gives me anxiety, hoping that my teachers aren’t done entering work in). Imagine seeing an 89.0% (B grade)and literally, all you need to get an A is an extra .7% to make it an 89.7% this grading system/school system really pisses me off, but that’s for another post in the near future.
The second week of driving school, I just wanted to get out of there. The teacher noticed I didn’t talk much (thank you social anxiety) so he called me out about it during class and said he would take off participation points (which he can’t do) so that made me feel horrible. But he didn’t mention it again and just let me be so that was okay. But honestly, I’m glad it’s all over. I just need my 6 hours of instructional driving.
In piano class, I had a recital that I was in no way prepared for because I didn’t know what to play. I’ve been learning “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri but I didn’t learn the whole 7-page song so I thought I would just do a song out of our piano book. But of course, I didn’t learn the book page piece until the day of the recital. Weirdly, I wasn’t anxious about my piano recital the night before, just the moment of it actually happening. So other students went to play their recital before me, and they played half of their songs, so I thought why not do “A Thousand Years?” I mean I’ve memorized the whole first part because I’ve been working on it since maybe November. Of course, my teacher called on me and it was like a minute before the bell rang. Well, my heart was pounding, but, I don’t know, the minute my fingers touched the piano and the sound came out it was like all the anxiety kind of faded away and it was just me and the music. I messed up my last note, but who doesn’t make mistakes here and there?
I went to a college fair as a high school field trip. This was my first field trip since 8th grade lol. It was kind of stressful. If anyone doesn’t know, a college fair is a place where students go to meet 100+ colleges with their booths set up in a reception hall or building. Well, there were 300+ colleges at this fair and there were so many buildings. The guide said there were 3 buildings but it felt like there were 10. (If you think 10 is an exaggeration I was about to say 20) Plus schools from all around the county came, so that’s 20+ schools. And you know what the worst part of it was? We only had 90 minutes. Plus we had to go in this alone. Well not alone alone, I was with my best friend. At first, we were both lost. Lol we actually walked out of one building and then walked into the same building but from a different side. But honestly, having her by my side gave me sanity and she made sure I got to go to the booths that interested me. If she wasn’t there I would just be hiding in a bathroom somewhere. I wish I had more time but I think I got enough brochures from colleges and settled on going to a college close to home or close to my state.
The day before the college fair, my friend literally saved me. I was stressed because I just had a meeting with my counselor about college. And there are SO MANY THINGS you have to do before applying. I mean it’s not just the SAT and a recommendation letter. So my friend helped me narrow down what I should be based on what I want to be and she gave me this website (lol she said that applying for the website was my homework) which will help me narrow down my choices and see where I should go.
Phoenix. I haven’t really been talking about him much. Well, not as much as I used to. I used to give weekly updates on everything going with him. Well, trust me, things are still very much complicated. He’s become a better texter time-wise. Last Sunday, he replied more than 5 times, on. the. same. day. So that helps my feelings. Then this past Monday, he saw me on the staircase at school and he tells me that he wants to hang out with me over Spring Break and we should text each other about it. I don’t really think it’s going to happen because I am still a girl with Indian parents. But, I mean, he really wants to hang out with me? And then he tells me little things while texting me that just make my heart want to explode. He’s doing something to me, I don’t know.
So, while texting, he said that our small interactions (because we barely see each other face-to-face, but sometimes we see each other for a few seconds) make his day. And he likes seeing me and teasing me. I told him that if it makes his day then mission accomplished and I like seeing him too. The teasing could be minimized though but I still like it. Then he tells me that he knew I liked the teasing and I told him I just said that so I wouldn’t sound too mean. And then he said your smile tells me otherwise. I don’t know it’s just things like that…. and then the fact that even though we barely see each other he doesn’t let go like everyone else so easily does. He actually tries in our friendship. I don’t want to ruin a great friendship.
But I mean he’s perfect. He’s perfect for a girl with anxiety. He told me that he doesn’t like parties. We were planning to go to a school play together but he couldn’t go, and he texted me saying that instead of going to the school play we should’ve gone somewhere where we could watch the beautiful sunset. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Life really isn’t giving me a break. At least give me someone I can d.i.s.a.g.r.e.e. with. Then I told him that my dream one day is to just get away from the city and the people and the loudness and just look up at all the stars and their beauty, how I’ve never seen but a handful of stars and I wanna change that. And you know what he said?? Please, guess. I’ll give you a second.
Did you try? Please at least give it a try?
Ok, I won’t push you anymore. He said finally something great about you (he jokes around with me a lot don’t take this part seriously) that should be our goal for the summer or before the semester ends. We should make it happen. Yep. Yep. Yep. Of course, now it’ll be so easy to convince myself that we’re just friends (catch the sarcasm?) It’s like this past week I’ve just fallen deeper. Literally, the moment after I said I want to move. on. Hello Life, are you listening?
I don’t want to fall deeper. At least I don’t think I want to. I mean yes, he’s a great guy. He says so many sweet things. But he also friend zones me a lot. And I don’t know how much I can read between the lines before I just sdklfjlsdkf (that was me blowing up). And honestly, liking him isn’t good for me. It gives me so much anxiety. Plus, I hate some random girl I don’t even know just because she’s his ex-girlfriend and best friend. What is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was so absorbed in this nature of jealousy. I don’t know anything about this girl to hate her, apart from the fact that she was in my biology class last year for one semester, but I didn’t even pay that much attention to her (because if I did it would be weird, she was just another high school classmate) so I can’t even say she’s a bad person. Because she’s not. Yes, it hurts seeing them together but that doesn’t mean I have to hate this girl- which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months. And I hate hating people. I don’t want to hate her just because of my heart.
I just want to focus on myself. I need to. I need to think about who I want to be where I want to go in life. For one second I need to think of my well-being instead of worrying about what others think about me. I need to make sure I feel loved by myself and I’m proud of my own achievements.
This is why I’m excited about spring break. I’m just so ready for a break. I’m ready to destress for a little bit and take care of myself. Today itself, I took a nice shower and painted my nails and watched a movie. That might not seem like much, but it was a lot for me. I took care of myself. I did what makes me happy. I could forget about my worries for a second, and I think that’s all that matters right now.
One Time by Marian Hill
I’m so obsessed with Marian Hill. Their music is different from anything I usually listen to, which is why I love it. I first hear about them when they did a song with Lauren Jauregui, from my favorite band. Then I just started listening to that song on youtube in piano class and the autoplay thing on youtube was on and I was too lazy to stop it so I just listened to their music. One of the best decisions I’ve made. If you like this song, you should stream their whole album on Spotify, it gives you chills.
TRNDSTTR by Black Coast (Lucian Remix)
Hope you enjoy, have a great weekend everyone!