So I don’t know if you read my post yesterday or not, but if you did you might have figured out that I wasn’t doing so good.
I went down on my rollercoaster.
I went into my hole of darkness.
And I didn’t want to talk about it in my blog post yesterday, so I wrote a couple of vague sentences.
What led to the darkness was pretty much the same concept as every other time. Something wrecking happened and then my mind added onto that one bad thing with other crappy points in my life and suddenly I was crying about multiple things in my life instead of the one thing that happened.
This morning I wasn’t doing any better, I barely talked to my family I felt disconnected when texting my friends. I felt empty. I tried watching a movie to get into the relaxation spirit because today was the first day of my spring break week, but I just had to be broken on the first day.
It was like I was in the middle of nothing. It kinda still feels like that.
I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t find a reason to be.
Then my friend texted me that we should go to the park. I was hesitant at first, but then I was like ok this is going to make me happy I should go.
But, of course, my friend said nevermind because she had to read her book for school.
So things went from crap to crappier.
And I honestly didn’t know what to do.
I tried watching another movie. I tried listening to music. I tried writing a song. I tried, but I still felt empty.
Then I remembered, I have a texting hotline number saved in my phone. Basically, a place where you can text a counselor about your problems.
I don’t remember how I got the number but thank goodness I kept it for a time like this. I’ve never contacted the hotline before this so this was my first time. I wasn’t really expecting some big remedy for my darkness. But honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.
But talking/texting the counselor made me feel less alone. She made sure I wasn’t thinking of suicide (which is something I could never see myself doing). Then she broke a few layers off of me and I told her a little bit about my situation and how I’m feeling. Then she asked me what I like to do.
Then she said I should go outside in nature. And I told her my parents won’t even let me walk a block alone (yes I used those exact words lol). So she told me I should sit outside and listen to music.
So I pulled up a chair and sat outside with my phone and earphones. Then she told me while I’m sitting outside I could do some songwriting. Huh. I never thought of that.
I tried it.
I don’t know what happened. At first, I was doubtful. Of course, I was.
But I don’t know being out there just in the beauty of nature with my music in my ears- it felt peaceful and okay. I was so focused on writing I couldn’t even listen to my thoughts. Whenever the wind picked up and blew my ponytail around it was like I was floating carelessly and peacefully with it.
I wrote one complete song and 2 half songs. This morning when I tried songwriting I finished one song but I didn’t really feel anything after finishing the song. But when I was outside (in the afternoon) and I wrote 1 and 2 one-and-a-half songs it felt like something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt complete.
And I felt okay.
Then after I finished songwriting I got some flowers from my backyard that were really beautiful and I took some pictures. And with the flowers I created this:
The picture really doesn’t give it enough justice. I just wanted to create a reminder of today.
I’m not exactly 100% okay but I don’t feel this overwhelming emptiness in my soul like I felt before. Before I felt like there was no use in trying anymore in life. But I still tried. I wanted help. So I told someone.
You know what the counselor said about me? She told me that I was brave enough to come forward for help. I’ve never seen myself as brave. But I’m happy I wanted to do something about that emptiness.
The overbearing scent of nature that stuck on me until I took a shower was 110% worth it.