Boy Rant: What’s Wrong?

One thing that I really like about my friendship with Phoenix is that he actually tries. We barely see each other but he makes sure to keep our text conversation going on snapchat. I mean I don’t think I’m currently talking to any friends who don’t have the same classes with me except him (and my best friends).

Phoenix kinda has a way of proving my anxiety and overthinking wrong. For example, when he leaves my messages on open and my mind is already considering 10039349 reasons as to why he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore, he proves those reasons wrong by replying to those messages a few hours later.

On Monday morning when I was having one of my bad days, he texted me. I opened his message and I didn’t really know what to say. I usually reply to him in these long paragraphs, but this time I didn’t really have anything to say because I was really depressed. So I tried replying to his messages as best as I could but my long paragraphs were cut short.

A part of me wanted him to suspect that there was something wrong. But of course, why would he suspect something’s wrong? He can’t read my mind. I thought that him suspecting that something was wrong was just another one of my heart’s ridiculous scenarios.

Turns out my heart’s ridiculous scenarios… actually turned out to be right.

He replied to my messages with, “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

When I read that I freaked out and dropped my phone. Literally. Was I in one of my out of this world scenarios? No… I don’t think so. Everything felt pretty real.

He asked it. He wasn’t actually supposed to ask it. My bizarre “What if” scenario wasn’t actually supposed to happen. It was supposed to be just that… a made-up scenario.

He actually could tell that something was wrong.

Well of course me, being the curious and hard to let in person I am, had to reply to him with a simple, “Why do you ask that?”

He said that he was wondering and again asked me what’s wrong. I told him that everything is good and nothing’s wrong.

It was a half-lie because at this point in the conversation I was feeling better and nothing was wrong. 

Honestly? I didn’t want to open up to him.

Because I knew that once I opened up to him I would then depend on him and I couldn’t depend on him. Especially whenever I crawl into my hole of darkness. He’s not going to always be there for me. He has a life and the last thing he needs is to burden my problems. He doesn’t need me coming to him about my problems. One day, he’s just going to leave- like everyone else. I especially can’t tell him if the only reason I’m telling him is because I have feelings for him.

So when he asked me if I’m sure that I’m good I told him that I am sure. And then, even through all my thinking, overthinking, and the above feelings… of course, I told him that something was wrong that Monday morning but I’m good now (it’s Wednesday now). But I didn’t go into detail.

He didn’t push. I thought he would push to know the details, but he didn’t. I didn’t want him to push. He just said he had to make sure I was okay and that I know that he cares.

He said he’ll always be there for me and more things that don’t help with my feelings.

Something I’ve figured out about myself is that I don’t like opening up to people. I kind of already knew that for a long, long time. I always thought it was because I didn’t want to bother people. That’s half of the reason. 

The other half is that I don’t like being too serious about things. If you found that kind of shocking, I found it kind of shocking too. Because I mean here and there I’m kind of serious and deep on my blog. I mean I talk about my darkness and my thoughts. I am mostly serious on these blog posts (except a few jokes and lol’s here and there). Maybe it’s easier because I’m not only Rebecca on this blog, but I’m also hopelesslystrong (Does that make sense?) It’s like I’m the person my words and inner thoughts convey me to be.

But I absolutely hate being serious to people. I mean take this for an example: I can talk about my feelings for Phoenix all I want on this blog, but when he got brought up in a conversation with my chemistry friend (Who I told about Phoenix only because I 100% trust her) it got really awkward and I realized I definitely CANNOT talk about my feelings face-to-face with someone. I mean it just felt weird and again, awkward.

It’s just easier to say serious things on here and it’s comfortable. But I hate being serious to people I know. So when Phoenix asked me these questions I just wanted us to go back to our regular conversations of joking around. I’ve never had a friend like him. I mean I have friends who care about me and want to know what’s wrong, but none of them have ever suspected something was wrong. I always have to come to my friends telling them something is wrong. But he’s different. This is the same way he figured out I had anxiety. He figured it out. While I had to tell my friends (the ones who know that I have anxiety) that I have anxiety.

I even told him all this- that I don’t like being serious and I don’t really open up to people.

Now there’s something wrong. I’m growing comfortable with him. And I don’t know if it’s a bad thing or good thing.

There was a guy I liked who I was trying to move on from before I got to know Phoenix. And I knew what was bad and what was good. But he was different, he was the complete opposite of Phoenix. Like my perceptions of who I wanted this guy to be is exactly what Phoenix is. So I’m a little confused here.

I have no idea where this will lead and that kind of unsettles me. But it would be boring if I knew how this was going to end. But I don’t know.

I mean caring about me like the way he does… I don’t know. I’ve never had a guy like him who I can trust and joke with at the same time.

I don’t know if I should fall for him or if I should just stay friends with him- I don’t know what’s a bad decision or good decision anymore.

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