giving up

I don’t think that I can do this anymore.

Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

My emotions are like a fucking roller coaster, one minute I’m up and the next I’m down.

So what’s the point?

What’s the point in trying so hard for happiness, if it’s not in your favor?

I put so much of my strength in hope, and it only ruined me.

I keep hoping for this bright and amazing future. What if my future is just more crap? Ever since I’ve started hoping my life has only been crap.

I can’t keep pretending and fooling myself into thinking that I’m ok and I’m “good.” Because I’m not good.

I’m only lying to myself if I do say I’m good.

I tried going to one of my friends for help, but they have a life. I can’t bother people with lives about my sad life. It’s not their burden to carry.

Honestly, I’m not here because of hope or some great miracle. I’m here because I’m too weak to take my own life.

I keep telling myself, telling my body, to keep going because of stupid hope.

But I’m in too much pain and it hurts every day.

I would never want to be selfish and I know that there are people who care about me. But is it worth it?

What have people done to let me stay? Constantly letting me down, breaking promises, and hurting my feelings. You know the only friends that I talk to are on snapchat and I’m pretty sure all of them (except 1) are only talking to me because they want to keep that stupid streak number going.

Isn’t that comforting?

I barely have a life. Do you know that for the majority of spring break I was in this damn house hoping for a little freedom but never getting it? While I had to watch my other friends have a life.

There’s nothing I want more than to tell someone that I’m suffering, but what happens after they “fix” me? Wouldn’t they just leave again?

I have to stop fooling myself thinking that there’s going to be happiness at the end of this roller coaster. In my life, I have never been happy for more than 2 days. How do I fool myself that there’s happiness waiting for me in the future? I’m meant to be sad all my life, I’m meant to suffer through the pain. I’m not meant for this world.

I’m not strong enough to keep pretending that I’m ok. I’m not strong enough to stick around so I don’t hurt the people I love. I’m not strong enough to “roll with the punches.” I’m not strong enough to see what this life has waiting for me.

I’m not strong enough.

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17 thoughts on “giving up

  1. I’m sorry that you feel down right now. Don’t be hard on yourself though, lovely:) Sometimes I feel that we have to accept sadness and pain for a little while before it goes away- we shouldn’t beat ourselves up about it. Happiness will come in its own time, as long as that time may be. You aren’t fooling yourself, and you have courage. Even if you don’t believe in yourself right now, we believe in you. Go do something you love, because you deserve the best, and you should know that. ❤️ I’m rooting for you, love from C

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey. I’m not gonna say it’s gonna be okay bec let’s face it, it maybe not. I jut hope you feel better. It’s okay not to feel okay today or even tomorrow, or for other days. As long as you acknowledge that you can be better, you’re good. These feelings are all part of life. I feel them a lot of days too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. | a s h | says:

    OK, now listen to me carefully. Happiness is DEFINITELY not in anyone’s favor because life is not what we’re given, it’s what we make it, so how you define your circumstances is how happiness treats you.
    If you keep on hoping, there’s always going to be someone with stronger hopes to shatter yours. What you need to do is believe.
    In yourself. In the present.
    If you surround yourself with negativity and let it inside you then you’re obviously going to feel negative, remember a boat only sinks when it lets water inside.
    I know life is not easy. But we can certainly do our part to make it.
    Every time I see a post of yours where you feel like giving up or for that matter anyone, I break a little inside.
    Please believe in good, believe in the better and most importantly believe in yourself.
    There are people supporting you and though there won’t be many of us, we are indeed trying to keep you strong. And yes we are worth it and so are you and so is your life.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I loved reading this. It made me feel so much better 🙂 thank you for all you’ve said. I’m going to keep going even if my mind wants to give up. I’m going to try to believe in myself I promise ❤︎

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, so, I don’t know you very well, but this post really spoke to me. I can understand how you feel; not having a life, not wanting to burden others with your emotions, feeling weak. But I don’t think that its necessarily bad to be “weak”, to take things to heart and feel more negative emotions, as long as you get up from the lows. Trust me I know the lows are bad but you really aren’t burdening anyone talking about how you feel because a good friend will want to be there for you. I’m here for you too. I hope this comment made sense x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are strong enough. You are. Trust me, you just have to convince yourself. Happiness…happiness doesn’t come easy. We have to accept and fight though the pain and the sadness to get to the good things in life, the happiness in life. It will come. I know you don’t believe in yourself right now, but we all believe in you and we’re all rooting for you. All your friends and family are rooting for you. Hang in there ok? It’ll get better, it will be better xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey, I don’t really know you but this post made me wanna comment here. Please don’t give up. All of us have bad days.. Sometimes they give way to bad weeks months years, sometimes it feels like it’s a bad life, but believe me it’s just a bad time, not a bad life, it’ll pass.
    Trust your friends, they will alwsys want the best for you. If you don’t go to them when you need them, then what’s the point of friendship?
    Throw the negativity out of your life, never believe you’re not strong enough. You can keep on going long after you think you can’t.
    Hope you feel better soon 🙂
    Please take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t know how to start this, but I just want to tell you that it WILL be okay. PLEASE don’t give up. Myself and many others have felt this way before but you just need to keep on going. Life may seem unfair, but then again nobody every said it should be ‘fair’.
    Happiness is not something that is given to you. It’s something you find. You can find happiness anywhere, through a hobby or passion, through nature, through love, through friendship.
    I know it may seem like your friends don’t care but trust me, they do. They probably don’t understand how you feel, and if they do then they don’t know how to help you.
    Remember: it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. Even if you think you’ve never been happy, you may want to think again. When you were little, did your parent’s hugs make you happy? If so, hug them just now to show them you care, and they will show you that they care.
    Or if cooking, or football, or writing, makes you happy, then go do that. Even just a small amount of happiness will give you the courage and strength to keep going and push through the bad times.
    The most important thing is: don’t ‘hope’ for happiness. Don’t ‘hope’ for a good life. Believe.
    If you BELIEVE things will get better, then they will. Have faith, and soon you will start to see things change for the better.
    And if you ever feel down, just remember: if you truly feel that you are at rock bottom, then things can only go up from here.
    Stay strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

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