I don’t think that I can do this anymore.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
My emotions are like a fucking roller coaster, one minute I’m up and the next I’m down.
So what’s the point?
What’s the point in trying so hard for happiness, if it’s not in your favor?
I put so much of my strength in hope, and it only ruined me.
I keep hoping for this bright and amazing future. What if my future is just more crap? Ever since I’ve started hoping my life has only been crap.
I can’t keep pretending and fooling myself into thinking that I’m ok and I’m “good.” Because I’m not good.
I’m only lying to myself if I do say I’m good.
I tried going to one of my friends for help, but they have a life. I can’t bother people with lives about my sad life. It’s not their burden to carry.
Honestly, I’m not here because of hope or some great miracle. I’m here because I’m too weak to take my own life.
I keep telling myself, telling my body, to keep going because of stupid hope.
But I’m in too much pain and it hurts every day.
I would never want to be selfish and I know that there are people who care about me. But is it worth it?
What have people done to let me stay? Constantly letting me down, breaking promises, and hurting my feelings. You know the only friends that I talk to are on snapchat and I’m pretty sure all of them (except 1) are only talking to me because they want to keep that stupid streak number going.
Isn’t that comforting?
I barely have a life. Do you know that for the majority of spring break I was in this damn house hoping for a little freedom but never getting it? While I had to watch my other friends have a life.
There’s nothing I want more than to tell someone that I’m suffering, but what happens after they “fix” me? Wouldn’t they just leave again?
I have to stop fooling myself thinking that there’s going to be happiness at the end of this roller coaster. In my life, I have never been happy for more than 2 days. How do I fool myself that there’s happiness waiting for me in the future? I’m meant to be sad all my life, I’m meant to suffer through the pain. I’m not meant for this world.
I’m not strong enough to keep pretending that I’m ok. I’m not strong enough to stick around so I don’t hurt the people I love. I’m not strong enough to “roll with the punches.” I’m not strong enough to see what this life has waiting for me.
I’m not strong enough.