Have you ever wished you could take back something? That you could go back to the past and undo actions that turned out to be hell? Well if you have, hop in because we’re in the same boat and that’s exactly what I’m going to talk about.
This is my disclaimer to you because this is a long and complicated rant, so buckle in if you’re ready to hear how opening up to a guy turned out.
You guys know Phoenix right? No? You’re new? Well in summary: he’s the guy I like and my friend who I text daily.
If you’re not new, you might’ve responded with: “He’s the guy who cares about you so much, I like him- he’s a keeper!” Well… now I’m not sure about that.
So if you read the last post I did which involved Phoenix (Boy Rant: What’s Wrong) everything was going fine. It was actually good. I guess this was life’s cue to turn everything into crap.
I thought he cared. I thought he was different. I thought I could open up to him.
Urgh, I’m getting carried away with the end of the story.
So, the days before Friday we kind of just had a conversation about him asking me what’s wrong and me being vague about it not wanting to talk about it/not wanting to open up to him. And I thought that everything was going to be okay. We were back to our regular conversation of long paragraphs and jokes. But of course, I just had to ruin it.
On Friday, I felt horrible and depressed, for reasons that I already shared. I wanted to talk to someone. I thought of talking to the texting hotline I contacted that previous Monday, but I thought that it would be too sudden considering that I talked to them just 4 days ago (I should have). I didn’t have any friends to go to (Or I thought I didn’t).
Then I remembered that Phoenix was there. He told me that if I’m ready to open up he’ll be there.
So I did.
I didn’t care about my anxiety. I didn’t care about anything really because I was too sad to care about anything.
So I texted him (on snapchat) about all my thoughts and feelings (not how I feel about him). I said something along the lines of: Explanations of why I don’t want to bother you, this is why I don’t want to open up to you, why I’m sad, why life sucks for me… other stuff I can’t remember. I ended up sending 3 full page messages to him. I poured my mind and my heart (not the part that likes him) to him.
On a Friday Night.
I didn’t feel all “that” anxious sending him that message not only because I was too sad to care, but also because he told me that he would be there when I was ready to open up to him. So what was there to feel completely
(because of course, I still have anxiety) anxious about?
Turns out, I should’ve been overwhelmingly anxious about it and thought twice about sending that message.
Saturday morning, I felt even worse. Not because of him, but because of my sadness. I went to church and I felt like crap. I kept annoyingly looking at my phone to see if Phoenix texted me, to see if he could help me from digging myself into a deeper hole.
He didn’t text me but I see that he did post something on his story. I didn’t completely look at it, but it was a picture of one of his friends. And I knew in that moment- that I messed everything up. The one major reason that I didn’t want to be open with him (that I actually TOLD him in the message) is because he. has. a. fucking. life.
He has friends, family, a passion. He has a life. And what did the broken girl do? She had to burden him with her problems.
So I did the only thing I could do to pause my life. I turned off my phone. Not only because of him but because of everything. I just wanted the anxiety of him, everything concerning him to be turned off for a while. I wanted to isolate myself from my friends for a while. I wanted to stop worrying and overthinking because it really wasn’t helping that I was already feeling crappy about life. I just wanted that dumb phone to be turned off.
That Saturday afternoon turned out to be one of the worst in my life, I don’t want to revisit it.
Saturday afternoon becomes night and I figure I should turn my phone back on because curiosity is a disease.
I see that some of my friends sent me snapchats, but of course, the only conversation I worry about is the one where I carelessly talked about my thoughts to someone I met only a few months ago. I checked it and what do I see?
Opened at 11:25 A.M.
(Not sure about the 25, just emphasizing a point) He opened my message that Saturday morning. The time I felt the worst about myself. The time I needed someone to care a little bit.
And the one person I reached out to didn’t even care. Is opening a vulnerable text message and just ignoring it considered as caring?
I waited. Because sometimes he opens my messages, saves them, and responds later. But I was too scared to check if he saved them.
I thought that he would reply on Sunday. Nothing.
I was a mess considering the whole thing. I couldn’t believe I actually did what I did. I thought maybe if I slept enough it could be a dream. Maybe if I didn’t check my phone too much he’ll respond.
I thought that he would reply on Monday. Nothing.
I felt even worse but I was going to go over to my best friend’s house to hang out so my day wasn’t complete crap because of my thoughts. It actually helped me from overthinking too much. When I got to her house my phone was dying and I kind of wanted it to die because then I wouldn’t obsess over that dumb notification, hoping that everytime I see it, it’s him.
When I got home that night, I went to bed right away only picking up my phone to charge it the night before the first day of school after spring break.
Tuesday morning. 6 o’clock. Back to the same tired and groggy school routine. I check my notifications and I don’t see his name until I open the app and see that he did, in fact, text me.
He texted me the night before school started. That previous Monday night. I texted him that dumb message of my thoughts on a Friday night. He only texted me because school would be the next day and he knew that he would see me.
We don’t have any classes together but I always pick my friend up after first period, and Phoenix has the same first period as her so I always see him. But, of course, I already thought of a way to not see him.
Because how could I?
I was literally drowning that weekend and I reached out to him, and all I got was radio silence, or water in my lungs if this is a metaphor. I knew that once I saw him in person I would immediately forgive him, but I can’t do that to myself. I can’t just forgive him because he’s him.
So I texted the friend that I pick up and
told her lied to her that I had to stay a while in my first period class and that she should just go to class because I don’t want to make her late. She told me that she was really sad that she didn’t see me. I was sad too, I wish I didn’t have to do that. I felt so so bad.
Of course, I never opened Phoenix’s message because:
A. He deserves it, I am a girl and I’m allowed to be a bit petty lol and B. I was scared.
Whenever I thought of his awaiting message I thought of all I’ve said to him. And my anxiety came crashing in each time I did that. I sent him an essay basically and all he did was toss it aside like a piece of trash or disregard it like a homework assignment.
So I talked to some of my friends about it.
One of my freshmen friends who doesn’t know him told me that I can never open up to a guy. And I try explaining to her that he’s different, but in that moment I couldn’t think of anything to differentiate him from every other jerk-y guy.
I talked to the friend that I was supposed to pick up after first period about it and I asked her if maybe she could pick me up instead of the other way around. And she agreed, she didn’t even question it at first. After explaining to her which hallway my class was in, she then asked why. I told her it was because of him, who she knows because they have the same first period (I hope you’re able to understand these details ahh).
She’s not really his friend. I was kind of hesitant about telling this friend because I thought that she would tell him because when all three of us had the same class together last semester she loved to tease me about our friendship and how it’s something more. Even though I never told this friend I like him lol she just made fun of the fact that Phoenix was my friend. So I asked her not to tell him what I said and she said she wouldn’t and she doesn’t even talk to him.
It’s Tuesday night and I still have an awaiting message from him that I never opened. Even though he took 3 days to reply to me, doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to do the same to him. I felt bad for not responding in 12 hours. But I really didn’t want to open that message without someone. It was also easy to disregard the message this day because I was watching some movies at my friend’s house.
The message is still there. I know, I know. I should just open it. But I can’t. What if I’m not prepared for what he would say?
It’s fifth period and my only in-school friend who knows that I like him is in this class. I thought about telling her about it, and also thought about the repercussions. But I mean how bad could it be talking to her about it?
So I tell her about the whole “What’s wrong” thing and she says “Aww” at first, but then I keep going with the story. And at the end oof the story, which is him opening the message and not responding until days later, she doesn’t know what to say. She tried telling me that I did nothing wrong.
But. why. do. I. feel. like. I. did?
Like it was my fault for opening up to him, even though he said I’ll be here when you’re ready to open up.
Then she asks me what his message said and I tell her I haven’t opened it.
Now you should know this about my friend, she’s very chill about things and she doesn’t like overthinking something too long. For example, yesterday she went on a field trip and the bus broke down and all her classmates were complaining about being late and other stuff and she was just like “Oh well, it’s not like the world’s ending.” She doesn’t like keeping her mind set on one problem, which is something I absolutely admire about her. But, of course, I’m an overthinker. She doesn’t even overthink about guys, especially about the guy she likes, she knows that she doesn’t have a chance with a guy but she’s perfectly o.k.a.y. with it.
Now that you know this, it makes sense that my friend wants me to simply open the message and see what it says. I tell her I can’t, I’m not chill like her. So she tells me she’ll read it for me. Minutes pass by as we try to listen to our teacher and she has some stories to personally share, her life is always interesting lol.
Then I open the message because being near her just made me create this mindset, “Let me just get it over with,” lol. So I slowly open up the message, and what do I see?
What was I constantly worrying about? What was I scared and anxious to open?
A dumb screenshot. He sent me a fucking screenshot.
I don’t know how many of you have snapchat, after this I’m thinking of deleting it, but you can watch these videos/articles (they call it stories) from like magazine brands like People or radio networks like iHeartRadio. It’s basically an electronic version of a magazine. And he sent me one of those stories and on it said: “You’re putting on chapstick wrong.”
You’re. putting. on. chapstick. wrong.
I was racking my brain worrying over how vulnerable I was and how he would respond and he sends me a fucking magazine article about putting my chapstick on wrong.
I hate cursing, I only do it when I’m mad. But why wouldn’t I be mad?
Wouldn’t you be mad?
If you opened up to someone you’re scared to open up to, you’re scared of what they say… but they just throw it aside like a used tissue, as if nothing ever happened.
I mean really, what happened?
I know I don’t know his side of the story. But I can’t just convince myself or lie to my heart that me opening up to him never happened- like he is supposedly doing. I mean it happened. As much as I want to sleep it untrue, it happened. But he’s acting as if I didn’t just send him a whole essay on my dark thoughts.
Did it really mean nothing to him that I was opening up a broken piece of myself? Did he just read the message and think “Nah, I don’t want to get caught up in this bullshit.”
I don’t know. I don’t know what he thought. But either way, it hurts. I don’t care what I’ve said in the past about him caring because as of right now, he doesn’t. As of right now, I want to hurt about this and be pissed at him even though he doesn’t know I’m pissed at him.
I want to be pissed at the one guy who seems indefinitely perfect in a world full of jerks. Makes it easier for me, huh?
Back to the story, my chill friend was going to respond to him with “No response to my rant?” but I didn’t want her to send that to him. So instead she wrote, “Mmmkay that’s nice.” Even though I wanted to say worse things or nothing at all.
And I don’t know why, but I thought I would get a response to that mmkay message. I didn’t. He just opened my message (this afternoon). I don’t really care about him just opening the mmkay message, it was nothing.
But when I saw that “opened” it felt different. I always had a feeling whenever he left my messages on open that he would later reply. But I have a feeling that he’s not going to reply to this one. Or reply at all…
I’m not just mad, I’m heartbroken. I was thinking of being blunt with him about it and just talking to him, but of course, he updated his snapchat story. For those who might not know a snapchat story is for all your friends to see, not just one person. I thought I should watch what he says before making another risky decision. Basically, the story was him talking about some soccer player.
Nothing, right? No.
This is his passion. His life. The last thing he needs is a girl asking him why he did the heartbreaking thing that he did. He doesn’t need burdens. He doesn’t need drama.
He doesn’t need me.
Look at what I did. I fell. Did I only open up to him because I like him? Because I thought maybe what he had to say would fix me? I don’t know. Maybe. I thought that maybe he actually cared like he always told me he did. Maybe I was falling too hard and I needed to catch myself before it got too severe. Too late.
Maybe I just wanted someone to be there for me and I thought him saying that he’ll be there for me to open up is the reason he was put in my life because of course, I have to believe in the dumb “things happen for a reason” philosophy. Maybe he’s a special friend, that’s why he’s still my friend and hasn’t left (don’t speak too soon). I just wanted to talk to someone, I just needed to get things off my chest.
So I ran to the person who told me he cared, but he doesn’t.
He just acted as if nothing happened.
Maybe you’ll tell me I should talk to him about it. But how can I? Imagine if you did the same thing:
Being vulnerable once was something, but twice?
I wish I could be my chill friend and be like “It’s not that deep,” but it is for me, and I don’t know how to change that.
Phoenix intentionally hurt me. He’s unintentionally hurt me when he was always with his ex-girlfriend. But this time, he did it on purpose.
And it hurts. So. Much.
I told him in my dumb, vulnerable message that I would understand if he left once he read that message- but I don’t understand.
I know now. Opening up to him was a bad decision. A bad decision I can never take back.
And the worst part is, that if he reaches out to me, I’ll just forgive him as if him hurting me was nothing. But I can’t keep repeatedly hurting myself. I can’t keep giving myself scars because I want to keep this guy in my life.
It’s hard enough trying to avoid seeing him in the hallways considering that my heart really wants to see him. But I can’t. I don’t want to do that to myself. I’m here heartbroken, while he’s there unfazed. I care so much about him, I even feel bad for wanting to share my feelings with him. But he…
This is what happened when I opened up to a guy.
When he told me he cared… Why did I believe him?