Have you ever heard that song from OneRepublic, “Counting Stars?” Well, it popped up in my Spotify today and it had this one line: “Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.”
Well, how does that make sense?
How do things that kill you make you feel alive?
And then I thought about yesterday.
So, yesterday… My heart broke for reasons that I’m not too comfortable with sharing yet. But I will say that my heart broke over a person.
I got home from school and I burst a few tears, but only a few. Then I resorted to listening to sad music and doing my homework to not focus on the pain too much and get my mind off of it.
Then I heard this sad song, “Say Something” by A Great Big World. I know, I know, it’s kind of old and overplayed, but it’s such a meaningful song. And as of that moment, it connected so much with me. So much, that I cried.
Not only a few tears… but I actually cried. I bawled listening to the whole song with a runny nose and everything because the song fully explained what I was thinking and everything I was feeling. Have you ever listened to a song where every lyric seems to be as if it came from your heart? That was this song.
Usually, when I cry I like to dig myself into my hole of darkness and start thinking of ways as to why my life is crap and why this specific person (the one I was crying over) wouldn’t “say something.”
But I didn’t curse out my life or see a reason as to give up.
You want to know what I did when I cried?
I thanked God. Yeah, you read that right.
I was thankful that I was crying and that I was feeling emotion. No, I wasn’t shedding happy tears. I could literally feel my heart breaking piece by piece because everything with this specific person was a mess.
But I was thankful. I was thankful that I was feeling something. I was thankful that I was feeling sadness, a genuine human emotion. I was thankful for my tears and my snot-filled nose (sorry for the visual lol) because I was kind of glad that I was shedding tears.
Is that weird? I don’t really think it is.
Over these past few days, I’ve just shut the pain in and resorted to listening to my mind’s dark thoughts. But on this day, I cried. I didn’t want to act like everything was ok. I didn’t want to shut myself out (which is something I didn’t even realize I was doing). I wanted to let out what I was feeling. I wanted to cry to let out the sadness. I was/am heartbroken.
Everything (or everyone) that kills me makes me feel alive. No, I don’t wish to have that feeling again. But feelings like that, like this because that feeling is still prevalent, only make me grow and remind myself that I’m not always strong, but it’s ok because I’m only human.
I was once scrolling through Pinterest and I saw this quote that I loved so much that I think describes why I was thankful for my tears:
“No matter how broken my heart may feel, I will always be grateful that it still has a beat.”
Please don’t think I’m this person who is so strong and has everything figured out. I might say all of this and very much 100% mean it, but I still have baggage and have moments of weakness. I still break and I still feel like crap here and there. But I’m trying. I’m trying to find the light in my cracks.
It felt like crap (and it still feels like crap) to cry those tears and to feel the pain that the specific person caused me/causes me, but the tears made me feel alive… I don’t know how because here and there I still feel like a used rag, but it made me want to, I don’t know, keep going. Which doesn’t really make sense. But I just don’t want to let the pain of one person break me. I don’t want to give them the power or advantage of breaking me completely.
Emotions aren’t weak. They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.