I don’t like this feeling.
I don’t want to feel it.
And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.
I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”
Am I just taking things out of proportion?
Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.
I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.
I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.
I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.
But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.
Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.
I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.
Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.