As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.
I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.
But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.
And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.
Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other.
I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.
You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind.
The only texts I cared about was his.
The only smile I cared to see was his.
The only person I wanted to hug was him.
There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).
But it’s not only me who does this.
In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.
My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.
I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.
The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.
So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.
Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.
But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.
I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.
And I couldn’t control it.
And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.
When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.
Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.
She, again, pissed me off.
Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.
And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.
And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.
This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.
I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?
When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we, your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”
Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?
Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?
Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?
Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.
And I’m learning to accept that.
I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.
A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.
But I don’t want more… anymore.
I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.
I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.
I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”
I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.
Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.
And that’s the problem.
Society has toxified our minds.
Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.
But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?
And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?
What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?
We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.
Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.
It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.
It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.
Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.
Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.
Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.
There are some incredible people that are here for you.
Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.
We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.
Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?