my immigrant arm hair,
my curls/waves,
my nose,
what do all these things have in common?
they are parts of my body that I used to not be very fond of.
I wouldn’t say that I hated them,
they just weren’t my favorite feature.
Let’s start with my immigrant arm hair,
LOL that’s not the official name for it I don’t think, but yes I am a brown girl with A LOT of arm hair. You could probably see it from a mile away or something.
I was very insecure about my arm hair and also I have like slight knuckle hair that also grossed me out. It was horrible. I hated it about me especially during middle school because I think that’s when you notice all these things about you, about your body and also puberty, hey what’s up.
And it was something I didn’t like because I would look at the other girls in my class and NONE, (yes, a bold none) NO ONE had it as severe as I did. And even if someone had slight hair, it wasn’t as noticeable as mine. Even if someone did have arm hair, no one had knuckle hair like I did. Which was embarrassing. Can you imagine being the only brown skin girl with hair everywhere?!? It literally felt like everyone knew about this insecurity and commented it about me. Even though everyone probably had better things to do than to comment on my immigrant hair, but it was the only thing I could think about. I was different.
So when I started shaving… I didn’t only shave my legs.
Yep, that’s right. I shaved my arms. It was horrendous. And just so you know, no, no one thought to tell me that shaving caused the hair to grow more and also come back darker.
So I shaved every place I was insecure about, my arms, my knuckles, everywhere that was visible from my school uniform.
And I nicked myself.
Trust me, that isn’t the worst part.
I nicked myself and put bandages everywhere… and thought it was C O O L. nO ReBEccA why?!?
So I would walk into school with my short sleeved polo shirt. And I had like 3 bandages on my left arm and like 2 on my right arm……………………………………………..
Sorry I just took a pause to relieve that cringey memory.
Oh my gosh how could I possibly do that?
Because it was an insecurity. I had built up this insecurity in my head. Convinced myself that everyone was concerned with it and dealt with it… in the wrong way.
Now, let’s talk about my curls/waves.
My curly/wavy hair wasn’t something I hated. I just didn’t know really how to style it. Where my parents are from in India, it’s really common to have curly/wavy hair. But the way my family members took care of it wasn’t really how you should take care of curls. Because the accepted standard for hair (at least where I’m from) would have been nice, straight hair. Not curly ringlets that stick from your head and look like noodles. (Maggi noodles to be specific, if you’re brown, you’ll get what I mean)
So my family members would brush my hair when it wasn’t wet. Which is like a huge no for curly hair. It breaks the hair and also makes the hair have a weird blown out look that IS NOT cute.
So that was my look for most of elementary school and I didn’t like it. So when I got a hair straightener in 5th grade, you KNOW I used that thing religiously. I used it like every day since I got it. You can probably see any picture from 5th grade and you’ll see nothing but straight hair.
Oh and another thing.
I didn’t have heat protectant. (internally sighs)
Honestly, it’s hard to believe my hair isn’t shriveling at this point. Although, I had really bad split ends the first couple months of quarantine.
Like I said before, it’s not that I hated my real hair type. I just didn’t know how to style it. My dad also put the thought in me that if I didn’t immediately blow dry my hair after a shower, I would get sick. And I didn’t know until a couple of years ago that that fact was NOT true.
So in 7th grade, I don’t even know how it happened but I somehow found a way to wear my curls. I think it was because near the end of 6th grade, our class went to like an amusement park as a class trip and there were pools of course. My friends all saw my wet hair for once and they all commented how pretty my actual hair was and I was like “What really? Someone take a picture.” LOL idk how I didn’t know what my wet hair looked liked at that point in my life. But my friend’s mom took a picture and I realized my wet hair looked GOOD. Maybe my dry hair could also look this good?
So in 7th grade I somehow figured it out. I think that’s when I still blow dried my hair but I started braiding it afterwards and left it braided for 24 hours so that the heat I just applied didn’t mess up the curls.
And I somehow figured it out. I remember someone pointing it out to me and they asked me if it was my actual hair and they asked me what I did with it and I was like huh? How did I get it like this? Lol, but I have figured out my hair’s likes and dislikes. I’ve figured out what works best for me and hardly add any heat any more.
I’ve straightened it like 3 times in the past 10 months. But that’s partly due to quarantine.
But my hair, my real hair, has become my most favorite feature. I love my curls/waves a lot.
I think this was like a half insecurity. It wasn’t the fact that I disliked it. It was just that I didn’t know how to maintain it and built up this phoney ideal of beauty which was straight hair.
Finally, my nose.
Now this is an insecurity I didn’t even see for myself. But one of my “friends” saw.
My nose was never something I noticed that I disliked, until senior year of high school when I met this so called friend.
She pointed out my “big ass” nose.
At first, it didn’t really hurt. Because I just thought oh it’s just a joke that’s what friends do, we’re just starting to get to know each other. And I honestly didn’t even believe my nose was big. It was just my nose.
Until… she kept repeating it and mentioning it.
To the point where I looked in the mirror, looked at pictures and started seeing that big nose. And I grew insecure about it.
Thankfully, I didn’t do anything about it like the arm hair (thank goodness). But it was a weight that weighed on me for a little while.
Unnecessarily.
Thankfully, I didn’t believe this insecurity for long and I was able to get rid of it.
But it’s not that easy.
And like this post explained, insecurities don’t always start out the same way.
For my arm hair, after all the horrendous experimentation, I realized that I couldn’t always shave my arm hair every week, or every other day since my hair grows back so fast. It was gonna keep growing and growing gradually. I couldn’t stop it… unless I wanted laser hair removal and how was 6th grade me even gonna get laser hair removal?! I had to learn to accept it. And honestly, once I did, I appreciated it. I call it my immigrant arm hair because it reminds me where I come from. It’s a joke I tell with another one of my friends who also has it. I barely notice my knuckle hair anymore, I had to like pull that insecurity from the depth of my brain because I really don’t notice it anymore. Honestly, all the rings I wear distracts me from them. And really if a person is disgusted by it, WHY would I even want a shallow person like that in my life?
For my hair, I found ways to embrace my actual hair. I also (finally) got heat protectant and stopped using my hair straightener so much. And I figured out that I actually like my hair curly/wavy wayyyyy more than I do straightened.
For my nose, I realized I really didn’t even have a big nose. I don’t even think it would be on that scale. And even if it was on that scale, so what? It’s a part of me and shows where I come from and who I am. Just because someone else, one person, saw it this way doesn’t mean it’s true. And it definitely doesn’t mean it’s something I have to be insecure about.
It’s weird how all 3 of these things I was insecure was different kinds of insecurity. The first one was an insecurity I built myself, the 2nd was an insecurity I had because I didn’t know enough about that feature and how to take care of it in the right way, the 3rd was an insecurity someone else reflected on me… and I believed them.
Like I said before, insecurities are hard to get rid of. It wasn’t until I started growing that I realized “this is the way I was made.” I couldn’t shave my arm hair forever, I couldn’t straighten my hair forever, I couldn’t do anything about my nose. And along the way, as you get older you realize, that without these things, you wouldn’t be you. You grow to love these things about you.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get rid of your insecurities if you want to. You can get a nose job or laser hair removal, etc. Do whatever makes you happy.
I’m just saying insecurities can become secure at some point. You won’t always look at something on your body and infinitely hate it. You might scratch, shave, or try to rip it off… and realize you ultimately can’t. You’ll try to alter it, cover it, avoid it but it’ll still be in the back of your brain. “Can they see it? Are they thinking about it?” If a person is that shallow to point out useless flaws… why are you including them in your life?
It’s like this one time I was listening to a youtuber defend why she doesn’t have a luxurious car. She said her car is how she sort of sees which people she’ll include in her life. If someone is so shallow that they wouldn’t travel in something that isn’t a tesla or something, why is she hanging out with that person? There are other people who would be fine not traveling in something new and shiny. Same thing goes with your insecurities.
True people will find beauty in your features. They won’t make fun of them or point them out.
The funny thing is, I even asked people if I did in fact, have a big nose. Everyone I asked either responded with “What?!?” or they were shocked and denied it. Isn’t it weird how my big nose was only seen by one person and no one else?
It could have been 1 person, it could have been thousands who mentioned it. It doesn’t matter. It’s your body, it’s you. Not them. If you love it about yourself, if you didn’t mind it before anyone said anything why are you letting minimal people decide what you should do with yourself?
Honestly, our bodies are so beautiful and unique, it’s unnecessary to think about the little things that “seem” impure to you. Imagine if you had a huge play box of sand. If there was one speck of dirt in that sand box, would it make it less worthy of being played in or stepped into? No. It’s a speck of dirt, you hardly notice it.
Your body is so much more than your insecurities. Your beauty and worth is so much more than your insecurities.
As you love yourself even more within each day, you’ll even stop paying attention to all the flaws, like how you can forget that you can see your nose in front of your face (sorry).
With time, impurities will become pure. Just give it time and see beyond what’s on your skin and focus more on what’s in your heart.
hopelesslystrong 