you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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11.09.17 Story Time: The Time I Told My Crush/Friend I Like Him

WOAH WOAH WAIT… is that… is that Rebecca? Is she back from the deep, dark blog depths? Has hopelesslystrong been brought back to life?

Well, lol, hopelesslystrong never died. If anything died it would be Rebecca’s blog skills which school killed.

And if you don’t know or remember who I am, I’m someone who loves to refer to themselves in the third person.

Lol, but really, how are you guys? It’s been a while! School really has been slowly killing me. It’s November and I already have senioritis. And yes, it’s bold because it’s scary.

I’ve been so busy with my college-level classes, college essays, financial aid for college, mental emotions, feelings, homework, ap classes, etc.

I haven’t had time to even pull up my blog… but here I am! Yes, I am still here and this blog is still prospering!

And boy, do I have a story for you.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to be able to visit this blog in the future and look back at old posts of who I was and the things I’ve accomplished. Like an online diary but better (I could never keep up with a diary).

Well as you read from the title, I did something I never thought I would ever do in my anxiety-filled life.

I told my crush/friend I have feelings for him.

And yes, this is the same guy I’ve ridden a rollercoaster for, for the past year: Phoenix.

Since maybe September, I’ve been thinking about telling him the truth but I always shut it down because hello? I have anxiety. I could never tell him. I could never imagine myself telling him. But as days passed, things got more difficult. Example?

Nah, I’ll give you examples.

I have a friend group now and I told them all about my feelings. All of them, well those who knew him, were telling me different perspectives of the story of him and his ex. The thing is, he’s best friends with his ex. They’re always together. And one friend told me, his ex still wants him and she’s lowkey obsessed with him. Another friend told me they’re just friends. A third friend told me they got back together. And all of it blew my mind. I just wanted to know whether I was ever anything to him. Or if I was just, what the kids call these days: a side piece.

I was confused by his actions. This is the same guy who broke my heart in the summer. Somedays it’s like I was talking to a wall. A tough, brick wall. And now that we’re back in school we’re okay again? I want to know where his head is at. If I did mean anything to him.

My mind was controlling me. Every interaction with him and I mean EVERY interaction had my mind thinking “He likes me” or “No he doesn’t like me.” And it was driving me i.n.s.a.n.e. Truly insane. Because his actions? They were the definition of mixed signals. He pushed me to a wall once… nope, twice. But not in a way that hurt me. And then last week, he saw me sad and he was like “No, we’re going to talk about why you’re so sad.”

And if you asked my close, CLOSE friends how many times I’ve told them/asked them if I should tell him or not… they would give you so many detailed descriptions and time stamps of an anxious, make-up-your-mind Rebecca who was really lost.

So last week Friday, I took the one opportunity I had to ask him to talk. My friend, Hydra (yes, all my friends will have star names) and I stayed after school. We saw him walking somewhere. He started walking with me while Hydra walked ahead. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He hugged me and told me to “Be Safe.” He was about to leave but I just took that opportunity because I really didn’t know what I was going to text him to ask him to talk because I lowkey don’t like virtual him. So I turned back around and asked “Is there a day we could talk? I need to tell you something.” And he asked “When? Next week?” And I said “Yeah, any day.” He started thinking of days. Thank goodness he didn’t ask me why. He said “Thursday” but he wasn’t sure yet. He was really doubtful. He’s a really busy person. And he’s canceled on me last minute before. So I didn’t really believe that we were going to talk Thursday.

But I was still proud of myself because I made a split-second decision without overthinking it. I actually asked him to talk. 

But there was the hard part: Actually telling him.

All week long, I was anxious about it but at the same time, I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t really sure it was actually going to happen. It didn’t feel real. I mean it was me. Rebecca. Anxiety. Nervous. Worried. Rebecca. Who has never even thought of telling past crushes she liked them. Or even thought she would tell this crush she liked him. And the thought of actually telling him? I could picture it but only as a daydream. And I knew it wasn’t going to be as dramatic as my mind played it out to be.

But then we saw each other on Tuesday and I posted a video of my singing on Snapchat and he commented on it saying “I finally did it” and that made me smile because I’m really shy about my singing. He confronted me about it telling me that it was good and he wanted to hear more. This conversation happened after school, at a school club, that two of my friends: Lyra and Ethasia founded. (They are apart of the story too. They were the ones I group texted after I asked him for a day. They’re close friends with him and are sort of one of the only honest plugs to information about him and his ex and they’re really supportive and give great hugs. They’re best friends with each other) Majority of my friends were at this club including Hydra, another friend, Kara, and Phoenix’s best friend (not his ex) Linx. His best friend is a girl just so you know and she is friends with my friends which is why I started to become friends with her. But she’s also friends with Phoneix’s ex.

Do you see why everything started getting frustrating for me? Everyone is literally connected in their last year of high school. My friends would hang out with Linx which would mean Phoenix and his ex would be there. And it didn’t help my situation. I would barely talk or even look at Phoenix because his ex is honestly scary… anyway,

I didn’t want Linx to know about liking him because I didn’t know her that well. I thought she would tell Phoenix. AND I thought she would tell his ex. So no thanks.

After I had a conversation with Phoneix about my singing, which Hydra witnessed she went back in the room and said loudly to Kara, “That sexual tension though.” And he was literally r.ig.h.t. t.h.e.r.e. I yelled at her and she said she didn’t recognize his back profile and thought he was a girl because of his stance. I was still shaking inside and hit her. Then the club started but I could barely pay attention. I wasn’t sitting with him. I was sitting with Kara, Linx, Hydra, and another one of their friends. While he was sitting on the other side with his ex.

But they’re not together.

And Hydra still exposed me. She told Kara what happened and the friend and especially Linx heard. Then Hydra told Linx I was in love with him. And I was like “WOAH WOAH wait hold up, I am not in love with him. I just like him.” And Linx asked me, “So are you in love or do you just like him?” And I confirmed that I just liked him. I hit Hydra a lot after that and yelled at her. But I found out that our other friends Magi and my best friend Luna already exposed my secret to Linx earlier that day.

But she’s chill. She told me she wasn’t going to tell him. She asked me, “Are you going to tell him?” and I said, “Yeah, maybe Thursday.” She smiled and gave me a fist bump. She told me she would’ve tried to get information from me but it would have been obvious since he knows Linx and I are friends now. Plus, I didn’t need it since I was gonna tell him later that week, right? The funny thing is, she saw us when Phoenix and I were talking earlier and she “sensed” that something was there. But all my friends are just extra.

I told her a couple of things; when I started liking him, the park, the library. And she told me that he’s 100% single and he told his ex he’s not interested in her anymore. But what did that do for me?

Did I still like him? He’s done a lot of shit to me. And the main reason I wanted to tell him was so that I could move on hopefully since all of it would be out there and I wouldn’t have to overthink anymore. But I didn’t know what I wanted at this point. He was single and I was gonna tell him I like him… or liked him? I didn’t even know. I vented to Lyra about it and she eased me. But I was still scared.

Then the next day, Wednesday, came: Phoenix confirms that he can do Thursday. Lyra and Ethasia were ecstatic and told me they believed in me. This was one of the reasons I could tell him. Because I had such a great support system behind me. Even if he did break my heart, so many people would be there for me. The panic started but it was only Wednesday. The worry can wait for Thursday.

At this point, I told my friend group about confronting him Thursday and bless, cause of that great support system. Kara and Hydra said they would be at the library (lowkey spying lol) while I talked to him (if that was where he and I were going to talk) supporting me.

Thursday comes. It’s a half day at my school because the quarter is over. We got out at noon which gives more time to hang out after school. (Since it’s winter, the days are shorter here) I was nervous. But I didn’t feel the heart palpitations until I saw him.

I didn’t see him during school which is kind of a good thing because I was already freaking out.

Lunch was my last period and all my friends were consoling me and asking me if I was ready and if I knew what I was going to say and I was like “Hell no. I’m freaking out. I’m  just going to wing it.” Then the bell rang. School was out and it was time to walk to the bus stop.

I walked with Hydra, Kara, and our friend Aikra (lol these names) who was going to meet her boyfriend at 3 so she came with us. We were all going downtown. They were all going to support me at the library.

He texted me and he told me we would meet up at 7eleven. But then my friends told me he was walking up to me. All three of them were facing the opposite direction that I was. And the way I was facing, my back was turned so I didn’t see him walking up… and I really didn’t want to turn around. I told them “Really? He is? I don’t want to turn around. I’m getting panicky. That feeling is starting in my chest.” I really felt anxious and I could feel it in my chest, my heart, my throat, everywhere. Then Hydra, and her extra self was like “Okay, guys turn around let them be.” Lol, they didn’t even say bye to me and I was like “Really, guys?”

So I had to turn around and face him. I really thought he would approach me when I was talking to my friends but he let me be until I finished talking to them. I turned around and he was smiling at me. Yep, I’m done. Already. He asked me what they were saying about him and I told them “They’re talking bad about you” as a joke lol.

So we walked in a different direction from my friends because he wanted to go to a bus stop that wasn’t really crowded. Because pretty much all the kids were going downtown after school (that’s the cliche hang out place that would be in movies). So we walked all the way to a different bus stop I didn’t even know of. It was f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. My nose and fingertips get cold so easily. And all this boi was wearing was a jean jacket. I asked him, “You’re not cold?” And he said “No. Are you?” I was packed up like a marshmallow… Man I’m just realizing I could’ve used some great sarcasm. Dang it.

I got nervous because he didn’t know I wanted to tell him something specific. He thought I just wanted to hang out. So I started panicking, even more so than before. I texted Hydra, and then Ethasia and Lyra in a group chat.

Lol so we went to the bus stop and we were the only ones there. We had to wait for maybe 20 minutes in the cold. We talked about our classes and school. This fool forgot that we were in the same precalculus class and I got butthurt and he apologized lol. He said he told people he felt like someone was missing but no one believed him. We both talked about how we were utterly lost in AP Bio. I told him about the difficulty playing bar chords on the guitar. He asked me, “Is it cause of your short fingers?” and I defended myself saying “No it’s cause of the transitioning, I’m just not used to it. I’m getting better at it. ” He was shocked at me defending myself lol because I really DEFENDED myself. Then the bus came and we didn’t know if we had to pay or use our school id’s since school let out early. He said that he would talk to the bus driver lol but he said nothing. But they accepted it. Then when we reached the stops near our school, teens got on and the bus got packed AND loud. Lol, I lost Phoenix because I was sitting and he was standing. So when it got full he had to go all the way to the back of the bus. I was like “What? Where did he go?” But thankfully I went downtown before with some friends and knew when to get off. It gave me some time to myself. But the kids, they yelled. It was annoying. They were shouting to each other on the bus. And I looked back at this lady on the bus and her face read like, “Girl, these are your people.” And I was like “Please don’t associate me with them.”

Then we got off the bus when we reached downtown and he was already out by the time I got out. He was smirking. He made fun of the fact that he could block them out with earphones but I couldn’t because my earphones broke.

I texted Hydra and her, Kara, and Aikra reached downtown before we did so there would be no awkward encounters of seeing them at the library, right? Wrong. As soon as we got off the elevator, he said: “Look who it is.” And there stood my three friends and I immediately thought, “Oh shit.” So, this made him kind of suspicious he was like, “Oh so you were on your phone like telling them, ‘Guys we’re going to the library'” And I said, “Noooo I didn’t know they were coming to the library, I thought they were going ice skating.” We were gonna go ice skating, my friends and I, but we couldn’t do it at the last minute. So everyone went to the library.

So Phoenix and I went up the stairs to the kid’s floor of the huge library. Yes, the library is very huge and very chill. We had our first hang out here back in May… and now it’s November. These months just flew by.

So when we got there he asked me “Do you want to go to the bathroom? Go warm up your hands?” At first, I didn’t want to go but I needed the bathroom pep talk lol. But I couldn’t give myself one because a mom and her baby were there and the mom was already eyeballing me for some reason. It’s like she knew. Lol I’m just kidding. So I checked myself in the mirror and took deep breaths. Then after a minute, I went back to where he was sitting then he went to the bathroom. And again, I had time to think about how I was going to tell him the truth or if I even was going to.

He came back from the bathroom and it was funny cause he took longer than me. He came back and said: “She’s wondering why this guy is talking so long, right?”

I didn’t want to like jump right into it. Because I haven’t had a real conversation with him in a long time. I wasn’t even sure this guy was still there because for the past few months all we’ve been talking about were insults and fighting each other (he comes for my life for being short). I wanted to talk to him about life and stuff, plus I needed to ease into the conversation because I was hella scared about telling him. Because there he was. I’ve been thinking about this since the Friday I asked him for a day. Wait, not even since then, since like September when I vented to one of my OG best friends, Draco, venting to her about him and she told me the only way I could move on was if I told him the truth. Now there I was.

It was nice to talk to him again. We talked about simple stuff: life, friends, family, the movie “It,” etc.

He was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on a wood panel thing. Then we switched places cause my back was hurting. And lol, I didn’t know this, but Kara later told me that she and Hydra sneaked up on us while he was sitting in the chair and they saw us talking and Hydra was really loud. But THANK GOODNESS we both didn’t hear them because he would’ve gotten more suspicious. And he’s really good at body language, so if he noticed that my body language changed cause I heard Hydra, he would ask me what’s wrong. And for some reason, I don’t see a reason to lie to him when things happen with my friends or about anything really.

But I was freaking out throughout it. Because at one point, he mentioned the people he trusted and he listed Linx, then his ex, then this other guy friend. And I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he gave me this disgusted “No” like there was no smirk in it or smile or anything. He genuinely doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. But that was a reason I was freaking out. And another one was that we were talking about the show “Friends” and you guys know Chandler? The sarcastic one? Well Phoenix asked me, “Would you fall for a guy who makes sarcastic jokes like Chandler?” And I froze. I literally froze and didn’t say anything to him for 10 seconds and he was like “Wait, what happened? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” And I was like “No there’s nothing wrong with the question. Yeah, I would want a guy who has sarcasm.” But I freaked out because I DID fall for a guy with sarcastic jokes, Phoenix, it’s you. And then while he was talking to me there were so many indications that he just saw us as friends or it was just me chickening out.

And I was texting my friends a lot because I was freaking out, I especially texted Hydra and she gave me a pep talk; telling me I would regret it if I didn’t tell him. And when we switched sitting positions, he called me out for texting people and he was like “You’re probably telling them why is this guy talking about “It” so much?” And I told him, “No, my friends were just telling me when they were leaving.” And he smirked and said “Okay.” And turned to look out the window and I said to his hair, “You really want to know?” But YOU GUYS. I said that in the most cringe-worthy voice ever. And he kept imitating it. Urghhhhh I wanted to melt.

Then he tried to like unlock my phone but he locked himself out. Then he wiped my phone screen and was like “Do your password one more time and I’ll figure it out.” And I was like “Bruh I’m not dumb, I do that with my dad’s phone. I’m in forensics, I know stuff.” We both laughed. But I was so nervous. Literally, no words came out of my mouth. And I tried really hard but nothing. He was trying to get it out of me and he was being sweet about it. Then I told him “It makes me nervous and gives me anxiety. You know that.” And he said, “You can feel anxious afterwards it’s okay now.” I laughed and told him, “Uhmm that’s not how it works.”

Then he said, “Look there are your friends” and I thought he was kidding but there my friends were. I asked him “Is it cool if I go talk to them?” And he said, “Yeah, of course.”

I got up from where we were sitting and started talked to them. They told me that they were leaving. I felt bad cause they were like waiting for me to tell him but I was panicking. Kara told me it’s okay if I don’t want to tell him and I was like bless lol but Hydra pushed her and was like “Girl bye.” Hydra and Aikra were telling me to do it and I told them what was panicking me, him trusting his ex and the Chandler thing. Then Kara was like “Guys we’re whispering pretty loud.” We were like a foot away from him. And I turned to look at him and he was turned back at  smirking back at us and I was like “Oh shit” Then they left and I went back to him.

Then he was like, “I heard what you guys were talking about” and he was smirking. I full on started panicking. Like if I was panicking before, this was the highest level it could reach. I got so scared. I said “… you did? What did you hear?” My voice got small and my facial expression changed. He noticed how much my demeanor changed and he asked “What? What are you worrying for?” And I again asked, “Like you really heard what we said?” and he said “Yeah.” I still don’t know what he heard. We did whisper pretty loud. But we never explicitly said, “Did you tell him you like him?” They were just like “Did you tell him?” And I said, “No I didn’t tell him.”

Then he asked me this would you rather question and I answered and we talked about it. Then he asked me if we should keep asking each other those types of questions or if he should keep trying to question me about the thing I wanted to tell him.

I was, again, really nervous. He asked me “Are you uncomfortable?” And I told him the honest truth: “Yeahhhhh” He got really serious and he tried to get it out of me. He kept staring at me while the word never came out. I told him “You have to stop looking at me though.” He turned around to look out the window and I still couldn’t get the truth out and he turned back around and smiled at me and arched his eyebrow and I laughed with some nervousness.

It took like 10 minutes to get the truth out.

Then he started like looking down at his lap listening and I was like “Okay just do it, Rebecca.” I didn’t want to say I like you from the start of the sentence, not only cause I physically couldn’t but because I wanted to ease into it. So I went through our whole backstory like: “You know how we became friends junior year then we started talking and texting a lot?” Then he mentioned how we stopped talking for like those 2 weeks of the “Chapstick thing.” I was like, internally, dang you actually remembered that? Because this boi sure does lose focus a lot and forget things. Then I continued “Yeah we stopped talking for a week and we started again and we went to the library and the park… well through that, I started getting feelings for you.” To be honest I didn’t really wanna say I like you because it didn’t really feel like the right words to use. And the last part of that sentence was hard to get out but it somehow came out.

Thank goodness, because he wasn’t staring at me when I said that so it made the nervousness better. Because if he was staring at me, I would’ve bolted out of there. No running in the library? I really don’t care. I would’ve been gone. And I thought because he didn’t overreact or seem shocked (which is so great) that maybe he knew so I asked him “Did you know?” He shook his head and said “No.”He was calm, which is good. Because I, on the other hand, as you know, was FREAKING OUT. But the hardest part to say was out there.

Then I resumed the story of what happened “Then you got a girlfriend in the summer and I didn’t talk to you for a month. I tried cutting you out of my life but I couldn’t because you didn’t even know anything was wrong and I couldn’t be mean to you.” He like eased the conversation by making jokes, one of them was about cutting him out, and it made me feel SO MUCH better. I didn’t want it to be so serious cause that would kill me.

Then he was the one to look at me while I looked away and he asked me “Do you still have feelings for me?” I said “Honestly I don’t know.”

Then he was like “Let me be honest with you…” My heart was a freaking drum at this point. I was shaking and my breathing was all over the place. Then we started making eye contact again and it was out there now. So he told me that he officially broke up with his girlfriend last year, in November. Then he found out she didn’t move on and stuff. She’s still trying to get to him, even now. But they’re friends.

Then he told me about his summer girlfriend. He thought that his ex would move on if he got a girlfriend. He said he met this girl at a church fundraiser and he started liking her. Then she moved or something (honestly I don’t remember this detail, I was too busy hoping he wouldn’t break my heart more than it already was because the walls were so damn down at this point, I couldn’t build them back up) but yeah, he said he didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.

He asked me if I wanted to know his honest feelings and I was scared at first because I really thought he was going to break my heart. Then he asked me “Why did you tell me?” I said, “Cause I wanna move on and I wanted you to know.” He said, “Dang that’s actually a good idea.”

He again asked me, “Are you sure you want to know?” I shakingly agreed. I think I was melting in the chair. He said, “First, I don’t want my ex coming after you. Because she always finds a way. She’ll find out about this one way or another, she’ll even find out about us hanging out.” I told him “That’s what Lyra told me but yeah, I’m lowkey scared of her” laughing. He said “Nah she won’t do anything. If she does you can tell me. Or if she asks you if you liked me you can say no or tell her the truth.”  Then he asked, “What would you do if she does anything?” I said “Bruh, I would run. Run really fast. I would let Lyra or Hydra deal with that but I would run out of there.”

But to be honest, I’m not as scared of her as I used to be. She’s just a teenager like me who fell in love and she’s not going to do anything to me, she can’t. I just got out of the drama, this girl is not reeling me back in.

Then he asked me, “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I again told him, “I don’t know.” Because I was honestly scared, I’ve never been in a relationship. But I didn’t want to tell him that because he’s been in a few while I’ve never even been kissed or have ever gone on a date.

He told me, “Honestly, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I know where he’s coming from and I’m honestly the same way. I don’t even have time to use my blog anymore. He was telling me, “You’re a sweet person. You’re honest, reserved, and funny.” He was like listing good qualities off on his fingers and internally I was like “HOLD YP YOU KNOW I GOTTA REMEMBER THIS TO REPEAT TO MY FRIENDS” lol if he heard my thoughts… But he just doesn’t have time because of school, church, family, soccer, college, etc. I completely understood him because I’m really busy too.

He then said “You would be a great girlfriend honestly. But I just don’t have time. I’m like a surgeon making appointments next months cause I’m so busy.”

But bless, because he was so sweet about it. He said “If you still have feelings for me in the future, you can just tell me like ‘Hey, Phoenix, I still have feelings for you'” in like this whiny voice and I was like bruh I don’t sound like that. It was nice that he was making it casual and funny because I was terrified of the conversation. He also said “I’m not going to be that person that’s like ‘Ohhhhhh I know Rebecca like me now'” all egotistically.

Plus, he knows that I tell Lyra stuff now. There was a time when he asked Lyra something and she talked about me and he said “Ohhhh that’s why.” And when I told Lyra she was like, “Bruh I was the plug, why would you tell him?!??” And I laughed and was like “It’s done dude. I wanted all the cards on the table.”

ALSO this is the big one. He wants to make sure I don’t make our friendship awkward. Which he knew I would make awkward because I’m me lol. He really wants to try he was like “We have to find ways so that it doesn’t become awkward between us. Like we can still hang out and still snap each other and talk.” I told him “You know I’m going to make it awkward though” I laughed and he smiled.

But it’s nice because he was so chill about it and he wasn’t weird about it. He was the one who made it comfortable for me, not the other way around.

Then he connected more pieces and I told him that’s why my friends were at the library, that’s what they were talking about, and that’s why I was on my phone so much.

He had to leave at around 3 because he had to go to soccer practice. So he got up and put on his backpack and asked “Should I give you a hug or should I just leave?” I told him “You should just leave… no I’m just kidding.” I got up and I got a REAL hug from him which lasted only a second and his bag was in the way. He asked, “Are you gonna ride the bus home with me?” And I told him “I should ask my friends if they’re still here.” Because Aikra was waiting downtown until 3 because her boyfriend was going to come at 3. I texted Hydra and she literally left 5 minutes before and she was like “WHAT SHOULD I GET OFF THE BUS?” lol but it was too late. Aikra was still there at a restaurant and Phoenix knows downtown better than me so I asked him, “Can you walk me there?” He said “Yeah.”

We rode the elevator and it wasn’t awkward lol but when we were waiting for the elevator he said “That’s a new belt.” I looked down and stared at him and was like “Dude really?” And he laughed lol. Then throughout our conversation I took my glasses off and when we got off the elevator everything was blurry and I said, “Wait why can’t I see anything?” And he laughed saying “What did you say? Did you ask why you can’t see?” He started dying and I told him how sometimes I walk out of the house without glasses and I’m like “Nope, can’t see shit.” It’s nice that we were still seemingly friends and he really was trying and is trying to not make it awkward.

So he dropped me off at the restaurant, I saw Aikra and one of his friends was there eating so he walked in and said hi to him. I went to Aikra and she asked “How did it go?” and I said “No hug me first” lol. She was really excited and happy because I told her that I told him over text 5 minutes prior. I sat with her and caught her up then she told me he was leaving and he walked out. Then a few seconds later Aikra pointed and said “Look there he is” and I was confused because I thought perceptions were fooling me again and I said “Wait I thought he already left” to Aikra. And she said, “Yeah he came back in to say bye to you.” And he did. I turned around. He came back into the restaurant to wave bye to me and I waved back and continued telling Aikra what happened.

Aikra’s boyfriend couldn’t show because he had to watch his little brother. So we went shopping.. sorry looking at clothes because we were too broke to afford anything. Then we went back to the restaurant to eat and the two of us had our own “date.” And I brought my songbook and Aikra read my songs and it was just a nice ending to an already good day.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I told everyone how happy and free I am. Because he knows. I don’t have to assume anymore. No more overthinking. Because everything is off the table, or on the table as Lyra and I were arguing about the metaphor lol. But it’s out. I don’t have to overthink his actions. He’s cool with it, that’s so great. I’m happy, which is a blessing. Everything turned out okay, better than okay.

The truth really does set you free. 

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working through my Anxiety.

Guys, I did something today that, before, would have scared the life out of me because of my anxiety.

I talked to an adult to schedule an appointment on the phone!

I know, if you don’t have anxiety that might seem like nothing to you. But for a person with anxiety, it’s a pretty huge step.

I usually get my parents to talk to adults on the phone because of so many different reasons: I don’t know what to say, my voice gets shaky and nervous (and high pitched like hey, what’s up pre-pubescent Rebecca) it’s a situation a person with anxiety would very much want to avoid and never encounter.

I could’ve waited for my dad a few days to call them and make an appointment but I knew that was going to take a few days. Plus I knew I would have to make appointments with them in the future and my dad wasn’t always gonna do it. So I had to start doing it by myself to take a task off his list.

I mean, if I’m talking to a friend on the phone, at first, if it’s a new thing I get nervous but it’s my friend and that’s easy. With an adult, that you don’t know and is at a business etc., it’s more difficult. You don’t know how they’re going to react, what they’re going to say- if they’re even nice. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I wanted to call them. I needed to.

I need to prove to myself that I can live with my anxiety. I need to prove to my worries and fears that I can overcome. I need to prove to my deep sadness that crawls out here and there that I can do it.

I need to prove it to the lady who told me I needed to get a “self-help book” to fix my problems.

You see, last month I went to a workshop that my school’s career center had. It was information about how to have a successful interview with an adult or superior There weren’t many students, there were just 5 of u… so that’s great. No one to hide behind. And yes the lady in charge made us share opinions and all that ishh. And from the first, few minutes she was already labeling me like everyone else in my life. Telling me I’m shy. I know. I need to speak up. I know. I need to be more open. Wow, she’s really not letting this go. Literally, this lady was the epitome of every person who labeled my anxiety as “shyness” or “quietness.” And she WOULD NOT leave it alone. She kept pointing me out and asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to… and she waited and I just felt like exploding. I wanted to leave the room but with so little people I would cause a scene and I would not want that. So she gave everyone interview example and she asked us to consider a weakness that we have and tell it out loud to the other kids. I didn’t know what else to say so I talked about my overthinking and how it messes with my mind.

This lady literally looked me dead in the eye and told me, “You know what? I think you should order a self-help book and boost your confidence… you should also grin more.” 

I didn’t smile a lot, I don’t like pleasing people with my smile. Why would I? If I like you, I’ll smile. And really, Miss, how are you gonna tell me to grin more? It’s not like you were giving me reasons to smile. The self-help book kind of threw me off guard for some reason.

That day was a really bad one for me. I believed. She didn’t know my story but I felt like she was right. In a way. It felt like she was. When she looked at me like that, it was like “Damn. Can I even do stuff like this with my anxiety?” Could I be capable of living a life with anxiety? This was a freaking school workshop about job interviews, it wasn’t even a real interview but this lady read through my deepest demons… dug them out and used them against me. I thought that since she’s an adult she’s right.

I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to fail.

Going back to the phone call… It took me ten minutes to even call the people. I dialed the number then proceeded to just stare at my phone building the muster to hit the call button.

Then I clicked it. I needed to, like I said before.

This past weekend, I as in one of my deep holes. I really didn’t see a way out because everything was coming out of the dark: my anxiety, my friends that I seem to “burden,” my family being better off without me and my episodes, the guy who wasn’t capable of feeling the same way about me or even caring enough to keep our friendship, etc.

Then I got brought out of my hole. God really carried me through this time.

But getting out of that hole meant things needed to change. And the main thing that needed to change is my anxiety and how I deal with anxious situations.

If I’m going to live long enough to see how my future turns out I need to be okay with myself. Even if that means I have anxiety. I need to live with it. I need to live through it. I know, I know I’m not my mental illness but it’s what I have right now. It’s controlling me, it’s showing me what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with.

But if I’m going to try harder, I need to cross the comfort zone line a little bit. Even if it means making a  mere phone call to schedule an appointment.

It might not seem like much to you… but to that girl who was so scared that anxiety would take over her life where she sees that she’s not able to live with it, this is the world to her. 

And that’s who I’m doing this for.

I’m going to take more steps like this in the future. Even if they’re small steps. I’m going to stop allowing things to happen to me and start confronting. I’m going to start telling people my feelings, little by little. It’s gonna take a whole lot of time. I might find myself losing a bunch of hope but…

A week ago I couldn’t even picture myself making that phone call. To myself, I literally did the impossible. We never really know what we’re capable of.

Why stop before trying?


Also, side note lol, the lady I talked to on the phone was super nice. I could understand her and she never seemed to get upset with me or seem pissed off. I literally told her the dates and times and she was like, “Yep, okay. Got it!” She told me to have a nice day and I told her the same. It really was a weight off my worries and in the end, I was like “See that wasn’t so bad Rebecca! I’m so proud of you! (YES I talk to myself like this, do you have a problem? Lol)”

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you don’t have to be in charge.

Have you ever wanted something you didn’t want?

Ever thought you needed something but it isn’t at all what you needed?

Has it ever felt like you’ve been on both sides of a spectrum and you don’t even know yourself what you want and need?

I want to do this… but then again I don’t because it’s not going to help my situation.

I want this person to be like this but I don’t want them to be like this.

I want life to turn out this way but again I don’t want it that way.

If I’m being honest…

I am an indecisive mess.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what’s going to make my life happy and better.

Or who is going to do that for me.

But isn’t it a great feeling knowing you don’t have to worry about what’s right or wrong?

What you need and what you don’t?

Because ultimately, I know that I’m not in charge of my life… and it’s comforting knowing that I don’t have to be.

God has me.

He knows what He’s doing.

He knows it all.

He knows what’s going to become of me… of my life.

Who needs to stay in my life… and who needs to leave.

I shouldn’t be overthinking or even sad if someone leaves or if there’s some sort of setback because…

have you heard of that one quote?

“When God closes a door, he opens a window.”

And even if you’re not religious… if you don’t believe in God,

You should know…

This life is bigger than you.

You’re not in charge of it and you don’t have to be.

Never make yourself feel bad for the things you cannot control.

No one is asking you to carry the weight on your shoulders.

Let go of trying to figure everything out at the moment.

Maybe you can’t comprehend everything that’s going to happen… You. Don’t. Have. To.

Just live.

And I know, it’s hard.

This is coming from a girl with Anxiety.

But each day, I’m trying my best to let go of my worries and to just breathe.

Because worrying about all these outcomes honestly, won’t help me or make me feel better.

It just makes everything worse.

I’m not in charge. I don’t have to figure everything out now. I don’t know everything. I still have lots to learn. I don’t need to give up, that’s not my only option. There’s still so much ahead of me.

You should just remember all of that the next time you worry about being on opposite sides of the spectrum; wanting something and not wanting it at the same time, needing something and being unsure whether you need it. Or whenever you’re unsure if someone is meant to stay in your life or not.

Just breathe and let things unfold the way they are meant to unfold.

Life isn’t meant for you to have everything figure out now. Life is for you to learn. Learning doesn’t mean you’re in charge… far from it.

And please…

Don’t let your darkness convince you that you need to have everything figured out. You don’t.

It’s okay to be indecisive and unsure. It only makes us human.

You don’t know who’s going to win a game and how if you’ve only rolled the dice one time.

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Goodbye, Junior

Start: Hello, Junior: Day 1 & Hello, Junior: Day 2

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

  • Period 1: Piano
    • Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.
  • Period 2: Modern World
    • One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.
  • Period 3: Photography
    • At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.
    • But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.
  • Period 4: AP Language & Composition
    • One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.
  • Period 5: Chemistry
    • My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)
  • Period 6: Lunch
    • Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.
  • Period 7: Spanish
    • UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!
  • Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)
    • This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I  just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

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Fake Friends and Forgiveness

So this might not be like a new experience story because of course, I see some of my old fake “friends” all the time.

And my interaction with her isn’t haunting me and I’m not overthinking it. I actually considered not writing about this because it’s not really a big deal to me and I don’t want to make it bigger than it actually is.

It’s not the interaction itself but how I reacted in the mere second I saw her.

I feel like you should have some background on this fake friend. We became friends freshmen year and I actually thought she would stick around for a while. Of course, our relationship wasn’t perfect no relationship ever is. But I never thought that there would be months that we wouldn’t talk to each other or instances where we see each other in school and act like we weren’t close. Or at least she acts like we weren’t close.

But honestly, it’s not like she was an amazing friend to me. In my sophomore year, (my current worst year in high school) I sat with her at lunch because my best friend didn’t have the same lunch period as me and I was still kind of a newbie to high school so I didn’t really have any other friends. There were days where it was shocking when she came to lunch or she told me where she was at lunch. She just left me some days to sit at a table alone. One of these instances involved her sister seeing me and telling her that I was alone which then made her call me near the end of lunch and tell me that she was in the library. She never even told me she was in the library in the first place, only after her sister saw me alone. A pity call.

That was literally the worst period of my life. I thought I wasn’t worth enough to even be accompanied at lunch.

But our friendship kept going (on snapchat) because I tend to forgive and forget. But then she started hanging out with other people and finding her “real” friends. It always felt weird seeing her snapchat stories of her having fun and doing so many things while I sat at home with anxiety. It didn’t feel weird it felt like crap. But to see her with all those friends?

What was so wrong with me? Why did she want to throw me away like I was a useless piece of garbage?

In December, I don’t remember who talked first but it happened and the conversation lasted for days. I tried hard to talk to her even in times when I could feel that she didn’t want to talk to me. Even in times when her replies shouldn’t have deserved anything more. But I didn’t want to just leave her on read and let whatever our friendship was to come to a definite stop. It was honestly nice to talk to her again. It felt like old times.

But it didn’t last.

Nowadays, I barely think of her (except of course when I’m checking that dumb, needy app) but that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. I even find myself not being able to look at her story because of my hurt feelings.

Back to the present. I see her when I go to my fifth period out of nowhere. I can’t really avoid her or pretend I didn’t see her because the hallway is pretty empty and she already caught my eye. She smiles and seems excited and opens her arms for a hug. I don’t really know what

I don’t really know what happened in that moment. When I hugged her, it didn’t seem fake on my part. When I smiled at her, it felt fake at first and then it felt genuine. Then she said a joke about my smallness and I retorted back a joke.

I tried to be hurt. I tried to be fake. But it didn’t work. I was real. My smile didn’t feel fake.

Maybe it’s because everything happened in seconds and it wasn’t even a long interaction, but how I reacted is bothering me.

I always forgive and forget so easily.

I forgave and forget all the crap that Phoenix has put me through, but that’s partially because I have feelings for him so I can’t really allow him into the circle.

But why do I always forgive and forget? Even if that person doesn’t deserve forgiveness?

After that interaction, neither one of us is going to reach out to the other. So why did I feel the need to be genuine with her?

Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake smile? Why wasn’t I able to give her a fake hug? I mean I know I’m capable of it. I always fake smile whenever a family relative criticizes my weight (like it’s any of their business).

Is it weird that I want to be fake? It’s not really that I want to be fake but the fact that in literally a mere second I was able to forgive someone who made me feel like crap is bothering me. I was able to forgive someone who I wasted so much of my time and energy on. I was able to forgive someone who made me question my self-worth.

And I don’t like that.

Because there have been instances where all I do is forgive people… no there haven’t been instances— it’s my whole life. It’s my life where all I do is forgive people for hurting me.

Why?

Because I don’t want to make it into this big thing. I don’t want to be “overdramatic.” I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. I mean our thoughts are way way way deeper than life actually is. If life was tv, our thoughts would be a soap-opera drama while our real lives would be a comedy. I don’t want to make the situation worse than it actually is.

I don’t really feel like my feelings are acceptable. Yes, it would be worse if I held onto most things and had grudges.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt. I don’t want to keep forgiving someone so much to a point where I’m losing a piece of myself. If I keep forgiving people who don’t deserve to be forgiven for what they did to me, what does that make me?

A good, forgiving person who had the company of someone who saw me as “not enough.”

Because even if I’m the one who keeps forgiving. The other person is still the one who is 100% unfazed of hurting me. They are still the person who has lost nothing. They are the person who “got rid of garbage.”

I know this from experience: If I keep forgiving and forgiving one person all they’re going to keep doing is continually hurt me. I can’t let that into my life. I don’t want to.

Honestly, I’m doing that right now where I’m constantly forgiving someone who continually makes my mind hurt from all the overthinking. And it sucks.

It’s really not fair when it comes to fake friends and just fake people in general. You give them literally your all and all they can give you is nothing but pain and hurt and a piece of your heart missing.

It’s funny. You would think that once a fake person is out of your life everything is great: the sky is clearer and your headspace is better. But in a sense, it’s worse. Because whether you want to admit it or not— they took a piece of you. A piece that took you a long time to make.

A piece that you can never get back.

You try so hard. Some days, you might even fool yourself that it’s okay and you’ve forgotten all about the person and all they’ve done to you. But all it can take is one mere second for you to realize that it’s not okay.

And in that second you should realize: Yes, my feelings do matter. Yes, I am worth it but they are not worth my time. Yes, they did take a piece of me but I got a lesson from them.

Be honest with yourself. Use your feelings. I know, trust me, I know that there are times when you don’t want to be open and vulnerable with someone. Or you might not want to make something into a big deal.

But it’s better talking about it and forgiving the person because you’ve talked about it instead of forgiving the issue yourself because you feel bad for having feelings.

You’re human. Don’t bully yourself because you are and the other person tends to forget that. Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

Things hurt you, things that the other person might not see as hurtful. But that doesn’t make it okay.

No one will ever know you better than yourself and if someone is hurting you and you’re questioning if that hurt is “acceptable,” it is. Only you know all you’ve been through. You’re feeling that way because of the past and you don’t want whatever’s haunting you to come true (maybe for the first time or to come true again). The other person doesn’t know all you’ve been through. All the anger, sadness, and pain.

You’ve been through a lot and don’t take away all that development away to just shun your feelings in the end. They are 100% acceptable and will always be.

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control.

To have something in control of your mind is exhausting and ironically…

hard to control.

You cannot control something/someone that controls you.

You submit.

And it’s the only thing you can do.

You submit so hard that you start believing and creating new feelings and emotions shaped to your controller’s beliefs.

Whether you’ve noticed or not you’ve started destroying and erasing pieces of yourself.

You’ve let your controller take over.

Have you ever watched a movie where a person is being mind-controlled and you’ve wondered well why can’t they just snap out of it with resilience?

But have you realized that the exact same thing is happening to you?

You’re being mind-controlled.

You’re being taken over.

You’re not being yourself.

Would you call that healthy?

Would you want that to keep going on?

Sometimes the thing or person controlling you isn’t always some guy in a cloak with out-of-this-world powers or a hypnotizing object. Sometimes what or who’s controlling you is unaware or not meant to control you, but you’ve let them control you.

It’s hard not to submit.

Submitting, nowadays, is easier than fighting.

But you should fight.

Because your mind deserves it. It deserves peace, calmness,

and it deserves not to be controlled.

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