lost.

I’ve kinda been tired all week long.

Or as my friend would say, I was dead all week long.

And she’s right, cause I was.

College is really getting to me.

And if college is getting to me, then my anxiety is grabbing me full force.

I haven’t told anyone about why I’m so “tired” because I feel like it’s just a wave I have to ride over.

Like high school.

High school, at first, was a question. Then it became this pit of darkness and through time and heartbreak it got gradually better and I found some amazing people.

I got over that wave.

And back then, I didn’t really have anybody or it didn’t really feel like I had anyone since I was so lost.

Now, I have people… but I’m still not used to letting them in during phases like this.

Phases where one minute it feels like the monster inside is pulling me down full-force and the next, it’s sunshine.

I’m so used to doing this on my own. Or telling some people about it a little bit and pretending I’m ok at the end when it’s still not okay.

Plus, all the friends I’m okay with opening up to about this seem to be having a good time at college… and I don’t want to introduce my pain when they’re happy.

I’m still lost.

And it doesn’t help that the friends I thought were real and down for me aren’t anymore.

You would think after dealing with so many fake people you get immune to the feeling… but you never do. It never goes away.

The hurt sticks.

And of course, whenever I’m in my hole of darkness I just add on everything I’m sad and stressed about.

And I’m so stressed.

It feels like I can’t do anything right.

Like I’m not meant to be here.

Like this is all a mistake.

To top it all off,

my faith is unsteady.

And my faith is something that has carried me through the bad moments.

I don’t have a perfect relationship with my faith but, right now, outside influences and my mind are attacking it full force.

And I can’t do anything because even if I’m strong and tell my mind to back off it doesn’t seem genuine.

I’m just so tired.

My plan didn’t even consist of going to community college.

I wanted to be far away from a place I’m so accustomed to.

But maybe I’m just meant to be in chains.

At least, that’s what it feels like.

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No, Not Even Friendships Are Safe

As someone with anxiety, I can say this with enough evidence, “We tend to overthink a lot.”

Situations, relationships, moments, anything you can think of.

It’s not rare when a new interest pops up in your life and you can’t help but overthink…

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Take a normal crush right? The average person thinks of them a lot in a day. Now, take that and add in overthinking. I mean there’s overthinking with a crush and overthinking with a crush, with anxiety.

(I’m considering the fact that you talk to your crush and don’t just stare from a distance lol)

You overthink their actions, the way they talk through text, how they really feel about you (whether they care or not), whether you’re bothering them or not, if you’re talking too much, if it doesn’t show too much that you care too much… or you’re worrying it does show too much, if their jokes actually hold a double meaning, why they looked at you during a certain moment, etc.

I think that’s a basic summary of it (because there’s so much more).

It’s hell.

But I”m not interested in anyone as of right now so my overthinking would seem like it’s simmered down a little bit, right?

Wrong.

It’s like my overthinking has moved onto my friends.

I mean, for me, there’s overthinking in friendships at the beginning. Of course there is. Because you’re unsure if the friendship is more than giving homework answers and classroom jokes.

So that’s normal.

But when it comes back after that, “Wow, they’re a real one” moment has LONG passed… it gets suspicious.

I realized this started happening after I stopped liking someone. But it started around a time where I got scared of life… which is right now.

I’m anxious about all my friendships.

I just got out of high school and in college. Nothing is certain.

I can think of one friend who stuck with me from kindergarten and we didn’t go to high school with each other. But we’re still strong. But everyone isn’t her…

Storytime.

I think maybe my subconscious was preparing and scared to leave high school. I started feeling a certain way toward my friend, Lyra. I’ve talked about her before. She’s a real friend. She’s the same person who let me hang out with her friend group during a fire drill when I felt like I didn’t belong. She made sure I felt included.

Yet, my mind started focusing on things that she started to do. Losing focus, not feeling important to her, not feeling like I belong in her life. Because Lyra has a lot of people in her life. I mean not all of these things were mental, most of the things I was mad at her about were things that actually happened.

Like she ditched me at a gym, we weren’t able to take pictures together at prom because she was with her other friends, we were supposed to watch a movie together but she saw it without me, I didn’t even know she saw it until a couple of days later, and a lot of other things.

It was just really messed up. It wasn’t messed up what I was doing but what my mind was doing. The thing is I didn’t even know what my mind was doing.

I don’t know how to explain it but it was like I was jealous. But that doesn’t make sense because I know how much I mean to her. But seeing her with other friends and taking pictures with them, it was like there was this hole in my heart. Because it felt like it’s so hard for the two of us to hang out AND take a simple picture. But she does it with these other people and it’s like… wow. But I know I’m special to her and she loves me. But my mind was twisting so much.

And I didn’t know what was happening.

So I didn’t tell her. And this feeling started in April and school ended in June. I knew she could tell something was going on but what could  I tell her? My mind is being stupid?

This is the same person I told everything too. Now I felt like I couldn’t.

What happened?

My mind, that’s what happened.

And nothing, no one feels safe in my mind.

Because there’s always an overthinking and overbearing thought about someone.

But thank goodness for Lyra.

She didn’t give up on me.

I could tell her all the things I’m feelings even negative things, saying I need space. And she’ll understand.

AND she won’t walk away.

I still question why she hasn’t walked away.

But she’s not the guy I used to like who said he would be there for and ultimately wasn’t, and she’s not any of my fake friends.

She understands my mind and my anxiety. She understands all my feelings and accepts me as the person I am, no matter how much I hate things like this that come in the way of friendships.

I think, if anyone else feels this way, we just need to hold on to all the Lyra’s in our life. Or we should wait for the Lyra’s of our life.

And know that even if we have these thoughts, those people should be there to lift those thoughts from our overbearing minds.

And if they don’t,

then our minds were right. 

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friends?

I’m not sure about anyone in my life. 

This phase of my life is so weird.

Slowly transitioning into college but still fresh out of high school.

And I find myself feeling lost.

I mean there are a lot of reasons I feel lost but the one I want to focus more on is friends.

If I think about last year and compare it to now… a lot of people have left.

Or I’m not as close to people as I thought I would be.

And it’s affecting me.

You know, today, I was in one of my school buildings where the library is. I was downstairs. So I climbed up the stairs and as I was climbing up I saw one of my old friends. But her back was turned towards me and she was walking away.

I was walking behind her (like 8 feet away) but in a completely different direction. I could’ve yelled her name or something but I didn’t.

Why?

Because we’re not who we used to be.

I’ve never heard from her since the summer and the one time I saw her at school was the first week of school. And she basically insulted me… but that’s who she is. That part didn’t bother me. What bothered me was that she didn’t seem interested to talk to me or see how I was doing. She talked to me for maybe 30 seconds and then left.

And I don’t know.

This is basically a summary of how I feel about anyone and everyone: I don’t know.

I don’t know about my relationships.

Everyone has their own life to live.

But I used to be able to hang out with so many different people sometimes and now…

I don’t want to sound ungrateful.

Because there are people I have that are there for me.

But I’m scared.

Because I’m just thinking about how one day they might leave like everyone else. Or I’m depending on them so much that the moment they let me down or something, I’ll lose it.

And I know I shouldn’t base my happiness or anyone but myself, but my friends really do make me happy.

I cherish my friends so much.

But… my anxiety and overthinking is getting out of control.

This is the spectrum:

The true friends: I’m scared they’ll leave, I’m burdening them, or they’ll let me down

The half-friends: There are friends in my life where it feels we’re only meeting each other halfway and I’m trying to put my trust in them but they’ve let me down before and I’m still scared.

The I don’t even know if we still are friends: The ones I don’t meet up with or talk to often. And I feel bad for wanting more because I know they might be busy. or might not want to socialize as much… but I need more.

And it’s such a weird place I’m in than I was a few months ago… I felt like less of a burden to ask others for advice and to tell someone a story. Now, those same people I used to ask, I’m scared of asking or telling. Things are so different.

So many of my relationships feel like they’re burning out or close to a fire and I want to save them but how can I save them when the other person has no interest?

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scared.

This was what I was afraid of.

Being in this position.

Telling you how I felt and neither one of us able to fix it.

Feeling like there’s an incoming end to our story.

Unsure if we can go back to who we once were.

I know people aren’t meant to be in our lives forever.

But I don’t want to lose you this soon.

It’s not time to let go.

But I’m at two sides of the spectrum.

You make it hard for me to hold on when the rope you have me on is being pushed further and further away from you.

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know if time will heal any wounds.

I don’t know if you’re going to change.

And all this uncertainty is the last thing I want to make you aware of.

Because you’ll give me the promise of empty words.

And I need more.

And maybe I ruined us

or maybe we were destined to be ruined.

Maybe this will make us stronger.

Or pull us farther than we ever want to be from each other.

Why is it so hard for two people who know they care about each other to work things out?

I pray to God hoping for a solution.

But it all seems impossible.

I’m scared.

Because I don’t know where this will lead.

I don’t want to lose you.

But I don’t want to keep getting hurt either.

And it’s like this a cruel game of chance.

Who do I care about more, you or myself?

Would I rather pretend I’m not getting hurt for the sake of our friendship?

Or do I tell you, risking everything, not knowing where we end up from here on out?

Will things return to how they used to be after a few weeks?

Will you be able to catch me up on the things I’ve already been missing out on for the past three months?

Or will I always picture myself running after you when you’re already miles away?

Gone already.

Running after a bad connection.

Risking my heart.

Deceiving myself that I can handle so much.

And my friend was right when she said the chance of losing a friendship is worse than any heartbreak over a guy.

Is space enough?

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space.

So I have a difficult ultimatum to make.

I have the choice to let go of someone special to me and I have no idea how to do it.

Not necessarily, “let go.”

But I need to tell this person that I need space away from them to recover from everything they’ve put me through.

It’s not that I want to do this.

But I have to do this.

I love this person so much, you have no idea how much I love this person.

But all that they’re giving me isn’t enough for me.

It’s like I’m giving them 100% and they’re giving me half.

And it’s not fair to myself to belittle the pain I’m feeling for the sake of the other person.

It’s hurting me and I’m continuously getting hurt.

So I have to let them know and I need space away from that for a while.

But like I said earlier, I love this person so much.

So it’s going to be so hard, I haven’t told them I need space yet.

I”m sort of mentally preparing myself right now because the minute I say this, things change.

And I don’t want things to change because once things change I step out of my comfort zone.

But if I don’t step out of my comfort zone, I continuously suffer internally not letting the other person know.

And if I keep this inside, I’m only hurting myself more than I already am from this person.

So, yeah, I don’t know.

Has anyone else been through this? It would be great if you shared…

Also, sorry, I really like storytelling and specifics but I honestly don’t want to repeat the story again so I gave a vague version.

Also because the specifics aren’t really important I guess, it’s just the fact that I don’t feel happy with their friendship anymore and it’s internally messing with my heart, my mind, my anxiety, my well-being and it’s not healthy.

So I wanted to know if anyone had any input on this.

Thank you to anyone who read this.

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to: Lyra

When our friendship began, I was cautious. Because up to this point, many people have hurt me.

So I wasn’t about to be hurt again by another fake friend or someone who’s only my friend for a certain class period.

But then that fire drill happened and you included me. With all your friends.

And I realized… you were different.

You didn’t leave. I wasn’t a burden.

That was the day I realized I might actually have made a real friend.

The year passed by and we got to know each other more.

We found out we were exact carbon copies of each other and we flowed on the same wavelength.

We laughed at the same things, had the same humor, thought the same, felt the same, etc.
We became close.

Then we synced phone details day by day. You ended up literally everywhere on my phone… Snapchat, Twitter, messages, youtube, etc.

It was awkward at first but we fought through the barriers.

We became friends.

It was so beautiful, to be honest. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I was cautious to tell you who I liked but I wanted someone at school to know.

That day, the moment I told you, I knew I could trust you and there was no going back.

We made it through that year, our bond growing stronger.

More guy drama, more venting, more jokes, more playful hurt. Real, genuine friendship.

For the first time in a long time, I was happy.

Happy to not be scared anymore.

Happy to open up to someone new.

Happy to just be able to call you my friend.

Because you were there at every step of anything.

I don’t know why it was easy with you, it just was.

I don’t remember much of last summer.

But I know one of my highlights was that long ass phone call. I’m not gonna try to guess how long we talked, I forget.

But it was my longest phone call.

And then the new school year started.

Our senior year.

I still remember the moment I saw you after 3 months.

I don’t know how to describe it.

It was like revisiting the past by listening to an old song that you still love and isn’t overplayed. That jittery feeling in your heart comes as you remember all the words, that’s what it felt like.

I was mad at you though. Cause we never saw each other in the summer. But I wasn’t actually mad. I told you about it and made it into a joke later. My favorite part about our friendship is that I could make the hurt into jokes because no small dent could ruin this friendship.

Or, at least, that’s what I thought.

It’s funny, we still managed to see each other every day that year. Life liked us together I guess.

When I switched into bio it was like the puzzle finally fit cause I wasn’t meant to see you every other day.

But the first half of this year felt like my selfish repeat. I fell back into the feelings I thought I got rid of. That you heard me get rid of. But you were still with me every step of the way in that and our situations were the same. We were literally riding the same wave. Yeah, it was trippy but what isn’t nowadays?

The guitar concert was fun mainly because you were there. That was the day we actually went outside of school for the first time and hung out/ ate food. Being the way we are, I would’ve pointed it out to you. But for some reason, I didn’t. It seemed lame. It felt like if I said it I would ruin it.

Then you were with me through the heartbreak. We vented to each other on Christmas. With the usual 9 messages or so.

It was a good Christmas.

And when I thought about letting someone toxic go, I thought about all the people I did have and truly make me happy, and you were one of the first that came to my mind, no doubt.

Those few months were hard but you made them easy and happy.

But… he was still there because he had a small hold on you. You were still his friend. And it hurt. I tried to let it go. Sometimes it worked but then he would come around again and it was like a refresh. You could go back, but I couldn’t. But it was my heart, not yours.

I used to think if you are still friends with him, the person who broke your friend’s heart, it doesn’t take much to be your friend.

But that was fucked up. So I let that be.

We bonded over our hurricanes. One night we had our golden convos and I told you to stop overanalyzing.

Life sank in and college deadlines were approaching.

I don’t know what happened.

The gym thing definitely set it off. The day you left me alone in a gym for an hour and a half. Because you saw a cute guy with some of our other friends.

But I forgave that.

Then I sent you some songs to listen to.

And you said you would listen to them when you got home.

But days turned to weeks and nothing.

I forgave that too.

Then I was stressed about asking my dad to go away to college.

But I somehow built some kind of courage and told him.

And you know who the first person I told was?

You.

I called you up first, even though I felt distant that week, I still called you.

I was already on skype with one of our friends, but I still told you first. Impulse? I guess.

And you picked up. And you were happy for me. I tol you this was why I was distant and you said that you noticed. But the call didn’t last long because you were busy. You said you would call me back. But you didn’t.

And it’s like everything piled onto each other. All these reasons to be mad at you, even though I didn’t want to be, simmered in my mind.

It all started to hurt me.

You started to hurt me.

So the distance kept growing.

Then you stopped coming to class and only came in the last few minutes.

I was left alone. And I convinced myself you didn’t want to be near me.

My phone became your replacement for that time period.

But I didn’t want to feel this way towards you. But I just did. And I couldn’t stop it, nor could I talk to you about it. Because I didn’t want you to see me as a horrible person.

Weeks go by and I know you know I’m feeling a certain way. But you give me my space.

I start getting more feelings I can’t describe. Hurt? Jealousy? Pettiness?

I don’t care for the guys that hit on you. I start getting jealous when I see you with other friends. I take you being distracted and losing attention as a flaw.

Which is something I never used to do before but started doing.

A few weeks later and prom is coming up and we talk a bit outside about it.

We weren’t able to take pictures at homecoming because we didn’t think about it when we saw each other, but I told you we have to take pictures at prom to make up for it.

So prom day approaches.

And I see you for less than a minute. You say hi, hug me, then leave. And I don’t see you for the rest of that.

I saw ou at after prom and you scold me for not seeing you when you saw me.

And then more stuff just piles on and on to the hurt. And I tell no one about it.

I should’ve been able to tell you about it… but I was scared.

I know you love me and care about me, but your actions told my anxiety another story. 

Then our last day of high school comes and you ask me, “Are we cool?” And I never thought to answer honestly. I just say, “Yeah why?”

And up until that point, it didn’t seem like you noticed how I was feeling. But you did. Then we took pictures. I had to call and text you to ask cause I didn’t want this to be a repeat of homecoming AND prom.

But something was still missing.

So that night, I finally rant to one of my close friends about this feeling and she helped me through it.

A few days pass and you tell me you need to tell me stuff.

Graduation day comes and I’m wearing a red graduation robe but you’re wearing white so you’re on the other side of the sweat-filled, claustrophobic, not really, gym.

I still managed to see you in a face full of people though.

After coming out of the stadium place, after we graduated, I saw you.

And it’s like an instinct too over me. Because, next thing I knew, I was yelling your name, running to you, and hugging you.

And we took a picture.

And for a moment it felt like we were gonna be okay.

You asked me to send you the pictures that we took so you can post them as a part 3 to your graduation series on Instagram.

I sent them… and waited. But you never did post them.

But it’s just social media, right?

We were supposed to do this job opportunity together.

But you never got back to me.

A couple days later, you tell me that you still need to catch me up on your life.

Because as time passed, I realized I didn’t know what was going on in your life and vice versa.

Because it felt like you were living your life without me in it. And you were happy. And I didn’t want to mess with that.

Then I went through one of the most heartbreaking days of my life, my grandma passed away.

I told you about it out of the blue and you asked me if I needed to talk.

I told you I was fine.

A couple weeks later, you tell me you still need to catch me up on your life. It’s been a month since you first said that.

You needed to tell me everything in detail but you gave me a quick summary over text.

And one of the things that happened was that you told me you had your first kiss. And I didn’t know about it until you told me at that moment which was about a month later from when it happened.

And that hurt.

Then you said you had to call me for details… I want to ask you why we can’t hang out. But I never do.

A week later, you ask me how I’m doing. And then you finally ask me the monumental question:

“Are we good?”

I don’t think I can perfectly describe how conflicting my whole being became at that moment. It would be so easy to tell you, of course, we’re good. But it would feel so damn good to get this feeling off my chest, whatever it was.

I spent the whole night thinking about it and the following morning.

Then I started typing a message in my notes and I would decide, in the end, if I would send it to you or not.

I typed all of the above in that message. I wrote out my whatever this hurt feeling is. I told you I wanted you to be happy.

I decided that I would send it. And I did.

You read it immediately as I sent it.

And you sent me a bunch of paragraphed messages back.

In summary, you told me you understood how I was feeling, you’re sorry, and you want me to come to you if I ever feel that way again.

You told me you noticed at the jump, that I was feeling distant, but you didn’t want to bother me and you thought I would come to you when I was ready.

I told you I thought because you didn’t talk to me about it, you didn’t notice.

Each of our perspectives on it basically clashed with each other and we realized that we should’ve just talked an communicated with each other.

And for the first time, in a long time, I felt like a weight was completely off my shoulders.

And it felt like everything was going to go back to normal.

Then after apologizing for a few days to each other, you told me for the third or fourth time, you needed to catch me up on your life.

And this time, I actually wanted to hear what was happening without feeling weird.

But I was still cautious.

You started sending me messages on Instagram again.

It still felt uneasy to me.

Then weeks past and you still haven’t got back to me.

On the first day of this month, you get back to me and say it’s been a while. I tell you I’m ready to hear it all. But I’m not.

I’m not ready to talk on the phone with you.

Because for the first time, I get anxiety talking to you on the phone.

But I think, it’s gonna pass.

I miss your call. So I call you back and the tone of your voice… I knew that tone too well.

You were gonna say you were busy. I took less than 20 minutes to call you back. But you were busy.

You were talking to someone else on the phone and you said you would call me back in 30 minutes.

There’s a part of me that’s sceptic about that. But we had that whole conversation and I thought you would change.

But nothing changed.

You told me who you were on the phone with and you got carried away and I told you I was going to bed (it was midnight) and it was okay. Another day, right?

So a weekend goes by and you tell me you were busy.

You call me on a Monday. And it feels like it did before.

Because you really have been living your own life. Things happened to you I didn’t know about. People came in your life didn’t even know about. Friends you grew close to this year knew more about your life than I did. And that hurt because you used to tell me the moment of.

But half of that is m fault because I was too in my head.

I end the call because I have to go to my aunt’s house. But I tell you I’m gonna call you back.

And I do.

And you’re on your way to the library to meet up with one of our friends. To talk about one of our other friends liking you.

Which is what you had to talk to me about. So you kept me on the phone so we all could listen and talk about it.

But why did I have to be on the phone? I wasn’t doing anything that day. You knew that. But I don’t know…

I listen to the story quietly then listen as you ask questions to the other friend who knew more about the story.

Then you mentioned his name.

No, not the name of our friend who likes you.

You mentioned his name. Phoenix’s name. And you knew how I felt about that, I told you how it made me feel. You apologized for being his friend that day I told you what was wrong but will anything change?

Then his name was mentioned again and again and again and again.

Then there were moments I felt excluded from the conversation itself. It already felt distant enough being on the phone.

Then you and our friend mentioned all these hangouts I didn’t even know you guys went on.

That was the moment it all sunk in.

It all got to me and I cried. While I was on the phone. But not so that you guys could hear.

So I told my other friend I needed to talk to her, and she found a way to get me out of the phone call so I could vent to her about everything.

Then I went camping and escaped from everything for a while.

And the day after I came back, you texted me.

You caught me up on something but you also told me you’re leaving for college on Saturday.

You ask me how I am and I tell you about camp and you start asking me all these questions like, “How long were you there?” “How was it?” “I’m glad you had fun.”

And even though the past 2 months, you’ve never asked me to hang out, I thought you would make plans with me before you left.

But you didn’t.

I saw on your social media that you talked about being booked with hangouts.

And if I wasn’t burned before, that definitely did it for me.

So…

you’re leaving for college tomorrow.

But it’s like,

you’re already gone.

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i’m sorry.

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the tears I already shed?

Will an “i’m sorry” get rid of my anxiety?

Will an “i’m sorry” make the overthinking seem ridiculous?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the moments where you weren’t there?

Will an “i’m sorry” mend a broken heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove my puffy eyes?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me change my playlist from sad to happy music?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the moments of heartbreak?

Will an “i’m sorry” erase bad times?

Will an “i’m sorry” stop my wandering mind?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the scars of my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” replace as a band-aid?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the absence you left in my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” turn a rain cloud into a sun?

Will an “i’m sorry” take too much out of you?

Will an “i’m sorry” be able to rewrite the pages?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel bad?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel stupid?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean more coming from you?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean nothing?

Will an “i’m sorry” save me?

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the pain?

Will an “i’m sorry” be something you’re capable of?

Will an “i’m sorry” make everything okay again?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me happy?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean something from you?

Will it change anything?

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