to: Lyra

When our friendship began, I was cautious. Because up to this point, many people have hurt me.

So I wasn’t about to be hurt again by another fake friend or someone who’s only my friend for a certain class period.

But then that fire drill happened and you included me. With all your friends.

And I realized… you were different.

You didn’t leave. I wasn’t a burden.

That was the day I realized I might actually have made a real friend.

The year passed by and we got to know each other more.

We found out we were exact carbon copies of each other and we flowed on the same wavelength.

We laughed at the same things, had the same humor, thought the same, felt the same, etc.
We became close.

Then we synced phone details day by day. You ended up literally everywhere on my phone… Snapchat, Twitter, messages, youtube, etc.

It was awkward at first but we fought through the barriers.

We became friends.

It was so beautiful, to be honest. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I was cautious to tell you who I liked but I wanted someone at school to know.

That day, the moment I told you, I knew I could trust you and there was no going back.

We made it through that year, our bond growing stronger.

More guy drama, more venting, more jokes, more playful hurt. Real, genuine friendship.

For the first time in a long time, I was happy.

Happy to not be scared anymore.

Happy to open up to someone new.

Happy to just be able to call you my friend.

Because you were there at every step of anything.

I don’t know why it was easy with you, it just was.

I don’t remember much of last summer.

But I know one of my highlights was that long ass phone call. I’m not gonna try to guess how long we talked, I forget.

But it was my longest phone call.

And then the new school year started.

Our senior year.

I still remember the moment I saw you after 3 months.

I don’t know how to describe it.

It was like revisiting the past by listening to an old song that you still love and isn’t overplayed. That jittery feeling in your heart comes as you remember all the words, that’s what it felt like.

I was mad at you though. Cause we never saw each other in the summer. But I wasn’t actually mad. I told you about it and made it into a joke later. My favorite part about our friendship is that I could make the hurt into jokes because no small dent could ruin this friendship.

Or, at least, that’s what I thought.

It’s funny, we still managed to see each other every day that year. Life liked us together I guess.

When I switched into bio it was like the puzzle finally fit cause I wasn’t meant to see you every other day.

But the first half of this year felt like my selfish repeat. I fell back into the feelings I thought I got rid of. That you heard me get rid of. But you were still with me every step of the way in that and our situations were the same. We were literally riding the same wave. Yeah, it was trippy but what isn’t nowadays?

The guitar concert was fun mainly because you were there. That was the day we actually went outside of school for the first time and hung out/ ate food. Being the way we are, I would’ve pointed it out to you. But for some reason, I didn’t. It seemed lame. It felt like if I said it I would ruin it.

Then you were with me through the heartbreak. We vented to each other on Christmas. With the usual 9 messages or so.

It was a good Christmas.

And when I thought about letting someone toxic go, I thought about all the people I did have and truly make me happy, and you were one of the first that came to my mind, no doubt.

Those few months were hard but you made them easy and happy.

But… he was still there because he had a small hold on you. You were still his friend. And it hurt. I tried to let it go. Sometimes it worked but then he would come around again and it was like a refresh. You could go back, but I couldn’t. But it was my heart, not yours.

I used to think if you are still friends with him, the person who broke your friend’s heart, it doesn’t take much to be your friend.

But that was fucked up. So I let that be.

We bonded over our hurricanes. One night we had our golden convos and I told you to stop overanalyzing.

Life sank in and college deadlines were approaching.

I don’t know what happened.

The gym thing definitely set it off. The day you left me alone in a gym for an hour and a half. Because you saw a cute guy with some of our other friends.

But I forgave that.

Then I sent you some songs to listen to.

And you said you would listen to them when you got home.

But days turned to weeks and nothing.

I forgave that too.

Then I was stressed about asking my dad to go away to college.

But I somehow built some kind of courage and told him.

And you know who the first person I told was?

You.

I called you up first, even though I felt distant that week, I still called you.

I was already on skype with one of our friends, but I still told you first. Impulse? I guess.

And you picked up. And you were happy for me. I tol you this was why I was distant and you said that you noticed. But the call didn’t last long because you were busy. You said you would call me back. But you didn’t.

And it’s like everything piled onto each other. All these reasons to be mad at you, even though I didn’t want to be, simmered in my mind.

It all started to hurt me.

You started to hurt me.

So the distance kept growing.

Then you stopped coming to class and only came in the last few minutes.

I was left alone. And I convinced myself you didn’t want to be near me.

My phone became your replacement for that time period.

But I didn’t want to feel this way towards you. But I just did. And I couldn’t stop it, nor could I talk to you about it. Because I didn’t want you to see me as a horrible person.

Weeks go by and I know you know I’m feeling a certain way. But you give me my space.

I start getting more feelings I can’t describe. Hurt? Jealousy? Pettiness?

I don’t care for the guys that hit on you. I start getting jealous when I see you with other friends. I take you being distracted and losing attention as a flaw.

Which is something I never used to do before but started doing.

A few weeks later and prom is coming up and we talk a bit outside about it.

We weren’t able to take pictures at homecoming because we didn’t think about it when we saw each other, but I told you we have to take pictures at prom to make up for it.

So prom day approaches.

And I see you for less than a minute. You say hi, hug me, then leave. And I don’t see you for the rest of that.

I saw ou at after prom and you scold me for not seeing you when you saw me.

And then more stuff just piles on and on to the hurt. And I tell no one about it.

I should’ve been able to tell you about it… but I was scared.

I know you love me and care about me, but your actions told my anxiety another story. 

Then our last day of high school comes and you ask me, “Are we cool?” And I never thought to answer honestly. I just say, “Yeah why?”

And up until that point, it didn’t seem like you noticed how I was feeling. But you did. Then we took pictures. I had to call and text you to ask cause I didn’t want this to be a repeat of homecoming AND prom.

But something was still missing.

So that night, I finally rant to one of my close friends about this feeling and she helped me through it.

A few days pass and you tell me you need to tell me stuff.

Graduation day comes and I’m wearing a red graduation robe but you’re wearing white so you’re on the other side of the sweat-filled, claustrophobic, not really, gym.

I still managed to see you in a face full of people though.

After coming out of the stadium place, after we graduated, I saw you.

And it’s like an instinct too over me. Because, next thing I knew, I was yelling your name, running to you, and hugging you.

And we took a picture.

And for a moment it felt like we were gonna be okay.

You asked me to send you the pictures that we took so you can post them as a part 3 to your graduation series on Instagram.

I sent them… and waited. But you never did post them.

But it’s just social media, right?

We were supposed to do this job opportunity together.

But you never got back to me.

A couple days later, you tell me that you still need to catch me up on your life.

Because as time passed, I realized I didn’t know what was going on in your life and vice versa.

Because it felt like you were living your life without me in it. And you were happy. And I didn’t want to mess with that.

Then I went through one of the most heartbreaking days of my life, my grandma passed away.

I told you about it out of the blue and you asked me if I needed to talk.

I told you I was fine.

A couple weeks later, you tell me you still need to catch me up on your life. It’s been a month since you first said that.

You needed to tell me everything in detail but you gave me a quick summary over text.

And one of the things that happened was that you told me you had your first kiss. And I didn’t know about it until you told me at that moment which was about a month later from when it happened.

And that hurt.

Then you said you had to call me for details… I want to ask you why we can’t hang out. But I never do.

A week later, you ask me how I’m doing. And then you finally ask me the monumental question:

“Are we good?”

I don’t think I can perfectly describe how conflicting my whole being became at that moment. It would be so easy to tell you, of course, we’re good. But it would feel so damn good to get this feeling off my chest, whatever it was.

I spent the whole night thinking about it and the following morning.

Then I started typing a message in my notes and I would decide, in the end, if I would send it to you or not.

I typed all of the above in that message. I wrote out my whatever this hurt feeling is. I told you I wanted you to be happy.

I decided that I would send it. And I did.

You read it immediately as I sent it.

And you sent me a bunch of paragraphed messages back.

In summary, you told me you understood how I was feeling, you’re sorry, and you want me to come to you if I ever feel that way again.

You told me you noticed at the jump, that I was feeling distant, but you didn’t want to bother me and you thought I would come to you when I was ready.

I told you I thought because you didn’t talk to me about it, you didn’t notice.

Each of our perspectives on it basically clashed with each other and we realized that we should’ve just talked an communicated with each other.

And for the first time, in a long time, I felt like a weight was completely off my shoulders.

And it felt like everything was going to go back to normal.

Then after apologizing for a few days to each other, you told me for the third or fourth time, you needed to catch me up on your life.

And this time, I actually wanted to hear what was happening without feeling weird.

But I was still cautious.

You started sending me messages on Instagram again.

It still felt uneasy to me.

Then weeks past and you still haven’t got back to me.

On the first day of this month, you get back to me and say it’s been a while. I tell you I’m ready to hear it all. But I’m not.

I’m not ready to talk on the phone with you.

Because for the first time, I get anxiety talking to you on the phone.

But I think, it’s gonna pass.

I miss your call. So I call you back and the tone of your voice… I knew that tone too well.

You were gonna say you were busy. I took less than 20 minutes to call you back. But you were busy.

You were talking to someone else on the phone and you said you would call me back in 30 minutes.

There’s a part of me that’s sceptic about that. But we had that whole conversation and I thought you would change.

But nothing changed.

You told me who you were on the phone with and you got carried away and I told you I was going to bed (it was midnight) and it was okay. Another day, right?

So a weekend goes by and you tell me you were busy.

You call me on a Monday. And it feels like it did before.

Because you really have been living your own life. Things happened to you I didn’t know about. People came in your life didn’t even know about. Friends you grew close to this year knew more about your life than I did. And that hurt because you used to tell me the moment of.

But half of that is m fault because I was too in my head.

I end the call because I have to go to my aunt’s house. But I tell you I’m gonna call you back.

And I do.

And you’re on your way to the library to meet up with one of our friends. To talk about one of our other friends liking you.

Which is what you had to talk to me about. So you kept me on the phone so we all could listen and talk about it.

But why did I have to be on the phone? I wasn’t doing anything that day. You knew that. But I don’t know…

I listen to the story quietly then listen as you ask questions to the other friend who knew more about the story.

Then you mentioned his name.

No, not the name of our friend who likes you.

You mentioned his name. Phoenix’s name. And you knew how I felt about that, I told you how it made me feel. You apologized for being his friend that day I told you what was wrong but will anything change?

Then his name was mentioned again and again and again and again.

Then there were moments I felt excluded from the conversation itself. It already felt distant enough being on the phone.

Then you and our friend mentioned all these hangouts I didn’t even know you guys went on.

That was the moment it all sunk in.

It all got to me and I cried. While I was on the phone. But not so that you guys could hear.

So I told my other friend I needed to talk to her, and she found a way to get me out of the phone call so I could vent to her about everything.

Then I went camping and escaped from everything for a while.

And the day after I came back, you texted me.

You caught me up on something but you also told me you’re leaving for college on Saturday.

You ask me how I am and I tell you about camp and you start asking me all these questions like, “How long were you there?” “How was it?” “I’m glad you had fun.”

And even though the past 2 months, you’ve never asked me to hang out, I thought you would make plans with me before you left.

But you didn’t.

I saw on your social media that you talked about being booked with hangouts.

And if I wasn’t burned before, that definitely did it for me.

So…

you’re leaving for college tomorrow.

But it’s like,

you’re already gone.

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i’m sorry.

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the tears I already shed?

Will an “i’m sorry” get rid of my anxiety?

Will an “i’m sorry” make the overthinking seem ridiculous?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the moments where you weren’t there?

Will an “i’m sorry” mend a broken heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove my puffy eyes?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me change my playlist from sad to happy music?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the moments of heartbreak?

Will an “i’m sorry” erase bad times?

Will an “i’m sorry” stop my wandering mind?

Will an “i’m sorry” remove the scars of my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” replace as a band-aid?

Will an “i’m sorry” fix the absence you left in my heart?

Will an “i’m sorry” turn a rain cloud into a sun?

Will an “i’m sorry” take too much out of you?

Will an “i’m sorry” be able to rewrite the pages?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel bad?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me feel stupid?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean more coming from you?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean nothing?

Will an “i’m sorry” save me?

Will an “i’m sorry” take away the pain?

Will an “i’m sorry” be something you’re capable of?

Will an “i’m sorry” make everything okay again?

Will an “i’m sorry” make me happy?

Will an “i’m sorry” mean something from you?

Will it change anything?

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deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

movies and life.

You know how in movies the main character always has that moment of darkness?

Everyone has given up on them that they want to give up themselves. They don’t see a point in trying anymore because it’s become useless.

They start to give in to the darkness of their emotions when something happens.

They become hopeful again and start to believe in themselves again.

It’s like a newfound sense of courage has kicked in.

And they can’t rest until they can redeem themselves and bring hope and light to the world again.

They no longer feel helpless.

I guess movies like this aren’t very reliable because life is more complex than this. You’re gonna have more than one hopeless moment in your life. That’s hard to stray away from.

Also, the main character is kind of “known for” being a badass and saving the world and being capable of saving it.

But in most of these movies, these characters have a “special power,” be it, magical or non-magical. They could have super strength, be a wizard, have something come out of their hands.

And it makes you feel like a little kid watching these movies because you want to be the one fighting your toughest battles with ice powers or speed. Because it’s so freaking cool.

And for a moment…

Just a mere moment, you believe in the impossible.

I’m not only talking about the impossibility (or possibility) of these powers.

I’m talking about the possibility of unfailing hope and utter happiness.

You believe for a moment that you’re capable of being brave like them too.

There’s this feeling of adrenaline rush after finishing a good movie where all is well at the end. Because it gives you hope.

It makes you feel capable of what the main character is doing, and that is making sure all is well at the end.

Nowadays, I’m just looking for that “special power,” I’m waiting for my beacon of hope.

Because sometimes it feels like I’m taking 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.

I want that moment of when something will change my life, my perspective. Not only for a night or a week. But for the rest of my life.

I don’t want to revert to the person I used to be anymore. I want to be safe in the present.

I want that breaking point of “I can do this because of …”

I want that moment in life where I accept being me and I know my purpose.

That’s my ultimate goal.

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2017 Lessons

I know, I know. I kinda keep disappearing. But I’ve been doing this post at the end of the year since I started this blog and who would I be to break tradition?

So, are you ready?

Here’s what I’ve learned this year:

  • Yes, change hurts. But in the end, it really is good for you.
    • At the beginning of this year, I remember the transition of my first semester of my junior year into the second semester was really heartbreaking. Because I made really good friends first semester that I had to say goodbye to. The worst thing was when I had the same class, same teacher, same period… but it was different because no one that I knew was there. It was like a trippy alternate dimension. The change of that was really hard to get over. But by the time second semester, I had so many good friends that I love and trust. It was heartbreaking change but in the end, it was fine.
  • Things aren’t in your control. It’s not your fault.
    • I remember I used to blame myself because of this one situation that involved my best friend. I didn’t go with her somewhere and she got hurt emotionally. I blamed myself because I didn’t go with her. But it’s not my fault. Things happen the way they do to others (ex. your family, friends, etc.) because they have lessons life is teaching them too. You aren’t God. It’s not in your hands. It’s not your fault.
  • Once you take a jump, it gets easier.
    • I BEGAN TO DRIVE ON THE ROAD AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR. And look at me now, I drove a van packed with my friends. We went on the freeway… twice. I used to be petrified of driving and now it’s better. I still get freaked here and there I’m not an A+ driver. But I don’t get too anxious anymore.
  • Friendships don’t last forever. And that’s okay. Nothing lasts forever.
    • This one, I had to learn the hard way. And the worst part is, it wasn’t only one occurrence. I lost a good amount of friendships this year. I’m still struggling with the “don’t blame yourself” part. Because I still do that. But it takes two to make a friendship (or more if we’re talking about a group friendship). If you’ve done all you could, cared so much for them and they didn’t feel the same way about you… what can you do? If it feels like you’re a weight to someone, make it easier for them. Sometimes cutting people out is for the best. If someone was holding onto your legs as you tried to fly wouldn’t you shake them off? Save the caring for someone who deserves it and will treat you better. It’s not your fault. Sometimes, the best things come back to us. And if they don’t, it’s not what was best for our lives.
  • Parents don’t do certain things to spite you.
    • I’ve understood more about parents, not only mine but others. Sometimes it seems like parents are punishing us more so than loving us and wanting us to be happy. But sometimes they just want to see us safe, they want us to achieve higher. But never doubt that your parents want you to be happy. More than anything.
  • Choose happiness.
    • This is the phrase I uttered over and over the other day when I was in one of my holes. To be honest, it was hard not being dragged into a darker tunnel but somehow that phrase made it easier. No, it’s not easy to choose happiness when your mind is involved. But happiness doesn’t take one easy step. A lifetime of difficult for a lifetime of happiness.
  • You can be wrong about someone.
    • Also learned this one the hard way. You might feel like you know a person, you might’ve even started to get to know them and think you have their mentality figured out. Then they pull the rug out from under you and leave you lost. Someone doesn’t stay the same way forever. The person who used to give you incomparable happiness can become the person who gives you the worst overthinking.
  • Don’t base your worth on numbers.
    • You are worth more than a number. If you were a number, you would be infinity. Because measly numbers can’t define your worth and the amazing person that you are.
  • God is always with me (Religious lesson)
    • I know, not everyone here is religious but this is my own personal lesson. I had to keep reminding myself that even in my lowest places, God was there to pick me up. And he wouldn’t give me life just to see me want to die.
  • Don’t let opinions make you mad.
    • Everyone has a personal opinion. They have their own beliefs, rights, etc. Don’t fight someone on theirs. Try to see it from their point of view and don’t be angry about it. We wouldn’t all be who we were if we weren’t different from each other.
  • It’s not cliché to love yourself.
    • It’s actually the best love you can have. How do you expect to love someone else if you can’t even love the person staring back at you?
  • Yes, anxiety can ruin a relationship but the other person should be able to understand.
    • If they don’t, don’t keep them in your life. It only becomes a burden trying to make them understand something that goes over their head.
  • Hurt and pain is a part of life.
    • I wouldn’t know what joy would be like without strife. I wouldn’t be humble. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But it’s going to hurt for the better.
  • Hope isn’t hopeless.
    • You can rise. Even out of your darkest moments. The rain can’t last forever.
  • YOU will always be your biggest fan.
    • No one will ever support you more than yourself. You’re your own number one fan and worst enemy. You’re the only person who knows what’s going on in your life. All your stress, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your everything. Don’t hate the one person who can and will always love you no matter what.
  • The impossible is possible.
    • I had so much anxiety over college applications and not being accepted into the colleges I want to go to. But guess what! I got accepted into all the colleges I wanted to go to. I had intense anxiety for nothing. It is possible.
  • Everything can change in a mere day.
    • So much can happen. Don’t be dragged into a cycle because the unexpected can jump out at you.
  • Emotions aren’t weak.
    • They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.
  • It’s not wimpy to scream.
    • If you need help, tell someone. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength. It shows that you want to get help and want to be taken out of the current state you’re in. People don’t always have the best time reading signs.
  • Don’t read into signs/signals.
    • Signs/signals do not come out of the person’s mouth, they come out of your mind’s presence involving the situation. Do not solely build your beliefs on signals. Sometimes a person can be fake and your mind can be wrong.
  • You can’t open up to everyone.
    • And that’s okay. The people you can open up to will be there for you.
  • Words don’t make a person, actions do.
    • Woh, I big thing I learned this year is that someone can say a ton of bullshit that means so much to you that actually has no meaning for the other person. Words are great. But they aren’t reliable, how they treat you with their actions is what’s important. Remember, people can put on such a facade when they’re texting you.
  • A setback doesn’t have to be a setback.
    • I remember one time, my friend and I were supposed to go see a school play. So we went to school Saturday night but the tickets were sold out. So instead we went to get dinner and we went to my friend’s house and watched a movie. The setback actually seemed better than our ordinary plans. Sometimes a setback can be a path for another opportunity.
  • The future isn’t scary.
    • This year alone, I applied to college(s), got my license, took the SAT, became a senior and turned 18. Growing up seems scary but it’ll be okay.
  • If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.
    • Does this need an explanation? Even if you tell them they’ve been hurting you they’ll continue to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional.
  • Don’t blame yourself for your emotions/feelings.
    • You’re only human.
  • Fighting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
    • Fighting for your life is so hard. But think about the end result.
  • Yes, you can talk to that person
    • Whether it be your crush or an authority figure. I remember before this year I was so scared of my counselor. I never said a word to him and never visited him. But I’ve actually talked to him more than once this year and it isn’t as bad as my mind concocted. He helped me with my schedule and made sure that my doubts about the college process were dealt with.
  • Something can mean so much to you, but not to the other person.
    • And that’s okay. It only makes you who you are.
  • Don’t put others on a high pedestal if they don’t deserve to be there.
    • Save it for someone who deserves it and is worthy of it.
  • Anxiety can be worked through.
    • I took small steps to conquer my anxiety. It wasn’t anything big that was able to take it away but it was little things. They might not be life-changers but trust me, once you took a small step to conquer it, you’ll feel amazing after it’s done.
  • You can move on from moments of deep darkness.
    • You can. It won’t be easy but no one ever said it would be. It takes time to heal scars but it’s okay, you’re not alone.
  • Don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself.
    • If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?Don’t stay just to be burned.
  • You don’t have to be “chill” all the time.
    • If something utterly pisses you off, let it piss you off.
  • Love is more than just blood.
    • I realized this year that family is just a title if the love isn’t really there. Love is love. It shouldn’t be because you happen to be related and share the same blood.
  • IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO SOMEONE SAY IT. DON’T PLAY NO GAMES.
    • This year, I told my crush I liked him. It was the first time I did something like that. I honestly couldn’t have done it if my friends weren’t there for me. But I literally went through a year of feelings for nothing. I could’ve told him the truth sooner. It could’ve saved SO MUCH time. So trust me, if you have something to say to someone say it. People don’t really read signs all that well. Life is too damn short, yes I’m saying that cliche. But really, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll make it through.
  • You are enough and you don’t need a significant other to prove that.
    • No explanation for this one either.

That’s all! That’s probably not all the lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones from my blog this year. And I’m gonna copyright myself from last year when I say this but: Remember that even though it might seem like 2018 can’t get here fast enough (it’s already here lol), remember the experiences that have made you different from the person you were in 2016. Yes, 2016. Ew. Remember that year? Lol. Dang, that’s 2 years now, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I do that.

Happy new year guys! Cheers to us for making it through!

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poem: pretty girl trying.

10.20.17

Pretty girl trying

Twirling around

Flowers in her hair

Wants to be found

No one to call

No one to look for

All she has left

Is a scar on her big toe

Making use of the time she has left

Pretty girl trying

Jumping over cracks

Grass on her sleeves

Wants to look tough

No stars to wish on

No wishbones to break

Just a cloud to hope for

While she washes away

Tell me your story

Give me something new

So that the pretty girl trying

Isn’t the only one who feels like dying

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