Am I a Good Driver?

I’m sensitive when it comes to my driving.

Driving is basically a skill.

I’ve been practicing this skill for 2 and a half? years now.

I would say I’m pretty good and I have DEFINITELY improved.

No one really taught me how to parallel park or reverse park into a specific driveway (like the one I have) I learned that on my own (with the help of my non-driving cousin) so I would say that’s an achievement.

And as you become a driver, a lot of new anxieties come to play.

And there are so many different ranges of anxieties that I’m just gonna focus on one today…

Driving other people/friends.

So as I started out this post: “I’m sensitive when it comes to driving.”

I mean, think about it, you don’t wanna be that driver that NO ONE wants to drive with, in the car.

If it were that way, it’s like they’re doubting your ability or taking away shreds of your achievements.

So storytime…

I have this friend who I drive with sometimes.

She’s actually the only person, apart from my cousin, I’ve driven alone with (my parents recently let me drive alone).

Whenever I drive and she’s in the passenger seat, it’s chill. There was actually one time I was getting out of the parking lot and I noticed I got better at driving and I said it out loud and she was like “You did!”

But then the next day or a couple days later if we’re with other people or something and she tells them that I drove she’ll say “We almost crashed.” And she’ll say it in a way that our other friends will believe her.

I didn’t take it in a bad way… until she said it every time we drove together.

And then today, I was talking to her on the phone. I was saying how she needs to get her license soon and that I’ve actually never seen her drive. And then she says: At least I know I’m better than you. (Or something along those lines I don’t remember word for word whoopsss, trust me, I’m credible)

That, of course, hurt.

But I let it go.

But of course, now those words want to haunt me as I’m trying to go to bed. These overwhelming thoughts sure do love to come at the perfect time!!!

And now it’s the only words I can replay over and over in my brain.

Now you see why I’m sensitive about my driving?

Because it’s something I’ve worked hard on.

My driving instructors all fell asleep while teaching me to drive because they had nothing more to teach me at the time and the only thing keeping me away from a license was the 1 and a half year time limit.

I had to be taught driving by my Indian father who tends to scream and get anxious… A LOT. So the fact that he only maybe screams three times whenever I drive nowadays, is an accomplishment.

I once drove 2 hours on the highway going from state to state because my parents needed me too.

All this hard work makes me a good driver.

So why am I doubting myself because of one friend’s opinion? (Or they may be jokes, I don’t know my sensitive side is speaking)

Maybe it’s because not only my opinion matters. The opinion of others matter too.

It’s like when you make food.

You’re biased to your own concoction. But when you ask others to taste it, that’s when your credibility comes in.

That’s when you can say “I make great egg fried rice!” (And yes my egg fried rice is the bomb, but notttt the pointtt)

I’m trying to figure out something hopeful to say to wrap this whole post up (you know, the Rebecca trademark) but I honestly don’t know how to end without sounding biased or something.

I don’t know. I mean it was only a couple of months ago before my parents let me drive where, whenever I drove, I would pinpoint certain things I did that I had to improve. I still sort of do that, but since I drive longer than 10 minutes now it’s not something I dwell on like I did so much back then.

Driving is just really… complex.

Some of us drive, some of us don’t.

Some of us are skilled, some of us need more practice (which isn’t a bad thing).

And some of us get offended of other people’s critiques, and some of us don’t (which I really envy).

But that’s just life.

I’m not gonna ultimately stop driving just because my friend says this stuff. Maybe they are just jokes and I’m taking them lightly because I worked hard to be at a good level.

Whatever it is, the great thing about life is that none of us are masters of anything. Not even anything we love or study. We learn something new every day. There’s new information that comes up and is discovered every day. We’re constantly learning and growing.

And as long as we allow ourselves to learn and grow, that’s something no one can ever make us feel bad about.

So don’t.

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2019: step by step

Maybe I should lecture people on how to make extravagant “I’m back” posts. Since I seem to make them a lot.

Hi, if you don’t remember me, I’m Rebecca aka hopelesslystrong.

Let’s see the last time I wrote a post was… October. 4 months ago.

Well, since then… Yes, I’m still in college.

Haven’t let yet. (I’m just kidding about the yet)

I’m in my second semester.

It’s 2019, guys.

I turned 19 in December.

And both of those are still hard to believe.

You know, when I started this year, I didn’t start “anew.”

Honestly, it felt kinda dumb to me to start “anew” because it didn’t really feel like anything was really changing for me. It was just another day as the new year came along.

I was done trying to be that person who had all these resolutions and this “New year, new me” mantra. Maybe it works for you. But I didn’t want to fool myself.

Last year, at this time, I definitely HAD to start new because a certain situation in my life forced me to. And that situation definitely helped me grow into a beautiful me.

But what about this year?

What’s going to happen?

Honestly, I’m not in a great place.

Maybe that’s why I came back.

Usually, I call my bad place my “hole of darkness.”

And I’ve been here for about 6 days, which is a long time for me.

It’s like, every day this past week there was something to bring me down. Nothing was really helping, not like I was looking for things to help me. I just sort of “expected” life to be like “Hey, let’s give her a break.”

But of course, that didn’t happen.

I was lost. I am lost.

I’ve been shaky with my faith for the past week.

And it did make me feel very alone. Because I blamed someone I believed in and I didn’t believe in them for a second. And it’s hard to un-believe for a second when your belief is all around your life.

I’ve been reckless this week.

Because I disregarded my belief in the hope that life would throw me a curveball.

What was I thinking?

I’m still unsure about a lot.

Still anxious.

Still sad.

But I’m hoping that I’ll continue to use my blog as a way to channel these feelings because I really do miss writing. Without making blog posts every week, it’s like I don’t have the inspiration to write anything unless it’s an essay or for a scholarship. And I hate that. Because at that point, I’m forcing it out of me, and that’s probably why I get B’s and don’t get accepted into said scholarships. Because it’s missing the passion I used to have for this. And I want to try again.

I want to take that step to feel better about myself and my life.

Because when I started this blog during my sophomore year of high school, I used it as a way to finally have a voice and to be seen. I did and I was. But most importantly, I used it because I was lost and broken.

I don’t want to be that anymore.

So, be patient with me.

Hopefully, this isn’t like every infamous “I’m back” post I make and I actually am back.

But as of right now…

2019 is the year I take everything step by step.

I can’t see the future right now.

But I’m not skipping steps cause it’s not who I am. (I don’t understand people who can take 2 steps at a time like how)

Hopefully, you’ll join me on my journey and I’ll be there for yours too!

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m o r e.

Have you ever seen those tweets where it says “The best kind of friendships are the ones where you could be gone for a year or not talk to each other for a long time and things will still be good between the both of you?”

(This is a summarization of those tweets, I forgot what it said word-by-word.

Is it weird that I wouldn’t be able to do this?

Maybe you’ll tell me I don’t know the feeling yet cause I just got out of high school and into college so my friends haven’t started their individual lives yet.

But my anxiety makes it so that anyone who stops talking to me doesn’t want to associate themselves with me anymore.

Does that make me petty?

Does my anxiety make it so that the tweet above can’t be something I can ever do?

I mean maybe I could. I might be able to trust it with my two childhood friends but one always makes sure to update me and the other, I see all the time.

So I’m not sure I could ever do what’s said above.

Does that make me any less human?

Is it something I have to accept?

Should I apologize for needing consistency?

Okay, I’m not talking about day-to-day updates… that’s too much for a person to uphold.

But at least a check in once in a while making sure the other person is okay.

That’s understandable, right?

Maybe my anxiety is to blame.

If there is a blame.

It’s just, I overthink too much, a doubt in my head is the last thing I want.

At least someone I know will be there at the end of the day if I ever need anything.

Someone I could tell all my fears to and they won’t judge me.

Someone who doesn’t “ghost” themselves for unknown reasons.

Like I understand busy.

I’ve been busy.

I am busy.

But too busy to check in?

And then to have months and months to pass by and still hear nothing?

I wouldn’t be able to vibe with that, I’m sorry.

I would need more.

And that’s just who I am.

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deep thoughts: crying

Have you ever cried where the thing that set you off isn’t actually the reason you’re bawling your eyes out?

Let me explain…

A couple of days ago, I cried when something happened.

At the time, I knew I was crying for a stupid reason.

The thing I was crying about was a misunderstanding and I had a feeling someone would help me out and they did.

But I still bawled over this stupid reason.

Myself, knowing, that it was in fact stupid.

I kept crying.

In fact I just laid in bed crying and thinking while listening to music.

Where’s the part where I make a point?

Don’t worry I’m getting there.

I realized that I wasn’t crying over what happened…

I was crying over things that accumulated in my mind that I never really cried over.

I thought about all my demons from the past few days and how they’ve been eating away at my mind.

Even things that aren’t true or have any indication of being true, because that’s what anxiety does to you.

It eats away at your brain.

And suddenly I wasn’t crying over one thing, but so many other things.

It wasn’t like a good cry… is there such a thing?

It was like a dark, “I’m gonna go crawl in my hole” kind of cries. Because I really thought I was gonna go back to that 16 year old version of me who only felt insecure and worthless. She’s made only a few appearances this year (which is an achievement). But I didn’t revert to her.

The next day, I was actually really happy. I spent a day with my friends and I was okay.

I just think I needed to cry.

I needed to let it all out.

I just needed a moment to not pretend that I was okay and that everything was good.

Because it’s okay accepting that things aren’t okay.

And it’s always okay to cry. Who said it wasn’t?

It’s good to cry, it means you’re not holding anything in.

So maybe sometimes we don’t cry because of what just happened or because of one solid reason.

Maybe we cry when our “This is enough” gauge gets full.

Maybe we cry when everything becomes too much.

Maybe we cry when we don’t know what else to do.

Maybe we cry just to cry.

11.22.17 Ice Skating… Never Again

So why don’t we start with a positive story?

I was still kinda posting when this happened but I never wrote about it.

So this day was a half day because it was the day of Thanksgiving break. So my friends and I made a plan to go ice skating, and you know how in those high school movies there’s always that cliche hangout place that they have? Well, ours is downtown. Literally, anything is Downtown. You can’t go Downtown without seeing someone from school. All the teenagers go there to hang out. Well, Downtown has an ice skating rink. So we planned to go ice skating.

But like every teenager plan, this one wasn’t thought out completely. It was a last minute thing. So most of us were on edge whether we should go or not.

I went. One of our friends said she would go home first then come. Most of us went. Since it was a half day our lunch period was the last period of the day so we could just roam around the school. But one of our friend’s had classes during the last period so instead of getting on the bus Downtown we waited for her so she wouldn’t come on the bus alone.

When her class ended she went to the bus stop and we went to go meet up with her. So the funny thing is, she’s Phoenix’s best friend. If you don’t know who Phoenix is (click here) but I’m not friends with her because of that. She’s actually really chill and sweet. Since this was a few days after I told him I liked him, she asked me how it went. She was really sweet about the whole thing and helped me with my overthinking that day.

The bus took like 10 minutes to come. But two of my friends didn’t make it on and the bus driver was like wait for the next one. But our friend has this pact “No man left behind” so if they went out we all had to go out and wait for the next bus altogether. It’s a really sweet pact that they established before my best friend and I became part of the group.

So my friends and I just sat on the bus bench talking. We laughed a lot. I’m so blessed to have the friends that I have. I am also blessed to be short lol. This is one of the instances. Because two of my friends didn’t mind that I was putting my feet in one’s lap and resting my head on the other’s shoulder. Literally, they didn’t mind. Those are friends lol. Then another bus came after 20 minutes and it was crowded too. But we all made it on.

I didn’t plan on ice skating because I was sick and spending time outside really wasn’t the move for me. My other friend didn’t plan on ice skating either cause she was traumatized by it (her best friend cut his face with the blade once) so we went to chipotle together and our other friends decided to go to the ice skating place first. We both shared one burrito to save money lol.

After we both ate, we met our friends at the skating rink. They were lacing up their skates and told us that it would cost 14 bucks to skate. Fourteen. Well, I am like an influenced submisser (new world). If my friends persuade me enough, I will agree to literally anything. They don’t even have to do much. I honestly don’t know what even happened but it worked. I think my submissive influenced my traumatized friend to submit too.

Ok tying the laces was its’ own challenge in itself. My friend had to help me out. Our friends already started skating for 20 minutes before the both of us got there too.

Let me tell you… I knew I was gonna fall. But I didn’t know I was gonna fall the second I got on the ice.

Yes, you read that right. I fell the second I got on the ice. Sooner better than later, right? Lol blame it on my experienced skater friend, she said she got me but she did not have me.

She was the only one out of us who knew how to skate. Our other two friends were learning while holding onto the rail. I was struggling. Being on the ice is scary. It’s definitely not like roller skating. Cause… I don’t know ice is scarier. It’s already cold and the blades don’t really have a grip unless your feet are in the right position.

Dude, it’s even hard walking on the mat thing before getting on the ice. But once you get off the ice and onto the mat you realize it’s easier. But yeah I was struggling.

I was the slowest out of all my friends lol, I didn’t know how to ice skate but I got a little faster by the end.

I took a lot of breaks lol but I still had a lot of fun. Even though it felt like the 14 dollars was a scam. I paid 14 dollars for my suffering…

I think if we go ice skating another time I’ll be just like our other friend who came and just walked outside the rink with us cause she didn’t want to skate.

But yeah, the friends I made are actually friends. I have my own friend group and they’ve really been helping me. They’re the reason why this one certain thing (that story is coming soon PROMISE) isn’t getting to me because the happiness I experience with them is greater than any other happiness I was expecting out of that certain story and I’m just so grateful.

I’m grateful for all of the fake friends and bad relationships I’ve been through. Because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know the happiness of having friends would feel like. I wouldn’t be as grateful for the happiness if I didn’t go through the darkness first.

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2018: roses.

Am I posting consistently? Idk but that’s what it looks likeee.

Let’s not jinx it lol.

So today’s post was gonna be a story but before I tell the stories of what’s been going on in the past 2 months I wanted to just talk about what 2018 means to me.

It’s weird that this is going to be my starting post since the stories I have to tell you guys are mostly stories before 2018 began. But I think the mentality I have in 2018 will explain where I stand concerning the stories.

Confused yet? It’s okay I would be too.

So yesterday, when I said that when 2018 began it was like I opened a new book… I honestly wasn’t kidding. The minute 2018 began it’s like I could begin fresh. I could start over. I didn’t have to excuse the same crap I used to. I didn’t have to let fake people in anymore if I didn’t want to. I could stop talking to people who gave me anxiety.

Starting a new year was a regular cliche for me. It was as if I started being a new person.

Last year, I was obsessed with the moon. I mean I’ve always loved the moon. I started to put the little moon emoji on all of my social media accounts next to my name. The moon kind of became my icon.

But recently, I’ve been really obsessed with roses. Idk why lol.

I still love the moon- don’t get me wrong.

But as weird as this sounds, I think a rose describes the situation I’m in.

You’ll know more about that situation in probably a few days.

But for now, I’ll tell you that I had to let in this pain that I didn’t want to let in and I had to feel it and then choose to be happy.

I don’t know something about a rose… roses are just so beautiful but so deceiving at the same time.

Deceiving as in they’re pretty but they have thorns.

Like even with the thorns, the scars, it’s still beautiful. Through all the walls it might keep up, it’s still beautiful and it still grows.

Plus it might be because red is my favorite color lol.

So for 2018, I’ve been contributing my year so far to a rose.

The rose symbolizes my healing process.

It indicated that I chose to live…

that I chose happiness.

And I can make it through even when sometimes I don’t want to.

One of my favorite YouTubers has this clothing line with hoodies that have the phrase “good enough” with guess what by the words? A rose.

And on the pocket of the hoodie, it has the words “Growth begins with accepting yourself as enough.”

If that doesn’t scare you yet, he said this when posting about a re-stock of the hoodies: “Be yourself and know that that’s good enough.”

And that’s basically the mental state my mind has been in since the year started.

I want to be good enough, I want to accept myself, I don’t want to depend on someone else to tell me my worth.

I’m good enough.

That’s something I’ve been working on in 2018.

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stay tuned.

Let me be honest with you guys…

I honestly don’t know where this blog is headed.

In the past, I’ve used this blog as a platform for my feelings and thoughts.

But I haven’t used it in a long time.. because I don’t really need it anymore.

Why?

Because I have friends who I can honestly vent to.

I didn’t have that in the past.

But I do now.

But this blog… I don’t want to give up on it cause it’s a piece of me.

It’s been my rock sometimes when I’ve wanted to give up.

Basically it was the one thing I held onto sophomore year.

I’m not capable of giving up on it.

But you know, life gets in the way sometimes.

But I don’t want to use the excuse of time because there are moments where I’m free and bored when I could be doing something productive like working on my music or writing a blog post *cough cough*

But you know those days when you don’t have inspiration or feel like you have nothing to say?

I’ve felt like that.

But boy, do I have a BUNCH of stories for you guys. I’ve learned so much in the past 2 months.

And one of the reasons I made this blog is to be able to look back at who I was and see how much I’ve grown.

I’ve found out who’s really there for me, how other people can have other intentions, how nothing lasts forvever, how choosing to be happy and focusing on the positive can change your life for the better.

Starting 2018 was really like opening a new book for me. I’m not letting the old bullshit get to me. I’m working on myself.

And yes, I’m not happy all the time. I still go into my depressive hole for reasons I don’t understand sometimes. But I’ve learned it’s okay when that happens. Because I might need to feel the rain first before the sunshine.

So lol where am I going with this?

I just wanna say that no, I haven’t given up on this blog and stories are coming soon that I need to type out. But no promises because nothing is sure and let’s be honest, I get distracted and lazy lol.

But we’ll see, okay?

How are you guys doing? Any stories?

If anyone wants to contact me or anything let me know, I’m more active outside my blog and I’ll love to catch up.

But yes, stay tuned!