storytime & feelings: watching the clouds with you.

So even though things have been all kinds of confusing with Phoenix considering that I have feelings for him and he tends to “lose focus,” we hung out last week Tuesday for the second time.

Honestly, the moments/minutes leading up to the hang out were not very pleasant. I told him that I was free anytime in the afternoon, but we never really confirmed a time, he just told me he had to leave the hang out before 4. He told me that he would text me when he left the house. This was around 12 noon. I took a quick shower and anxiously asked my dad if I could go to the library with my friend (because that’s where we were meeting up). I was really surprised when my dad said yes because he didn’t ask about my friend (or the gender of my friend). Because my dad is Indian, and ya know if I told him I was hanging out with a guy… I would never hear the end of it. But he didn’t ask me so I was in the clear.

But 2 hours passed and now I’m not sure if Phoenix is gonna cancel on me again because he hasn’t told me if he left and he left my message on read. It made me stressed out and anxious. Not only because of him, but my dad needed me to scan a whole bunch of documents… and he asked me literally the minute before he had to leave for work. So I had to do that and then I decided to text him and ask, “Did you leave yet?” I wouldn’t have texted him first but I was really stressed and I didn’t care anymore so I just sent the text.

He texted back and told me that he did leave and I should leave the house too. So I was in a literal rush now. And also, I almost forgot this. I texted my friend telling her I needed help. I was going to ask her if wearing a skirt sent the wrong signal. Yes, I am a girl and I don’t need to send him anything yet because not even a few days ago this same boy pissed me off to no end with his excuse of why he canceled on me last week (which her didn’t give me until 3 days later.  He left me clueless as to why we didn’t hang out). She texted me when I was trying to rush out of the house, scanning the last document… so that makes it 3 things that rushed me. She told me no skirts and I tried to reason with her that skirts are my casual style. But then she convinced me to wear shorts, and honestly (but don’t tell her this lol) I felt more comfortable in shorts.

So then I left the house and my mom dropped me off at the library.  I remember that my heart was beating really fast and palpitating because I sent my friend a text that said, “My heart is doing trippy things.” My mom pulls up to the curb and I get out. I don’t know where he is but I know that he’s there. I walk up to the library (it’s a HUGE library) and the whole area is this downtown shopping area so there are stores and people all around. I don’t know why but I turn around, maybe to see if my mom left or to see if I could find him. I didn’t actually expect him to be walking up to me. Lol I would like to think that life owes me a favor where I could at least see him before he saw me. I think he saw me getting out of the car *facepalms* which is greaaatttt because I accidentally opened the car door too far and hit a mini grass hill.

So when I turned around for a second, he was coming down these stairs and he was smirking. I didn’t realize what was happening, that he was actually walking up to me and this was actually happening until 2 seconds later. Lol for those 2 seconds I was walking to who knows where. When the realization came I was like “Woah wait where are you going? He’s walking up to you Rebecca.” So I waited for him to meet me at the bottom of this little ramp thing that he was walking down. Ugh feelings, here I come.

*A very detailed, explanatory story follows ahead which is then followed by an analysis of my feelings and thoughts. Proceed with caution.*

As soon as he walked up to me, he smiled and my mind was like “This is actually happening.” He told me that he was going to take me to a park but we walked to an ATM to get some money first and he asked me to be his bodyguard lol. And I was like, “I should just let them rob you.” Then we walked through downtown for a bit because he had to go break some change. It was funny because we walked to a 7-11 and he asked them for change and they didn’t have any. I didn’t hear the conversation he had with the cashier but I thought the cashier was getting him money because he just stood there for a few seconds but then he said, “Let’s go.” And I was like, “Wait what happened?” He told me they didn’t have any change and then I questioned why he stood there for two extra seconds. He was like, “I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it” lol that was funny.

It was weird because I swear, as soon as I got out of the car these rain droplets started falling, but it was still pretty sunny. The last time we hung out it was raining, so we had to go to the library. Then last week he canceled on me because it was raining and he wanted to hang out outdoors. And I pointed this out to him and we joked about it. But hmm is that a sign?

We walked to the park. There were other teenagers there sitting on benches next to a playground. I guess they were from our school because he said he knew them from his class but he didn’t know them know them. He didn’t want to sit there and I didn’t want to sit there because ew teenagers lol (Yes, I am fully aware that I am a teenager lol, but these were supposedly teenagers from my school ew).

So we sat on these playground chairs in the middle of the playground. These were playground chairs, so they were cramped and there were two sets of these chairs. One was on the ground level (which I could reach), the other one was up higher and you had to get to it by climbing on the ground level set. He wanted to sit up there and I didn’t mind. But being a small person (and a PROUD one at that lol) he had to lift me up… Yeah… Honestly, I have to admit that the way he lifted me up was really weird. This chair consisted of two chairs connected to each other. So he laid down on the chairs, they were like u-shaped chillax chairs— they curved so you could lay down and like look at the clouds. But I sat next to him while he laid down (I was facing him) and we just talked about what we’ve been up to so far and how life’s been and other small stuff. Then a little girl wanted to sit on the chairs so we moved.

We moved to the benches (the other teens left) and talked some more. Someone called him and he talked in his native language and it was honestly so cool. Then we talked about the languages our families speak in. Which then made him ask me to say some words in my language, but I was embarrassed because I don’t talk in my parent’s native language, I just understand and listen to them because I only talk in English. So I was self-conscious of saying words wrong because I have no Indian accent whatsoever (it’s sad). But, he was literally so sweet. He was like “So what? I don’t even know if you’re saying it wrong so there’s nothing to worry or be freaked out about. I’m not going to judge you. I want to hear some words.” I told him what rain is (not considering the coincidental value this word already has). I don’t know how but we talked about going far away some day and he made us shake our hands (I know, was it a business deal? lol) as a deal to drive away from everything one day.

Then the benches got boring so we went back to the playground chairs. And this time… physical. Ok, you have to believe me when I said I TRIED. I really did. Because last time we hung out he was very touchy feely. I mean he’s a touchy feely person in general. But… ok the last time we hung out he tickled me (we were both sitting in chairs) and I don’t know I ended up on the floor and I ended up putting my head on his knee (TRUST ME, it isn’t as weird as it sounds) then we went on the bus and he tickled me again and I ended up putting my head on his shoulder and leaving it there and sometimes he put his head on my head. And he kept brushing strands of hair out of my face multiple times to “help me out.” So that was the last hang out and it kind of ruined me, so I mentally prepared myself for his touchy feeli-ness because I knew it would just ruin me later in the future.

But he was right there and my heart was just speaking for me. I mean you can convince yourself not to do something when you look back at it or if you’re away from the person, but being there in the moment with him, it was hard. We sat on the chairs again: he laid down and I sat upwards with my back to his knee like last time. I had my knees folded and sat and one of his hands opened out and I laid my folded knee in the direction of his stomach and he rested his hand on/around my knee. Then my leg cramped and I had to move and suddenly his arm rested near, some might even say around my waist (urgh).

And he kept playing with my life. I’m a small person compared to him and he took up half the chair space. He pretended to drop me and we were higher up, so it was scary, but not really because I knew he was just playing around. But my heart dropped the first time he did it because honestly, I wasn’t expecting it and the way he held me after he almost dropped me was fhjbjlumtdbt. He kept doing it and each time he did it he pulled me closer and I… came closer too buttttttttt I stopped myself. We also talked in between.

Then my foot was cramping so I had to lay down next to him. And he was like “Yeah, lay down, look at the clouds.” So I did and it was so nice. I pointed out a plane to him and felt like a little kid lol. But the reason I didn’t want to lay down next to him was that I thought he was going to do this one thing that I was scared of him doing: putting his arm around my shoulders. Because he is touchy feely and you can never tell. When I laid down he didn’t do anything for a few minutes. So you know how people put their arms behind their head in a sort of chillaxing way? He did that and this fool took up half my head space.. and he knew that he was doing that. I asked him to move but he just smirked- the nerve. So for the sake of my head and not wanting to fall off the chair, I had to put my head on his arm. And suddenly he moved his arm position and did exactly that: put his arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even realize when it was happening. Then, after a while, my neck started hurting, I don’t know there’s something wrong with my alignment I swear I have the back/neck of an old lady. So I told him and he tried fixing it by moving us higher but it didn’t help so I had to put my head into his chest area a little bit, but NOT on his chest, more into his arm if ya get what I mean. So yeah… there was that.

There were these small moments of silence, but it wasn’t awkward, it was like this calmness like one of those “I’m happy to be here with you” moments. That’s how I felt, I don’t know about him. Then while I was laying there I thought: Wow, it’s like we’re a casual couple hanging out at the park forgetting about the worries of the world. But wait one thing is missing: he doesn’t have feelings for me. So I felt complete (in my heart’s sense) but also heartbroken.

Also, he was supposed to leave at 5:30 to soccer practice and his friend called and he told them that he was on his way but he kept staying there with me because he made the point that he always practices soccer but he barely sees me. Of course, that didn’t help me. It made my heart go up but it also broke a little. Because he is insanely busy and he told me that next week he’s going out of state for a soccer thing and I don’t know why but my heart dropped but it’s not like I was going to see him next week or anything so I don’t know why I was feeling that.

We left the park at around 6 and I told him that my stomach was hurting because I hardly ate anything (there was no food at my house and my summer hunger is very weird) and we went to a store and he got me fries and he paid for me and I have no idea why he did that. That’s also a reason why I told him that it’s no bother that if we don’t get food because I knew he would be a gentleman and pay.

Then we had to go different directions and my heart dropped again. He told me the directions to the library, we side-hugged (which is something I kind of regret now because I wish I gave him a real hug but one hand was holding the bag of fries and the other held my phone). I told him that if I got kidnapped it would be his fault lol. Then I walked off and it took everything in me not to turn around and face him because if I did I would never want to leave. Of course, my resolve was not great. I did eventually turn back, but I turned when he was crossing the street.

Of course, I didn’t feel all that great after the hang out because I was thinking of something he said a few minutes before we left each other: he told me that if he saw me on a date whilst he was walking downtown (which was where we were) he would be like “Ooooh I see you, Rebecca.” And his reaction was so genuine and it’s something any of my other friends would say, there was no underlying meaning or pain in what he said we weren’t even talking about me and a date- he just brought it up.

I was feeling down because I’m so deep in the friendzone. I just feel like such a girl. Not even two seconds ago I was angry at him and now, I don’t even know.

And I called him like half an hour after we left each other because my mom wasn’t home and I needed a ride (my parents wouldn’t let me drive the van alone and honestly I’m scared to drive it… even though license I know, it’s just a huge car. Plus I would need to park it and there are parking meters and parking lots I have to consider, remember this is a shopping center). So I called to ask him how much the bus cost but he didn’t pick up, I think he was already at practice by then. Then he called me later when I was venting to my friend (about him) and I thought twice about not answering it but I didn’t know the outcomes of that so I just picked up. I told him why I called him and yeah… I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with him and yep I am ruined. Ugh, it also doesn’t help that he always says, “Stay safe” as often as he says hi or goodbye. Ugh ugh ugh.

It’s just so confusing for my heart because it’s as if there are two sides of him. There’s the real-life him. Who’s honestly so sweet and chill. Then there’s the texting side of him who’s a jerk and leaves me hanging some days. I don’t like the whole game, it has me pulling on my hairs and questioning my sanity.

And it doesn’t help that my friends keep telling me, “Oh, he wouldn’t do that if you two were ‘just friends’.” It’s all just a tangled mess of what do I do? Does he like me? Is he worth it considering all he’s done to me?

Feelings are a pool of “I don’t want this.” But just like I told one of my friends who’s also feeling overwhelming emotions: “It’s better to feel something than it is feeling nothing.”

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Rant: I’m GROWING UP??!?

As hard as it is to believe, I am.

Excuse me is there some time genie I could talk to about this? Because…

06.21.17

I GOT MY FRICKIN LICENSE!!!

Of course, I was so nervous and I blanked out when I had to start the car (fortunately they didn’t test me on that).

But my uncle knew I was nervous and he eased my nerves. Practicing with him has helped me a lot (I mean compared to my dad’s teaching yelling, yes, my uncle has helped me a lot). He prayed for me before the test and he kept me calm. And the moment I passed he gave me a side hug and told me that he knew I could do it.

So during the test, I was a shaky mess. But I kept under the speed limit and kept within the lines, and parked very nicely. The lady wasn’t mean, she was very calm. When she said the words, “You passed.” I couldn’t really believe it because she said like it was something casual and she like packed it in with the rest of what she said, so the “You passed” was packed in with everything else she said. But once I registered it, it was like “Wait, what? Did you just say I passed? I passed?!?” I was smiling so much, everyone in front of the motor vehicle place was staring at me like “Why is this girl smiling she’s literally walking into the place where time stands still (because it literally does)?”

Even though I was really happy, the place really killed my vibe. I waited until the place closed aka 2 hours later. I was cold and hungry. I really don’t know what happened. They never called my ticket number. By the time I went to the counter and the lady (who I have to say, was extremely nice) asked me “Are you excited to get your license?” I responded with excitement, or at least I tried to… the near-hypothermia might’ve messed up the excitement.

But on Monday, I got my license in the mail and I’m so so so happy.

06.28.17

I took my senior pictures!!

I had to go to school early for this college workshop at like 10 until 12 then I had to go for my pictures at 1:15. So what would I do for an hour and 15 minutes? I went to Macdonald’s. It was so nice. I just spent time with myself sipping a smoothie. But I didn’t feel lonely. It was so nice to just be in that moment with myself.

Lol then I had to do my makeup in a Macdonald’s bathroom. But can I just say that the one near my school, the one I went to, they play some really good music. Lol I felt so pumped and confident while I put my makeup on.

Then I went back to school to take the pictures. You know what they were playing when I walked in? A Fifth Harmony song. They were playing Fifth. Harmony. It’s like they knew I was coming lol. It turned out really good. The photographer was really nice and he actually showed me the pictures and I looked so grown up that I had to take a reality check and ask myself “Woah, wait, that’s really me?”

So yeah that’s been the growing up that I’ve done so far. Honestly, I’m not freaking out like “Nooooo, I don’t want to grow up!” I’m kind of finding myself easing into all of this day by day. Like I”m growing up, finally. I’m maturing. I’m becoming who I am.

I mean I had anxiety in both instances. Mostly in the second instance because no one was there with me. But I made it through. I made it through? Agh I did!

Future, here I come?

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Goodbye, Junior

Start: Hello, Junior: Day 1 & Hello, Junior: Day 2

And now it’s the finish, the end. Well, not really the end of life or anything but it’s the end of my junior year.

Already? It literally feels like just yesterday the school year started. Okayyy… maybe not just yesterday but when I think of the first day of school I think, “Woah that was 10 months ago?!!?” But when I think about the journey it took to get me here, it D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. does not feel like the first day of school was yesterday anymore.

Honestly, I think this is my favorite year of high school (hopefully, so far) freshman year comes as second, and sophomore year: third.

This school year definitely didn’t start out good. What first day starts out good? But overall, looking back the school year turned out to be good even though I did have my crappy moments.

I made some real friends this year (hopefully). One of my real friends is the friend I made in my chem class. From the moment we met, we literally vibed so much. We could tell each other anything at this point. It’s been so nice to have her there and not only there in that class but there in any situation: she’s helped me figure out my major for college, she helped me with Phoenix, etc. Even once, we had a fire drill and she went to hang out with her friends but she didn’t leave me alone she let me be included with her group of friends and it was just so nice of her. Another real friend was Phoenix. To be honest, apart from the feelings and everything else it really is nice to know that he’s real and not fake. The fact that he wants to know more about me and wants to willingly hang out with me is something I can’t even begin to describe. I made some real friendships with lower classmen and I feel like a big sister to them because I’ve been through what they might be going through school-wise although, they never fail to make me feel old.

I started my hello junior year posts with a breakdown of all the periods and how they all were the first day and I think it should be tradition to say how they all ended. (This focuses around second semester)

  • Period 1: Piano
    • Honestly, this class was boring sometimes. There were days where I would just sit in my seat and try to find something to play but nothing. My teacher never really had a lesson plan so everything was freelance. But, I did learn some piano and I’m going to buy piano books to teach myself. I’m still learning “A Thousand Years” and I’m nearing the end of the song. But, this last day it was so cool because the whole class got on a bunch of pianos and we had this jam session and it just sounded really cool. So cool that I wanted to record it but I couldn’t considering my hands were occupied.
  • Period 2: Modern World
    • One of my friends from freshman year was in this class and the first day she asked me to come sit near her, but the only seat near her was next to her friend. And it was awkward because her friend was in 2 of my previous classes in the previous years and we never really became friends. So it was me, her friend, then her. But as days and weeks passed I got to know her friend and her more and it was really nice. I actually ended up hanging out with her, some of her friends and my best friend this past week. It was really nice sitting next to those two. They never made one class boring. Even though sometimes I felt like the odd-one-out, overall they both made me really happy. Also after this period my friend and I would walk to our 4th period together and it was always so nice, she would dread about Spanish and I would sometimes dread about AP Language. It was really nice.
  • Period 3: Photography
    • At first, this class seemed lonely. Because none of my friends from my old photography class ended up in the same class as me. So it sucked at first. Then we had this photo assignment where we had to take pictures of each other and this girl didn’t have anyone so me and this girl I awkwardly asked beforehand if we could be partners let her take pictures with us. And a friendship started. Then she had another friend and I had friends. I wasn’t lonely. All of them were freshmen and sometimes it was overwhelming because one of my friends always talked about this shitty boy who never deserved my friend but no matter what she always went back to him. Stuff like that pissed me off and sometimes they were rude here and there and on the days where I wasn’t mentally okay I took it to heart. But I know that it doesn’t come from a place of hate. They really truly care about me. When I had strep throat they cared about where I was and that I felt okay.
    • But the content of the class- I didn’t really like it. The first semester, we were taking these aesthetic pictures with film and everything. My first semester teacher told me we would be more on the computers but I didn’t realize we would be learning more about photoshop than photography. I mean I didn’t mind the photoshop but my second semester teacher focused more on what we did on photoshop than our pictures itself. I just don’t really feel like I learned that much this semester compared to first semester. Plus my second semester teacher was never enthusiastic about things.
  • Period 4: AP Language & Composition
    • One of my friends from the previous semester was in this class so it was okay. We talked more this semester than last semester- so that was really nice. My teacher gave us this really inspiring speech about anything that we do should be seen as an accomplishment. Even little things like writing essays or research papers, they should be seen as accomplishments because some people can’t even do that and we should never take our abilities for granted. His class was really hard, I never got an A, always straight B’s and the papers were always hard. But he was a really good teacher and his acting when reading is really awesome.
  • Period 5: Chemistry
    • My everyday class. This class was only amazing because I had the real friend (that I talked about earlier) in this class. We both had the same class both semesters so that was honestly so perfect. We never really paid attention and when the test date came we were screwed but each time we made it through. We always made each other laugh because we have the same sense of humor and I can literally tell her anything. Even though chemistry haunted my life, I’m honestly so happy because I got to know such an amazing person (ohh noo I’m getting sappy)
  • Period 6: Lunch
    • Lunch was always good. I mean it’s lunch there was nothing exciting about it. But I’m so happy because my best friend and I had the same lunch for both semesters so that was amazing and a weight off the anxiety shoulders.
  • Period 7: Spanish
    • UDsafkalsdjfd Spanish. I mean trust me I’m all for speaking another language and learning about the culture. But this class drained me. The class was full of freshmen who never knew the right and wrong time to talk. And the grammar and remembering everything killed me. But I made it through. I actually made friends with this girl that the teacher assigned next to me and she was really funny but through half of the semester, she switched everyone’s seats so that sucked. But, oh my gosh, I actually made it through!
  • Period 8: Algebr(uh)a Two (Sorry I had to make that joke once in my life lol)
    • This class was so fun. I mean at first the teacher kinda scared me but she turned out to be so funny. And I sat with 2 people I knew from wayyyy back all the way to elementary school. It was always so fun doing worksheets with them. Even though it’s weird saying work was fun. Doing the work wasn’t fun but doing the work with them and working it out together was fun. We were always cracking jokes and laughing at anything. Lol I think our teacher got mad sometimes but even she joined in sometimes.

So there we go. That’s all that’s happened. From beginning to end. It’s so weird because in my sophomore year… I hated my sophomore year because I felt so alone and lost. That was the year I found out I had anxiety and so many things clicked this year like fake friends and all that. It was just such a bad year for me. But when I compare junior year to sophomore year, thank God that He carried me through. I prayed so much and He didn’t let me down. I don’t feel as lost anymore, or as lost as I was last year. It was horrible last year. But He put constants in my life: people, love, even happiness here and there. The only way I made it through was because God helped me and I had some amazing friends that pulled me through. I wanted to just give up and give in sometimes, but I never did.

I accomplished all I needed to do this year and I can overthink as much as I want but the way things happened, I can’t change them. I can’t do anything but be happy and marvel at the fact that I was able to make it through.

It’s honestly so weird to think that next school year, actually kind of right now, I’m officially a senior… I don’t think it’ll really click until August when school starts again. But I mean WHATSTSSDT???? I remember entering middle school (6th grade) and telling my friends “Woah we’re the big kids now.” And then 8th grade and feeling like the actual big kids considering we were the ones going to graduate. Then 9th grade rolled around and I was honestly so freakishly scared and frightened and everything to be going to high school. And now HERE I AM, about to be a senior. W.h.a.t. Literally, where is the time going?

Sometimes it feels like time goes by so slow, then other times it feels like it’s going so fast that I’m literally chasing it down for it to stop (which is weird because I hardly run). But let me not blow my mind too much thinking about the concept of time because that could last forever (lol get it?… I’m sorry haha).

I get really nostalgic thinking about time and how everything is going by so fast. Sometimes on my dark days, I want nothing more than to grow up, but once I’m there it’s not really what I want anymore. I think of all the goodbye’s and see you soon’s and talk to you soon’s and they’re just tugging at my heartstrings. I thought I would be more relieved but I’m experiencing that feeling of change again. Thinking about the friends who might not have the time to talk to me and how life is only going to be different and harder from here on out. I mean I actually have to think about college and everything. I’m getting anxiety. I  just need to breathe and take everything day by day.

Here’s to the end of another year. You made it, Rebecca!

I really hope that if you read my first day and last day it was able to maybe teach you that no matter how anxious the beginning of something can be, the journey of it until the end might seem far away and hard to reach… but you can make it through.

You’re capable of more than you believe. So much more.

«Music Friday»

So all this week I listened to Halsey’s “Hopeless Fountain Kingdom” and it is honestly: so b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. Halsey is such a musical inspiration. Her album is a concept album which means that all the songs on the album hold a greater meaning together than individually. And Halsey said that this album is top to bottom about her being able to love herself after an abusive relationship. It’s so amazing. Plus, it’s like a scavenger hunt. If you check out her twitter you can see her fans figuring out new pieces behind her lyrics and it’s so beautiful that the story can keep being interpreted. (But be warned because there are explicit songs, I don’t know who might be reading this, just making sure I don’t offend young ears).

I hope you all had an amazing week. We made it through another one everyone!

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I’m Back… Hopefully

You’re reading that right.

So I don’t know if anyone’s noticed if I’ve been gone or if anyone remembers who I am. I’ve been gone longer than I… planned? expected? I never really planned or expected to actually be “gone.” I think the term “taking a break” would fit better.

Like I said I never really expected or planned to be gone or to take a break. But days just turned into weeks and then weeks turned into a month.

During the time that I left, I was going through some crappy feelings and I felt like I needed to sort that out. Because I didn’t just want to keep posting about some guy… I felt like that was… dumb? I just felt like the content of my blog would be downgraded if I talked about the same subject (Phoenix). And I know it’s my blog I should feel free to talk about whatever I want but it didn’t feel like that during the time that I left. It just felt like my job was to please people.

So I needed to take time away from posting, from the likes, from the follows, from everything. I needed to talk to my friends about him. I needed to not make my situation into a blog post because it didn’t help.

(If you’re interested in what did help this situation then, please keep reading.)

Because blogging didn’t help I thought that maybe I should stop making blog posts… Yes, I actually considered it. Because as weeks went by I didn’t really find myself wanting to go back to writing blog posts and I don’t know why… One of the reasons why I made a blog is because I wanted to get my feelings and thoughts out there and it helped. But if it couldn’t help me with Phoenix and that whole damn thing could it ever help me again? What was the point if writing out my feelings couldn’t help me anymore?

But then I forgot the other reason that I started this blog. Because it’s been like my diary. I wanted a place I could go to where I could remember everything that has happened to me and all I’ve been through. So hopefully one day in the future I can be like “Wow, I made it through.”

Today, I was scrolling through my old blog posts because I needed to find some poems to enter into this scholarship program and I found myself looking at all these stories and all these emotions and feelings and it’s. all. there.

What?

Me. I’m here. I’m there. My feelings. My emotions. My thoughts. They’re all here. There are so many pieces of myself on this blog. Not only that but who I am is here in this blog. And I don’t think I can let hopelesslystrong go. I couldn’t give this up. I couldn’t let this go. I forgot how much I could say without feeling the need to hold back.

Plus I don’t think I would be able to make that goodbye post and say goodbye to those of you who have been there to always make me smile (I would probably ask you guys for another way of communication so we would be able to talk) But still it wouldn’t feel the same to say goodbye to hopelesslystrong.

So I’m trying this again. And hopefully, this will be a new beginning for hopelesslystrong. And I knowwww I feel like I should have a new theme or a new background or something. But I’m pretty happy with my background so no drastic changes to my site lol. Just a new start, mentally, for this blog. So… a lot has happened since I’ve been gone:

Hopelesslystrong turned 2 years old! I’m so proud of this blog and what it’s done, not only for me, but for what it has done for others (e.g. when people tell me that my posts teach them something new). Being gone has made me appreciate this blog more and I want to say thank you to every one of you who have kept me strong because I could never be here without you guys.

The whole Phoenix thing is resolved. We’re friends again. I had to let go of the “chapstick thing” No, trust me he’s a good guy. During that whole time, he wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t talking to him I had a lot of doubts and the one question that bothered me so much was Did it even faze him that we weren’t talking? Well, he told me that when someone is quiet with him then he’s quiet too and loses focus… I know that might sound like some confusing shh-tuff (my attempt at trying not to curse) it was confusing to me too, but he’s a good friend. Yeah, friend. He’s not really a good person to fall for though. Even though my heart might beg to differ. I mean I don’t think you would want the person you’re falling for to say that they were losing focus over you and your friendship together. But other than that, we hung out together after school and it was honestly so nice. We went to this huge library and just talked. We talked about our lives, our pasts, our fears, anything and everything and it was so nice. We talked for maybe 4 or 5 hours. It was just nice to feel happy without overthinking about it. But trust me, I’m a football thrown into the friendzone.

I took the SAT!!!! And I survived it!!! I honestly don’t know how. I burned my brain the week beforehand studying and my eyebags has eyebags. I don’t know how I did but I feel okay about it. I did what I could and I’m okay with it. I’m just happy I survived (really thought I wouldn’t make it out alive… okay stop being overdramatic Rebecca… I’m sorry)

I have no idea about college applications. That sentence didn’t even make sense. All that sentence means is college apps = ew. That whole thing is on my shoulders and I’m trying to take a college credit class but I’m kind of on uneasy terms with my dad and he’s the one I have to talk to about taking the class. I asked him and he said he would think about it but he hasn’t told me anything. I’m on uneasy terms with him because he wants me to be a doctor but… no, thank you. I cannot be held responsible for someone else’s life and I hate being around sick people. I already have the worst immune system ever. I’m thinking of majoring in forensic science and having a minor in music because I can’t let go of my dream. I also have a bunch of anxiety thinking of asking my teachers for recommendation letters and going to my counselor to talk to him about this.

Andddd…. it’s the last week of school this week! And honestly, I’m really ecstatic and scared at the same time. Happy because yessssssss I very much want this stress to be over. Also, I might get my license over the summer but I’m so anxious to take the test. But scared because I don’t know how many of you read my posts during spring break but if you did you would know I had the worst spring break ever. I was so mentally broken down. Because I never got out of my house and I hated seeing these same four walls and I really don’t want that to be my summer. I don’t want to have a boring summer, that might seem like something overdramatic like who cares if you have a boring summer? It just mentally breaks me down being and doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also scared because of the friends I’ve made this year. I think you might know where this conversation is leading. Fake friends. I think I can pretty much tell the “friends” who are going to turn into fake friends. But actually being extremely close to the possibility that the people I’ve made as friends are going to leave me in the dust make it all so tiring.

I thought that if there was a possibility that this come-back post was, in fact, going to happen that I would be in a happy place. But I’m honestly not in a happy place. I’m stressed and tired and I want to just give up sometimes.

But then I remember the small amount of people who have always had my back. I remember all those other times I wanted to give up but didn’t and there’s a reason I didn’t. Because I’m curious. I’m curious as to what my future has in store for me. Yes, even though school is going to be over, college decision-making is still going to be on my back and that stresses me out to no end. But I’m taking it one day at a time. And I know that God won’t let me down. My faith isn’t something I want to doubt or let go of. I think I’ve done that too many times before in the past.

So that’s what’s been happening to me in the past month, how have all of you been? I honestly hope you’re doing good. I’ve missed you guys so much! Hopefully, with everything on my plate, I’ll still be able to make blog posts because nothing is better than the feeling of typing endlessly not having to hold back on anything.

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life preserver.

People cannot read minds.

It would be cool if they did, and maybe a bit creepy if they read your mind. But it can’t happen.

So don’t be mad at someone if they can’t see that your “I’m doing ok” is actually a bold-faced lie.

Telling people that you’re okay when you’re not is the decision you make.

People can’t read minds. They don’t know what’s going on until you tell them.

Don’t expect someone to read you like airport security.

If you’re drowning,

scream.

When someone is drowning you don’t hear them silently going under the waves. They scream their lungs out trying to get help, trying to get someone’s attention.

To get a life preserver thrown at them.

You can’t expect someone to throw a life preserver out at you when you’re not even screaming for help.

It’s not lame asking for help.

Is it weak caring about yourself and your well-being? Hell no.

Personally, I don’t like asking people for help. Because I feel like I’m bothering them.

But I 100% believe that your friends, loved ones, etc. want you to go to them about your problems instead of watching you silently suffering.

And if you don’t completely trust someone with your problems, don’t tell them.

But if the reason you’re not telling them is because you’re scared- don’t be.

If they love you, they won’t judge you or feel bothered.

So scream.

Violently scream like a little kid in the movies when they see a ghost.

Scream for that life preserver.

Because no one was born with the ability to read minds.

Over the past few days, I’ve reached out to people and I never realized I’ve always had some amazing life preservers.

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With Best Friends… Everything Will Be Okay

I have 3 best friends.

These are the friends I made back in the day lol. These are the friends who knew me before I knew myself. The friends who were there before, during, and after puberty.

Best friends are people you can always go to, no matter what. No matter how long ago you’ve last talked to each other. They’re always there.

To give you a smile, to make you laugh, to talk about the little things, and to talk about the deep things.

The other day when I felt empty and felt like giving up I texted one of my best friends. I didn’t expect a reply or for her to care as much as she did. I texted her Saturday night and waited a few hours but no reply.

Saturday night turned into Sunday morning and the only person who texted me was my uncle wanting to take me on a driving lesson.

An important detail to the story: I like to keep my phone on silent because keeping it on sound gives me too much anxiety. If I’m waiting for a person to text me, I’ll be constantly on the prowl hoping/waiting for them to respond and I hate that feeling.

So while I was watching a TV series on my computer Sunday night my brother walks into my room telling me that my best friend’s mom was calling, telling me to call my best friend. I’m confused. So I check my silent phone and see a bunch of messages, a missed call, and a voicemail. My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay.

My friend cared so much as to ask her mom to call my house to make sure that I was okay. That’s the kind of person I needed, I need.

I had a wonderful conversation with my friend. She listened to everything I had to get off my chest while advising me and making me feel okay about what I’m feeling. Then we talked about the future and she said that my future doesn’t have to be more crap. My future will be whatever I want it to be, whatever I work hard for it to be.

Talking to her just made the emptiness I was feeling, less empty. I was so afraid of talking to this friend because I thought that I was bothering her, but she told me that I never bother her and she wanted to make sure that I know that.

And then the next day, Monday, I went to my other best friend’s house and we watched movies and played badminton. Today, I sat in the car while she drove and vice versa.

Whenever we spend time with each other laughing is like breathing to us. It’s such a weight off my shoulders to forget about all the stress, or remember the stress and laugh about it.

It’s just really nice to spend time with or talk to the people who have known you for all or life, or who know you for who you are. The people who aren’t fake and don’t have to question your friendship status. These are the people you should put in your life.

Because these are the people who will help you bring you out of the ashes and out of the darkness. These are the people who will give you happiness, even if it’s for a little bit- it’ll be genuine happiness.

Even if you’re not sure who your best friends are or if you can even consider someone your best friend, people who care enough to make sure you don’t give up are people worth keeping around.

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04.10.17. out in nature

So I don’t know if you read my post yesterday or not, but if you did you might have figured out that I wasn’t doing so good.

I went down on my rollercoaster.

I went into my hole of darkness.

I cried.

And I didn’t want to talk about it in my blog post yesterday, so I wrote a couple of vague sentences.

What led to the darkness was pretty much the same concept as every other time. Something wrecking happened and then my mind added onto that one bad thing with other crappy points in my life and suddenly I was crying about multiple things in my life instead of the one thing that happened.

This morning I wasn’t doing any better, I barely talked to my family I felt disconnected when texting my friends. I felt empty. I tried watching a movie to get into the relaxation spirit because today was the first day of my spring break week, but I just had to be broken on the first day.

It was like I was in the middle of nothing. It kinda still feels like that.

I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t find a reason to be.

Then my friend texted me that we should go to the park. I was hesitant at first, but then I was like ok this is going to make me happy I should go.

But, of course, my friend said nevermind because she had to read her book for school.

So things went from crap to crappier.

And I honestly didn’t know what to do.

I tried watching another movie. I tried listening to music. I tried writing a song. I tried, but I still felt empty.

Then I remembered, I have a texting hotline number saved in my phone. Basically, a place where you can text a counselor about your problems.

I don’t remember how I got the number but thank goodness I kept it for a time like this. I’ve never contacted the hotline before this so this was my first time. I wasn’t really expecting some big remedy for my darkness. But honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.

But talking/texting the counselor made me feel less alone. She made sure I wasn’t thinking of suicide (which is something I could never see myself doing). Then she broke a few layers off of me and I told her a little bit about my situation and how I’m feeling. Then she asked me what I like to do.

Then she said I should go outside in nature. And I told her my parents won’t even let me walk a block alone (yes I used those exact words lol). So she told me I should sit outside and listen to music.

Ok.

So I pulled up a chair and sat outside with my phone and earphones. Then she told me while I’m sitting outside I could do some songwriting. Huh. I never thought of that.

I tried it.

I don’t know what happened. At first, I was doubtful. Of course, I was.

But I don’t know being out there just in the beauty of nature with my music in my ears- it felt peaceful and okay. I was so focused on writing I couldn’t even listen to my thoughts. Whenever the wind picked up and blew my ponytail around it was like I was floating carelessly and peacefully with it.

I wrote one complete song and 2 half songs. This morning when I tried songwriting I finished one song but I didn’t really feel anything after finishing the song. But when I was outside (in the afternoon) and I wrote 1 and 2 one-and-a-half songs it felt like something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt complete.

And I felt okay.

Then after I finished songwriting I got some flowers from my backyard that were really beautiful and I took some pictures. And with the flowers I created this:

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The picture really doesn’t give it enough justice. I just wanted to create a reminder of today.

I’m not exactly 100% okay but I don’t feel this overwhelming emptiness in my soul like I felt before. Before I felt like there was no use in trying anymore in life. But I still tried. I wanted help. So I told someone.

You know what the counselor said about me? She told me that I was brave enough to come forward for help. I’ve never seen myself as brave. But I’m happy I wanted to do something about that emptiness.

The overbearing scent of nature that stuck on me until I took a shower was 110% worth it.

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