2017 Lessons

I know, I know. I kinda keep disappearing. But I’ve been doing this post at the end of the year since I started this blog and who would I be to break tradition?

So, are you ready?

Here’s what I’ve learned this year:

  • Yes, change hurts. But in the end, it really is good for you.
    • At the beginning of this year, I remember the transition of my first semester of my junior year into the second semester was really heartbreaking. Because I made really good friends first semester that I had to say goodbye to. The worst thing was when I had the same class, same teacher, same period… but it was different because no one that I knew was there. It was like a trippy alternate dimension. The change of that was really hard to get over. But by the time second semester, I had so many good friends that I love and trust. It was heartbreaking change but in the end, it was fine.
  • Things aren’t in your control. It’s not your fault.
    • I remember I used to blame myself because of this one situation that involved my best friend. I didn’t go with her somewhere and she got hurt emotionally. I blamed myself because I didn’t go with her. But it’s not my fault. Things happen the way they do to others (ex. your family, friends, etc.) because they have lessons life is teaching them too. You aren’t God. It’s not in your hands. It’s not your fault.
  • Once you take a jump, it gets easier.
    • I BEGAN TO DRIVE ON THE ROAD AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR. And look at me now, I drove a van packed with my friends. We went on the freeway… twice. I used to be petrified of driving and now it’s better. I still get freaked here and there I’m not an A+ driver. But I don’t get too anxious anymore.
  • Friendships don’t last forever. And that’s okay. Nothing lasts forever.
    • This one, I had to learn the hard way. And the worst part is, it wasn’t only one occurrence. I lost a good amount of friendships this year. I’m still struggling with the “don’t blame yourself” part. Because I still do that. But it takes two to make a friendship (or more if we’re talking about a group friendship). If you’ve done all you could, cared so much for them and they didn’t feel the same way about you… what can you do? If it feels like you’re a weight to someone, make it easier for them. Sometimes cutting people out is for the best. If someone was holding onto your legs as you tried to fly wouldn’t you shake them off? Save the caring for someone who deserves it and will treat you better. It’s not your fault. Sometimes, the best things come back to us. And if they don’t, it’s not what was best for our lives.
  • Parents don’t do certain things to spite you.
    • I’ve understood more about parents, not only mine but others. Sometimes it seems like parents are punishing us more so than loving us and wanting us to be happy. But sometimes they just want to see us safe, they want us to achieve higher. But never doubt that your parents want you to be happy. More than anything.
  • Choose happiness.
    • This is the phrase I uttered over and over the other day when I was in one of my holes. To be honest, it was hard not being dragged into a darker tunnel but somehow that phrase made it easier. No, it’s not easy to choose happiness when your mind is involved. But happiness doesn’t take one easy step. A lifetime of difficult for a lifetime of happiness.
  • You can be wrong about someone.
    • Also learned this one the hard way. You might feel like you know a person, you might’ve even started to get to know them and think you have their mentality figured out. Then they pull the rug out from under you and leave you lost. Someone doesn’t stay the same way forever. The person who used to give you incomparable happiness can become the person who gives you the worst overthinking.
  • Don’t base your worth on numbers.
    • You are worth more than a number. If you were a number, you would be infinity. Because measly numbers can’t define your worth and the amazing person that you are.
  • God is always with me (Religious lesson)
    • I know, not everyone here is religious but this is my own personal lesson. I had to keep reminding myself that even in my lowest places, God was there to pick me up. And he wouldn’t give me life just to see me want to die.
  • Don’t let opinions make you mad.
    • Everyone has a personal opinion. They have their own beliefs, rights, etc. Don’t fight someone on theirs. Try to see it from their point of view and don’t be angry about it. We wouldn’t all be who we were if we weren’t different from each other.
  • It’s not cliché to love yourself.
    • It’s actually the best love you can have. How do you expect to love someone else if you can’t even love the person staring back at you?
  • Yes, anxiety can ruin a relationship but the other person should be able to understand.
    • If they don’t, don’t keep them in your life. It only becomes a burden trying to make them understand something that goes over their head.
  • Hurt and pain is a part of life.
    • I wouldn’t know what joy would be like without strife. I wouldn’t be humble. Yes, it’s going to hurt. But it’s going to hurt for the better.
  • Hope isn’t hopeless.
    • You can rise. Even out of your darkest moments. The rain can’t last forever.
  • YOU will always be your biggest fan.
    • No one will ever support you more than yourself. You’re your own number one fan and worst enemy. You’re the only person who knows what’s going on in your life. All your stress, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your everything. Don’t hate the one person who can and will always love you no matter what.
  • The impossible is possible.
    • I had so much anxiety over college applications and not being accepted into the colleges I want to go to. But guess what! I got accepted into all the colleges I wanted to go to. I had intense anxiety for nothing. It is possible.
  • Everything can change in a mere day.
    • So much can happen. Don’t be dragged into a cycle because the unexpected can jump out at you.
  • Emotions aren’t weak.
    • They only remind you that you’re human. And you have to remember to feel your emotions, and remember not to shut yourself out.
  • It’s not wimpy to scream.
    • If you need help, tell someone. It doesn’t show weakness, it shows strength. It shows that you want to get help and want to be taken out of the current state you’re in. People don’t always have the best time reading signs.
  • Don’t read into signs/signals.
    • Signs/signals do not come out of the person’s mouth, they come out of your mind’s presence involving the situation. Do not solely build your beliefs on signals. Sometimes a person can be fake and your mind can be wrong.
  • You can’t open up to everyone.
    • And that’s okay. The people you can open up to will be there for you.
  • Words don’t make a person, actions do.
    • Woh, I big thing I learned this year is that someone can say a ton of bullshit that means so much to you that actually has no meaning for the other person. Words are great. But they aren’t reliable, how they treat you with their actions is what’s important. Remember, people can put on such a facade when they’re texting you.
  • A setback doesn’t have to be a setback.
    • I remember one time, my friend and I were supposed to go see a school play. So we went to school Saturday night but the tickets were sold out. So instead we went to get dinner and we went to my friend’s house and watched a movie. The setback actually seemed better than our ordinary plans. Sometimes a setback can be a path for another opportunity.
  • The future isn’t scary.
    • This year alone, I applied to college(s), got my license, took the SAT, became a senior and turned 18. Growing up seems scary but it’ll be okay.
  • If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.
    • Does this need an explanation? Even if you tell them they’ve been hurting you they’ll continue to hurt you, even if it’s unintentional.
  • Don’t blame yourself for your emotions/feelings.
    • You’re only human.
  • Fighting isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
    • Fighting for your life is so hard. But think about the end result.
  • Yes, you can talk to that person
    • Whether it be your crush or an authority figure. I remember before this year I was so scared of my counselor. I never said a word to him and never visited him. But I’ve actually talked to him more than once this year and it isn’t as bad as my mind concocted. He helped me with my schedule and made sure that my doubts about the college process were dealt with.
  • Something can mean so much to you, but not to the other person.
    • And that’s okay. It only makes you who you are.
  • Don’t put others on a high pedestal if they don’t deserve to be there.
    • Save it for someone who deserves it and is worthy of it.
  • Anxiety can be worked through.
    • I took small steps to conquer my anxiety. It wasn’t anything big that was able to take it away but it was little things. They might not be life-changers but trust me, once you took a small step to conquer it, you’ll feel amazing after it’s done.
  • You can move on from moments of deep darkness.
    • You can. It won’t be easy but no one ever said it would be. It takes time to heal scars but it’s okay, you’re not alone.
  • Don’t force a relationship if your thoughts and perceptions of the person are what you have to believe in instead of the person itself.
    • If the person doesn’t show you who they really are then what’s making you stick around?Don’t stay just to be burned.
  • You don’t have to be “chill” all the time.
    • If something utterly pisses you off, let it piss you off.
  • Love is more than just blood.
    • I realized this year that family is just a title if the love isn’t really there. Love is love. It shouldn’t be because you happen to be related and share the same blood.
    • This year, I told my crush I liked him. It was the first time I did something like that. I honestly couldn’t have done it if my friends weren’t there for me. But I literally went through a year of feelings for nothing. I could’ve told him the truth sooner. It could’ve saved SO MUCH time. So trust me, if you have something to say to someone say it. People don’t really read signs all that well. Life is too damn short, yes I’m saying that cliche. But really, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll make it through.
  • You are enough and you don’t need a significant other to prove that.
    • No explanation for this one either.

That’s all! That’s probably not all the lessons I’ve learned, but those are the ones from my blog this year. And I’m gonna copyright myself from last year when I say this but: Remember that even though it might seem like 2018 can’t get here fast enough (it’s already here lol), remember the experiences that have made you different from the person you were in 2016. Yes, 2016. Ew. Remember that year? Lol. Dang, that’s 2 years now, I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I do that.

Happy new year guys! Cheers to us for making it through!



working through my Anxiety.

Guys, I did something today that, before, would have scared the life out of me because of my anxiety.

I talked to an adult to schedule an appointment on the phone!

I know, if you don’t have anxiety that might seem like nothing to you. But for a person with anxiety, it’s a pretty huge step.

I usually get my parents to talk to adults on the phone because of so many different reasons: I don’t know what to say, my voice gets shaky and nervous (and high pitched like hey, what’s up pre-pubescent Rebecca) it’s a situation a person with anxiety would very much want to avoid and never encounter.

I could’ve waited for my dad a few days to call them and make an appointment but I knew that was going to take a few days. Plus I knew I would have to make appointments with them in the future and my dad wasn’t always gonna do it. So I had to start doing it by myself to take a task off his list.

I mean, if I’m talking to a friend on the phone, at first, if it’s a new thing I get nervous but it’s my friend and that’s easy. With an adult, that you don’t know and is at a business etc., it’s more difficult. You don’t know how they’re going to react, what they’re going to say- if they’re even nice. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I wanted to call them. I needed to.

I need to prove to myself that I can live with my anxiety. I need to prove to my worries and fears that I can overcome. I need to prove to my deep sadness that crawls out here and there that I can do it.

I need to prove it to the lady who told me I needed to get a “self-help book” to fix my problems.

You see, last month I went to a workshop that my school’s career center had. It was information about how to have a successful interview with an adult or superior There weren’t many students, there were just 5 of u… so that’s great. No one to hide behind. And yes the lady in charge made us share opinions and all that ishh. And from the first, few minutes she was already labeling me like everyone else in my life. Telling me I’m shy. I know. I need to speak up. I know. I need to be more open. Wow, she’s really not letting this go. Literally, this lady was the epitome of every person who labeled my anxiety as “shyness” or “quietness.” And she WOULD NOT leave it alone. She kept pointing me out and asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to… and she waited and I just felt like exploding. I wanted to leave the room but with so little people I would cause a scene and I would not want that. So she gave everyone interview example and she asked us to consider a weakness that we have and tell it out loud to the other kids. I didn’t know what else to say so I talked about my overthinking and how it messes with my mind.

This lady literally looked me dead in the eye and told me, “You know what? I think you should order a self-help book and boost your confidence… you should also grin more.” 

I didn’t smile a lot, I don’t like pleasing people with my smile. Why would I? If I like you, I’ll smile. And really, Miss, how are you gonna tell me to grin more? It’s not like you were giving me reasons to smile. The self-help book kind of threw me off guard for some reason.

That day was a really bad one for me. I believed. She didn’t know my story but I felt like she was right. In a way. It felt like she was. When she looked at me like that, it was like “Damn. Can I even do stuff like this with my anxiety?” Could I be capable of living a life with anxiety? This was a freaking school workshop about job interviews, it wasn’t even a real interview but this lady read through my deepest demons… dug them out and used them against me. I thought that since she’s an adult she’s right.

I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to fail.

Going back to the phone call… It took me ten minutes to even call the people. I dialed the number then proceeded to just stare at my phone building the muster to hit the call button.

Then I clicked it. I needed to, like I said before.

This past weekend, I as in one of my deep holes. I really didn’t see a way out because everything was coming out of the dark: my anxiety, my friends that I seem to “burden,” my family being better off without me and my episodes, the guy who wasn’t capable of feeling the same way about me or even caring enough to keep our friendship, etc.

Then I got brought out of my hole. God really carried me through this time.

But getting out of that hole meant things needed to change. And the main thing that needed to change is my anxiety and how I deal with anxious situations.

If I’m going to live long enough to see how my future turns out I need to be okay with myself. Even if that means I have anxiety. I need to live with it. I need to live through it. I know, I know I’m not my mental illness but it’s what I have right now. It’s controlling me, it’s showing me what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with.

But if I’m going to try harder, I need to cross the comfort zone line a little bit. Even if it means making a  mere phone call to schedule an appointment.

It might not seem like much to you… but to that girl who was so scared that anxiety would take over her life where she sees that she’s not able to live with it, this is the world to her. 

And that’s who I’m doing this for.

I’m going to take more steps like this in the future. Even if they’re small steps. I’m going to stop allowing things to happen to me and start confronting. I’m going to start telling people my feelings, little by little. It’s gonna take a whole lot of time. I might find myself losing a bunch of hope but…

A week ago I couldn’t even picture myself making that phone call. To myself, I literally did the impossible. We never really know what we’re capable of.

Why stop before trying?

Also, side note lol, the lady I talked to on the phone was super nice. I could understand her and she never seemed to get upset with me or seem pissed off. I literally told her the dates and times and she was like, “Yep, okay. Got it!” She told me to have a nice day and I told her the same. It really was a weight off my worries and in the end, I was like “See that wasn’t so bad Rebecca! I’m so proud of you! (YES I talk to myself like this, do you have a problem? Lol)”


a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.



the moon.

Every night,

after I say a prayer and turn off my bedside lamp,

I look outside my window.

To look if I can see the moon.

Or a few stars.

On the nights that I can, I bask in their beauty.

I feel better. No matter how my day was- once I see that everything becomes ok.

Or at least it’s calming to think that things are going to turn out okay.

I can sleep peacefully when their presence is near.

It calms me in a way I can’t really describe.

One the nights that I can’t, it breaks my heart a little bit.

But only a little bit, because I know it’s out there somewhere- I just can’t see it out my window.

Maybe it’s in the window of a little girl who really needs its’ comfort.

Maybe it’s protecting a sleeping baby who’s basking in its’ presence.

I might be sad for a second if I don’t see it.

But I have this hope, every time I don’t see it, that I’ll see it tomorrow or some other day.

It eases me knowing that yesterday or the last time I’ve seen the moon won’t be the final time I’ll see it.

Either way, the moon either gives me comfort or hope.

How did God make something so beautiful? I’ll never understand it.

But the good thing is: I don’t have to.

I can just bask in its’ beauty and let it calm my soul.

That’s why I love the moon.

It brings me a serenity I can’t describe.


I Forgot You Were There

I  thought that I was all alone.

I thought that no one was there for me.

I thought I was fighting my battles alone.

But I forgot.

I forgot that You were there for me.

I forgot that no matter what You’ll always be there, taking care of me and holding my hand.

Everyone makes broken promises, but You always keep your promises.

And you make sure that I know that You’ll keep your promises.

I thought that everyone had left me.

But You were always there.

My doubts are always wrong whenever I’m with You.

You make sure that I know You’ll never leave me.

I’m not alone in life.

I don’t have to worry.

Because You’re there and You will always be there.

I never have to have anxiety around You.

I never have to wonder if You’ll leave me alone.

I don’t have to feel any negative thoughts towards or about You.

Because You’ve always shown me that You’re right there with Your hand on my shoulder.

The world might be lonely sometimes, but with You always by my side, everything will be okay.

Even though sometimes I might feel lonely I never, ever am. Because You are always there.

I might forget that sometimes, but when I remember it’s the best feeling ever.

I don’t need a guy, I don’t need fake friends, I don’t have to try with You. Because You’ve already fought for my love and have shown me that You care and You always will.

You give me comfort, You give me hope, and You give me a future.

You’re the main reason I haven’t give up on life. It’s the fact that You’re always there for that’s made me stay.

It’s the fact that whenever I have a problem I can come running to you and you don’t mind at all. You actually like when I burden you with my problems. You like that I trust you enough to be vulnerable with You.

I couldn’t have done any of this without You.

And no matter what I might do You’ll always love me.

Thank you.

Thank you, God.

When everyone left, You always stayed. And I don’t know how I managed to forget that.

I Love You.


Merry Christmas Eve!!

Oh my gosh, can you believe that it’s already Christmas Eve? I can’t even fathom how fast December has gone by.

I haven’t really been able to write posts this whole week because of school and Christmas shopping.

If you’ve read my latest posts you might think I’ve needed a break from everything that was hurting and I guess you might expect me to be broken. I would expect myself to be broken.

But, I’m actually really happy right now, while my Christmas spirit is kind of low. But at least I’m happy.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been able to look at all the happy things of my day and that has helped me to such a great extent. Before, I’ve been forgetting about my friends that have been there for me all this time and cherishing them now has made me 10x happier. Although I might not have many friends I have friends who are able to leave an unforgettable smile on my face. I have friends who care about how my day is going. I have friends who are friends and not fake at all. Knowing this makes all the stupid drama that my brain coughs up unimportant.

The other day I went shopping and I wasn’t really sure if I should buy Christmas presents for my family and friends because I haven’t really been in the Christmas spirit. But, once I got to the store and started imagining the happy faces of my loved ones if they were to get these things I thought why not? So I’m really happy that I got presents for everyone that I care about (and I’m kind of 50% more excited to wrap them. Does that make me weird? Lol). I just can’t wait to see the smiles on their faces. That’s all that matters to me.

To be very honest, this month hasn’t been the best. I mean it kinda sucks because December is my favorite month, not just because it’s my birthday month, but because it’s the month of reflection. We remember our whole year in this month and I think that that is something to be grateful for.

Right now, I just want to forget about the negative aspects of my year. I just want to remember the people who have been there for me in my bad times and my good times. They’re the ones who make me extremely grateful for everything. If it weren’t for the people in my life, I would 100% be broken right now. I’m just extremely grateful to God, even though I get angry over little things, He already knows that He put the right people in my life to be able to overcome whatever problem I have, and I could not thank him or love Him enough.

This Christmas Eve, even though I’m not really in the Christmas spirit this year, I am in the grateful and thankful (I know I’m a month late) spirit. I guess that’s what really matters this time of year. Not being thankful of what you’re going to get, but of what you already have. We could get all the presents that we want but none of them will amount to the love we have to the person giving them to us.

I hope you remember that.

Merry Christmas Eve!


12.10.16: Carbon Monoxide

Ok this story confirms that chemistry has been haunting me, well it doesn’t but I needed an intro and I want to blame chemistry for something.

It was a Saturday night, I just finished my homework and was about to go to bed when I hear this incessant chirping. The smart person that I am thought that the sound was coming from the TV. But of course, I was wrong and the sound was actually coming from downstairs.

So like the brave girl I am I called my mom and asked her what that sound was. My mom didn’t hear anything because her room was farther away. So I went downstairs with my mom trailing behind and the beeping got louder and more annoying…. and scary.

Bear in mind that I literally just watched an episode of Criminal Minds and I was not ready for anything unexpected. Plus it was a basic Saturday night with me doing my homework, I wasn’t expecting anything eventful.

I went down further, into the caverns of my basement, and I discovered that the stupid beeping was coming from the carbon monoxide alarm. At first, I thought it was one of those instances where the battery dies or something. But the alarm kept chirping, and then a voice came out of it saying “Carbon monoxide. Stay away.” I got even more scared.

My mom opened the door to let fresh air in and after a minute or two, the beeping stopped. I was still scared though. I felt the need to tell someone, because my grandparents were sleeping in the living room, my brother was at a friend’s house, and my dad is in India. I chose to text my brother because even though the issue was solved maybe he would know what caused it. He said to stay away and keep the door opened. Then I told him that it stopped and he said to still stay away just in case.

Then after 5 minutes the beeping started again. My mom opened the door again. I texted my brother that it started again. He said that my mom and I should call an emergency operator and tell them that the alarm beeped twice. My mom was scared to call at first, but it proved to be useful.

Once she stated that someone was coming, I was more aware of my anxiety and especially aware that this was a “Real” situation and it was happening to us. It’s just hard to believe that life happens sometimes and things like this actually HAPPENS.

Well the fire department came, and it was VERY noticeable when they came. Light seeped through our closed windows, it shined so bright from the outside that our whole house was filled with light. When they show up, they show up. Of course, with my anxiety I was too scared to open the door so I asked my mom to open it. Three firefighters walked in and they went to business.

Well, there really was carbon monoxide in our house coming from the stove and their carbon monoxide meter was at 20 in our house. It should be at 0. But 20 isn’t a harmful level so thank God. They opened our windows and doors to make more fresh air come in.

It was very awkward for me. One of the guys told me to come in the kitchen to listen since my dad nor brother was there. I went full on petrified in that second. Their looks just made me feel like a kindergartener. Not even a small smile, I mean why would they? But still, it would’ve given me comfort. My voice suddenly went from 16 year old to a mouse. Yep, that’s me near authority.

When my brother came home he unplugged the stove and we were able to call our dad to tell him everything. I explained to him what the firefighters said and it was kind of cool for me to explain it. Because usually it would be my brother to take action, and I’m the observer. But it was the other way around and it was just a fresh perspective.

Well, the reason I shared this story isn’t to share a carbon monoxide story with you, because that’s kind of boring. When the whole carbon monoxide dilemma was over my brother said that he was proud of me.

I had no idea why? I mean I really didn’t do anything and I told him that. Then he told me that I made logical decisions, that’s why he’s proud.

When he said that it didn’t seem to matter that I shrunk under authority and made my mom do all the important things.

Did he really see me as making logical decisions? Did he really think my actions were something to be proud of?

I don’t feel like I did anything. I just feel like I reacted. Plus it was my anxiety reacting most of the time.

Btu if he can see me in that way, maybe I will be able to be more than the girl with the anxiety. Because even with the anxiety I was able to pull through.

But honestly, God pulled me through this whole thing. I just need to say that. Because I was so scared that I’m pretty sure I was sweating when the windows and doors were open. The carbon monoxide was at a steady level and to think the other way around is just… but I don’t have to think about that because He was there for me, He was there for us. And I can’t find any other word than thank you and I love you to show my gratitude to Him.

So conclusion? Stay safe. Through any situation, just breathe and think about rational things. The first rational thing I did was tell my mom about the sound instead of investigating myself. Even if it’s something wimpy like that (even though I don’t see it as wimpy, it was 11 at night and the sound was coming from the dark basement) it could forever change the outcome of any situation.