working through my Anxiety.

Guys, I did something today that, before, would have scared the life out of me because of my anxiety.

I talked to an adult to schedule an appointment on the phone!

I know, if you don’t have anxiety that might seem like nothing to you. But for a person with anxiety, it’s a pretty huge step.

I usually get my parents to talk to adults on the phone because of so many different reasons: I don’t know what to say, my voice gets shaky and nervous (and high pitched like hey, what’s up pre-pubescent Rebecca) it’s a situation a person with anxiety would very much want to avoid and never encounter.

I could’ve waited for my dad a few days to call them and make an appointment but I knew that was going to take a few days. Plus I knew I would have to make appointments with them in the future and my dad wasn’t always gonna do it. So I had to start doing it by myself to take a task off his list.

I mean, if I’m talking to a friend on the phone, at first, if it’s a new thing I get nervous but it’s my friend and that’s easy. With an adult, that you don’t know and is at a business etc., it’s more difficult. You don’t know how they’re going to react, what they’re going to say- if they’re even nice. It’s nerve-wracking.

But I wanted to call them. I needed to.

I need to prove to myself that I can live with my anxiety. I need to prove to my worries and fears that I can overcome. I need to prove to my deep sadness that crawls out here and there that I can do it.

I need to prove it to the lady who told me I needed to get a “self-help book” to fix my problems.

You see, last month I went to a workshop that my school’s career center had. It was information about how to have a successful interview with an adult or superior There weren’t many students, there were just 5 of u… so that’s great. No one to hide behind. And yes the lady in charge made us share opinions and all that ishh. And from the first, few minutes she was already labeling me like everyone else in my life. Telling me I’m shy. I know. I need to speak up. I know. I need to be more open. Wow, she’s really not letting this go. Literally, this lady was the epitome of every person who labeled my anxiety as “shyness” or “quietness.” And she WOULD NOT leave it alone. She kept pointing me out and asking me questions I didn’t know the answer to… and she waited and I just felt like exploding. I wanted to leave the room but with so little people I would cause a scene and I would not want that. So she gave everyone interview example and she asked us to consider a weakness that we have and tell it out loud to the other kids. I didn’t know what else to say so I talked about my overthinking and how it messes with my mind.

This lady literally looked me dead in the eye and told me, “You know what? I think you should order a self-help book and boost your confidence… you should also grin more.” 

I didn’t smile a lot, I don’t like pleasing people with my smile. Why would I? If I like you, I’ll smile. And really, Miss, how are you gonna tell me to grin more? It’s not like you were giving me reasons to smile. The self-help book kind of threw me off guard for some reason.

That day was a really bad one for me. I believed. She didn’t know my story but I felt like she was right. In a way. It felt like she was. When she looked at me like that, it was like “Damn. Can I even do stuff like this with my anxiety?” Could I be capable of living a life with anxiety? This was a freaking school workshop about job interviews, it wasn’t even a real interview but this lady read through my deepest demons… dug them out and used them against me. I thought that since she’s an adult she’s right.

I’m going to struggle. I’m going to cry. I’m going to fail.

Going back to the phone call… It took me ten minutes to even call the people. I dialed the number then proceeded to just stare at my phone building the muster to hit the call button.

Then I clicked it. I needed to, like I said before.

This past weekend, I as in one of my deep holes. I really didn’t see a way out because everything was coming out of the dark: my anxiety, my friends that I seem to “burden,” my family being better off without me and my episodes, the guy who wasn’t capable of feeling the same way about me or even caring enough to keep our friendship, etc.

Then I got brought out of my hole. God really carried me through this time.

But getting out of that hole meant things needed to change. And the main thing that needed to change is my anxiety and how I deal with anxious situations.

If I’m going to live long enough to see how my future turns out I need to be okay with myself. Even if that means I have anxiety. I need to live with it. I need to live through it. I know, I know I’m not my mental illness but it’s what I have right now. It’s controlling me, it’s showing me what I don’t like and what I’m not comfortable with.

But if I’m going to try harder, I need to cross the comfort zone line a little bit. Even if it means making a  mere phone call to schedule an appointment.

It might not seem like much to you… but to that girl who was so scared that anxiety would take over her life where she sees that she’s not able to live with it, this is the world to her. 

And that’s who I’m doing this for.

I’m going to take more steps like this in the future. Even if they’re small steps. I’m going to stop allowing things to happen to me and start confronting. I’m going to start telling people my feelings, little by little. It’s gonna take a whole lot of time. I might find myself losing a bunch of hope but…

A week ago I couldn’t even picture myself making that phone call. To myself, I literally did the impossible. We never really know what we’re capable of.

Why stop before trying?


Also, side note lol, the lady I talked to on the phone was super nice. I could understand her and she never seemed to get upset with me or seem pissed off. I literally told her the dates and times and she was like, “Yep, okay. Got it!” She told me to have a nice day and I told her the same. It really was a weight off my worries and in the end, I was like “See that wasn’t so bad Rebecca! I’m so proud of you! (YES I talk to myself like this, do you have a problem? Lol)”

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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the moon.

Every night,

after I say a prayer and turn off my bedside lamp,

I look outside my window.

To look if I can see the moon.

Or a few stars.

On the nights that I can, I bask in their beauty.

I feel better. No matter how my day was- once I see that everything becomes ok.

Or at least it’s calming to think that things are going to turn out okay.

I can sleep peacefully when their presence is near.

It calms me in a way I can’t really describe.

One the nights that I can’t, it breaks my heart a little bit.

But only a little bit, because I know it’s out there somewhere- I just can’t see it out my window.

Maybe it’s in the window of a little girl who really needs its’ comfort.

Maybe it’s protecting a sleeping baby who’s basking in its’ presence.

I might be sad for a second if I don’t see it.

But I have this hope, every time I don’t see it, that I’ll see it tomorrow or some other day.

It eases me knowing that yesterday or the last time I’ve seen the moon won’t be the final time I’ll see it.

Either way, the moon either gives me comfort or hope.

How did God make something so beautiful? I’ll never understand it.

But the good thing is: I don’t have to.

I can just bask in its’ beauty and let it calm my soul.

That’s why I love the moon.

It brings me a serenity I can’t describe.

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I Forgot You Were There

I  thought that I was all alone.

I thought that no one was there for me.

I thought I was fighting my battles alone.

But I forgot.

I forgot that You were there for me.

I forgot that no matter what You’ll always be there, taking care of me and holding my hand.

Everyone makes broken promises, but You always keep your promises.

And you make sure that I know that You’ll keep your promises.

I thought that everyone had left me.

But You were always there.

My doubts are always wrong whenever I’m with You.

You make sure that I know You’ll never leave me.

I’m not alone in life.

I don’t have to worry.

Because You’re there and You will always be there.

I never have to have anxiety around You.

I never have to wonder if You’ll leave me alone.

I don’t have to feel any negative thoughts towards or about You.

Because You’ve always shown me that You’re right there with Your hand on my shoulder.

The world might be lonely sometimes, but with You always by my side, everything will be okay.

Even though sometimes I might feel lonely I never, ever am. Because You are always there.

I might forget that sometimes, but when I remember it’s the best feeling ever.

I don’t need a guy, I don’t need fake friends, I don’t have to try with You. Because You’ve already fought for my love and have shown me that You care and You always will.

You give me comfort, You give me hope, and You give me a future.

You’re the main reason I haven’t give up on life. It’s the fact that You’re always there for that’s made me stay.

It’s the fact that whenever I have a problem I can come running to you and you don’t mind at all. You actually like when I burden you with my problems. You like that I trust you enough to be vulnerable with You.

I couldn’t have done any of this without You.

And no matter what I might do You’ll always love me.

Thank you.

Thank you, God.

When everyone left, You always stayed. And I don’t know how I managed to forget that.

I Love You.

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Merry Christmas Eve!!

Oh my gosh, can you believe that it’s already Christmas Eve? I can’t even fathom how fast December has gone by.

I haven’t really been able to write posts this whole week because of school and Christmas shopping.

If you’ve read my latest posts you might think I’ve needed a break from everything that was hurting and I guess you might expect me to be broken. I would expect myself to be broken.

But, I’m actually really happy right now, while my Christmas spirit is kind of low. But at least I’m happy.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been able to look at all the happy things of my day and that has helped me to such a great extent. Before, I’ve been forgetting about my friends that have been there for me all this time and cherishing them now has made me 10x happier. Although I might not have many friends I have friends who are able to leave an unforgettable smile on my face. I have friends who care about how my day is going. I have friends who are friends and not fake at all. Knowing this makes all the stupid drama that my brain coughs up unimportant.

The other day I went shopping and I wasn’t really sure if I should buy Christmas presents for my family and friends because I haven’t really been in the Christmas spirit. But, once I got to the store and started imagining the happy faces of my loved ones if they were to get these things I thought why not? So I’m really happy that I got presents for everyone that I care about (and I’m kind of 50% more excited to wrap them. Does that make me weird? Lol). I just can’t wait to see the smiles on their faces. That’s all that matters to me.

To be very honest, this month hasn’t been the best. I mean it kinda sucks because December is my favorite month, not just because it’s my birthday month, but because it’s the month of reflection. We remember our whole year in this month and I think that that is something to be grateful for.

Right now, I just want to forget about the negative aspects of my year. I just want to remember the people who have been there for me in my bad times and my good times. They’re the ones who make me extremely grateful for everything. If it weren’t for the people in my life, I would 100% be broken right now. I’m just extremely grateful to God, even though I get angry over little things, He already knows that He put the right people in my life to be able to overcome whatever problem I have, and I could not thank him or love Him enough.

This Christmas Eve, even though I’m not really in the Christmas spirit this year, I am in the grateful and thankful (I know I’m a month late) spirit. I guess that’s what really matters this time of year. Not being thankful of what you’re going to get, but of what you already have. We could get all the presents that we want but none of them will amount to the love we have to the person giving them to us.

I hope you remember that.

Merry Christmas Eve!

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12.10.16: Carbon Monoxide

Ok this story confirms that chemistry has been haunting me, well it doesn’t but I needed an intro and I want to blame chemistry for something.

It was a Saturday night, I just finished my homework and was about to go to bed when I hear this incessant chirping. The smart person that I am thought that the sound was coming from the TV. But of course, I was wrong and the sound was actually coming from downstairs.

So like the brave girl I am I called my mom and asked her what that sound was. My mom didn’t hear anything because her room was farther away. So I went downstairs with my mom trailing behind and the beeping got louder and more annoying…. and scary.

Bear in mind that I literally just watched an episode of Criminal Minds and I was not ready for anything unexpected. Plus it was a basic Saturday night with me doing my homework, I wasn’t expecting anything eventful.

I went down further, into the caverns of my basement, and I discovered that the stupid beeping was coming from the carbon monoxide alarm. At first, I thought it was one of those instances where the battery dies or something. But the alarm kept chirping, and then a voice came out of it saying “Carbon monoxide. Stay away.” I got even more scared.

My mom opened the door to let fresh air in and after a minute or two, the beeping stopped. I was still scared though. I felt the need to tell someone, because my grandparents were sleeping in the living room, my brother was at a friend’s house, and my dad is in India. I chose to text my brother because even though the issue was solved maybe he would know what caused it. He said to stay away and keep the door opened. Then I told him that it stopped and he said to still stay away just in case.

Then after 5 minutes the beeping started again. My mom opened the door again. I texted my brother that it started again. He said that my mom and I should call an emergency operator and tell them that the alarm beeped twice. My mom was scared to call at first, but it proved to be useful.

Once she stated that someone was coming, I was more aware of my anxiety and especially aware that this was a “Real” situation and it was happening to us. It’s just hard to believe that life happens sometimes and things like this actually HAPPENS.

Well the fire department came, and it was VERY noticeable when they came. Light seeped through our closed windows, it shined so bright from the outside that our whole house was filled with light. When they show up, they show up. Of course, with my anxiety I was too scared to open the door so I asked my mom to open it. Three firefighters walked in and they went to business.

Well, there really was carbon monoxide in our house coming from the stove and their carbon monoxide meter was at 20 in our house. It should be at 0. But 20 isn’t a harmful level so thank God. They opened our windows and doors to make more fresh air come in.

It was very awkward for me. One of the guys told me to come in the kitchen to listen since my dad nor brother was there. I went full on petrified in that second. Their looks just made me feel like a kindergartener. Not even a small smile, I mean why would they? But still, it would’ve given me comfort. My voice suddenly went from 16 year old to a mouse. Yep, that’s me near authority.

When my brother came home he unplugged the stove and we were able to call our dad to tell him everything. I explained to him what the firefighters said and it was kind of cool for me to explain it. Because usually it would be my brother to take action, and I’m the observer. But it was the other way around and it was just a fresh perspective.

Well, the reason I shared this story isn’t to share a carbon monoxide story with you, because that’s kind of boring. When the whole carbon monoxide dilemma was over my brother said that he was proud of me.

I had no idea why? I mean I really didn’t do anything and I told him that. Then he told me that I made logical decisions, that’s why he’s proud.

When he said that it didn’t seem to matter that I shrunk under authority and made my mom do all the important things.

Did he really see me as making logical decisions? Did he really think my actions were something to be proud of?

I don’t feel like I did anything. I just feel like I reacted. Plus it was my anxiety reacting most of the time.

Btu if he can see me in that way, maybe I will be able to be more than the girl with the anxiety. Because even with the anxiety I was able to pull through.

But honestly, God pulled me through this whole thing. I just need to say that. Because I was so scared that I’m pretty sure I was sweating when the windows and doors were open. The carbon monoxide was at a steady level and to think the other way around is just… but I don’t have to think about that because He was there for me, He was there for us. And I can’t find any other word than thank you and I love you to show my gratitude to Him.

So conclusion? Stay safe. Through any situation, just breathe and think about rational things. The first rational thing I did was tell my mom about the sound instead of investigating myself. Even if it’s something wimpy like that (even though I don’t see it as wimpy, it was 11 at night and the sound was coming from the dark basement) it could forever change the outcome of any situation.

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Hello, Junior: Day 2

Day 2 of Junior Year finished!

Today, was well… It was a mix between good and bad.

I came a couple minutes early today! So I went to my second period class, because today was an even day (Periods 2, 4, 5, 6, and 8). I walked and sat down in the classroom and I noticed the teacher. It was a lady. I was confused because on my schedule it said that my teacher was a man. I thought maybe he was out sick or something. Then, there was an announcement on the intercom…. Apparently we were supposed to go to homeroom before going to 2nd period. It was funny on my part, I just slyly walked out of the room, heading to my homeroom.

Homeroom was… something else. We were going to have a practice fire drill and let me just say this. It’s a big school. There are a lot of students. The teachers name the hallways and the outside areas, and I still don’t know their names. Our teacher told us we were going to the large practice field. I have no idea what or where that is. I do what I always do in these situations, find a classmate that’s ahead of me and go where they’re going. It’s always worked for me, except for this time.

On the stairwell, my homeroom teacher was a few steps behind me. I got outside and I was lost. You’ve never known lost until you see a group a people, not a group, a heard, a crowd, a war of people. I tried following this kid but he was one of those don’t follow the rules kid. Then I saw another kid, who was a smart one, but he was lost too and I didn’t just want to creepily follow behind him. I went to go search for my group but no luck. It kind of comforted me that I wasn’t the only student that was lost. But my anxiety hated it.

Then the bell rang for 2nd period. I was kind of happy because I knew my best friend would be in this class as well. 2nd period was Modern World. I haven’t been the best at social studies. but since last year I’ve actually been doing better! Freshmen year, I got a c in U.S. History. But I got an A in Government. I just don’t really have a strength in history based concepts. The teacher was funny, but I just have this off feeling about him. He called me out in class. He called out a lot of people, but I don’t know, I’m not sure yet. Another one of my friends were in this class so that was really, really nice.

4th period was Algebra 2. It’s so weird, the teacher is the same one as my Algebra 1 teacher in Freshman Year. It was the same classroom too, so it was like a flash in the past. She’s really chill and cool, she makes math less of a headache and makes the concepts easy to learn. But the people. I knew two people in that class. I thought they were friends, but they were just fake friends. The only time they said hello was to get help. I don’t really like the people, but I really like the teacher. Hopefully, it’ll get better in the future.

8th period was an AP English class. The teacher was very… extraordinary. The kids were talking kind of loud and when he first started talking, wrong word, started yelling I thought at first he was going to tell everyone to shut up. But then he just started shouting “OK I HAVE 2 STORIES TO TELL YOU.” Then he just started telling narratives. He’s very… unique? He has these voices when reading something and he talks excitably when reading. Lol, he didn’t even introduce his name or the class until 30 minutes in.

We also went to go take pictures during 8th period and this girl and I we were in this line, but then the people in front of us went into a different line and we thought we were in the wrong line. So, she and I went in this other line… and it took FOREVER. Then, the majority of our class left, there were only like 4 of us in there that was in the same class. Then 2 got their picture taken and left. Then it was only the girl and I. My anxiety was just overflowing at this point. But the girl being there kind of helped me. She talked to me and I talked to her. She started talking about how our class left and how the line wasn’t moving, and it made me feel that I wasn’t alone in this situation. Ok, the line was still not moving at this point. So we literally got in the line that we were in in the first place. And it was literally faster, the 2nd line was still at the same amount of people. We got our pictures and ID’s and we went back to class. It wasn’t that bad knowing that I wasn’t alone in this.

One of my friends were in my English class but I wasn’t really sure what she considered me. All of my friends from last year kind of forgotten about me, and I was scared to just go up to her and say hello. Well, at the end of class she noticed me and she was surprised and happy. She scolded me for not telling her I was across the room. I knew. I knew she was a friend at that moment. She told me that I was going to sit next to her last class and she was going to tell the whole class that I was her friend. She just made my day so much better.

As you can see, my day wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t that good either. But through it all, I tried to stay positive. I tried not to blame God for something bad that happened to me, but I do tend to do that. It’s weird that I kind of did that today, because one of the stories our teachers told us was a story about a man who had everything taken away from him. His home, his crops, his animals, his wife, his kids, yet he still thanked God. He thanked God even in his bad moments, even when everything got taken from him. Even though my day started bad it ended good.

I learned a lot today. I’m really going to try this year. I’m not going to give up just because my mind says to. I’m going to get through it. I’m going to work my hardest to stay strong, and even in my broken moments I won’t give up and dig myself into my hole. I’ll try. I’ll fight. I want to survive. I want to make it. I don’t want to give up too easily.

A roller coaster turns up and down and around and upside down, but in the end you always come back safely to the ground. Through the twists and turns, you always make it through.

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