you are enough. and you don’t need a signifcant other to prove that.

As a quiet, observant teenager I notice a lot of things.

I see stories, I see people, I see things no one else sees.

But there’s one specific thing I’ve seen that really bothers the hell out of me.

And that specific thing, I’ve seen in the actions of my own generation, in kids of my own age… in me.

Teenagers have built a toxic mentality when it comes to having or falling for a significant other. 

I’ve seen it in television, in my friends, and as I said before, in me.

You see, when I was falling for Phoenix I did things I’m not proud of: I put him in the forefront of my mind. 

The only texts I cared about was his.

The only smile I cared to see was his.

The only person I wanted to hug was him.

There was even a time when I used to pick my friend up after her first period last year and half of the reason why I wanted to was because he was in her class (half, I still wanted to see my friend… but that doesn’t justify my mentality).

But it’s not only me who does this.

In the past week only, I’ve seen my friends do it too.

My best friend, Luna, has liked her crush for 3 years. She’s a very closed off person and is very unemotional. So it’s hard to talk to her about things or have her talk about her feelings.

I don’t like her crush. He’s not good for her. And her mentality is truly toxic. She’s the type of person that, if she were to fall in love, she would love the guy 100%. And she would love him and not love herself, the only way she could love herself was if he loved her for herself… if that makes sense. And it pisses me off because she deserves so much more than a guy. But a guy and loving a guy is the only thing on her mind.

The only thing on our, teenagers, minds.

So I showed her something that hurt and she was unemotional about it. I asked her why she doesn’t care and she told me she’s pretty much unemotional about things… unless it involves her family or him. Him. Basically, she said she doesn’t care about anything unless it involves this guy. That made me mad.

Not only at her, but for her. Because her mentality is so focused on a guy that she doesn’t even realize the toxicity of it.

But I can’t be mad at her because I used to be her.

I mean Phoenix wasn’t the only thing that made me emotional over the past year, but whether I talked to him or not it determined my mood for the day sometimes.

And I couldn’t control it.

And another example, one of the many things Luna cares about it how fast her crush replies to her text. This week, he took 4 days to reply to a text of hers. That was pretty much one of the only things on her mind.

When she told me that (through text), I didn’t reply to her text.

Because of a text? Really? It’s only been 4 days. As long as you know he’s going to reply it’s all good. At least be thankful you know he’s going to reply.

She, again, pissed me off.

Why? Because she puts all of her efforts into pleasing this guy? Yes. But also I can see pieces of the girl I used to be in her. The pieces of a girl who was falling headfirst before thinking about herself; pieces of a girl before heartbreak, pieces of a girl who put a guy at the forefront of everything in her life.

And it scares me. Because I honestly can’t do anything for her. She knows what happened with Phoenix: all the heartbreak, overthinking, and tears. I even told her before that I don’t want her to feel the way I felt over Phoenix. But it won’t change her mentality. Because this guy is “all she has.” There’s no one falling for her. So she falls for the only person she can fall for in her life.

And I haven’t only seen this in Luna, but my other friends.

This week at lunch, one of my friends said that she wants a boyfriend. Because she wants someone to hold her, give her cute hugs and all that. Make her happy. My other friend, Hydra, agreed with her.

Why?

I don’t understand it. I mean, I do, I’ve lived through it. But why are we like this?

When my friend said she wanted hugs and happiness I thought, “Don’t we,  your friends, give that to you? Isn’t that enough?”

Isn’t it enough? Isn’t the love of friends and the love of yourself enough?

Why isn’t it enough? Why doesn’t it feel like it’s enough?

Why is it that as teenagers we always chase after someone? I know for a fact one of the reasons I wanted Phoenix so much was because I just wanted cute hugs and hand-holding. But can’t my friends give that to me?

Actually… my friends do give that to me. But the difference is, when they hug me I ACTUALLY feel safe and loved, something Phoenix has never made me feel. Because, as much as I can force myself to believe something that’s not true… at the end of the day, I can’t force him to care about me as much as I care about him.

And I’m learning to accept that.

I know. Most of my friends would yell at me for not trying harder with him because maybe if I tried a little harder he would be my boyfriend. I’m in a place with him that my friends would love to be in.

A crush who actually knows your name, your personality, and knows you for who you are.

But I don’t want more… anymore.

I don’t want to force something that isn’t there.

I’m not in a place where a boyfriend would be a good choice.

I’ve never been in a relationship. Personally, it scares me. And I don’t think jumping into one is the best choice. Especially if I am “right there.”

I want to love myself before being given the opportunity to love someone else. Because maybe if I told Phoenix sooner, we would be in a relationship and I would’ve eventually fallen in love with him. But it wouldn’t have been right, to him or me.

Because there are times when I still can’t look in a mirror and moments where I find it hard to love myself.

And that’s the problem.

Society has toxified our minds.

Making us think that the only way we can love ourselves and feel “complete” is if we had someone else, a significant other, to do it for us.

But how do you expect to love someone if you can’t even love yourself?

And what would you do with yourself if that person suddenly didn’t love you anymore? Would you suddenly not love yourself anymore? Because you weren’t enough?

What is it with us and thinking we aren’t enough?

We. Are. So. Enough. It’s. Actually. Inexplainable. How. Enough. We. Are.

Yes, having a significant other to hold and be happy with would be nice… but it shouldn’t be because we feel empty inside.

It should be because we feel whole and okay that we want to share that wholeness with someone else.

It shouldn’t be because we need to be saved.

Because that person’s purpose isn’t gonna be to save you. Only you can save yourself.

Our friends, family, ourselves… that’s enough.

Just because the person you really want to talk to isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean you should treat the actual people who love you like crap.

There are some incredible people that are here for you.

Don’t take them for granted just because that one boy or girl doesn’t like you.

We have our whole lives to live and to fall in love.

Do you really wanna think back and only remember the days that went by hoping some irrelevant crush texted you or not?

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11.09.17 Story Time: The Time I Told My Crush/Friend I Like Him

WOAH WOAH WAIT… is that… is that Rebecca? Is she back from the deep, dark blog depths? Has hopelesslystrong been brought back to life?

Well, lol, hopelesslystrong never died. If anything died it would be Rebecca’s blog skills which school killed.

And if you don’t know or remember who I am, I’m someone who loves to refer to themselves in the third person.

Lol, but really, how are you guys? It’s been a while! School really has been slowly killing me. It’s November and I already have senioritis. And yes, it’s bold because it’s scary.

I’ve been so busy with my college-level classes, college essays, financial aid for college, mental emotions, feelings, homework, ap classes, etc.

I haven’t had time to even pull up my blog… but here I am! Yes, I am still here and this blog is still prospering!

And boy, do I have a story for you.

One of the main reasons I started this blog was because I wanted to be able to visit this blog in the future and look back at old posts of who I was and the things I’ve accomplished. Like an online diary but better (I could never keep up with a diary).

Well as you read from the title, I did something I never thought I would ever do in my anxiety-filled life.

I told my crush/friend I have feelings for him.

And yes, this is the same guy I’ve ridden a rollercoaster for, for the past year: Phoenix.

Since maybe September, I’ve been thinking about telling him the truth but I always shut it down because hello? I have anxiety. I could never tell him. I could never imagine myself telling him. But as days passed, things got more difficult. Example?

Nah, I’ll give you examples.

I have a friend group now and I told them all about my feelings. All of them, well those who knew him, were telling me different perspectives of the story of him and his ex. The thing is, he’s best friends with his ex. They’re always together. And one friend told me, his ex still wants him and she’s lowkey obsessed with him. Another friend told me they’re just friends. A third friend told me they got back together. And all of it blew my mind. I just wanted to know whether I was ever anything to him. Or if I was just, what the kids call these days: a side piece.

I was confused by his actions. This is the same guy who broke my heart in the summer. Somedays it’s like I was talking to a wall. A tough, brick wall. And now that we’re back in school we’re okay again? I want to know where his head is at. If I did mean anything to him.

My mind was controlling me. Every interaction with him and I mean EVERY interaction had my mind thinking “He likes me” or “No he doesn’t like me.” And it was driving me i.n.s.a.n.e. Truly insane. Because his actions? They were the definition of mixed signals. He pushed me to a wall once… nope, twice. But not in a way that hurt me. And then last week, he saw me sad and he was like “No, we’re going to talk about why you’re so sad.”

And if you asked my close, CLOSE friends how many times I’ve told them/asked them if I should tell him or not… they would give you so many detailed descriptions and time stamps of an anxious, make-up-your-mind Rebecca who was really lost.

So last week Friday, I took the one opportunity I had to ask him to talk. My friend, Hydra (yes, all my friends will have star names) and I stayed after school. We saw him walking somewhere. He started walking with me while Hydra walked ahead. He asked me where I was going and I told him. He hugged me and told me to “Be Safe.” He was about to leave but I just took that opportunity because I really didn’t know what I was going to text him to ask him to talk because I lowkey don’t like virtual him. So I turned back around and asked “Is there a day we could talk? I need to tell you something.” And he asked “When? Next week?” And I said “Yeah, any day.” He started thinking of days. Thank goodness he didn’t ask me why. He said “Thursday” but he wasn’t sure yet. He was really doubtful. He’s a really busy person. And he’s canceled on me last minute before. So I didn’t really believe that we were going to talk Thursday.

But I was still proud of myself because I made a split-second decision without overthinking it. I actually asked him to talk. 

But there was the hard part: Actually telling him.

All week long, I was anxious about it but at the same time, I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t really sure it was actually going to happen. It didn’t feel real. I mean it was me. Rebecca. Anxiety. Nervous. Worried. Rebecca. Who has never even thought of telling past crushes she liked them. Or even thought she would tell this crush she liked him. And the thought of actually telling him? I could picture it but only as a daydream. And I knew it wasn’t going to be as dramatic as my mind played it out to be.

But then we saw each other on Tuesday and I posted a video of my singing on Snapchat and he commented on it saying “I finally did it” and that made me smile because I’m really shy about my singing. He confronted me about it telling me that it was good and he wanted to hear more. This conversation happened after school, at a school club, that two of my friends: Lyra and Ethasia founded. (They are apart of the story too. They were the ones I group texted after I asked him for a day. They’re close friends with him and are sort of one of the only honest plugs to information about him and his ex and they’re really supportive and give great hugs. They’re best friends with each other) Majority of my friends were at this club including Hydra, another friend, Kara, and Phoenix’s best friend (not his ex) Linx. His best friend is a girl just so you know and she is friends with my friends which is why I started to become friends with her. But she’s also friends with Phoneix’s ex.

Do you see why everything started getting frustrating for me? Everyone is literally connected in their last year of high school. My friends would hang out with Linx which would mean Phoenix and his ex would be there. And it didn’t help my situation. I would barely talk or even look at Phoenix because his ex is honestly scary… anyway,

I didn’t want Linx to know about liking him because I didn’t know her that well. I thought she would tell Phoenix. AND I thought she would tell his ex. So no thanks.

After I had a conversation with Phoneix about my singing, which Hydra witnessed she went back in the room and said loudly to Kara, “That sexual tension though.” And he was literally r.ig.h.t. t.h.e.r.e. I yelled at her and she said she didn’t recognize his back profile and thought he was a girl because of his stance. I was still shaking inside and hit her. Then the club started but I could barely pay attention. I wasn’t sitting with him. I was sitting with Kara, Linx, Hydra, and another one of their friends. While he was sitting on the other side with his ex.

But they’re not together.

And Hydra still exposed me. She told Kara what happened and the friend and especially Linx heard. Then Hydra told Linx I was in love with him. And I was like “WOAH WOAH wait hold up, I am not in love with him. I just like him.” And Linx asked me, “So are you in love or do you just like him?” And I confirmed that I just liked him. I hit Hydra a lot after that and yelled at her. But I found out that our other friends Magi and my best friend Luna already exposed my secret to Linx earlier that day.

But she’s chill. She told me she wasn’t going to tell him. She asked me, “Are you going to tell him?” and I said, “Yeah, maybe Thursday.” She smiled and gave me a fist bump. She told me she would’ve tried to get information from me but it would have been obvious since he knows Linx and I are friends now. Plus, I didn’t need it since I was gonna tell him later that week, right? The funny thing is, she saw us when Phoenix and I were talking earlier and she “sensed” that something was there. But all my friends are just extra.

I told her a couple of things; when I started liking him, the park, the library. And she told me that he’s 100% single and he told his ex he’s not interested in her anymore. But what did that do for me?

Did I still like him? He’s done a lot of shit to me. And the main reason I wanted to tell him was so that I could move on hopefully since all of it would be out there and I wouldn’t have to overthink anymore. But I didn’t know what I wanted at this point. He was single and I was gonna tell him I like him… or liked him? I didn’t even know. I vented to Lyra about it and she eased me. But I was still scared.

Then the next day, Wednesday, came: Phoenix confirms that he can do Thursday. Lyra and Ethasia were ecstatic and told me they believed in me. This was one of the reasons I could tell him. Because I had such a great support system behind me. Even if he did break my heart, so many people would be there for me. The panic started but it was only Wednesday. The worry can wait for Thursday.

At this point, I told my friend group about confronting him Thursday and bless, cause of that great support system. Kara and Hydra said they would be at the library (lowkey spying lol) while I talked to him (if that was where he and I were going to talk) supporting me.

Thursday comes. It’s a half day at my school because the quarter is over. We got out at noon which gives more time to hang out after school. (Since it’s winter, the days are shorter here) I was nervous. But I didn’t feel the heart palpitations until I saw him.

I didn’t see him during school which is kind of a good thing because I was already freaking out.

Lunch was my last period and all my friends were consoling me and asking me if I was ready and if I knew what I was going to say and I was like “Hell no. I’m freaking out. I’m  just going to wing it.” Then the bell rang. School was out and it was time to walk to the bus stop.

I walked with Hydra, Kara, and our friend Aikra (lol these names) who was going to meet her boyfriend at 3 so she came with us. We were all going downtown. They were all going to support me at the library.

He texted me and he told me we would meet up at 7eleven. But then my friends told me he was walking up to me. All three of them were facing the opposite direction that I was. And the way I was facing, my back was turned so I didn’t see him walking up… and I really didn’t want to turn around. I told them “Really? He is? I don’t want to turn around. I’m getting panicky. That feeling is starting in my chest.” I really felt anxious and I could feel it in my chest, my heart, my throat, everywhere. Then Hydra, and her extra self was like “Okay, guys turn around let them be.” Lol, they didn’t even say bye to me and I was like “Really, guys?”

So I had to turn around and face him. I really thought he would approach me when I was talking to my friends but he let me be until I finished talking to them. I turned around and he was smiling at me. Yep, I’m done. Already. He asked me what they were saying about him and I told them “They’re talking bad about you” as a joke lol.

So we walked in a different direction from my friends because he wanted to go to a bus stop that wasn’t really crowded. Because pretty much all the kids were going downtown after school (that’s the cliche hang out place that would be in movies). So we walked all the way to a different bus stop I didn’t even know of. It was f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. My nose and fingertips get cold so easily. And all this boi was wearing was a jean jacket. I asked him, “You’re not cold?” And he said “No. Are you?” I was packed up like a marshmallow… Man I’m just realizing I could’ve used some great sarcasm. Dang it.

I got nervous because he didn’t know I wanted to tell him something specific. He thought I just wanted to hang out. So I started panicking, even more so than before. I texted Hydra, and then Ethasia and Lyra in a group chat.

Lol so we went to the bus stop and we were the only ones there. We had to wait for maybe 20 minutes in the cold. We talked about our classes and school. This fool forgot that we were in the same precalculus class and I got butthurt and he apologized lol. He said he told people he felt like someone was missing but no one believed him. We both talked about how we were utterly lost in AP Bio. I told him about the difficulty playing bar chords on the guitar. He asked me, “Is it cause of your short fingers?” and I defended myself saying “No it’s cause of the transitioning, I’m just not used to it. I’m getting better at it. ” He was shocked at me defending myself lol because I really DEFENDED myself. Then the bus came and we didn’t know if we had to pay or use our school id’s since school let out early. He said that he would talk to the bus driver lol but he said nothing. But they accepted it. Then when we reached the stops near our school, teens got on and the bus got packed AND loud. Lol, I lost Phoenix because I was sitting and he was standing. So when it got full he had to go all the way to the back of the bus. I was like “What? Where did he go?” But thankfully I went downtown before with some friends and knew when to get off. It gave me some time to myself. But the kids, they yelled. It was annoying. They were shouting to each other on the bus. And I looked back at this lady on the bus and her face read like, “Girl, these are your people.” And I was like “Please don’t associate me with them.”

Then we got off the bus when we reached downtown and he was already out by the time I got out. He was smirking. He made fun of the fact that he could block them out with earphones but I couldn’t because my earphones broke.

I texted Hydra and her, Kara, and Aikra reached downtown before we did so there would be no awkward encounters of seeing them at the library, right? Wrong. As soon as we got off the elevator, he said: “Look who it is.” And there stood my three friends and I immediately thought, “Oh shit.” So, this made him kind of suspicious he was like, “Oh so you were on your phone like telling them, ‘Guys we’re going to the library'” And I said, “Noooo I didn’t know they were coming to the library, I thought they were going ice skating.” We were gonna go ice skating, my friends and I, but we couldn’t do it at the last minute. So everyone went to the library.

So Phoenix and I went up the stairs to the kid’s floor of the huge library. Yes, the library is very huge and very chill. We had our first hang out here back in May… and now it’s November. These months just flew by.

So when we got there he asked me “Do you want to go to the bathroom? Go warm up your hands?” At first, I didn’t want to go but I needed the bathroom pep talk lol. But I couldn’t give myself one because a mom and her baby were there and the mom was already eyeballing me for some reason. It’s like she knew. Lol I’m just kidding. So I checked myself in the mirror and took deep breaths. Then after a minute, I went back to where he was sitting then he went to the bathroom. And again, I had time to think about how I was going to tell him the truth or if I even was going to.

He came back from the bathroom and it was funny cause he took longer than me. He came back and said: “She’s wondering why this guy is talking so long, right?”

I didn’t want to like jump right into it. Because I haven’t had a real conversation with him in a long time. I wasn’t even sure this guy was still there because for the past few months all we’ve been talking about were insults and fighting each other (he comes for my life for being short). I wanted to talk to him about life and stuff, plus I needed to ease into the conversation because I was hella scared about telling him. Because there he was. I’ve been thinking about this since the Friday I asked him for a day. Wait, not even since then, since like September when I vented to one of my OG best friends, Draco, venting to her about him and she told me the only way I could move on was if I told him the truth. Now there I was.

It was nice to talk to him again. We talked about simple stuff: life, friends, family, the movie “It,” etc.

He was sitting in a chair and I was sitting on a wood panel thing. Then we switched places cause my back was hurting. And lol, I didn’t know this, but Kara later told me that she and Hydra sneaked up on us while he was sitting in the chair and they saw us talking and Hydra was really loud. But THANK GOODNESS we both didn’t hear them because he would’ve gotten more suspicious. And he’s really good at body language, so if he noticed that my body language changed cause I heard Hydra, he would ask me what’s wrong. And for some reason, I don’t see a reason to lie to him when things happen with my friends or about anything really.

But I was freaking out throughout it. Because at one point, he mentioned the people he trusted and he listed Linx, then his ex, then this other guy friend. And I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex and he gave me this disgusted “No” like there was no smirk in it or smile or anything. He genuinely doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. But that was a reason I was freaking out. And another one was that we were talking about the show “Friends” and you guys know Chandler? The sarcastic one? Well Phoenix asked me, “Would you fall for a guy who makes sarcastic jokes like Chandler?” And I froze. I literally froze and didn’t say anything to him for 10 seconds and he was like “Wait, what happened? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.” And I was like “No there’s nothing wrong with the question. Yeah, I would want a guy who has sarcasm.” But I freaked out because I DID fall for a guy with sarcastic jokes, Phoenix, it’s you. And then while he was talking to me there were so many indications that he just saw us as friends or it was just me chickening out.

And I was texting my friends a lot because I was freaking out, I especially texted Hydra and she gave me a pep talk; telling me I would regret it if I didn’t tell him. And when we switched sitting positions, he called me out for texting people and he was like “You’re probably telling them why is this guy talking about “It” so much?” And I told him, “No, my friends were just telling me when they were leaving.” And he smirked and said “Okay.” And turned to look out the window and I said to his hair, “You really want to know?” But YOU GUYS. I said that in the most cringe-worthy voice ever. And he kept imitating it. Urghhhhh I wanted to melt.

Then he tried to like unlock my phone but he locked himself out. Then he wiped my phone screen and was like “Do your password one more time and I’ll figure it out.” And I was like “Bruh I’m not dumb, I do that with my dad’s phone. I’m in forensics, I know stuff.” We both laughed. But I was so nervous. Literally, no words came out of my mouth. And I tried really hard but nothing. He was trying to get it out of me and he was being sweet about it. Then I told him “It makes me nervous and gives me anxiety. You know that.” And he said, “You can feel anxious afterwards it’s okay now.” I laughed and told him, “Uhmm that’s not how it works.”

Then he said, “Look there are your friends” and I thought he was kidding but there my friends were. I asked him “Is it cool if I go talk to them?” And he said, “Yeah, of course.”

I got up from where we were sitting and started talked to them. They told me that they were leaving. I felt bad cause they were like waiting for me to tell him but I was panicking. Kara told me it’s okay if I don’t want to tell him and I was like bless lol but Hydra pushed her and was like “Girl bye.” Hydra and Aikra were telling me to do it and I told them what was panicking me, him trusting his ex and the Chandler thing. Then Kara was like “Guys we’re whispering pretty loud.” We were like a foot away from him. And I turned to look at him and he was turned back at  smirking back at us and I was like “Oh shit” Then they left and I went back to him.

Then he was like, “I heard what you guys were talking about” and he was smirking. I full on started panicking. Like if I was panicking before, this was the highest level it could reach. I got so scared. I said “… you did? What did you hear?” My voice got small and my facial expression changed. He noticed how much my demeanor changed and he asked “What? What are you worrying for?” And I again asked, “Like you really heard what we said?” and he said “Yeah.” I still don’t know what he heard. We did whisper pretty loud. But we never explicitly said, “Did you tell him you like him?” They were just like “Did you tell him?” And I said, “No I didn’t tell him.”

Then he asked me this would you rather question and I answered and we talked about it. Then he asked me if we should keep asking each other those types of questions or if he should keep trying to question me about the thing I wanted to tell him.

I was, again, really nervous. He asked me “Are you uncomfortable?” And I told him the honest truth: “Yeahhhhh” He got really serious and he tried to get it out of me. He kept staring at me while the word never came out. I told him “You have to stop looking at me though.” He turned around to look out the window and I still couldn’t get the truth out and he turned back around and smiled at me and arched his eyebrow and I laughed with some nervousness.

It took like 10 minutes to get the truth out.

Then he started like looking down at his lap listening and I was like “Okay just do it, Rebecca.” I didn’t want to say I like you from the start of the sentence, not only cause I physically couldn’t but because I wanted to ease into it. So I went through our whole backstory like: “You know how we became friends junior year then we started talking and texting a lot?” Then he mentioned how we stopped talking for like those 2 weeks of the “Chapstick thing.” I was like, internally, dang you actually remembered that? Because this boi sure does lose focus a lot and forget things. Then I continued “Yeah we stopped talking for a week and we started again and we went to the library and the park… well through that, I started getting feelings for you.” To be honest I didn’t really wanna say I like you because it didn’t really feel like the right words to use. And the last part of that sentence was hard to get out but it somehow came out.

Thank goodness, because he wasn’t staring at me when I said that so it made the nervousness better. Because if he was staring at me, I would’ve bolted out of there. No running in the library? I really don’t care. I would’ve been gone. And I thought because he didn’t overreact or seem shocked (which is so great) that maybe he knew so I asked him “Did you know?” He shook his head and said “No.”He was calm, which is good. Because I, on the other hand, as you know, was FREAKING OUT. But the hardest part to say was out there.

Then I resumed the story of what happened “Then you got a girlfriend in the summer and I didn’t talk to you for a month. I tried cutting you out of my life but I couldn’t because you didn’t even know anything was wrong and I couldn’t be mean to you.” He like eased the conversation by making jokes, one of them was about cutting him out, and it made me feel SO MUCH better. I didn’t want it to be so serious cause that would kill me.

Then he was the one to look at me while I looked away and he asked me “Do you still have feelings for me?” I said “Honestly I don’t know.”

Then he was like “Let me be honest with you…” My heart was a freaking drum at this point. I was shaking and my breathing was all over the place. Then we started making eye contact again and it was out there now. So he told me that he officially broke up with his girlfriend last year, in November. Then he found out she didn’t move on and stuff. She’s still trying to get to him, even now. But they’re friends.

Then he told me about his summer girlfriend. He thought that his ex would move on if he got a girlfriend. He said he met this girl at a church fundraiser and he started liking her. Then she moved or something (honestly I don’t remember this detail, I was too busy hoping he wouldn’t break my heart more than it already was because the walls were so damn down at this point, I couldn’t build them back up) but yeah, he said he didn’t want to do a long-distance relationship.

He asked me if I wanted to know his honest feelings and I was scared at first because I really thought he was going to break my heart. Then he asked me “Why did you tell me?” I said, “Cause I wanna move on and I wanted you to know.” He said, “Dang that’s actually a good idea.”

He again asked me, “Are you sure you want to know?” I shakingly agreed. I think I was melting in the chair. He said, “First, I don’t want my ex coming after you. Because she always finds a way. She’ll find out about this one way or another, she’ll even find out about us hanging out.” I told him “That’s what Lyra told me but yeah, I’m lowkey scared of her” laughing. He said “Nah she won’t do anything. If she does you can tell me. Or if she asks you if you liked me you can say no or tell her the truth.”  Then he asked, “What would you do if she does anything?” I said “Bruh, I would run. Run really fast. I would let Lyra or Hydra deal with that but I would run out of there.”

But to be honest, I’m not as scared of her as I used to be. She’s just a teenager like me who fell in love and she’s not going to do anything to me, she can’t. I just got out of the drama, this girl is not reeling me back in.

Then he asked me, “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I again told him, “I don’t know.” Because I was honestly scared, I’ve never been in a relationship. But I didn’t want to tell him that because he’s been in a few while I’ve never even been kissed or have ever gone on a date.

He told me, “Honestly, I don’t have time for a relationship.” I know where he’s coming from and I’m honestly the same way. I don’t even have time to use my blog anymore. He was telling me, “You’re a sweet person. You’re honest, reserved, and funny.” He was like listing good qualities off on his fingers and internally I was like “HOLD YP YOU KNOW I GOTTA REMEMBER THIS TO REPEAT TO MY FRIENDS” lol if he heard my thoughts… But he just doesn’t have time because of school, church, family, soccer, college, etc. I completely understood him because I’m really busy too.

He then said “You would be a great girlfriend honestly. But I just don’t have time. I’m like a surgeon making appointments next months cause I’m so busy.”

But bless, because he was so sweet about it. He said “If you still have feelings for me in the future, you can just tell me like ‘Hey, Phoenix, I still have feelings for you'” in like this whiny voice and I was like bruh I don’t sound like that. It was nice that he was making it casual and funny because I was terrified of the conversation. He also said “I’m not going to be that person that’s like ‘Ohhhhhh I know Rebecca like me now'” all egotistically.

Plus, he knows that I tell Lyra stuff now. There was a time when he asked Lyra something and she talked about me and he said “Ohhhh that’s why.” And when I told Lyra she was like, “Bruh I was the plug, why would you tell him?!??” And I laughed and was like “It’s done dude. I wanted all the cards on the table.”

ALSO this is the big one. He wants to make sure I don’t make our friendship awkward. Which he knew I would make awkward because I’m me lol. He really wants to try he was like “We have to find ways so that it doesn’t become awkward between us. Like we can still hang out and still snap each other and talk.” I told him “You know I’m going to make it awkward though” I laughed and he smiled.

But it’s nice because he was so chill about it and he wasn’t weird about it. He was the one who made it comfortable for me, not the other way around.

Then he connected more pieces and I told him that’s why my friends were at the library, that’s what they were talking about, and that’s why I was on my phone so much.

He had to leave at around 3 because he had to go to soccer practice. So he got up and put on his backpack and asked “Should I give you a hug or should I just leave?” I told him “You should just leave… no I’m just kidding.” I got up and I got a REAL hug from him which lasted only a second and his bag was in the way. He asked, “Are you gonna ride the bus home with me?” And I told him “I should ask my friends if they’re still here.” Because Aikra was waiting downtown until 3 because her boyfriend was going to come at 3. I texted Hydra and she literally left 5 minutes before and she was like “WHAT SHOULD I GET OFF THE BUS?” lol but it was too late. Aikra was still there at a restaurant and Phoenix knows downtown better than me so I asked him, “Can you walk me there?” He said “Yeah.”

We rode the elevator and it wasn’t awkward lol but when we were waiting for the elevator he said “That’s a new belt.” I looked down and stared at him and was like “Dude really?” And he laughed lol. Then throughout our conversation I took my glasses off and when we got off the elevator everything was blurry and I said, “Wait why can’t I see anything?” And he laughed saying “What did you say? Did you ask why you can’t see?” He started dying and I told him how sometimes I walk out of the house without glasses and I’m like “Nope, can’t see shit.” It’s nice that we were still seemingly friends and he really was trying and is trying to not make it awkward.

So he dropped me off at the restaurant, I saw Aikra and one of his friends was there eating so he walked in and said hi to him. I went to Aikra and she asked “How did it go?” and I said “No hug me first” lol. She was really excited and happy because I told her that I told him over text 5 minutes prior. I sat with her and caught her up then she told me he was leaving and he walked out. Then a few seconds later Aikra pointed and said “Look there he is” and I was confused because I thought perceptions were fooling me again and I said “Wait I thought he already left” to Aikra. And she said, “Yeah he came back in to say bye to you.” And he did. I turned around. He came back into the restaurant to wave bye to me and I waved back and continued telling Aikra what happened.

Aikra’s boyfriend couldn’t show because he had to watch his little brother. So we went shopping.. sorry looking at clothes because we were too broke to afford anything. Then we went back to the restaurant to eat and the two of us had our own “date.” And I brought my songbook and Aikra read my songs and it was just a nice ending to an already good day.

I was so happy. I am so happy. I told everyone how happy and free I am. Because he knows. I don’t have to assume anymore. No more overthinking. Because everything is off the table, or on the table as Lyra and I were arguing about the metaphor lol. But it’s out. I don’t have to overthink his actions. He’s cool with it, that’s so great. I’m happy, which is a blessing. Everything turned out okay, better than okay.

The truth really does set you free. 

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love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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boy rant: i am not a convinience.

What can I say?

How do I say it?

Life happened.

The universe wants to kick me around.

The book doesn’t want this chapter to end.

I don’t know.

All I know is that seeing him after a month of not talking to him affected me.

And a lot has happened in 2 and a half weeks.

Do you want me to catch you up?

Ok hold on because this is a damn rollercoaster ride… but I assure you, it will be over soon.

Yes, this is about Phoenix. Honestly, what isn’t nowadays?

Let’s begin.

It’s the second day of school. I didn’t see him at all on the first day. Honestly? I felt sad about that because I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see me. There was even a part of me that wanted him in one of my classes… and guess what? That actually happened.

But sometimes the things you want aren’t actually what you need.

He was in my precalculus class. This is second period. But it was the first period of the second day because our school alternates periods. When he walked in… it was like everything inside of me froze. I didn’t really realize what was happening until it was happening that yes… he was actually sitting there. And guess where he sat? Two head spaces in front of me. I didn’t want him to know I was there but then again I did. I don’t know… he turned around once to look at everyone and it’s weird because if he saw me he would’ve said something, the class was kinda small. I don’t really know what happened but I’m glad he didn’t say anything that day.

One of my friends was in that class but I didn’t sit next to her because the seat next to her was taken. But at the end of class, she saw me and we had a conversation which saved me from any confrontation from him. Thank goodness. But of course, my overthinking was all over the place because I would have a class with him for the rest of the semester.

Then the next time we had precalculus, I sat next to my friend. And another one of my friends was there and she was sitting in front. So it was nice to have the two of them there. He came in late and he hardly ever turned around. But apparently our school had a fire drill, but our classroom was in this portable away from the school because there are too many students in our school. We never heard the fire drill sound. The sound was supposed to come over the intercom that was connected to the portable but it never sounded. So our teacher had our own “class” fire drill. He called everyone’s names and when the teacher called my name… Phoenix turned around to look at me. But I just avoided his look and talked to my friend. But it didn’t last forever. In order to get out the portable, to walk to the field for the “fire drill” I had to walk past him because his seat was in the direction of the door. And I don’t know why, but he didn’t leave. All the people in his row left, but he just kept standing behind his desk. So it would’ve been very awkward to just pass by him. So when I walked to the door I turned and looked at him and he was smiling at me. I see that he was ready to say something to me, he would’ve probably said something about me not saying anything to him because it looked like he was ready to joke around with me. But I wasn’t having it. I just “smiled” back at him and left to the field. Then at the end of class, he said, “See you next class” with a smile. I don’t know why I was expecting him to say more or anything. Maybe we could walk back to school together? No.

I expected too much when I was head over heels for him, I expected too much now. 

But it pissed me off. We hadn’t talked for a month. A month. And he doesn’t know that anything is wrong? Did he even notice I’ve been gone and haven’t been talking to him? Did he even care? No. Because every day of that month I waited. I waited for some indication that he cared and there was none. None. Nothing. So what now? Is he just supposed to care now? Now that I’m in his class and we see each other? How can someone be so oblivious? But of course, I knew he wouldn’t think twice about my reactions: I never even said a word to him… I just smiled. He would just think I’m being “shy.”

The weekend goes by and our next class together is Tuesday. Unbeknownst to him but knownst (? Lol) to me. Because I got a schedule change.

Trust me, his presence was affecting me but I didn’t switch my schedule because of him… but it’s a damn good factor. I took a single period of AP Biology instead of a double period and it turned out to be a big NO. Single period AP Bio is mostly individual work. The teacher never even started class until 10 minutes in. You do most of the teaching to yourself. So I was like “Nope I’m out” because I always procrastinate. I literally studied the first chapter all in one night. So I had to go to my counselor to get a schedule change. The only available periods were 1 and 2, or 3 and 4. I already didn’t like my 1st period, chorus, because I have no friends and the friend I do have had sooo many friends. Plus I can’t even hear myself singing in chorus and I don’t think singing in a group is for me. I didn’t care about my 3rd period either way. But my 4th period… one of my real friends was in that class and I didn’t wanna lose her. So it was either losing her or losing him. I didn’t think twice about it. Okay, I did because of my overthinking… but it wasn’t a hard decision. Also, the friend in my 4th period… let’s call her Lyra, was also in that period 1 and 2 class. And my best friend told me that Phoenix was n her double AP Bio class for periods 3 and 4 so again it was between Lyra or Phoenix.

I ended up switching to 1 and 2 AP Bio meaning I wouldn’t see him anymore because the class period we had together was during 2nd period.

I questioned life at this point. Like really? What even was the point of that? Was he just in my class for it to be taken away? OR did that whole thing happen for me to want to see him and then WANT to have that opportunity be taken away? I don’t know. Either way, it was going to be my last class with him.

To be honest? I was prepared. I wanted to not see him anymore. Because I knew that I would be nice to him and forgive him along the way and I knew I wasn’t okay with that.

It was a Tuesday. He came in late again. Nothing really happened. But at the end of class, he again took a long time to pack up and leave and remember how the door was near him? Yeah. So I had to pass by him. I even parted my hair to the side to avoid his eye contact… lol I know, it was a dumb move. He said “Hi Rebecca” and this literally broke my heart. Not because of what you think. He smiled. The smile I fell for. And I smiled back. But that’s what broke me. My smile. My own smile broke me. Because I knew deep down it hurt to smile back at him. I knew it wasn’t a real smile. I could see he was going to say more but I had to leave. So I just turned, smiled, and left. It broke my heart, yes, but switching my schedule comforted me. Because all he was going to give me was a “hello.” And I needed more than a hello. The schedule change is what I needed.

But I guess he sensed something was wrong or something? Since I just smiled and left. Because later that night, he texted me.

I made a kik for one of my friends in order for her to talk to me. And I guess he still has my phone number even though I deleted his. Because kik can sync your contacts and the day I made one I see that someone added me. And I didn’t know how kik worked and I was curious who it was so I accepted the chat later realizing that it was him. But he didn’t talk to me the day I made it. So that Tuesday, I changed my profile picture and he sends me “You looking at the height requirement for the rollercoaster ride?” He always makes jokes about my height. I don’t want to sound egotistical or anything but I looked GOOD in this picture lol. I didn’t want to say anything to him but the sass in me wouldn’t let that go. So I said, talking about his profile picture, “You stuck in a maze trying to find good jokes?” Because the picture he had showed the back side of his body (that’s why I didn’t really recognize him when he added me) walking who knows where and it looked like a maze.

Afterwards, I decided my responses would be distant. I just couldn’t let him make fun of my height without coming for his life. Then he says a string of short jokes and I just say “Ok.” This is where things turn frustrating. He then asks me “Are you upset?” But he was only talking about the short jokes not like he cares about my real life. I tell him “Because of your short jokes? Lol no.” And he says “Good. You’ve grown!” And I tell him “Your jokes have to be good for them to hurt.”

And then all of a sudden he switches up the conversation? He then asks me “How’s school?” Where is he going with this? Since when does he care? He doesn’t. I just say stressful. He asks me what’s stressful about it and I just say “It’s school, everything’s stressful.” This is the day we had the same class together. Because neither of us responds in 10 minutes or less. I would, but he doesn’t deserve that. So our conversation spread out over a few days.

Honestly, I didn’t think he would notice I wasn’t in class because he doesn’t turn around. But he asked me, “Did you miss school or did you skip?” I tell him, “No I had a schedule change.”I think the teacher called out my name in class because my friend from the class told me that the teacher “missed me” and was like “Where’s Rebecca?” lol. Phoenix asks me “Was my presence that unwelcoming?” And I said “Yep, very”

The other day I saw him in the hallway and this was during the texting. I try to avoid him but this was after the late bell rang so the hallways weren’t crowded. He says hi and I just look at him and smile. It’s so awkward. Because here I am texting him but I’m not able to say anything to him in person. I don’t even like virtual him. But he won’t think twice about it because he loses focus.

I started to do that thing again. Back when I was used to him texting him daily and I would check my phone just to see if he texted me back yet. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO DO THAT. Because our conversation is literally nothing. But this time, whenever I turn on my phone to look at the time or anything my mind is always like, “Did he text back? Did he text back?” I just needed him to go away. But I know deep down, I didn’t want that.

Not having a class with him anymore was supposed to be the end. Why. Is. This. Damn. Chapter. Still. Going. On? 

I really hated giving him one-word replies. I thought that I would be able to handle it or control it but… nope. I lost my resolve. But that’s later in the story.

At this point, I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend. Or if he ever even got one in the summer. But it doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t… he still broke my heart. The “girlfriend” was just the breaking point.

So our conversation on kik wasn’t anything. You know how I said I was starting to get used to him texting me back? Well the last thing I sent him was “Yep” and he hadn’t responded to it yet. Because believe it or not, he was replying faster than me. But a day passed and he still didn’t reply.

Then I see that he posted something on his snapchat story and he said, “Almost got pulled over today.” I really wanted to tell him “I told you so.” Because he drives without a permit sometimes and I told him not to. I didn’t really see responding to his story as a “bid deal.” But looking back, I shouldn’t have. But it hurt. It hurt again when he didn’t respond to my kik yet even though, what was he going to say to a simple yep?

I got caught in again.

I responded to his story saying, “Almost should be deleted.” Apparently, his story was apart of this game like “You shouldn’t have responded to my story now you’re in the game and you have to put one of these on your story…” It gave a list of options from 1 to 10. For example, 1 was “I got pulled over.” 2 was “I broke up with him/her.” Etc. I didn’t do it because it’s really dumb. I told him I like 6 (“I’m gonna fight him tomorrow”) and 8 (“I’m so done with him”). He says, “Did I ask you what your favorite number was or something?” That really pissed me off. Because really? I don’t care if you don’t wanna hear it, I’m gonna say what I want. So I say, “Do I care whether you asked or not? I’ll say what I want.”

We have like three conversations at once but they were short. I didn’t want to say too much. After a text back he says, “I’m in the middle of your two favorite numbers.” In between 6 and 8 is 7, right? We got our math straight, right? Lol. So I looked up and saw what 7 was and it said, “We’re finally dating.” Of course, I didn’t think anything of this but my heart did. But my heart knew deep down that he meant nothing out of that. He just said it to say it and that pissed me off knowing that he can just play with my feelings not even caring that it actually has an effect. To that, I say, “Your ego is too big. You would be dating yourself.” He said, “I am dating myself. I didn’t find anyone compatible.” That. Hurt. 

He didn’t find anyone compatible? What about for the past few months and what we had? I literally listened to him and was there for him when I let him rant for one hour about a fake friend. I opened up to him and he did the same and so many other things and he says he couldn’t find anyone compatible? But I put down the hurt in the moment.

I didn’t tell any of my friends about him texting me again because honestly? Our conversation wasn’t really anything. Only one of my friends knew. Then I told Lyra who’s also friends with him. The same day I told her, she put me on her snapchat story and she told me he responded to the story about me. The next day on a Tuesday, she showed me the conversation. He asked her, “You two have the same class together?” He didn’t know I had a class with her when I switched. They had a short conversation then she brought the conversation back to me for some reason. She asked, “You still talk to her (me)?” Even though she already knew the answer. He says “Talk like what exactly?” She was like “Talk like friends? Unless you mean something else. Is there something else?” She sent him like four questions/messages about it but he only responded to one of the messages.

Up until this point, I was so mad at him that literally anything involving him made me mad and reminded of how he treated me during the summer. How he didn’t give two shits about me. And never showed me that he cared that I was gone or even noticed.

But this momemt changes that all: He sends Lyra “Nah she got somebody.” Meaning he thought I had somebody. But I have nobody. That was funny to me because helloooo it’s me. But I. Don’t. Know. Why. This gave my heart hope. Maybe because he didn’t say “Nah I don’t see her in that way” but he didn’t say that he did either. He just thought I had someone.

But that day my heart was so hopeful and for a second I went back to Junior Rebecca finding hope in signs again. Does he like me? Lyra assured him that I had no one and he said, “Lmao what are you the love doctor or something?” And is it weird that after he got those messages from Lyra he responded to my messages that I thought he would leave on read?

My heart was all over the place and I don’t know why. All he talks about are short jokes. All the damn time. I don’t mind short jokes but for that to be all that’s left? Then he said “Your height hurts me.” I asked him why. He says, “Your words never match up to your height” because I’m sassy all the time I guess. So I say “Idk maybe if you stop coming for my height I would be nice to you.” He asks, “So if I’m nice you’ll be nice?” I say, “Idk. We’ll see.”

And then he reverted back to the good morning’s and the how’d you sleep? He sent this at 6 am so he just woke up or something. THIS is the “him” I fell for. The him I wanted back. The one I’ve been waiting for. But… it doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why. It is real, but it isn’t. I told one of my friends this, it’s like a daydream when you know everything’s not real but you don’t care either way. But really, what’s happening? The past is legit repeating itself. How can he just do that? Like nothing happened in the past month…? Well according to him nothing did happen.

But his tone is just different. He doesn’t sound like he used to when he said good morning. I asked him “Are you being fake?” and he said “No I wasn’t” But it just seems like it is. It’s like life is giving me the guy I want back but again he’s not.

One of my friends told me I can either do two things: Slowly stop talking to him gradually or tell him the truth. I can’t act like nothing’s happened and revert back to how things were last year. I don’t want the cycle to repeat itself because I KNOW he’s just going to do something that hurts me in the future. The future? Please, he’s hurting me now.

But I keep having this feeling where I can feel like the truth is gonna come out, sooner or later. I think I’m going to tell him the truth. Whether he cares or not. Because if I continue this conversation like nothing has happened I’m lying to myself telling her that I can handle it if we’re just friends. When I know that’s such a lie.

After our second hang out, I remember complaining to my friends about it telling them I’m so deep in the friendzone. Lyra was like, “Do you want to tell him?” But I know I didn’t want to tell him. Because I didn’t want to ruin such a good friendship and freak him out. But now? It’s like I already lost him. Freaking him out, I don’t even care if I do anymore. Because whoever that good friend was is gone.

Seeing him in person has definitely affected me. He’s still aesthetically pleasing to my eyes and whenever he smiles… it’s not the same feeling I used to drown in but it’s still something I get in my heart. But if I saw him for a long time, like when we were in the same class, all I could think towards him was “I hate you.” But if I see him in the hallway I would break. But I haven’t seen him at all in the past week so that’s good, right?

Him saying stuff like “I’m between your two favorite numbers” and “She got somebody” pulled me back in. That’s the kind of stuff that gave me hope in the impossible in the past and I can’t keep waiting around. I won’t. I’m not going to wait around hoping that one day he’s going to say he likes me. That’s not fair to myself.

I know if I let him in again (which I haven’t done yet) I’m gonna LET HIM IN and I can’t do that because he is 100% gonna hurt me.

I sort of made Lyra meddle into the whole situation. I thought her meddling would fix the problem and prove whether he likes me or not. But that isn’t fair to her to figure this bs out.

Even if she does meddle how do I know that, if he does like me, he only does because Lyra told him I have no one?

I don’t want him to like me because it’s convenient for him.

If he likes me he should tell me. Not say some stuff that sounds like he could possibly like me.

Lyra told me, “I think overall he’s just being playfully flirtatious. Which is what a lot of guys seem to do these days. And I don’t know why it took me so long to see it.” We both didn’t see it because we both thought he was being genuine. He just plays around flirtatiously with his friends. And that’s all that is to it.

I’m contemplating whether I should tell him the truth or not. And by this, I mean the whole truth. But being like he is, he opened my messages and left them on read and it’s been 24 hours. I don’t want to say he left me on read because sometimes I think he does that but he responds later. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want him to respond. Because once he does respond, things are going to change. Plus, if he doesn’t respond this just proves the person that he is. Always leaving me on read wondering what I did wrong like I even did something wrong. I didn’t. I never did. I was such a good friend to him. I tamped down my feelings because I cared about him. I cared about him. So much. I wished him happy birthday when he disregarded my messages. I let him go on and on about soccer and even said I would go to one of his games when I don’t even like sports. I would’ve done so much for him. I did do so much.

But he never did enough. And I deserve better.

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i miss him. sugar and salt.

I mean he’s still “here.”

I see him here and there. And I started talking to him again but not like I used to… I can’t talk to him like I used to because I know he only says lies.

So it would be a little weird to miss him if he’s “here” and he’s not like in some other country or leaving my messages on read in the summer (was that shade? Nope, it was the honest truth) right?

Wrong.

I miss him.

By this, I mean the him I fell for.

Not the him I know now.

Just a few months ago, he was different. It’s honestly like I’m talking to a different person… That’s what it feels like.

I know that there can be a lot of sides to a person, but him?

It was hard to know who I was talking to on a day. A jerk or the one I fell for.

Who’s the “him” I fell for?

The one who cared about my day and asked how I was doing. The one who would text me as soon as he woke up, I knew because the time stamp said 5am or 7am and would tell me “Good morning” or “Good afternoon.” The one who could tell something was wrong with me just because of a couple of words and actually cared enough to know what was wrong. It never felt forced.  The one who used to want to know about my secrets and my past. The one who wanted me to be happy and have a good day and if I didn’t, he would want to know what went wrong. The one who asked me about my anxiety and looked at me in a way nobody ever did.

The one that whenever something happened, he used to be one of the people or the only person I wanted to tell because I felt safe telling him and I knew he wouldn’t judge me.

Now all that’s left of him?

A jerk with a big ego always making jokes wanting to outmatch me.

He was always “outmatching” me before. I mean if he was sweet all the time? That would be too much sugar. The outmatching was balanced with the sweetness.

But over time, the sweetness went away and all that was left was salt. And if salt could be expired (in an alternate universe)… he would be like expired salt.

He doesn’t do any of the sweet stuff mentioned above anymore. All he does is “play games” coming for my shortness in jokes wanting me to come back at him with a joke. I don’t really mind this, but the fact that this is what’s left of us? It’s sad. It’s like his sweetness was a guest who didn’t want to stay for too long.

And when he does “care” it just seems so forced considering all the other crap he’s put my heart and me through. If you read the messages, it would be evident he doesn’t care or he doesn’t care like he used to.

i miss him.

i miss the him who did all the sweet things above.

i miss the one i fell for.

i wish to see him again someday.

but he might never show up again.

because he’s being taken over by another.

what changed? i don’t know.

why doesn’t he care anymore? i don’t know.

i don’t know what happened to him.

but can he tell that him that i miss him?

will that make him come back?

or is this who he really is?

who was “he” then?

did that “him” ever exist?

was he fake?

i don’t know.

all i know is that i miss him.

Whoever he was.

And as long as that him is gone,

I’m currently not falling for anyone.

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Quotes from My Social Media When I Was a Preteen: DEEP EDITION

Ok, WHO LET ME HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT AS A KID??

Lol, really?

Because I went through all my past tweets and wow… Lol, a majority of what I tweeted about was homework being boring and school seemingly never-ending. To be honest, this young girl did not know stress even though she was complaining 24/7.

So, I’ve been doing this thing where I gather all my quotes and put it in a journal because I want it to all be in one place. I did this for all my poems on Tumblr and now I did it for my Twitter.

But guys… I did not expect all my tweets to be so cringe-worthy, funny, etc. I literally had those two emotions the most reading through all of them like “I said that?”

But Young Rebecca was as deep in her feelings almost as much as this Rebecca. Why? I don’t know… fanfiction maybe? I watched A LOT of rom-coms as a kid.

But I also was… psh was, I still am, not to be egotistical ya know lol. But I was funny as a kid like I am now *attempts hair-flip* But the funny tweets I have saved for another day because this is… *drum-roll*

THE DEEP EDITION OF YOUNG REBECCA’S TWEETS:

Lol, most of these originate as early as 2012. Buckle in because most of these, I don’t even know what I was going through to be tweeting something like this as a kid but here we gooo… (I might add little comments in between)

ITALICIZED AND BOLD: Young Tweeter Rebecca

NORMAL TEXT: Present Rebecca (Wow, I don’t get any special fonts or such? … sorry it would be confusing. Am I arguing with myself? …Possibly… Because it relates to the rest of this post like how I’m talking to my younger self, ya see how I fit that in? Just get on with the post bruh… ok lol)

  • “i guess people don’t look on the inside. they’re too focused on the outside to care.”
    • I knew this was a good tweet because one of the “popular kids” who used to follow me (who rudely unfollowed me) retweeted this and I got excited. It’s kinda sad what excited me back then but I really like the quote. It deserves snaps like after a poem… ok I’ll stop.
  • “i do hate you but i don’t want to let go of you.”
    • The funny thing is, I honestly have no idea who this is about. The date of this tweet was before my 1st major crush soooo… really have no idea lol.
  • “am i talking to you, or a stranger? do I still know you? or have we forgotten each other? did i really know the real you? we’ve drifted apart?”
    • It’s coincidental how relatable this is at the moment.
  • “when it seems like it’s not reality, i wake up from the dream of life and fantasy.”
    • I really don’t though lol
  • “if you couldn’t care less, then why are you thinking about it now?”
    • Damn. Is Young Rebecca coming for my life?
  • “if it feels like your world is crumbling and nobody loves you, God loves you no matter what”
    • Too true though. My faith strong since the young days.
  • “there isn’t a time when i don’t think of memories.”
  • “i was saying you should come back now i’m singing “you shouldn’t come back” 
    • Anyone know the Demi Lovato song, “Shouldn’t Come Back?”
  • “there can be more than one side of a person.”
    • DON’T I KNOW
  • “how do you figure something out if you don’t know where to start?”
  • “closing your eyes won’t make the problem go away.”
  • “i miss the person that you used to be.”
  • “please stop changing.”
    • This was when I was in my “I hate change” phase
  • “the moon will follow us home.”
    • The start of my love and obsession for the moon. Basically it’s where our love story began lol
  • i would’ve smiled at your face but that would’ve been too much for me to take.”
    • FOLLOW YOUNG REBECCA’S ADVICE, REBECCA
  • “it’s like the past is repeating itself.”
    • It is though. This is why I need to read and re-read these.
  • “you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
    • Yeah… I did. It’s like Young Me is scolding present me
  • “i’ve literally made it so obvious… you might as well be oblivious.”
    • *cough* Phoenix *cough* but really how oblivious that boy is… I can’t
  • “i don’t want to get lost in the dark.”
  • “i’d wait all day just for a moment.”
    • It’s sad how true this still is
  • “i wish i could go back in the past and whisper, “wrong person.”
    • yes, Yes, YES
  • “just when i was starting to get to know you, you leave.”
  • “you never know what you can find when you start exploring your options.”
  • “we would remember that day like it was yesterday.”
  • “secrets are dangerous. telling the wrong person will lead to disaster and it’ll kill you inside.”
  • “i don’t want a stupid coincidence haunting me forever.”
    • Hi Overthinking, how are you doing today?
  • “i miss you too but you’re not what i want anymore.”
  • “at this point can you just tell me if you like me or not? Please, it’s killing me.”
    • Relatable, at this very moment
  • “if only i was that piece of special for you but i never was and i have to accept that.”
    • ERGHhghhhhh this makes me cringe. Because I wrote this unsent letter to my very first MAJOR crush and burned it. My friend told me to write it because it helped her because she wanted to get over someone too. And so I put like lines from the letter on my twitter because he followed me on twitter and I hoped he would see it eraskldfsjdls I still cringe. The next two are quotes from that letter too. I was in deep. I didn’t even have one real conversation with this guy. But can you blame me? It was middle school lol
  • “we never said goodbye but we didn’t have to because we felt it.”
  • “there will always be a vacant space in my heart for you.”
  • “there’s a star out there destined for you and your wishes.”
  • “what about a person who lies about their lying?”
    • THEY NEED TO LEAVE THEN bye
  • “someday those eyes that i fell for are gonna be the eyes that i envy.”
  • “i wish i was stronger. Mentally, not physically.
    • This was during the time I actually realized that strength was more than just muscles. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
  • “it’s hard to believe that certain things are real sometimes.”
  • “do you remember me? or am i just a faint memory?”
  • “there are people you thought would never hurt you. yet, that’s all they do nowadays.”
  • “you never really had to go… you just didn’t want to stay.”
  • “i finally figured out that every compliment you give me comes with an insult.”
  • “when i’m away from the harbor, i need an anchor.”
  • “hearing you insult someone else makes me wonder what you say behind my back.”
    • This tea tastes really good
  • “you used past tense. meaning we aren’t anymore. not like we were anything.” 
  • “everyone has the path that they’re walking on. i’m still trying to figure out which way to go and where mine leads.”
    • Still haven’t figured it out
  • “i’m done telling this story. i want a new story to tell.”
  • “people left. i had to change, it was the only way that i could move on.”
    • And now I accept change. It’s cute how I can see my development lol
  • “i didn’t come all this way for nothing.”
    • No you didn’t 🙂
  • “the only thing i’m holding onto right now is hope.”
    • I remember I tweeted this the night I realized I was only still alive because of hope and I should keep holding onto it.
  • “i look at my past as a journey of the person i’m becoming.”
    • And sometimes a journey of my cringe developing but mostly the first one
  • “i would rather regret something i did do, than something i didn’t do.”
  • “the camera can never capture the true beauty that you see through your eyes.”
  • “the one person you don’t want to see is suddenly the only person you ever see.”
  • “treading shallow water is too easy. the big waves are your competition.”
  • “let it rain for a while, i’m getting a rainbow afterward.”
  • “it doesn’t feel real. whenever things change, it doesn’t seem real.”
  • “the funny thing is, no matter what you do or have done to my heart it’ll always find a way to forgive you and your bs.”
    • Hey look, this Rebecca is more recent lol
  • “why did you have to bring the rain?”
  • “i should’ve just let you focus.”

Lol, I honestly thought I would cringe more but it was more like Younger Rebecca was giving me a lesson and coming for my life. Now I’m picturing a young me at a classroom blackboard with a pointer stick while present me sits in a chair listening (and a bit scared)… my imagination is… But there ya go! There’s deep young Rebecca for ya! I hope you learned something from her because I sure did. This post was really fun to write, be sure to look out for the FUNNY edition of this blog post which is coming soon (she says hopefully)

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poems, poems, poems #3

Poems I put up on my Tumblr:

  • Topic: Phoenix

i did all I could to make you stay.

i cared.

i was vulnerable.

i opened up.

but i guess it wasn’t enough for you.

 

your actions never came from the heart…

instead, they came from your ego

-realizations.

 

i can’t say your name anymore.

you’ve become the “he who should not be named”

and i finally get why the mere mention of a name means so much.

it’s because it’s more than just a name.

it’s the whole fucking memory of you.

all the times i said it while i vented to one of my friends.

smiling because of the way it rolled off my tongue as i recollected a story that used to make me happy.

when i yelled it out because you were being “annoying”

using it as a foundation for a nickname.

your name has become more than just a name.

it’s a trigger.

those seven letters…

they give me hell.

 

i want to hope. i want to believe. that you think of me as much as i think of you.

that here and there you think about picking up the phone to talk to me.

that you think of moments we shared to make you smile.

that you miss me and you actually care.

that you’re not forgetting me.

that you’re not losing your focus on us.

Even though I know,

it’s all a lie.

 

confession.

i still have that picture of you on my phone.

when you were smiling and we were together, content with the world.

i can never look at that picture…

but i can never delete it either.

 

that “I miss you” text is never gonna come, is it?

because if it did…

it would be a lie.

 

“why wasn’t i enough for you?”

-my heart.

 

and after all this time i still delude myself into thinking you feel the same way about me.

-toxic.

 

no, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action.

because in that case, you’re just saying shit with no intention of following through.

 

it’s not easy for me to act like nothing happened.

that’s what makes you different from me.

 

you gave up and i gave in.

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