Quotes from My Social Media When I Was a Preteen: DEEP EDITION

Ok, WHO LET ME HAVE A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT AS A KID??

Lol, really?

Because I went through all my past tweets and wow… Lol, a majority of what I tweeted about was homework being boring and school seemingly never-ending. To be honest, this young girl did not know stress even though she was complaining 24/7.

So, I’ve been doing this thing where I gather all my quotes and put it in a journal because I want it to all be in one place. I did this for all my poems on Tumblr and now I did it for my Twitter.

But guys… I did not expect all my tweets to be so cringe-worthy, funny, etc. I literally had those two emotions the most reading through all of them like “I said that?”

But Young Rebecca was as deep in her feelings almost as much as this Rebecca. Why? I don’t know… fanfiction maybe? I watched A LOT of rom-coms as a kid.

But I also was… psh was, I still am, not to be egotistical ya know lol. But I was funny as a kid like I am now *attempts hair-flip* But the funny tweets I have saved for another day because this is… *drum-roll*

THE DEEP EDITION OF YOUNG REBECCA’S TWEETS:

Lol, most of these originate as early as 2012. Buckle in because most of these, I don’t even know what I was going through to be tweeting something like this as a kid but here we gooo… (I might add little comments in between)

ITALICIZED AND BOLD: Young Tweeter Rebecca

NORMAL TEXT: Present Rebecca (Wow, I don’t get any special fonts or such? … sorry it would be confusing. Am I arguing with myself? …Possibly… Because it relates to the rest of this post like how I’m talking to my younger self, ya see how I fit that in? Just get on with the post bruh… ok lol)

  • “i guess people don’t look on the inside. they’re too focused on the outside to care.”
    • I knew this was a good tweet because one of the “popular kids” who used to follow me (who rudely unfollowed me) retweeted this and I got excited. It’s kinda sad what excited me back then but I really like the quote. It deserves snaps like after a poem… ok I’ll stop.
  • “i do hate you but i don’t want to let go of you.”
    • The funny thing is, I honestly have no idea who this is about. The date of this tweet was before my 1st major crush soooo… really have no idea lol.
  • “am i talking to you, or a stranger? do I still know you? or have we forgotten each other? did i really know the real you? we’ve drifted apart?”
    • It’s coincidental how relatable this is at the moment.
  • “when it seems like it’s not reality, i wake up from the dream of life and fantasy.”
    • I really don’t though lol
  • “if you couldn’t care less, then why are you thinking about it now?”
    • Damn. Is Young Rebecca coming for my life?
  • “if it feels like your world is crumbling and nobody loves you, God loves you no matter what”
    • Too true though. My faith strong since the young days.
  • “there isn’t a time when i don’t think of memories.”
  • “i was saying you should come back now i’m singing “you shouldn’t come back” 
    • Anyone know the Demi Lovato song, “Shouldn’t Come Back?”
  • “there can be more than one side of a person.”
    • DON’T I KNOW
  • “how do you figure something out if you don’t know where to start?”
  • “closing your eyes won’t make the problem go away.”
  • “i miss the person that you used to be.”
  • “please stop changing.”
    • This was when I was in my “I hate change” phase
  • “the moon will follow us home.”
    • The start of my love and obsession for the moon. Basically it’s where our love story began lol
  • i would’ve smiled at your face but that would’ve been too much for me to take.”
    • FOLLOW YOUNG REBECCA’S ADVICE, REBECCA
  • “it’s like the past is repeating itself.”
    • It is though. This is why I need to read and re-read these.
  • “you knew what you were getting yourself into.”
    • Yeah… I did. It’s like Young Me is scolding present me
  • “i’ve literally made it so obvious… you might as well be oblivious.”
    • *cough* Phoenix *cough* but really how oblivious that boy is… I can’t
  • “i don’t want to get lost in the dark.”
  • “i’d wait all day just for a moment.”
    • It’s sad how true this still is
  • “i wish i could go back in the past and whisper, “wrong person.”
    • yes, Yes, YES
  • “just when i was starting to get to know you, you leave.”
  • “you never know what you can find when you start exploring your options.”
  • “we would remember that day like it was yesterday.”
  • “secrets are dangerous. telling the wrong person will lead to disaster and it’ll kill you inside.”
  • “i don’t want a stupid coincidence haunting me forever.”
    • Hi Overthinking, how are you doing today?
  • “i miss you too but you’re not what i want anymore.”
  • “at this point can you just tell me if you like me or not? Please, it’s killing me.”
    • Relatable, at this very moment
  • “if only i was that piece of special for you but i never was and i have to accept that.”
    • ERGHhghhhhh this makes me cringe. Because I wrote this unsent letter to my very first MAJOR crush and burned it. My friend told me to write it because it helped her because she wanted to get over someone too. And so I put like lines from the letter on my twitter because he followed me on twitter and I hoped he would see it eraskldfsjdls I still cringe. The next two are quotes from that letter too. I was in deep. I didn’t even have one real conversation with this guy. But can you blame me? It was middle school lol
  • “we never said goodbye but we didn’t have to because we felt it.”
  • “there will always be a vacant space in my heart for you.”
  • “there’s a star out there destined for you and your wishes.”
  • “what about a person who lies about their lying?”
    • THEY NEED TO LEAVE THEN bye
  • “someday those eyes that i fell for are gonna be the eyes that i envy.”
  • “i wish i was stronger. Mentally, not physically.
    • This was during the time I actually realized that strength was more than just muscles. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come.
  • “it’s hard to believe that certain things are real sometimes.”
  • “do you remember me? or am i just a faint memory?”
  • “there are people you thought would never hurt you. yet, that’s all they do nowadays.”
  • “you never really had to go… you just didn’t want to stay.”
  • “i finally figured out that every compliment you give me comes with an insult.”
  • “when i’m away from the harbor, i need an anchor.”
  • “hearing you insult someone else makes me wonder what you say behind my back.”
    • This tea tastes really good
  • “you used past tense. meaning we aren’t anymore. not like we were anything.” 
  • “everyone has the path that they’re walking on. i’m still trying to figure out which way to go and where mine leads.”
    • Still haven’t figured it out
  • “i’m done telling this story. i want a new story to tell.”
  • “people left. i had to change, it was the only way that i could move on.”
    • And now I accept change. It’s cute how I can see my development lol
  • “i didn’t come all this way for nothing.”
    • No you didn’t 🙂
  • “the only thing i’m holding onto right now is hope.”
    • I remember I tweeted this the night I realized I was only still alive because of hope and I should keep holding onto it.
  • “i look at my past as a journey of the person i’m becoming.”
    • And sometimes a journey of my cringe developing but mostly the first one
  • “i would rather regret something i did do, than something i didn’t do.”
  • “the camera can never capture the true beauty that you see through your eyes.”
  • “the one person you don’t want to see is suddenly the only person you ever see.”
  • “treading shallow water is too easy. the big waves are your competition.”
  • “let it rain for a while, i’m getting a rainbow afterward.”
  • “it doesn’t feel real. whenever things change, it doesn’t seem real.”
  • “the funny thing is, no matter what you do or have done to my heart it’ll always find a way to forgive you and your bs.”
    • Hey look, this Rebecca is more recent lol
  • “why did you have to bring the rain?”
  • “i should’ve just let you focus.”

Lol, I honestly thought I would cringe more but it was more like Younger Rebecca was giving me a lesson and coming for my life. Now I’m picturing a young me at a classroom blackboard with a pointer stick while present me sits in a chair listening (and a bit scared)… my imagination is… But there ya go! There’s deep young Rebecca for ya! I hope you learned something from her because I sure did. This post was really fun to write, be sure to look out for the FUNNY edition of this blog post which is coming soon (she says hopefully)

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to start over.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

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the purple button-up and the red varsity jacket.

The purple button-up.

He wore it.

The guy who was in my 8th-grade class who I used to like.

He was wearing a purple button-up during the baccalaureate service for our 8th-grade graduation.

The purple button-up was how I told my friends that I liked him.

I asked them if they liked purple or white.

They answered purple.

And I said me too.

From that moment one, whenever I saw him wear that shirt I thought of that moment.

How I was unafraid to admit that I liked him.

I finally wanted to tell my friends about him.

But that’s when things started to plummet.

Then comes the red varsity jacket.

Phoenix wears it, the guy I like.

My favorite color, and it’s not the dark shades of red which don’t really appeal to me. It’s the one shade of red that my eyes are in love with.

He looks good it in.

But he was wearing it the day he broke my heart.

The day I found out he was still friends with his ex-girlfriend. But at the time I didn’t know they were friends. This was the day I thought they got back together.

The day my hope for him became hopeless.

He wore that dumb red varsity jacket.

We had Spanish class that day and that was the first time in that class where we talked throughout the whole 90 minutes. He never completely turned around facing away from me that day (he sat in front of me).

Now, whenever he wears that red varsity jacket I think he’s just going to cause me pain.

The last time he wore it, he was walking towards me after dropping his ex-girlfriend/best friend off at her class.

Can someone please tell me,

why these two guys have to ruin my favorite colors for me?

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without.

I’m a puzzle without a piece.

I’m a kid without her teddy bear.

I’m an athlete without a water bottle.

I’m a musician without the inspiration.

I’m a writer without the words.

I’m a beach without the sand.

I’m a teacher without the lesson.

I’m a book without the ink.

I’m a joke without the laugh.

I’m the art without a message.

I’m the night sky without the stars.

I’m life without the purpose.

I’m a bird without her song.

I’m a piano without the melody.

I’m a foot without a shoe.

I’m a bed without a blanket.

I’m a frame without a picture.

I’m an astronaut without space.

I’m a movie without the characters.

I’m a song without the harmony.

I’m the moon without the sun.

I’m the bank without the money.

I’m a mailbox without any letters.

I’m a baby without a bottle.

I’m a store without the products.

I’m a library without any books.

I’m a microphone without the sound.

I’m a radio without the songs.

I’m a dancer without the moves.

I’m a photographer without a camera.

I’m a hamster without a wheel.

I’m a dog without a bone.

I’m a cat without any yarn.

I’m a rabbit without a carrot.

I’m a tree without any leaves.

I’m a sky without any colors.

I’m a mirror without a reflection.

I’m a picture without the image.

I’m an ocean without the waves.

I’m a kite without the wind.

I’m a story without any pages.

I’m thunder without lightning.

I’m a hug without endearment.

I’m a home without a family.

I’m a lock without a key.

I’m a hotel without any rooms.

I’m a hello without a goodbye.

I’m a human without the air.

I’m a heart without a beat.

I’m a me without you.

I’m a girl missing you.

I’m a puzzle without a piece.

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Forgiveness is NOT Weak.

I have some advice for your guys, ready for it? Here it is:

Never get mad at someone you love.

It’s hell.

Last week, I was mad at one of my best friends for a small and absurd reason.

In fact, it was such an absurd reason that I can’t even remember why I was mad. It was just that my mind was not mentally in the right place and I started thinking that certain people hated me and I should be angry at them. Sadly, she was one of the people.

It was torture. I was ignoring and avoiding her. She’s the only person who talks to me everyday, and I just took that for granted.

I love her so much, and being mad at her was like being mad at myself.

Last week was one of the worst weeks of my life. I was angry at everyone I cared about. I was extremely sad and I think half of it was because I was mad at her.

She makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, and ignoring her was torture. It gave me torture. It was like I was walking into darkness the whole time that I was mad at her.

This why I’m telling you, don’t be mad at someone you love. It tears you down physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I don’t know about you, but my best friends are my life. They’re one of the main reasons why I’m still here. They know me more than anyone else, and I mean the real me, not the me everyone else depicts me as. They know what my favorite color is, who my favorite band is, the struggles I go through. They know me.

And to be mad at the people who know and love me is just stupid.

Anger and hatred is stupid. It’s an emotion, yes. I’m very open to feeling the emotions I feel. But I just hate anger. It’s like a pot on the stove that’s bubbling over, you either notice before it’s too late and turn down the heat or it’s too late and everything’s a mess.

I try not to be angry at anyone. That’s kind of hard with a world full of people who lie and break promises. But it’s who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too nice and forgiving, and I start hating myself for being too nice. I forgive too easily. I could be mad at someone internally for something they did, but once they smile and make conversation I forgive. I thought that I was just weak and I have to build up my exterior. But it’s not my weakness. It’s who I am. As much as I might hate forgiving too easily, it’s who I am. No matter what that person did. That’s why I started ignoring Him, because I knew that once I submitted I would forgive him for breaking my heart in a mere second.

I don’t know about you. I don’t know what your forgiveness level is.

But if you’re mad at someone you love, don’t be.

I was mad at another one of my best friends for never seeming to text me or have any effort to talk to me. Then, I had a dream where something horrible happened to her, one minute she was the there, the next she wasn’t. When I woke up, I was so relieved that it wasn’t real. That dream showed me that anger is not worth it.

I don’t care why you’re mad at the person you love. But I do care that you don’t get hurt.

This is life, moments are precious. Nowadays, they’re crucial. Because one minute something’s there, the next it could be gone. They could be gone. It will hurt. I don’t want you to hurt.

Love to the best of your ability. No matter what that person did, you love them for a reason. Whether they make you smile, or laugh, or whatever you love them for a reason.

Forgive. No matter how much I hate my forgiveness level, it’s who I am. I’m the type of person who has no time for grudges, forgive and move on. Move on, or you can also talk about it with the person you’re mad at.

Either way, don’t be mad and angry for a long period of time, it won’t make you feel better, it’ll only tear you down inside. Forgiveness is not weak, it makes you a bigger person. It makes you want to overcome the anger hidden inside your soul. Don’t let anger take over.

Forgiveness is the final form of love.” – Reinhold Niebuhr

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No One to Blame

I’m not going to blame myself anymore.

I’m not going to blame my actions,

my feelings,

and definitely not my heart.

It hasn’t helped me in the past to blame myself.

In fact, I’m not going to blame anyone. I’m not going to blame him, I’m not going to blame me.

What is blame anyway?

It’s just assigning responsibility to someone for something wrong that happened.

But maybe I don’t see this as wrong? I don’t see liking someone and the inability of getting over them wrong.

It was just the wrong time for it to happen.

I wasn’t ready for him to reciprocate my feelings the past, and I’m still not ready.

But I’m not blaming myself for not being ready, and not saying anything.

Yes, I still have feelings for him after all this time.

If I said that one or two weeks ago, I would immediately and ultimately blame myself… why?

Because I thought what I was feeling inside was my fault.

I thought it was my fault that I couldn’t stop the feeling, that it was my fault that I couldn’t get over him.

But it’s not my fault, it’s no one’s fault.

They’re my feelings, it’s my heart.

Why was I so open to blaming myself?

Maybe I needed to blame someone to be able to live with the fact that I still like him.

I should stop blaming AND lying to myself.

Yes I still like him and I still care about him.

No, I’m not over him, but that’s ok.

It’s ok because it’s only going to take a little more time.

It’s ok.

It’s ok to still like him.

It’s not my fault. There is no blame to assign. It’s no one’s fault.

I’m actually thankful that I’m still feeling these feelings, because it shows that I’m only human.

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Eye Connection

She stood in a crowded room.

So many faces. So many figures.

Everyone had someone, they were busy. They were either in a conversation or fascinated by one.

All she was trying to do was look for a familiar face.

A room full of people, how could she feel so alone?

She wore a simple dress, not drawing too much attention to herself.

She stood, probably looking like a lost girl at a carnival, but who cared? She only came into the room looking for someone to give her a ride home, where it’s safe. Where solitude is.

She’s searching, just looking for someone. Anyone. Who could take her home. Away from the world, away from people.

That’s when her eyes sees his.

He is in a group. Why would he stare at her?

That question doesn’t register her mind when he’s literally doing it. Staring at her.

Is she supposed to look away?

Is she supposed to walk away?

Is he trying to say something to her?

Questions, useless questions. She doesn’t care about them right now.

All she cares is staring into that oh so familiar face.

Maybe later, she could convince herself that she only stared because he was the only person that was familiar to her in a room full of people.

She didn’t look anywhere but his eyes.

She didn’t smile, didn’t cower.

He didn’t smirk, didn’t stop.

They just stared at each other.

Who knows how long?

Seconds… minutes… hours…

It felt like forever.

It was like he could tell her all he needed to say, and she could do the same.

It was intense.

Their eyes were the window to the other’s soul, and the window was so wide open that a bird could fly in and cause a commotion… and still neither would notice.

Because they’re too occupied with each other. Telling the other one things that could never come out of their mouth.

What are they saying you might wonder?

No one knows but the two of them.

Unfortunately the moment ends, it can’t last forever.

The girl is approached by another familiar face, telling her that they could give her a ride.

So she goes with them, not having enough strength to look back at him and confess to herself the risk she just took, giving in to her feelings.

How could something so innocent turn into a consequence?

Maybe you could convince her it was nothing, that’s what she convinced herself. To stop the familiar feelings that she’s long forgotten.

If only she knew.

But what would she believe, his actions or his eyes?

Either way, she couldn’t live in the killing curiosity of the situation.

So, she stored the memory in the back of her mind, almost as if it never happened. Like every other memory of him. But this memory would be in the farthest reach.

Because out of everything, she couldn’t handle his eyes. They were too much. They said too much, too much for her to contain, to read into. She was reading too much, so she had to close the book.

Eye connection is intimate.

It’s about you and another connecting on another level.

I have this thing about eyes.

They’re beautiful.

They’re captivating.

Even if it’s a boring brown like mine. To me, brown eyes aren’t boring.

They’re anything but that.

All eyes are different, they’re lovely.

No matter the mask you put on, the eyes will always recognize the person behind the mask. Because the eyes are it. No matter what, you’ll always recognize them.

They’ll always bring you back, no matter what.

The eyes are magical like that.

Someone has the ability to look at them, and learn bits and pieces of a person.

Eyes can say the things that can never come out of your mouth.

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