poems, poems, poems #3

Poems I put up on my Tumblr:

  • Topic: Phoenix

i did all I could to make you stay.

i cared.

i was vulnerable.

i opened up.

but i guess it wasn’t enough for you.

 

your actions never came from the heart…

instead, they came from your ego

-realizations.

 

i can’t say your name anymore.

you’ve become the “he who should not be named”

and i finally get why the mere mention of a name means so much.

it’s because it’s more than just a name.

it’s the whole fucking memory of you.

all the times i said it while i vented to one of my friends.

smiling because of the way it rolled off my tongue as i recollected a story that used to make me happy.

when i yelled it out because you were being “annoying”

using it as a foundation for a nickname.

your name has become more than just a name.

it’s a trigger.

those seven letters…

they give me hell.

 

i want to hope. i want to believe. that you think of me as much as i think of you.

that here and there you think about picking up the phone to talk to me.

that you think of moments we shared to make you smile.

that you miss me and you actually care.

that you’re not forgetting me.

that you’re not losing your focus on us.

Even though I know,

it’s all a lie.

 

confession.

i still have that picture of you on my phone.

when you were smiling and we were together, content with the world.

i can never look at that picture…

but i can never delete it either.

 

that “I miss you” text is never gonna come, is it?

because if it did…

it would be a lie.

 

“why wasn’t i enough for you?”

-my heart.

 

and after all this time i still delude myself into thinking you feel the same way about me.

-toxic.

 

no, it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the action.

because in that case, you’re just saying shit with no intention of following through.

 

it’s not easy for me to act like nothing happened.

that’s what makes you different from me.

 

you gave up and i gave in.

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500 FOLLOWERS!! | Q&A!!

I can’t believe I reached another milestone!

500 is half of one thousand but like… the 500 itself is huge for me.

Like that many of you stumbled upon my diary and hit a follow button?

Lol, every time I reach a one-hundred milestone I get very sappy with you guys thanking you for letting me be myself in a place where I feel comfortable.

I won’t be repetitive (even though it’s very true).

But I always will be thankful, grateful, and blessed for stumbling upon this website. For being to meet all you very lovely people.

Because if I’ve never walked into this space, or if I was too shy to create a blog… no lie: I’m not even sure if I would be here today.

This blog is more than just a blog to me. It’s my safe haven. It’s the place I can sometimes forget but always come back to like a home.

Life, for the past few months, has been more serious and shaky. Everything is coming at me at once. I’m gonna be a high school senior this year… I’m (hopefully) going to college next year. I’m growing up. I have to discover the person I want to be in the world. Time is just flashing past in the blink of an eye.

So much is changing for me and I don’t know how to handle it… some days I’m okay, I can breathe. Other days it’s hard and I just lose energy over thinking and feeling depressed.

It’s a cycle. My life is a cycle. And it’s disturbing sometimes but it’s also interesting. How I feel all depends on my mentality. But both ways it’s tiring not knowing what’s awaiting me at the end of the tunnel.

And this is the one place where I feel like I can’t make a mistake. I can’t say the wrong thing. I don’t have to worry about being judged. I don’t have to hide from anyone here. I don’t have to be fake or shun fake people here. This is the realest place I know. You are the realest (aka you the realest lol I’m sorry) people I know.

For once, in an area of my life, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong here.

So thank you for supporting me, commenting on my posts, following me, liking my posts, believing in me…

oh my gosh. Thank you for anyone and everyone who has said they believe in me. You don’t know how much that means to me. It means the world. The world. There are people literally making me feel like crap because of my anxiety making me feel like I can’t make it through this life with it. But when you guys tell me that you believe in the person I am… it gives me so much hope.

You guys think I’m hopeful when really it’s you who make and keep me hopeful.

The fact that you think and believe I have so much in me… I can’t put it into words.

I shouldn’t be the only one feeling good about myself, you guys should feel good about yourselves too. YOU took a step in making blogs too and encouraging people to hold on even when they want to give up and give in.

Lol there’s the sappiness again.

But it was gonna come anyway, hope ya don’t mind.

Really though. Thank you.

For accepting this 17-year-old Indian girl with anxiety as she is.

And for making her feel worthy of life.


So if you read the second part of the title: YES I will be having a Q&A!!

I literally checked my blog for the last time I had one and it was legit a year ago…

It doesn’t even feel like that long ago but I don’t want to get into the concept of time (it’s a dark place).

So if you have a question for me; goofy, deep, mind-wracking, anything. It’ll all be answered happily! 🙂

Please send me questions, because it would really suck if no one sends me a question. I’m probably going to have a lot of anxiety worrying if anyone is going to send me a question or not, or if I’ll even be able to have a sufficient Q&A. Wow, that just makes me feel needy like I’m saying: Gimme your questions! I don’t mean to sound needy! If you have a question, feel free to send it to me and I’ll answer it.

I’ll probably have the Q&A on Saturday/Sunday. To be decided… stay tuned.

Thank you again for supporting me!

(My heart is literally doing that fluttery thing, like when I get good news or see one of my friends I haven’t seen in a long time)

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all it takes is a day for things to happen. pt. 2

pt. 1

There was never supposed to be a part two, you see.

But things happened and days passed by where I couldn’t fight my mind, couldn’t disregard my heart, couldn’t live without knowing how he felt…

But the second time around, we still ended up here again. It all came around full circle.

I still don’t know how he feels. He still causes me pain.

And I still want to fix this.

all it takes is a day for things to happen.

It starts over again on a Sunday.

Because I needed to know your side of the story.

My over-analyzation and overthinking ruined me on a Sunday.

So I built up the courage to start talking to you again telling you, “I don’t want to bother you but can we talk?”

You reply to me that same day, on a Sunday.

And of course, you’re that person saying “Why would you? Sure we can.”

I told you that I was mad at you on a Sunday.

You had no idea that anything was wrong… or at least that’s what you said.

You told me that if someone stays quiet with you then you lose focus on a Monday.

You definitely know how to make a girl special… what does losing focus even mean?

I stupidly told you my feelings saying I missed you, I thought I was bothering you, and I thought you didn’t care on a Monday.

The idiot I am, I thought you would actually tell me what I wanted to hear.

But all you said to that was “Aw” on a Tuesday.

This is the day you said hi to me and my friend and I pretended I didn’t see you.

We talked for the first time face to face after all the previous “chapstick/not talking to each other shit” on a Thursday.

It was extremely awkward because I can see what I did to you… I forced you to care.

I told my friend that I was just going to “go with the flow” concerning you on a Thursday.

Because I honestly don’t know where this is headed… I still don’t know.

I saw you three times on a Friday.

I fooled myself through my happiness thinking I could only see you as a “Friend.”

You talked about me not being able to say hi back to you because, well you assume it’s because I’m shy on a Saturday.

When really it’s because you’re always with her, your ex-girlfriend, your “best friend.”

You told me you deleted snapchat because of drama on a Monday.

You asked me if there was another way for us to communicate so we exchange numbers… the awkwardness seeming to fade away.

I found out you had feelings for some girl on a Monday.

And I wrote a song about the pain because I knew it wasn’t me; you brought me up then brought me crashing down all in the same day.

You told me you wanted to hang out with me anytime soon on a Tuesday.

You asked me if I was free the next day and I was filled with fear because of this damn rollercoaster: one second I’m up and the next, I’m down.

We hung out on a Wednesday.

You took me to a huge library and we just talked… about our pasts, our fears, our futures.

I put my head on your knee and your shoulder on a Wednesday.

And it felt like the world couldn’t get to us and whatever we were didn’t matter because in that moment it was just us.

My parents got mad at me on a Wednesday.

Because we talked so long we lost track of time and I got home after dark.

You apologized for making me late on a Thursday.

I told you it was okay because the time together was worth it and you agreed.

I saw you on a Tuesday.

And I had to create distance between us while we briefly talked because I felt that I was too caught up in the moment during our hang out being physically close to you and I get carried away sometimes.

You didn’t reply to my messages until two days later on a Thursday.

You told me your phone is messed up and you didn’t get my messages until two days later— this situation definitely isn’t good for a girl with anxiety.

I asked you how your week was on a Friday.

You told me it was awesome, fun, weird, cool, etc (so many other adjectives) but you also said it was sad because you didn’t see me all week… I didn’t ask for that.

You tell me to do good on the SAT, you say “My Angelc legs” for the first time, and you also say that we should hang out at the library afterward on a Saturday.

But you didn’t send me any follow-up texts after I took the test so I had to ask you what the plan was.

I called you on a Saturday.

And you told me you became busy all of a sudden… and my heart broke while realizing that I’m an idiot.

You told me you would text me later that night on a Saturday.

And that was the first of your many lies that my heart would later disregard.

You tell my friend that you think I’m mad at you on a Monday.

And I agreed because I was.

You asked my friend if we could talk alone for a second on a Monday.

I still don’t know why you wanted to talk alone, you just told me to keep a lookout on my phone because you were free to text me.

You text me four minutes to midnight saying “Since it’s still today…” on a Monday.

It is four minutes until that day ended you piece of crap, and yeah I actually called you that.

I tell you we’re not on the same page and that I’m pages ahead of you on a Tuesday.

You told me you’re chapters ahead and you don’t like when I say “the end.”

You took everything as a joke on a Wednesday.

You told me that you couldn’t wait to shut my attitude down. I told you it’s not attitude, it’s hurt feelings and you told me to “Toughen up Angelic Legs.”

I saw you after we had a back and forth over texts on a Thursday.

And you wanted to annoy me with an insult and I told you I was too tired to deal with you and you smirked and said “Uh-huh.”

You stopped me on the stairwell on a Friday.

And even though I would make you late for class you wanted to keep talking to me… the way you looked at me and stopped me from leaving and your smile urgh.

I made a list of why you only think of me as a friend on a Sunday.

And life was like “Yeah right.”

You told me that you want to hang out again and to tell you my free days on a Monday.

I was mad at you but once I read that text I suddenly wasn’t anymore.

I told you that I’m free any day except Tuesday and Wednesday on a Monday.

And you asked me if we should do Thursday… (these days are the confusing, frustrating ones, so hold on).

I told you I was actually free today but it’s too late now because you might be busy on a Tuesday.

You were busy and the fact that I reply to your texts seemingly seconds afterward whilst you reply hours/a day later makes me wanna hide in a corner.

You told me we might be able to hang out next week Monday on a Wednesday.

And I thought, “Wait, are we still hanging out on Thursday?” (Is it frustrating yet?)

I saw you running late to your class on a Wednesday.

And you told me we might be able to hang out tomorrow and you would text me soon… I actually believed you would give me details soon for a second.

At the last period, in the second to last hour of school, while I’m filled with anxiety wondering if we’re meeting today, you tell me that you’re busy and we should hang out next week Monday on a Thursday.

And you made my last week of school a h.e.a.d.a.c.h.e. If you weren’t even free any day that week, why did you ask?

You reinstall Snapchat on a Friday.

And I get anxiety all over again because your eyes are there again and I would feel the need to post on my story just for you to see it… that feeling I hate.

You start a new conversation with me on snapchat on a Sunday.

You commented on a picture of my best friend and I. Also, me freaking out over growing up… we were getting back to a conversation after a week of frustrating texts of “This day? No, this day.”

“Next week Monday” comes, the day we’re supposed to hang out and I wait anxiously and aggravatingly on a Monday.

But I hear nothing from you… I ruined myself waiting for something, anything and this is a reason why Mondays are now my least favorite days.

I send you a text through messaging, not snapchat, asking you what happened on a Tuesday.

To this day, you still have not responded to that text… wow, that feeling of wanting to hide in a corner is definitely not foreign when it comes to you.

You text me on snapchat on a Wednesday.

And I remember I had one of the worst headaches that night.

I got my driver’s license posting on my snapchat story “I WANT TO SCREAM BUT I MIGHT SCARE THESE PEOPLE” on a Wednesday.

And all you say is “You can scream if you want to.” Disregarding my text, the texts I sent you Sunday, and my feelings… but it’s not the first time with the last one.

My friends tell me to just send you a rude message and go to sleep on a Wednesday.

They kept me sane and from losing my cool with you.

You send me on a message on a Thursday.

I didn’t want to deal with your bullshit… so I waited a day to open it— so you’ll know what it’s like.

I opened your message on a Friday.

You told me, “We need a new day to hang out, right? Tell me your free days.” So, we’re gonna do this again? I’m tired. 

I don’t tell you my free days on a Friday.

Instead, I want to tell you “Are you just going to blow me off like this week?” And my friend persuades me to actually tell you that so you can feel the burn.

You tell me that you wanted to hang out outside and it was raining that day so you canceled the hangout but you forgot to notify me on a Friday.

And I thought “Is this really your excuse?” Because, honestly, what kind of bullshit? How do you forget to tell me, did you think telepathy would work? And why did you only give me an explanation when I confronted you about it?

I openly call you a jerk on a Friday.

And you make it into a joke.

You replied to my sass with “Damn” because I was still mad at you on a Saturday.

I asked you if it hurt, and if it did then good.

You told me that’s why you won’t give up on me on a Sunday.

I don’t understand why you said that… it didn’t fit what we were talking about. Why? Was that a lie too?

I took a picture of my permit besides my license because I was smiling in my license but mad in my permit. I put it on my snapchat story blocking out my address and other personal stuff on a Monday.

But I guess I didn’t block it out that good because you send me a message saying “So you live on _______ Avenue?” And I questioned how you were able to tell what my address was byecause of a blurry picture and a few unblocked letters at the end.

You told me you were going to show up at my window one day sneaking into my house on a Monday.

I teased you saying you don’t know my house number… there we go, we’re back to us.

You told me we should hang out tomorrow on a Monday.

And we did.

We hung out on a Tuesday.

We went to a park this time.

We talked about life and little things on a Tuesday.

We looked at the clouds and my heart could’ve manipulated this into thinking it’s something more… and it did.

You circled your arm around my waist and also put it around my shoulders on a Tuesday.

But we’re only friends, right?

You told me that if you saw me on a date while you were downtown you would be like “Oooo I see you” on a Tuesday.

And your reaction was that of a genuine friend, where did someone dating me even come from? We weren’t talking about that.

We had to go separate ways because we were going on different buses on a Tuesday.

I walked away from you and I hoped that you looked at me, and after a few seconds I looked back and you were crossing the street. That’s the last time I would see you when our relationship would still be “okay.”

You left for Seattle on a Saturday.

I messaged you saying I can finally breathe again and joked around with you; telling you “Have fun and you know you don’t have to come back.”

Instead of a usual insult back you just reply with a simple “Sure thing” on a Sunday.

I tell you that it’s a joke and asked you if you were okay.

You return to your usual self and something feels off but I don’t question it on a Sunday.

You say that it’s nice to see my soft side under the insults and if you’re feeling down you’d tell me and I should do the same… even though I didn’t believe that last part. Remember the chapstick thing?

You return to your “Good Morning’s” and you message me fire emojis concerning my new haircut on a Tuesday.

We’re finally at that level of normalcy, it seems. Seattle “You” is nice, he replies in the same day and everything.

It’s Independence Day in America and you tell me to “Stay Safe” twice that day on a Tuesday.

How can I stay safe when you’re literally killing me?

You told me you wanted to read or listen to my songs on a Friday.

I started freaking out… I was so happy that you wanted to hear one.

You said that your friend opened the snapchat conversation and closed it without saving the paragraph messages on a Friday.

This is the message with my excitement for you to hear one of my songs. This definitely feels like the excuse side of you.

I reply to you like I did the last time and for the first time that week, you don’t reply at all in a day on a Saturday.

Something is wrong but I don’t think twice about it, it’s only been a day— you’ve left me hanging for longer in the past.

It’s your birthday on a Sunday.

You still haven’t responded to my messages but I remembered your birthday and wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

You respond to my happy birthday message in a few hours on a Sunday.

You’re coming back home from Seattle this day and you tell me you’ll respond to my other messages later when you get service in the airport… *sarcasm on* when have you ever lied about that before?

You leave me on read on a Sunday.

I think nothing about it because for the hundredth time I again believe you when you say a lie because why would you deceive me? You know I have anxiety.

You comment on the senior pictures I posted on my story on a Wednesday.

At this point, I’m truly pissed off at you and I don’t hide my sass because literally the message of you lying, saying that you would reply to my messages later is right above “the senior pictures” message. You knew that you would be blatantly lying to me, you never were planning to respond to that message, were you? Home “You” is back to being a jerk.

We have a back and forth conversation of insults on a Thursday.

I’m tired and I figure if we’re just insulting each other it won’t hurt me as much if any second now you would leave me on read.

You annoy me to a point where I tell you about this song: Reflection, that tells you about how I feel about you (not realistically) on a Friday.

You say that it’s adorable (… really adorable?) that I feel this way and I questioned whether you actually understood the song.

You said that you know me well enough to know if I’m lying or not on a Saturday.

That pissed me off because you’re so cocky that you think you know so much about me when you haven’t even scratched the surface. I know if I said that exact same thing to you, you would mock me.

I tell you, “You think you know me that well? That’s cute” on a Saturday.

And you leave me on read amongst other messages I sent you but I know I didn’t hurt you… your ego is too big to be hurt.

I hear a song on Monday.

It gave me hope after you left me on read because you’ve said before that you don’t like when I say “End of the story.”

You send me a message 13 days later responding to my story on a Saturday.

And honestly, your message wasn’t worth any wait.

Somehow we’re having a conversation on a Monday.

But it’s not a real one… it’s just the back and forth again. But talking to you is better than not talking to you and having anxiety.

You come for my shortness on a Monday.

You say being short is an advantage (which I already knew lol) and that I could use it in my favor if my crush likes short girls… which is ironic because you’re just talking about yourself.

I respond to you for the last time unbeknownst to me that things would change on a Friday.

Ironically we were talking about you not being able to handle it if I stopped talking to you and how I had a trap on you over our friendship and you couldn’t get out.

On your story you put, “I only wish I kissed you in the rain” on a Friday.

My dumb ass actually thinks it’s me. Because it either rained/drizzled whenever we hung out.

My friend asks you who it’s about on a Friday.

You respond with, “My girlfriend lol” and everything seems like a game now… it all feels like a lie.

Talking to my friends saves me on a late Friday night/early Saturday morning.

Because if they weren’t there I would’ve thrown up my dinner.

You respond to my Friday texts on a Sunday.

But you send them late in the night so I can wait to respond to them the next day.

I open your messages on a Monday.

And this is a time of firsts. I leave you on read for once. I think of myself for once. I want to protect my heart for once.


It’s been 14 days since we stopped talking. I don’t know if it’s phasing you or not. I don’t even know if you’ve noticed. You lost focus… but now that you have a her I don’t know what to think or hope for anymore.

I actually thought I was special to you. I thought our whole story, this back and forth, everything.. it would all be worth it in the end. But it’s not. You played me. You played with my heart. I don’t care what anyone says, maybe that’s just how you are with friends… If that’s the case I’m not sure if I can be your friend.

Maybe there’s a reason this happened a second time… maybe I wasn’t supposed to start over again. Because here I am at square one all over again. But this time. I know, for sure, it’s not my fault.

There’s nothing more I want to do than talk to you… but why? To tell you the truth? You would probably respond with awww and we’ll be at that awkward stage again. Just so I can be your friend? I can’t. To see if you care about me? I can’t take any more jumps or chances for you to try to know what you’re feeling… I’ll never know. And I already know, you are half-hearted when it comes to me and you barely care. All those times you left me on read, left me hanging on a Monday, hurt my feelings… it never phased you because you didn’t care.

It wouldn’t matter if you knew you hurt me. If it did… if it does, where are you now?

Nobody is probably going to read this whole thing. I wouldn’t even want to if I wasn’t part of it. Because it’s so crazy, the ups and downs, it would make anyone want to rip their hair out… I don’t know how I haven’t done that yet.

It’s tiring. 

One day, you asked me what was wrong, in person, and I told you that I was tired. You asked me how long I slept that night. I told you I’m not physically tired but mentally tired. And amongst the other reasons (school, fake friends, anxiety, etc.) one of the reasons I was tired was because of my feelings for you.

And for these past few weeks it was like I pretended that everything you’ve done wasn’t real, my mind wasn’t able to comprehend everything so I just didn’t accept it… that’s the only way I could accept it, ironically. But typing all of this up and realizing how real it is…

One of my friends told me that she lied to me saying she stopped talking to her crush and it made her feel better. She told me this lie so that I would stop talking to you and she said she was sorry but she had to say it because “he was hurting you way more than my own crush (who’s a real douchebag) was hurting me.

And I realized. You were hurting me a lot. But I kept letting you hurt me. For the sake and hope of my heart. And in the end… it didn’t even work out. It wasn’t worth it. You were falling for a girl whilst I was falling for you deeper.

During those both hangouts. With my head on your shoulder. With your hand around my waist. While you brushed my hair behind my ear. 

You were playing with me.

And I can’t forgive you for that.

I can’t.

I’m writing this about you on a Monday.

And no matter how much I want to talk to you or want to hope for a message from you, I know it won’t be good for me.

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to: my anxiety

You have taken so much away from me.

You have made people look at me differently.

You have made this whole life thing harder for me.

You make me cry at night.

You make me wonder why I’m like this, why it has to be this way.

You make me quesrion whether I can survive with you on my shoulder.

You make me want to give up and give in.

You destroy relationships with people I don’t want to let go of.

You ruin my day by consuming my thoughts with sadness and worries.

You make me question my humanity because honestly this feeling shouldn’t be normal for a human.

You make me feel useless, worthless, ugly, insufficient, uninportant, etc.

You give me headaches and tears and anger and strife. 

You aren’t seen by anyone but I can definitely feel you, you’re always there haunting me.

You don’t even exist to some people which then makes me look weird to said people. 

You just make me so mad, so sad… and I want to scream and shout and throw things at you. I want to make you go away. I want to kick you out. Because then I MIGHT be able to live.
But how can I kick you out when you live inside of me? 

How can I get rid of you, Anxiety? 

You’re my constant nightmare.

Except…

You’re there 24/7 

And no matter how many times I kick you out, you always find a way back in. 

With even more scars and tears. 

the Truth.

If you’re asking me to admit the truth;

Yes, your smile literally glued some of the broken pieces of my heart together and brought sun to the dark places of my heart.

Yes, your laugh was like my favorite song on repeat and if i was the one to make you do that? i wish i could do that for a long time.

Yes, i would’ve rested my head on your shoulder for a lifetime if it meant i got to be this close to you in the safety of your presence.

Yes, i would’ve spent so much time with you because it meant i got to see your face and talk to you for countless hours.

Yes, i would’ve let you go on and on about soccer because i know it’s your one true love and the way you talk about your one true passion leaves me in awe.

Yes, your actions always had me overthinking and were on a constant loop in my head.

Yes, your smell was one that welcomed all my senses that if someone were to spray the cologne you wear all i would think about would be you and how close we were to each other.

Yes, your sense of humor made me feel special that i hoped you never talked about “vampires and werewolves” (amongst other things) to anyone else as goofily as you talked about them to me.

Yes, you noticing me has to be one of the best feelings on the planet and i just wish i knew what you thought once you would see me.

Yes, i would’ve talked to you for hours because talking to you was unlike talking to someone else. i never found myself getting tired of your stories.

Yes, the way you held me had my heart beating in a way it’s never beat before… it scared me how you made it feel. i wonder at such a close proximity if you could hear it too?

Yes, your touch affected me in a way it was if my heart stopped and what was always seen as impossible became possible for a second.

Yes, our hang outs made me believe in a content future where just being in the moment with you would feel like enough for me.

Yes, i wanted to stay on the phone with you for countless hours either lending your ear for a story or listening to you talk for hours about your day.

Yes, i would’ve looked at you for days on end waiting for you to look back and flash your perfect smile.

Yes, i would’ve kept a constant eye connection with you but the way you looked at me… it was too much and it scared me so i had to turn away after a while.

Yes, whenever i saw you face to face and talked to you in person at school i would always come home with butterflies in my stomach and a non-erasable smile on my face.

Yes, your words left marks on my heart and every sweet and funny thing you’ve said to me— i can always think about it and it never ceases to make me smile. Even if i was mad at you.

Yes, whenever you would say something only read about in books my heart swelled and i got a little bit of hope that you felt the same way.

Yes, i used to daydream about you and us being happy together like any other sappy high school couple.

Yes, the thought of “us” (if an us ever existed) scared me but if you ever felt the same way about me? …i wouldn’t know what to do.

But this is probably the way you make her feel too.

and i was nothing to you.

so i fade away. with these memories as chains.

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a broken girl’s Prayer

Dear God,

I know I haven’t been the best daughter to you.

And even sometimes I find myself forgetting that You’re there for me.

But right now, I really need You.

It’s happened again.

And again I don’t know what to do.

You’re the only one who loves me even in difficult times.

Please help me.

I don’t want this to keep controlling me.

I shouldn’t center so much of my attention on someone who isn’t You.

You deserve all my attention because You never leave.

I never have to doubt You.

I never wonder where You are.

I don’t have to question Your intentions.

But Lord, why isn’t that enough for me?

Why do all these people who hurt me affect me so much?

Why do they affect me to a point where I feel the need to be mad at You?

It’s not Your fault.

So tonight Lord, I am asking you to please fix me.

Fix this sick mentality that I have, that I can control no longer.

Take over this life for me.

Open my eyes to let me see that Your love is and always will be enough.

Help me be grateful for the lessons you have to give and the emotions You need me to feel.

Help me be the person I am intended to be.

I’m holding on Father. Because I know what you have planned for me is bigger than the sadness I feel now.

I shouldn’t be afraid or worry.

I should just trust in You because I know, for a fact, that you won’t let me down.

I love you.

Amen.

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that time my favorite band dropped a single that described my current situation

… and it’s freaking me out so much, but in a good way… in a very good way.

So something that has kept me holding on and has kept me happy is the date August 25th because that’s the day my favorite band, Fifth Harmony, is coming out with their album! And today they dropped a song out of nowhere.

It’s like they know me on another level… lol I’m kidding. But coincidence? The day before I took the SAT, they dropped their single. After having shitty feelings for a week, they drop a song on their album. I’d like to think it’s all written in the stars lol.

But when I heard this song, “Angel” it was weird because it took one replay to get all the lyrics and then another one (after the shock of the song) to connect it with my life. Because this song literally speaks out my feelings.

Has that ever happened with you? I know a lot of songs have done that to me and I love that feeling. But this song, it came when I needed it the most.

It says exactly how I feel about Phoenix and that whole situation. After almost a full week of knowing the truth about him and how he feels, this song came out just describing everything I want to say to him . I thought about telling someone because the personal connection literally shocked me… so where better to tell it than my blog?

So here’s the song (but it is explicit, just a warning in case you don’t want to hear that). I’m gonna connect my feelings with the lyrics now.

(The bold lyrics are the ones I can connect with, the italicized ones are just the general lyrics that I can’t connect to- but that doesn’t disregard my feelings to the song) *Slyly switches from first person to second person perspective*

  • Who said I was an angel?
    Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

    • I didn’t really connect these lyrics when I first heard the song or even when I saw the song title because why would the simple word “Angel” remind me of you? But then I remembered you used to call me that or some variation of that. I don’t know why, but you used to call me “Angelic legs” (Don’t ask, I DON’T EVEN KNOW lol) and then when I told you I could sing you called me “Angelic voice.” Then on our second hang out, I asked you what excuse you would tell your friends for being late to soccer practice and you said that an angel kidnapped you. It’s weird thinking of it now, I never thought much of your nicknames. But now thinking about it, what made you call me that? I’m far from an angel. Who called me an angel? Oh yeah, you did. But you were wrong. Now that you played me wrong, you’re gonna be proven wrong.
  • We were just a moment, nothing serious
    Never really paid it any mind
    Drop the back side and paying attention

    • This was your perspective of what we were, right? You barely paid attention. Because if you did notice, all you did would be to hurt me… but I always forgave you because of what I felt. But I can’t do that anymore. Because if you’re not gonna give a second thought about me I can’t give one about you anymore.
  • Should’ve never not kept your word
    Woulda had a reason to keep mine
    You was too inconsistent

    • I would’ve kept my word. I would’ve followed through with everything I’ve told you… I would’ve if you hadn’t lied about everything you’ve told me. You never kept your word. Not when it came to big out-of-this-world promises, which is understandable. But when it came to small things like when you were going to text me back or when we were gonna hang out, you always left me hanging like a lost kid wondering what I did wrong. You were inconsistent. I kept giving you chances and you showed me so many sides of you that confused me as to who you actually were. If you were gonna be sweet or a full jerk. And you were never one side for too long. I didn’t know what the lie was and what the truth was.
  • Should’ve never crossed that line with ya
    • I shouldn’t have. I went into unknown territory thinking that this would make my heart happy. But looking back, I should’ve just stayed where I was.

Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya

  • Way too young to be up in handcuffs
    Wasn’t tryna spend my life on the phone with ya

    • It felt like I wasted my junior year being controlled by my feelings for you. I wasted so much time when I could’ve been having fun with my friends. I don’t want to be in handcuffs. Then there was this one time you called me back after I called you to ask how much the bus was after our second hang out. I remember as you talked to me I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with you. But you just wanted to know why I called and hung up (not rudely, I mean you said your regular “Be safe” bs) and it felt like we were on the phone for a long time but it was just one minute. If given, I would’ve talked to you on the phone for hours. After I took the SAT, I called you and we had a short conversation, I guess it would’ve been longer if I gave you details about the test and how I felt. But there was this feeling that I was bothering you so I gave you short answers. Maybe there’s a reason I never got my wish of spending “my life” on the phone with you. Because right now, if I hear your voice I might just break. Good thing I deleted your number off my phone.
  • Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
    The original me wouldn’t’ fuck with ya
    And I was beginning to fuck with ya

    • This is oddly and coincidentally true. Back in freshman year when we were friends, you kinda creeped me out and when the teacher moved our seats you never talked to me again and vice versa. Back then, I didn’t really want to keep ties because I never knew what your intentions were. And now, when I was beginning to be more open with you and warm up my feelings, you pull the rug out from under me. Two years later, and I still don’t know what your intentions are. I should’ve kept the mindset of you that my freshman year self had (no matter how extra and over dramatic she was).

Who said I was an angel?
Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

  • When you look at me, what do you see?
    Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be

    • What do you see when you look at me? I still don’t know. I don’t know what you saw when you played with me and stared at me for mintues trying to “read my soul.” You never told me what you saw. But I know, I’m more than you’ll ever be. I won’t ever play someone like you play/played me.

Who said I was an angel?

  • Yeah won’t lie, say I don’t lie
    Yeah, I might’ve told a few lies, yeah
    Won’t lie, say I didn’t try
    But you’re only worth a few tries, yeah

    • I did lie sometimes to you, but only when it involved my true feelings. I could never tell you the truth about how I felt because I didn’t want to freak you out. And I tried. Through my feelings, I tried so hard to be your friend. But you hardly tried. I tried to the best of my effort to be a good friend to you but I can’t keep ruining myself for this friendship. You aren’t worth so many tries that it kills me inside. Where was your effort?
  • Track star, say that you’re running these streets
    You ain’t the only one running these streets
    They’re making grounds like I only wear cleats, yeah

    • Your ego never hid itself. But it never ruined whatever we had because, in the past, your ego could never come close to how sweet you were to me. So the ego was outbalanced by the sweetness. But with time, the sweetness went away and the way you cared about me changed. You always had this mentality of “I’m stronger than you and I know it. You can’t hurt my feeling no matter how hard you try.” You thought you were the one in charge of this game. And for a while, I let you take control but now it’s time to show you that you’re not the only one “running these streets.”

Should’ve never cross that line with ya
Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya
Way too young to be up in handcuffs
Tryna spend my life on the phone with ya
Gotta keep it all 100 with ya
The original me wouldn’t fuck with ya
And I was beginning to fuck with ya

  • Who said I was an angel? (But you was wrong, oh, yeah)
    • You were wrong about who I was. But I’m not surprised because you never put in that much time to correct yourself and find out who I really am. The fact that you said “I think I know you well enough to know when you’re lying or not” still pisses me off. Because no, you don’t know me that well. And you don’t get to be egotistical enough to think that because you know if I said those exact words to you, you would mock me.
  • Who said I was an angel? (Oh, I’m no angel, when you look at me)
    • The next time you’ll see me, I won’t be that angel anymore. I can’t be. I won’t put on a mask for the sake of whatever we had. You hurt me, I’m not gonna belittle my pain because of the way I feel anymore.

When you look at me, what do you see? (What do you see?)
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was, an angel?)

  • Who said I was an angel?
    (Who said I was an angel? Didn’t know the real me, I’m far from an angel)

    • Even though you wanted to know the real me and you got some pieces of her, you never got her. Because if you did know the real me, you would know you were hurting me and giving me the worst anxiety. You would know that I”m not this girl with her feelings in check and everything going perfectly for her.
  • Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah (Never took the time out, never had time to figure me out. When you look at me)
    • Like I said before, you never took the time out. If you put in even a little time to care… would that have been so hard? But apparently, it was. You didn’t have time to figure me out. Even though you have this “perception” of me figured out. You think you know me but you’re just making assumptions thinking I’m an angel. Maybe that’s why you keep thinking the way you treat me is okay… since I’m an “angel” I’ll forgive your behavior, right? And you blamed never taking the time out on your tendency to lose focus. I understand that— but when it comes to how crappy you treated me, it’s hard to think it’s all because of that.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you see?
Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be
Who said I was an angel? (Who said I was an angel? Oh)

That’s one of my favorite songs now. I connected thoughts and feelings I didn’t even know were there but yeah… I was just feeling all that so it all just came out. I might do this as a thing now because honestly, it was amazing getting everything out there. I forgot how that felt. And I literally just thought of a name for it, “Lyric Connection Reflection” It’s a mouthful but I really like it.

But tell me your thoughts, did you like the song? How do you feel about songs that seem to just speak from your heart? Any suggestions?

And some advice to leave you with: Connect your heart and feelings to music instead of sadness. It’ll make you feel so so so much better. Whenever I get a little tug on my heart I listen to music because I know it’ll be able to express my feelings in a way overthinking never can.

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