weight.

Was I a weight?

On your shoulder?

On your soul?

Was I dispensable?

Was it nice when it ended?

Now you don’t have to put in any more effort.

Was I a burden?

You had to carry my insecurities and my secrets like a pack mule, now it doesn’t matter anymore.

Now that it’s done.

Was I easy?

Someone that could be easily fooled and played.

Target practice.

Was I nothing?

Just a useless pawn who, according to you, is devoid of any feelings.

Who apparently holds all the blame for everything.

Was I a back-up?

Just something that could be saved for later.

You have me in case it didn’t work out with someone else.

Was I naive?

Even through all my doubts, I believed all your lies.

I was falling faster than gravity would ever allow.

Was I the village idiot?

For believing that everything coming out of your mouth was the truth.

I played your games, unbeknownst to me that they were actually games.

Was I replaceable?

Once I’m gone nothing will change with you.

Because I was nothing to you in the first place.

 

Was I too broken?

Maybe you had to get out before you got too deep.

It was too much for you.

Was I wrong?

About everything?

For believing in a dumb reality and breaking down my walls.

Am I a weight?

no.

I am not a weight.

I am not dispensable.

I am not a burden.

I am not easy.

I am anything but nothing.

I am not back-up.

I am not naive.

I am not the village idiot.

I am not replaceable.

I am not too broken.

And I was not wrong. Nor will I ever be wrong.

I won’t let you do that to me anymore. I won’t let you lure me into thinking that this is all my fault. It’s not my fault.

I won’t let you control me anymore.

I am not a weight anymore.

You won’t be my weight anymore.

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all it takes is a day for things to happen.

I met you again on a Monday.

It was a weird day for me.

It was confirmed that we had four classes together that semester on a Tuesday.

Purely coincidental, right?

I realized that I started harboring feelings for you on a Saturday.

Was it only because I wanted to get over someone?

You remembered me on a Friday.

It was weird for us to be talking again for the first time in 2 years.

You smiled at me for the first time on a Friday.

We had Spanish presentations that day.

You said “Hello” to me on a Friday.

And that’s the moment I knew I was in for a long ride.

I saw you with your girlfriend outside the door of our first period class on a Tuesday.

And my heart broke in a way I didn’t ever want to feel again (but still keep feeling).

I told my other best friend that I like you on a Sunday.

I guess that’s when it became real.

I had to sit next to you in class on a Thursday.

Because the seat next to my best friend was taken.

I gave you the binder that you left in class on a Thursday.

But I never told you it was me.

I liked having a conversation with you on a Thursday.

It was awkward for me at first but you were still the same nice person from freshman year.

You moved to the right in the front of the room for me so that I could be able to stand next to you and see (because I’m short) on a Friday.

And I still don’t know what made you do that.

I realized you started bringing me happiness on a Tuesday.

And I vented to my best friend about how you would never break up with your girlfriend and it was hopeless.

You told me not to give up on a project on a Thursday.

So I didn’t.

I realized I couldn’t do anything about my feelings on a Tuesday.

Your smile and the way you looked at me didn’t help.

I found out that you broke up with your girlfriend on a Wednesday.

It was hard to believe, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

My friend told me to get your number on a Saturday.

And I thought how would that ever happen.

You accidentally bumped into me on a Thursday.

And it was hilarious because you felt so bad and thought you had crushed me.

I figured out our friendship was platonic on a Thursday.

And it hurt me.

I realized I didn’t want to lose your friendship on a Friday.

So I held on, even with my feelings, because of who you were.

Our Spanish teacher assigned your seat right in front of me on a Friday.

And I knew life was laughing at me somewhere.

You smiled at me for the hundredth (I didn’t actually count) time on a Thursday.

That’s when I realized that could be the one thing that could kill me.

Your ex-girlfriend got yelled at by her friends for not wearing her jacket on a Thursday.

She didn’t have it because you had it and my heart broke for the ______ time.

I listened to sad music and created a playlist on Spotify on a Thursday.

Because it hurt so damn much.

I had to avoid you and be abrupt with your questions in Photography class on a Friday.

But I had to ask you for help in that class and you cared.

We had a full conversation in class on a Friday.

It helped but I was very confused.

I got your snapchat on a Friday.

But only because my best friend wanted the pictures of the Spanish packet that you discreetly took on your phone.

I messaged you first on a Saturday.

That’s when our first text conversation began.

You made fun of how I almost fell off the hill on a Friday.

And I wanted to make you fall.

You stopped our conversation and left my side to go talk to her on a Friday.

Of course, why would you keep talking to me?

You asked me if I had depression on a Wednesday.

I told you the truth about my anxiety and knew that this wouldn’t be an easy crush.

I opened up about my anxiety to you on a Saturday.

And it was weird for me.

You told me you were interested in who I was on a Sunday.

And if my anxiety was convincing me that I was bothering you- you wouldn’t be doing your job as a good friend.

I found out we had no classes together in second semester on a Monday.

I felt my heart drop and questioned life’s intentions.

I told you that I was upset about it on a Monday.

I can’t believe I was that comfortable with you to tell you that.

You told me you would never forget me and that we would still message each other on a Tuesday.

It made me feel better.

You got yelled at by her to hurry up on a Wednesday.

And one of my classmates/friends asked me if you were back together with her.

You sat next to me in class on a Thursday.

Because that would be our last class that we had together, but the 45 minutes went by too fast.

My best friend told you that I could sing on a Friday.

And you said you were gonna hear me sing one day or another.

The new semester began on a Monday.

It broke my heart not to see you every day in my classes.

I missed you especially in Spanish class on a Monday.

Because you made that class bearable.

I saw you on the staircase with your new haircut on a Tuesday.

And I yelled at you for not responding to my message.

I saw you walking with her on a Tuesday.

And I knew, for a fact, that you would never miss me as much as I miss you.

I asked you how you would feel if our friendship ended on a Thursday.

And you told me you would be sad, real sad.

I thought my anxiety messed up our friendship on a Monday.

Because I was overthinking the fact that you didn’t talk to me for a week because your messaging wasn’t working.

I realized that I was scared on a Monday.

I was scared to lose you.

I told one of my friends who’s also your friend that I liked you on a Monday.

And she told me that you never got back together with her, you were just best friends with her.

I thought you weren’t trying anymore in our friendship on a Friday.

Did you even want to hang out and see me?

I turned around to talk to my friend just so you wouldn’t talk to me on a Friday.

Because I needed to protect my heart.

You told me you had your college life planned out already on a Sunday.

And I was jealous because I didn’t even know where I would want to go to college.

You hugged me on a Monday.

And my heart wouldn’t stop palpitating for 10 minutes.

You told me my sarcasm makes you laugh on a Thursday.

I really was growing comfortable with you.

You told me that we should go to Ethiopia and India on a Monday.

But it was just for the conversation, right?

You told me we should text shorter to each other on a Friday.

So that we would be able to have time to talk more.

You told me you wanted to watch the school play with me on a Thursday.

But we both had conflicting schedules and I told you that there would be other opportunities for us to hang out.

I gave you a nickname on a Saturday.

And you were already finding ideas for mine.

I told you that fake people don’t know the real me and think I’m quiet on a Saturday.

You told me that must mean I’m comfortable with you and we’re comfortable with each other.

You gave me a nickname on Sunday.

And we figured out that we had a lot in common, like finding puns hilarious.

You told me that instead of planning to go to the play we should’ve gone to see a beautiful sunset on a Monday.

I told you I want to escape from the city and see the stars and you agreed that that should be our goal for the semester/summer.

You gave me candy on a Monday.

I have horrible eye-to-hand coordination so you had to throw it into the hoodie of my jacket.

I saw you on the staircase and you stopped me from going to lunch to have a short conversation on a Monday.

You asked me if I wanted to hang out with you over spring break, making you late to class.

You told me that whenever we see each other briefly at school and have our little talks away from texting it makes your day on a Monday.

You really aren’t helping me.

You told me you felt bad because you went to Chipotle and couldn’t buy me anything because you didn’t have enough cash on a Monday.

Did you really think of me or were you just saying that?

I told you I had a crappy day and you told me that you hope my smile is saved for Tuesday.

In a platonic way, right?

You told me you drove illegally to Chipotle on a Wednesday.

You’re such a bad influence and I thought I had to make sure to give you a bit of my good influence.

You told me you were sad that you didn’t see me on the last day of school before spring break on a Friday.

You claimed that you would pick me up and I told you I was not looking forward to being thrown like a football.

I replied to you shortly while I was in my dark hole on a Monday.

I had a little hope that you would ask me what’s wrong but thought it was just another one of my mind’s impossible realities.

You asked me what’s wrong on a Monday.

I dropped my phone; you weren’t actually supposed to make my mind’s fantasies to come true.

You told me you had to make sure that I knew that you cared on a Wednesday.

And that you would be there when I was ready to open up to you. Liar.

I messaged you my childhood pictures because you wanted to see them on a Thursday.

You thought I was so cute and I asked for your childhood pictures too.

I went into my dark hole again and I opened up to you on a Friday.

My mistake for actually thinking that you would be there and you actually cared.

You read my message without a reply on a Saturday.

And I ruined myself waiting for you to reply because I was vulnerable.

You sent me a message the night before school on a Monday.

I didn’t open it because I was a pissed you left me hanging for two days.

I opened your message on a Wednesday.

And it had nothing to do with me opening up to you.

I told people I could trust how you responded to me opening up to you on a Thursday.

And they told me I deserve better and to move on.

I blamed myself for the whole thing on a Friday.

Because if I didn’t open up to you we would still be talking like we normally do.

I asked my friend if I should be upfront with you about the whole thing on a Saturday.

She told me not to bring it up and to just start a new conversation, so I did.

I started a new conversation on a Saturday.

And I wonder if I didn’t start a new conversation, would you have even cared? Did it even phase you that we hadn’t talked for 3 days?

My friend told me that if you hurt me again she would fight you on a Saturday.

I trusted that you wouldn’t because I knew who you were. I was wrong. I don’t know who you are anymore.

We had a conversation on a Sunday.

But it felt weird, you weren’t responding like you used to.

I opened a message of yours on a Monday.

And you put no effort into replying to what I had to say. Your paragraphs turned into uninterested short sentences.

I cried because of you on a Monday.

Because did I ruin us? Or was I fool for thinking that you actually cared about me?

You opened my message on a Monday.

And you didn’t reply, nothing new.

You replied to me on a Wednesday.

It took you two days to give me your two-second, half-assed reply.

My friends saw you with her on a Wednesday.

I thought why am I even trying anymore when you don’t care.

I saw you on a Thursday.

But how could you expect me to look directly into your eyes? I couldn’t. I had to leave fast.

I overthink about you every day.

Nothing has or will ever change that.

It’s funny how so much can happen in a mere day.

How a friendship can be made.

How feelings can be developed.

But also, how everything can come crashing down.

I’m writing this about the two of us on a Saturday.

Is it the end of us? Was there ever an us?

«Music Saturday»

Rockabye by Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie 

Runnin’ Home to You by Grant Gustin 

No Promises by Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato

If This is Love by Ruth B

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the conclusion of falling.

(the beginning.)

I fell too hard.

I fell too deep.

But it’s not all my fault.

You’re to blame too.

I didn’t ask you to break down my walls.

I never told you to trust me.

I didn’t push to be your friend.

But you did.

Why did you want this?

I thought I could handle this,

but I can’t.

Because while I’m chasing after you,

you’ll always be chasing after her.

And I can’t handle that.

I can’t just be your friend.

I can’t just look at you and feel nothing.

And it might take me some time,

but I want to move on.

Becuase I can’t wait for someone who waits for someone else.

I don’t know why you wanted me as a friend,

I still don’t know why.

I don’t know why my heart fell for you,

but it did.

I will do all I can to keep this friendship going,

and to keep my heart beating.

Even if that means breaking it a little bit to erase your name,

from its clutches.

Because a guy like you shows up all the time.

But a friend like you is hard to find.

Maybe this isn’t the way I would choose it.

But I would rather have my heart break a little,

then break altogether.

It might take weeks to get over you,

or it might take months.

But I’m doing what’s best for me.

Maybe you’re not the one,

my heart needs.

Over the past few days,

I wondered what the point all of this was.

To fall for you, and just have it all go to waste.

But I’m happy that I fell.

I guess that I am.

I forgot what it was like to be happy for someone special to notice you.

I forgot what it was like to get a little jump in your heart.

I forgot what it was like to develop a relationship.

I forgot what it was like to think of the things you like about someone and get an immediate smile on your face.

I forgot how a simple stare and smile could affect you.

I forgot what it was like to fall.

If you didn’t show up,

I would still be hung up over a jerk.

And that’s not something I would want.

So thank you,

for being someone I could fall for.

And for showing me,

that I’m capable of finding someone special after being unable to for a long time.

Thank you for showing me what it’s like to fall.

Things didn’t turn out the way I would’ve liked them too

because you never felt the same way about me.

But I’m thankful that you were able to bring my heart into the light for a little bit.

Now, it’s time to move on,

because my heart can’t stick on you for too long.

I fell,

maybe I’m still falling.

But this time is different.

This time,

I won’t let gravity do its job.

«Music Friday»

Issues by Julia Michaels

Let It All Go by Birdy + RHODES

Empty by Olivia O’Brien

Beauty and the Beast (From “Beauty and the Beast”) – Ariana Grande & John Legend

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the flower bud.

She was a flower bud before she met you.

She hadn’t blossomed yet.

She was too scared.

Everyone else was growing beautiful flowers, while she couldn’t even manage to grow a single petal.

She was waiting for something… someone.

Then she met you.

She grew a liking to you.

You weren’t perfect but nobody ever is- that’s what she liked about you.

Your head wasn’t in the mirror, your heart was in the clouds.

You told her your dreams, your passions, you gave her you.

And in return she gave you herself: she showed you her fears, her doubts, her darkness.

Her happiness.

Which you are definitely a part of. You’re not the sole reason to her happiness, but you’re enough.

Through all of this, she blossomed.

As she opened up to you, her flower bud also opened up.

You gave her the sun.

You made her come out of her shell.

You made her bloom into the flower that she is.

She grew beautiful petals staring straight into the sun.

Bees shared her essence with the rest of the garden.

Her happiness was contagious and she seemed happier to her friends.

She was happy.

You made her happy.

You made her open up.

You made her bloom.

But then, you left for a while.

And she found out she wasn’t the only special one in your bouquet of flowers.

When she found that out, she wilted a little.

A few petals fell, rotting to a crumbled beauty on the floor.

She’s still a flower- but with valued petals missing.

And the sad thing is, you never notice.

You don’t realize that her happiness is a mask of sadness now.

Because you showed her you and she showed you her, but that didn’t seem to matter as much to you.

You know it was hard for her to open up, she was a bud when she met you.

And now it just seems like you don’t care anymore.

You built her up, you helped her blossom to what? Just bring her down and make her wilt in the end?

Now whenever you come near, she loses petals.

Why?

Because she’s scared.

She’s still scared.

You made her blossom and open up, but that doesn’t mean her doubts are gone.

She’s still vulnerable.

She’s scared that she’ll never amount to the other flowers in your bouquet.

She’s scared that one day you’ll just leave.

And then what’ll happen?

She’ll lose all her petals and wilt until she’s no more?

She’ll be no more because you’re gone?

Wrong.

Yes, she’ll be hurt. But she won’t lose purpose because you’re gone.

You did make her bloom but there were other factors as to why she bloomed.

She bloomed because she was able to trust her judgment.

She bloomed because she chose to be happy without being scared.

She bloomed because she was ready.

So no, she’s not here because of you, she’s here because of her.

You’ve only shown her that she’s capable of happiness and if you were to leave she would still be capable of that happiness.

Like I said before, you’re not the sole purpose of her happiness.

If you were to leave she will be able to survive without you.

She’ll still be able to bloom without you.

She won’t wilt- she’ll only grow.

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I Forgot You Were There

I  thought that I was all alone.

I thought that no one was there for me.

I thought I was fighting my battles alone.

But I forgot.

I forgot that You were there for me.

I forgot that no matter what You’ll always be there, taking care of me and holding my hand.

Everyone makes broken promises, but You always keep your promises.

And you make sure that I know that You’ll keep your promises.

I thought that everyone had left me.

But You were always there.

My doubts are always wrong whenever I’m with You.

You make sure that I know You’ll never leave me.

I’m not alone in life.

I don’t have to worry.

Because You’re there and You will always be there.

I never have to have anxiety around You.

I never have to wonder if You’ll leave me alone.

I don’t have to feel any negative thoughts towards or about You.

Because You’ve always shown me that You’re right there with Your hand on my shoulder.

The world might be lonely sometimes, but with You always by my side, everything will be okay.

Even though sometimes I might feel lonely I never, ever am. Because You are always there.

I might forget that sometimes, but when I remember it’s the best feeling ever.

I don’t need a guy, I don’t need fake friends, I don’t have to try with You. Because You’ve already fought for my love and have shown me that You care and You always will.

You give me comfort, You give me hope, and You give me a future.

You’re the main reason I haven’t give up on life. It’s the fact that You’re always there for that’s made me stay.

It’s the fact that whenever I have a problem I can come running to you and you don’t mind at all. You actually like when I burden you with my problems. You like that I trust you enough to be vulnerable with You.

I couldn’t have done any of this without You.

And no matter what I might do You’ll always love me.

Thank you.

Thank you, God.

When everyone left, You always stayed. And I don’t know how I managed to forget that.

I Love You.

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Please Don’t Hurt Me

Please don’t hurt me.

Just like everyone else does.

Please don’t hurt me.

Don’t say you care when you could care less.

Please don’t hurt me.

I have a heart with too many band-aids.

Please don’t hurt me.

I already submitted and I can’t go back.

Please don’t hurt me.

I’ve been hurt too many times before.

Please don’t hurt me.

Talking about you brings a smile to my face.

Please don’t hurt me.

It took me a while to trust you.

Please don’t hurt me.

I finally feel ok.

Please don’t hurt me.

I want to keep the conversation going.

Please don’t hurt me.

You make me happy.

Please don’t hurt me.

Don’t tell me any lies.

Please don’t hurt me.

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Please don’t hurt me.

I can take it from everyone else but not from you.

Please don’t hurt me.

I don’t want to cry.

Please don’t hurt me.

It took me a long time for you to break down my walls.

Please don’t hurt me.

It’s too late to build those walls back up… and I don’t think I would want to.

Please don’t hurt me.

Prove everyone else wrong.

Please don’t hurt me.

I gave you my heart through many regrets.

Please don’t hurt me.

I couldn’t take it if you did.

Even if you don’t feel the same,

Please don’t hurt me.

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thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you to the people who have forgotten all about me.

Thank you to the people who have constantly let me down.

Thank you to the people who make promises they know they’re not going to keep.

Thank you to the people who constantly break me down and add fuel to my anxiety.

Thank you to the people who think I need their opinions and acceptance to feel beautiful or at least worth something.

Thank you to the people who have torn me down.

Thank you to the people who don’t talk to me or care about me anymore.

Thank you to those who only show up once in a year and pretend that everything’s ok. That it was ok to leave me in the dust.

Thank you to the people who think it’s ok that my feelings get hurt. Or the ones who don’t even give a second thought to my feelings.

Thank you to the people who made me think that happiness is something I can’t have.

Thank you. Just thank you.

Thank you to the fake ones who have never cared once about me.

Or the ones who have cared and just pulled me along the way carrying false perceptions to the person that they really are.

I really, completely, honestly mean thank you. Maybe that two-word phrase should be a different two-word phrase with the first word beginning with an “F.” But no. It’s not. It will never be. I’m not being sarcastic.

I literally want to thank these people. Why?

Because they have broken me. They have hurt me. They have caused me pain. I’m thankful for all the anxiety they’ve given me.

I’m thankful for the brokenness because it’s made me who I am.

Without their consistent need to break my heart and disregard my feelings, I would be nowhere.

I wouldn’t be strong. I wouldn’t find a resilience. I wouldn’t feel the need to rise up out of the ashes.

I would be nowhere without these people, without this pain.

I might even be the same innocent girl I was 3 years ago. Thinking that the world is perfect and nothing bad will ever happen.

Thank you, because without these people I wouldn’t have standards. I wouldn’t believe so much in things. I wouldn’t be passionate about anything, about myself. I wouldn’t feel the need to shine, and fly after falling. I wouldn’t feel the need to find hope.

Without these people, I wouldn’t be me.

I wouldn’t have broken myself down to a point where I just want to crawl into a hole. I wouldn’t feel the need to rise above and be strong. I would think that the world is full of people who’ll have your back.

But this is the truth: it’s not. Everyone isn’t good with good intentions. There are fake people. Who can and will take advantage of you.

Without these fake people in my life, I would not be as strong as I am today.

I don’t know how many reasons I need to state to make this opinion a fact. I just hope that you, those who are reading this, understand that…

There are going to be people who will leave your life. Everyone isn’t going to stay. People might even break your heart, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It’s going to happen. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s going to break you down. Down to a point where you just want to give up. But do not. Do not give these people the satisfaction of giving up. If you’re experiencing this moment, congratulations. Seriously: Congratulations! You’re being given a chance to show life who you really are. A fighter or not. You’re being given the chance to open the door to who you really are. It might hurt like hell and back just to get over this, but trust me, please, it’s going to be worth it in the end.

You’re going to be strong, brave, and beautiful. You were all these things way before any of this happened, but this is the moment where you realize that you actually are these things.

I know it’s hard, but it’s going to get better. I know that this is a generic term but this week has literally been me trying to figure out what I did wrong with someone and how I can take it back and turn back the chain of events. But ultimately, I can’t go back I can’t fix things. I can only feel. And I wasn’t ok, I still don’t think I’m perfectly ok.

I just need some time. But either way, it has made me stronger. It has opened my eyes in a way that I can’t describe. Things like this happen for a reason. Please don’t tell me you at least don’t think that things in your life happened because they’re part of something greater because everything is too connected for it not to make sense.

People are put in your life for a reason. And that reason is to either stay and give you love or leave and give you a lesson.

Please don’t give up. I know the pain. You can either dwell on the mistakes and be stuck forever or you can move on, thank the people and be the person you’re meant to become.

It’s your decision. But never forget, no matter what, you will always be brave, strong, and beautiful.

Nothing can change that.

«Music Friday (a day late)»

Down by Marian Hill

Let It Go by James Bay

Say You Won’t Let Go by James Arthur

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