love and hate: rain.

believe it or not, but I…

used to hate the rain.

I found it hard to even type that.

Now, before you come at me with your “What the heck Rebecca? How do you hate the rain?”

Just hear me out.

Look at that word usage, “used to” meaning I thankfully don’t hate it anymore.

But my relationship with the rain has been a hate and now love one.

And the best loves are the ones you hate at first, right? (No one ever said that don’t quote me lol. In this kind of situation, it’s true. In others, get the hell out.)

Why did I use to hate the rain?

I was a kid. I think that’s a solid argument.

What do kids want to do most of the time? Play.

Of course, I wanted to play outside, not sulk inside because of the rain.

The rain ruined my happiness. Plus, the appearance. It was always gloomy and brought my mood down.

I even remember this one time, as a preteen, when my friends had this group text conversation. Two of my friends loved the rain and I was just like “Wait… what? Noooo the rain is crap! I want to go outside, it’s ruining my plans.” (I was in seventh grade, please don’t blame me)

But yes, there was an actual time when the rain was my enemy. I mean I wouldn’t say, an enemy it wasn’t the spawn of the devil… I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t my favorite.

Then a few years pass and I start going through hormones (ew puberty) and emotions. I’m no longer a child. And all the dark thoughts and emotions start coming in.

I still don’t like the rain but I don’t hate it either… does that make sense? It was like my feelings were now nearing the middle of the “hate” and “love” spectrum,  maybe even inching close to love?

But the rain wasn’t my best friend. Whenever it rained and I already felt down inside it was like an extra reason as to feel crappy. Like the world needed to remind me that I felt like crap inside. It brought me more pain.

Then, recently, a guy came along. And yes, this is the recent guy I always talk about. But this post isn’t about him so I won’t say his pseudonym but my involvement with that whole thing does relate to rain.

He brought the rain for me. He was the rain to me. He brought me to tears and gave me pain.

I remember when I stopped talking to him for two weeks and it rained a majority of those two weeks (it was April showers season, but I still think it’s a sign).

Those two weeks are how I came to love rain, like really love it. When I got a love for photography my freshman year I saw rain as beautiful and pretty but the two weeks the guy broke my heart, I truly loved rain.

I started loving it because it connected with me.

Yes, I felt like crap inside but the rain wasn’t really “making fun” of it, like I used to see rain as doing to my pain before.

No, it’s like the rain was with me. It’s pain was shared with mine. The world cried and I cried and I don’t know call me weird… but it’s like the world was sharing in my pain. Whenever it rained, I felt okay. Why? Because the world was sad too.

It felt okay for me to feel sad and to cry because the world was too.

Now, the rain is like my best friend. It calms the storm in me… no matter how ironic that might be.

It makes the pain and heartbreak okay for some reason. The way it looks… and sounds… just makes life feel okay for a moment.

And I no longer relate rain to sadness. Because it’s not true anymore. Rain isn’t sadness. It’s happiness. It’s serenity. It’s calmness.

It’s the feeling that even through all the pain and the tears, everything is gonna be okay. Sometimes the tears just have to flow and you need to let it all out.

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04.10.17. out in nature

So I don’t know if you read my post yesterday or not, but if you did you might have figured out that I wasn’t doing so good.

I went down on my rollercoaster.

I went into my hole of darkness.

I cried.

And I didn’t want to talk about it in my blog post yesterday, so I wrote a couple of vague sentences.

What led to the darkness was pretty much the same concept as every other time. Something wrecking happened and then my mind added onto that one bad thing with other crappy points in my life and suddenly I was crying about multiple things in my life instead of the one thing that happened.

This morning I wasn’t doing any better, I barely talked to my family I felt disconnected when texting my friends. I felt empty. I tried watching a movie to get into the relaxation spirit because today was the first day of my spring break week, but I just had to be broken on the first day.

It was like I was in the middle of nothing. It kinda still feels like that.

I wanted to be happy, but I couldn’t find a reason to be.

Then my friend texted me that we should go to the park. I was hesitant at first, but then I was like ok this is going to make me happy I should go.

But, of course, my friend said nevermind because she had to read her book for school.

So things went from crap to crappier.

And I honestly didn’t know what to do.

I tried watching another movie. I tried listening to music. I tried writing a song. I tried, but I still felt empty.

Then I remembered, I have a texting hotline number saved in my phone. Basically, a place where you can text a counselor about your problems.

I don’t remember how I got the number but thank goodness I kept it for a time like this. I’ve never contacted the hotline before this so this was my first time. I wasn’t really expecting some big remedy for my darkness. But honestly, I didn’t know what to expect.

But talking/texting the counselor made me feel less alone. She made sure I wasn’t thinking of suicide (which is something I could never see myself doing). Then she broke a few layers off of me and I told her a little bit about my situation and how I’m feeling. Then she asked me what I like to do.

Then she said I should go outside in nature. And I told her my parents won’t even let me walk a block alone (yes I used those exact words lol). So she told me I should sit outside and listen to music.

Ok.

So I pulled up a chair and sat outside with my phone and earphones. Then she told me while I’m sitting outside I could do some songwriting. Huh. I never thought of that.

I tried it.

I don’t know what happened. At first, I was doubtful. Of course, I was.

But I don’t know being out there just in the beauty of nature with my music in my ears- it felt peaceful and okay. I was so focused on writing I couldn’t even listen to my thoughts. Whenever the wind picked up and blew my ponytail around it was like I was floating carelessly and peacefully with it.

I wrote one complete song and 2 half songs. This morning when I tried songwriting I finished one song but I didn’t really feel anything after finishing the song. But when I was outside (in the afternoon) and I wrote 1 and 2 one-and-a-half songs it felt like something. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt complete.

And I felt okay.

Then after I finished songwriting I got some flowers from my backyard that were really beautiful and I took some pictures. And with the flowers I created this:

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The picture really doesn’t give it enough justice. I just wanted to create a reminder of today.

I’m not exactly 100% okay but I don’t feel this overwhelming emptiness in my soul like I felt before. Before I felt like there was no use in trying anymore in life. But I still tried. I wanted help. So I told someone.

You know what the counselor said about me? She told me that I was brave enough to come forward for help. I’ve never seen myself as brave. But I’m happy I wanted to do something about that emptiness.

The overbearing scent of nature that stuck on me until I took a shower was 110% worth it.

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the moon.

Every night,

after I say a prayer and turn off my bedside lamp,

I look outside my window.

To look if I can see the moon.

Or a few stars.

On the nights that I can, I bask in their beauty.

I feel better. No matter how my day was- once I see that everything becomes ok.

Or at least it’s calming to think that things are going to turn out okay.

I can sleep peacefully when their presence is near.

It calms me in a way I can’t really describe.

One the nights that I can’t, it breaks my heart a little bit.

But only a little bit, because I know it’s out there somewhere- I just can’t see it out my window.

Maybe it’s in the window of a little girl who really needs its’ comfort.

Maybe it’s protecting a sleeping baby who’s basking in its’ presence.

I might be sad for a second if I don’t see it.

But I have this hope, every time I don’t see it, that I’ll see it tomorrow or some other day.

It eases me knowing that yesterday or the last time I’ve seen the moon won’t be the final time I’ll see it.

Either way, the moon either gives me comfort or hope.

How did God make something so beautiful? I’ll never understand it.

But the good thing is: I don’t have to.

I can just bask in its’ beauty and let it calm my soul.

That’s why I love the moon.

It brings me a serenity I can’t describe.

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the flower bud.

She was a flower bud before she met you.

She hadn’t blossomed yet.

She was too scared.

Everyone else was growing beautiful flowers, while she couldn’t even manage to grow a single petal.

She was waiting for something… someone.

Then she met you.

She grew a liking to you.

You weren’t perfect but nobody ever is- that’s what she liked about you.

Your head wasn’t in the mirror, your heart was in the clouds.

You told her your dreams, your passions, you gave her you.

And in return she gave you herself: she showed you her fears, her doubts, her darkness.

Her happiness.

Which you are definitely a part of. You’re not the sole reason to her happiness, but you’re enough.

Through all of this, she blossomed.

As she opened up to you, her flower bud also opened up.

You gave her the sun.

You made her come out of her shell.

You made her bloom into the flower that she is.

She grew beautiful petals staring straight into the sun.

Bees shared her essence with the rest of the garden.

Her happiness was contagious and she seemed happier to her friends.

She was happy.

You made her happy.

You made her open up.

You made her bloom.

But then, you left for a while.

And she found out she wasn’t the only special one in your bouquet of flowers.

When she found that out, she wilted a little.

A few petals fell, rotting to a crumbled beauty on the floor.

She’s still a flower- but with valued petals missing.

And the sad thing is, you never notice.

You don’t realize that her happiness is a mask of sadness now.

Because you showed her you and she showed you her, but that didn’t seem to matter as much to you.

You know it was hard for her to open up, she was a bud when she met you.

And now it just seems like you don’t care anymore.

You built her up, you helped her blossom to what? Just bring her down and make her wilt in the end?

Now whenever you come near, she loses petals.

Why?

Because she’s scared.

She’s still scared.

You made her blossom and open up, but that doesn’t mean her doubts are gone.

She’s still vulnerable.

She’s scared that she’ll never amount to the other flowers in your bouquet.

She’s scared that one day you’ll just leave.

And then what’ll happen?

She’ll lose all her petals and wilt until she’s no more?

She’ll be no more because you’re gone?

Wrong.

Yes, she’ll be hurt. But she won’t lose purpose because you’re gone.

You did make her bloom but there were other factors as to why she bloomed.

She bloomed because she was able to trust her judgment.

She bloomed because she chose to be happy without being scared.

She bloomed because she was ready.

So no, she’s not here because of you, she’s here because of her.

You’ve only shown her that she’s capable of happiness and if you were to leave she would still be capable of that happiness.

Like I said before, you’re not the sole purpose of her happiness.

If you were to leave she will be able to survive without you.

She’ll still be able to bloom without you.

She won’t wilt- she’ll only grow.

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My Week

I guess this is the part where I blame school for my lack of blog posts.

But to be honest, through the seemingly endless amounts of homework, I actually had a really good week, emotionally and mentally!

So on Monday my school had a walk out/protest against president-elect Donald Trump. And I have never been more proud of my school. We, as teenagers, don’t really have any say behind a vote because some of us don’t even have the right to vote yet. So, we just have to stand on the sidelines while the adults are the only ones with “just” and “fair” opinions. While we’re just hormonal teenagers. Well, this was an event where the hormonal teenagers actually took a stand. I didn’t participate in the walk out because it was sort of a rash decision and it was during school hours and to me education is my priority. But I’m really happy that people my age actually made a difference, because in my area “The High School Protestors” was all over the news. I’m just really glad of the environment I live in.

Yesterday I went to a school play with my best friend and it was such a good day. We had lunch before going back to school to see it, it was the first school play we saw and it was an adaption of “Hamlet.” To be honest, I had no idea what the actors/actresses were saying but they were so amazing lol. Especially the girl who played Hamlet, she was so convincing and portrayed Hamlet amazingly. My best friend and I really didn’t have any knowledge to school plays, so when the play was at its’ climax and the lights blacked out and people started clapping and leaving, we were so confused. The play didn’t finish? Then we realized… it was intermission. Lol, that’s something we’re gonna go back to as a laughing moment.

On Thursday I got my report card and I’m so proud of myself. I worried so much this quarter and it all paid off in the end. I used to be so afraid of checking my grades because I was that anxious to see them, and I hated doing that to myself. But now, I check my grades every week to make sure I’m on the right track. Sure, somewhere along the way it might make me mad, anxious, and discouraged. But, how can I be a “winner” (I’m not a winner lol it’s a metaphor) if I can’t even check the scoreboard?

Then today was kind of a chill day. In photography, I held my first film camera and actually learned how it worked. And I’m doing a project with the friends that I’ve made… I actually made real friends not the fake ones. In piano, I had a playing quiz that I was stressing over and I made no mistakes! My piano teacher clapped and told me I did a great job.

I mean my week had its downs and I remember the downs, but I’m really trying every day to focus on the positive and disregard the negative. It’s really, really hard considering my anxiety worrying and picking out every bad detail, but it’s a day by day progression. As of this moment, I’m happy and I don’t want to think of anything that can ruin that. I hope you guys had a great week as well!

«Music Friday»

  • Unsteady by X Ambassadors

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What Fall Has to Offer

How do you separate a season from another season?

Is it a change in temperature?

I don’t think so, it still feels sunny.

Is it the way that the earth looks?

I don’t think so, my leaves have been falling since school started.

Is it because my nose is stuffed and chest congested?

I really hope not.

So, after a quick google search I’ve gathered some information:

“The September equinox occurs the moment the Sun crosses the celestial equator – the imaginary line in the sky above Earth’s Equator – from north to south.”

That’s so amazing.

Can you imagine the fact that a little movement can cause a whole new season?

A change in the weather,

a breeze that will pick  up the leaves.

A beautiful array of colors on the trees,

Green to red, to yellow, to orange, to crinkly brown.

The earth is so beautiful, so many of us are too busy to actually look out our windows and google search stuff like why autumn starts the specific day that it starts.

Curiosity will not kill you, it only killed the cat. Plus a cat has 9 lives (and satisfaction brought it back) we only have 1 life to live.

So make it worthwhile, go out and explore nature.

Go on adventures.

Who cares if you need a shower afterwards… lol

Live in tune with nature.

Because it’ll really open your eyes and get you out of your personal bubble of unreal scenarios.

You know, this week itself I was caught up in this drama that my mind made up, and I was so focused on that stupid drama that I forgot about my surroundings, I forgot about the little things.

Then I got sick, and it slowed down life for me.

Whenever I get sick, I think it’s life trying to say “Ok, you need to slow down and take a little break.” And I think that’s something we all need to do.

That’s definitely something I need to do now, with school and loads of homework.

I’m so unhealthily worrying about homework, I mean sometimes I have nightmares of not doing my homework. That’s a huge sign.

Fall is a nice reminder to us.

It’s trying to remind us that we need to make a little change sometimes to our daily mindset and routine.

Sometimes, we have to stop planning our day and just let it be.

And we have to remember that it’s ok to let old things/habits die.

Take a break, lie in the grass, crunch some leaves under your toes.

The end of summer is sort of like a downer, because as soon as school starts, summer is just lost. It doesn’t even feel like summer anymore, it just feels like something in between summer and fall. It’s like that phase of your life between a kid and a teenager lol (I’m sorry if any of you are in that range, but I just hated that phase of my life)

As soon as summer ends, and a new season begins it feels like we finally know our place. Things are moving along.

Fall is a reminder that life is getting a little better (if it wasn’t before)

For some happiness might be,

a change in wardrobe,

new coffee flavors,

the leaves changing colors,

warm hugs in the cold weather,

a slight breeze,

or a day spent experiencing the season.

So, go appreciate what the world has to offer.

Appreciate the fact that something out there, in the solar system moved so we could have a change.

Or that Someone out there planned this all out when He made the world.

Either way go, step out the door.

Hurry before you miss the opportunity to appreciate it!

«Music Friday»

  • That’s My Girl by Fifth Harmony

My loves 🙂 This is my favorite music video that they’ve shot. This song is the perfect female empowerment song and it picks me up in my low moments. Enjoy!

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Pretty Bird #2

Sing your ballad,

sing your song.

Let the whole world march to your drum.

Don’t be scared,

don’t shy away.

Pretty bird show your wings.

Pretty bird tell them things.

Soar across the sky like a silhouette.

Be unsurpassable.

Extraordinary.

Let them wonder and stand agape,

at the beauty that you withhold inside.

Soar with ease and grace.

Don’t be struck down,

don’t let anyone tear you apart.

If something strikes, strike back.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.

Prove that you can.

Use your wings to fly higher.

Higher than this earth allows.

Until you reach the cloud that holds your dreams.

That’s when you know,

you’ve made it.

«Music Friday»

  • Hurts like Hell by Fleurie

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